Sunday, 23 September 2012
When a relationship ends, my first instinct is to clean out my room of all things that remind me of the ex. The first thing that goes into the trash or into storage is always the hardest. The personalized towel was a thoughtful gift, filled with memories of our inside jokes and random conversations. It was the next clean towel in line, but i ignored it and pushed it to the back of my closet. I cried in the shower afterwards. Ignoring that towel was painful.
The next few things to go were easier to let go of. It was almost like fulfilling my inner evil feelings of revenge as I threw out your toothbrush, disassembled the puzzle we never finished, threw out a note you left on my desk, and washed my bedsheets to rid them of your scent. I wanted to clean and rearrange my room as a way to slowly eliminate the memory of us/you.
However, I soon realized that cleaning and throwing things out doesn't make things easier. The material things aren't the real imprints of a relationship -- it's the unconscious decisions and routines you've adapted from your ex that are the hardest to eliminate.
I use a straw now whenever i drink any type of beverage. I never used to. Now, I can't not use a straw. I got that from you. Whenever I reach out for that straw in my pantry, I get mixed feelings. First, I giggle in my head when I remember the first time you told me about how amazing it was to drink Pepsi from a glass with a straw. Then, I get sad because I realize that I don't have anyone else to drink soda from a cup using a straw with.
The Office. You introduced me to that show. I was never a huge fan of it until you came along. Friday nights became a routine for me to watch the latest episode online. I tried watching it one week, and soon realized that I had to give that up too because it reminded me of you and your influence over me. I haven't watched a single episode in weeks. It's been hard. I often wonder about what Michael Scott is up to.
A lot of my other routines are because of you -- skipping flossing on nights I feel lazy, finding awesome deals online, hunting down high definition versions of online videos, seeing how fast I can get into and start my car, eating egg and cheese sandwiches for breakfast, placing the toilet paper roll with the tissue over not under, sleeping with socks on... and it isn't just the routines; you've changed my personality. I actually like talking to people now.
I'm still shy, but less so. I'm more mature because of you. Whenever I feel depressed about my past, I remember how you used to console me by pointing out all the good things in the present. I am less afraid of tasting beer now... and more interested in sports. I'm friendlier. I'm less impulsive with my actions and actually think about things thoroughly when making decisions.
I'm less idealistic and more realistic at times. I try and be more assertive and less of a martyr with people. I now reach out and talk to people about my feelings, rather than hold everything inside.
You've changed my routines and you've changed me. I think this is what makes breaking up so difficult. The material things are easy to get rid of, but I can't get rid of the good changes you've made in me. I try to consciously step away from myself to try and find the me before you came along... but I can't find her anymore. I guess this is what relationships are all about. You learn, mature, and change for the better.
I don't think that you've made me a different person. I think that you've brought out the better side of me and thanks to you, I've found myself.
"whole wheat english muffins are amazing. thank you for introducing me to them."
- I'm the one who should be thanking you.
How do you deal with old memories? Have you grown for the better due to past relationships?