Monday, 24 September 2012
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Engaged with Trust Issues
This post was submitted by Annie.
I got engaged 6 months back. Approximately 5 months before our engagement, I came across a few mobile phone bills belonging to my would-be fiancé which told that he had been messaging at midnight with one of his female colleagues who is a divorcee.When I confronted him about this, he said the lady was making physical advances toward him and he was just trying to shoo her away. I couldn't buy this story but still I had to agree with him. He also promised me that he wouldn't ever message her again after this. However, just last week, I again got hold of one of his phone bills that showed that he has sent a few messages to her 2 months prior to our engagement.
When I asked him about this yet again, he said she messaged him and he had simply replied. There was nothing wrong in his mind. He had cried a lot for past 4 days. In normal situations I would have handled this, but he is a brain tumor patient. Whenever he gets upset, tense, or cries, his condition gets worse. He lives alone because of his job. When his health deteriorates, I get so scared that I forget whatever he has done and reconcile with the fact that I have to accept everything for the sake of his health.
I knew about his health before our alliance and it's my own decision to have this relationship because I love him a lot. But I don't understand what I should do if it turns out he's really cheating on me. If I talk about this he can't handle it, but if I don't I get frustrated.
Please help me! What should I do? I am losing my trust in him.
I'm afraid I'll neither love him nor respect him for what he's doing to me. Should I accept everything because I love him and worry for his health?
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Comments (22)
By messaging her (even if she messages him first) is sending mixed messages. He should quit messaging her.
It's okay for him to have female friends, but not if they're trying to have sex with him. Her advances are very disrespectful to your relationship. You're engaged, she should respect that and not flirt with him.
He should cut ties with her. It's never a good idea for someone in a serious relationship to "be friends" with someone who is trying to have sex with him.
lol. are you seriously getting worked up about 2 text messages he sent 8 months ago?
i hope everything works out okay with his health issues, by the way--one of my best friends passed away a few months ago from a brain tumor, so i know it can be rough to deal with :(
If he simply replied, there is nothing wrong. It also depends a little bit on your schedules. Personally, I don't go to bed until midnight or later, so its not unusual for me to be texting people at midnight. I'm also close with my friends, so if someone messages me in the middle of the night, I'll answer them if I need to.
I think you should rethink the situation (assuming that this post is a good overall assessment of the situation).
I'm not sure how the fact that he has a brain tumor has anything to do with the fact that he is potentially cheating on you. They're mutually exclusive issues. You should never let your guilt or compassion for his deteriorating condition sway your decision on trusting him. Judging from this post, you have the right to be suspicious; I would be too given the situations. My suggestion is for you to ask him to show you the texts. If he wasn't doing anything wrong then he has nothing to hide. If he refused because it's an invasion of privacy, tell him this time is different and whether he shows you the text or not has a big impact on the trust foundation of your relationship.
If he doesn't have the texts anymore for any reasons, you can either a) talk (diplomatically) to the woman who supposedly made advances on him and asked her what was going on, b) go with your gut instinct, or c) weight out the possibilities by making a pros/cons list whether you want to go ahead with the engagement knowing fully well you might not have 100% trust in him and he might pass away any time.
These are just things I would personally do. You can choose to follow them or not.
Damn, why are you so paranoid? Considering I would never date, let alone get engaged to a man that I didn't trust, I don't see myself freaking out over this. I would assume he is trying to support a friend. I would expect he had female friends platonic or romantic before me and wouldn't expect to be the only woman he looks at, talks to, fantasizes about, helps out etc. It's just unrealistic.
From this post you have no reason to think he is cheating
contact the female?
@f5ye_angel5@xanga - I agree with her. You need to find out whether you can trust this man. From an impartial point of view, I think you are getting yourself worked up over nothing. But it's up to you to confirm it for your peace of mind.
Oh, and major kudos to you for sticking with him despite his illness. You are stronger than most.
Hmmm... there's definitely nothing wrong with him having female friends, but ones that have made obvious advances toward him are not okay. but, she's a colleague, right? so they see each other on a regular basis? well, then it may be difficult for him to cut her out of his life since they work together. if they're close professionally at work, i'd confront her. as for your man, he shouldn't have been talking to her, but you don't know if he was flirting back or if he's cheated, so technically he hasn't done anything wrong yet. you could fish around and try to find out if he's cheating, but he may be telling the truth and this bitch may just be trying to get in his pants. i wouldn't leave it be because it'll drive you up the wall, but just don't blow up, either. try to find a way to send her the 'back the hell off' message while ensuring that there wasn't an affair going on. maybe just show up at his work place randomly? am i scheming too much?
My Wife and I, were in our 4th year of marriage. Unknowingly, A high school boyfriend of my Wife, contacted her through a social networking site. To make a long story short, He stole my Wife from me. It was very unusually, as she has never done anything like this before. About three months after our separation, I saw a testimony of someone concerning thegreatoracletemple@gmail.com and i contacted him and he assured me that he could help me. Skeptical as I was, at this point, I was willing to try anything. To my amazement, his marriage spell worked. We are back together, and happy again. So if you have similar problem you can contact him via thegreatoracletemple@gmail.com he will help you to solve your problem.....Rakesh
My Wife and I, were in our 4th year of marriage. Unknowingly, A high school boyfriend of my Wife, contacted her through a social networking site. To make a long story short, He stole my Wife from me. It was very unusually, as she has never done anything like this before. About three months after our separation, I saw a testimony of someone concerning thegreatoracletemple@gmail.com and i contacted him and he assured me that he could help me. Skeptical as I was, at this point, I was willing to try anything. To my amazement, his marriage spell worked. We are back together, and happy again. So if you have similar problem you can contact him via thegreatoracletemple@gmail.com he will help you to solve your problem.....Rakesh
when you settle for less than you DESERVE you get exactly that
Why was he crying? He might have something he feels guilty about and he's stressed about why/how/what to tell you. That can be quite debilitating. If there was honestly nothing "wrong" he would not be so upset about it.
It would be extremely hard to be in such a situation when there is a brain tumor involved...but it should not make your decisions for you. It makes sense to not want to stress him out more but putting a band aid over it ain't gonna fix anything.
I'm sure you've done some innocent flirting without the intention to cheat with some random person on your end. As long as he's not sticking it in her and taking the first step to go chasing after her, I think you need to mature a little more before getting married and let a few text messages go.
if you're really paranoid and pestering him this badly to the extent of making him upset, you might as well ask him to let you see the messages on his phone, jusssayin.
i understand how you feel and the answer is no, you should never lower your standards of a relationship just because he has a tumor. if he loves you, he should do his best to show his loyalty .. showing you his texts, etc. and i find it strange that he would react so badly when you confront him. if there's nothing going on, most men would laugh at the idea or find you rather silly.
in the short, get what you need from him to remove your suspicion and then truly move on. no more looking at his text logs because that's just a bad habit and will drive you crazy over time. if you can't stop, then you need to ask yourself why you always want to know exactly what he's doing. maybe your instincts are telling you something or you have trust issues which you need to fix before seriously considering marrying this man.
If you have trust issues now, they will get worse after you marry. That being said, is the brain tumor fatal? Or, is this something he has recovered from?
Does he have other people in his life to care for him? How invested in this untrustworthy guy to you want to be?
I would need to know more about this situation before deciding what to do.
Christy
I think him texting other women that you are uncomfortable with (especially since he revealed that she is coming on to him!) is a big no no. I understand his condition makes you want to avoid these kinds of conversations but you have to make sure he's not taking advantage of you either and purposely breaking your trust! Maybe plainly state that these texts need to stop or he will permanently lose your trust and relationships/marriages can't endure without trust...
Be careful. He may be exploiting his illness( similar to how someone with Munchausen syndrome would) to get you to behave how he wants.
This exact same thing happened to me. Literally, exactly. Once you catch them breaking a promise to you, nomatter how small, the trust it gone. I got rid of mine the second I discovered he was still in contact with the person he said he'd no longer be in contact with, no questions asked. Best decision I ever made. If you can't trust him on something little like this, just wait till bigger problems arise, and I promise they will. Also, it doesn't matter what his condition is. Trust is trust. If you can't trust him, that's it, regardless of his condition. Best of luck to you.
@Manic_Butterflies@xanga - absolutely correct.
Here's what you do :)) YOU MESSAGE THIS WOMAN AND U TELL HER," HEY BACK OFF THAT'S MY MAN AND THAT SHE'S MAKING THINGS WORST FOR YOU AND UR FIANCÉ WITH ALL OF HER STUPID AND INCONVENIENT PROBLEMS, AND THE LAST... THAT HE DOES NOT WANT HER!!!" no need for threats because you can't trust women now a days lOl ;)) good luck
I hink you should respect him.., and take care of him