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My friend and I were really close... or so I thought. We had known each other for over 10 years and talked about anything and everything. We would talk about our experiences and relationships and practically knew everything about each other.
The night we had sex, I was 17 and he was 16. We weren't in a relationship or anything but in conversation would say, "I love you," "xo," and sentiments like that. We had/have a lot of things in common but
ever since that night he has slowly been severing ties with me (it has been about 4 months).
I really want things to go back to the way they were before anything happened that night. The event has clearly affected our relationship horrifically and obviously I miss him and the close friendship we once had.
About 3 weeks before we had sex, we were spending the weekend together and he told me that he loved me and how much he cared for me. Reflecting on everything that has happened since, the thought of being used keeps going through my head. This wasn't preconceived or anything but he put on the moves and I just went along with it. While I don't regret losing my virginity to him at all,
I also don't know how to go about getting our friendship back to the way it was... is it even possible?! What advice does everyone have as to how to get our relationship back to what it was? Did I make a big mistake in sleeping with him?image source
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Comments (39)
so let me get this straight, he told you he was in love with you, but you don't feel the same...and yet you kept saying things like "i love you" to him then you had sex with him and you expect things to be the same?! Hes hurting because he can't have you emotionally and he's trying to save himself the heartache of having you around.
Be a good friend and let him go.
Cue the million and one "Let him go/dump him" comments.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Shit. Make that one million even.
Now you know why I add the "and one". 'A scripter's million'... Kind of like a baker's dozen, but you know... a few hundred thousand times more accurate.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - This is what it seems like to me.
We cannot know everything about your situation, only what you have told us. It sounds like he loves you in a romantic way. If he told you he loved you, why did you have sex with him? I understand all the feelings you have are confusing, but this relationship could have been saved. You seem to be sending him mixed signals. "I don't love you like that, but yeah, lets have sex."
It's unfair to him for you to expect that he sticks around when he is obviously having a hard time with this. If you really care about him then you should let him deal with this in the best way possible for him, not what's more convenient for you.
@Saridactyl@xanga - "If you really care about him then you should let him deal with this in the best way possible for him..."
Welcome to adulthood:
You break it, you buy it.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I always tell people to try to work it out but this post is a bunch of bullcrap. Using people like that is unacceptable.
Talk to him, be direct. Get the answers you need. Ask him why your friendship has been going downhill and make sure you get the honest answer. If you've been friends for so long you deserve to know the truth and he owes it to you to give it to you.
yep, and this is why i never hook up with people in my social circle. too much risk of fallout.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - @Saridactyl@xanga - i think i'm missing something that you guys are getting here--where does she say that she didn't like him or otherwise used him? the way i read this, they were both exchanging "i love you"'s through text, and then after they banged, he took off. of course, as always it's difficult to know when you only hear one side of the story, and it's vaguely written...
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - she said she missed the close
friendshipthat they had, plus she doesn't mention wanting to actually be with him.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - ok, good call. i can agree with that, though i disagree that she should bounce. i think it should be his decision what he wants to do about it. admittedly, it seems that his actions have already spoken how he feels about the situation though--some people can't (or don't want to) be friends after hooking up and that needs to be respected.
i think @reesa14@xanga is right that she deserves an explicit answer, though. i fucking hate it when people disappear without a peep and think that's somehow acceptable.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga -
"Friends" don't say "I love you" and have sex. That's what we call a romantic relationship.
Are we all speaking English here? The fuck is wrong with kids these days...?
Don't answer that. I already know.
What you define as "using people" is called symbiotic coexistence and what you call "normal dating/relationships" is a parasitic lifestyle but has become the norm because people much prefer hiding their interdependence even to the point of unapologetically and outright stealing from one another right in front of each others' faces (i.e. "using people")... but do continue this debate.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - "We had/have a lot of things in common but ever since that night he has slowly been severing ties with me (it has been about 4 months)."
"i fucking hate it when people disappear without a peep and think that's somehow acceptable."
Excuse me, I hate to be rude but I have to ask... are we reading the same fucking post, or are you just that fucking bent on ensuring she fucks more people out of the slight chance you might be one of them?
"some people can't (or don't want to) be friends after hooking up and that needs to be respected."
No... it doesn't.
Some people love and care about other people and THAT needs to be fucking respected.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - excuse you, dickhead for turning my words around. I'm not AGREEING with her, at all. SHE sees it as a friendship, which is why I feel like shes using him in the first place. I've been on the crap end of the stick in one of these situations and quite frankly if I could i'd call her a bitch to her face for using this guy like she did I would. fuck you. :)
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Heh... ouch.
He loves you, that's why you can't be "friends." He doesn't want to be "just friends."
It sucks "being friends" with someone that you love/want to be with. I've done it before, you get jealous and hurt at the thought of him with someone else, etc. It's just pain.
Just let go (maybe he'll come back?) and don't have sex with your friends unless you want to date them.
@sexyandskinnyy@xanga -
"...and don't have sex with your friends unless you want to date them."
Here's an idea:
Don't have sex with your friends then subsequently go into denial, refusing to believe you're in a romantic relationship whether you're "dating" them or not.
The relationship determines the words used to describe it.
The words used to describe the relationship do not determine the feelings involved.
First of all, I seriously don't think you were used. I think you were two friends who began to experiment with sex and, in the end, he can't go back to being just your friend. I can tell how much you want to go back to the way things were, but that just isn't going to happen. Try talking to him about how you feel and see if your friendship can move forward, not backward.
@Gaia - Beautifully said.
I'm incredibly sick of reading all the "let him go" bullshit like she is in control of the relationship (or like he is, for that matter).
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "peep" as in, no explanation what's going on.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - The explanation is I am being jealous for the person she had sex with because it seems she can't communicate to him what she's feeling and I've been in a similar situation (but it's nothing personal, even when I angrily argue my point at you).
I'm stepping up and playing the role of a good guy, representing his interests because otherwise they would likely be pushed aside and blatantly overlooked like mine were (that is, for the time being until she resolves to talk to him directly).
Lessons were learned, and you didn't lose your virginity... you know where it is. You gave it to him and you both made a conscious decision that would affect the course of your relationship down the line. It's something you'll remember for the rest of your life and I'm sure he'll see it as well. As a guy, maybe he's processing the situation and learning how to deal with you the next time he encounters you. Then you can both sit down and discuss what happened and why you think the relationship is going downhill. It'll help to get closure and it will make you feel much better in doing so.
Sex changes things. Things will never go back to the way they were before, I'm sorry. You guys weren't in a relationship, he told you he loved you, and you slept with him and you expect to stay friends? He's hurting and you led him on. If you knew his feelings for you, didn't feel the same way and slept with him anyway, then you used him and I don't blame him for cutting you out of his life. I think you learned a big lesson here.
Sex changes things, it's sad you had to learn that the hard way, but now you know. There's really no way to get someone back who doesn't want to be back. Just wait it out, tell him how you feel and wait and see. If he never comes back just hold on to the memory of having a close friend for 10 years.
In person, give him the above blog but do not give him the last paragraph where you ask your question... If your relationship is as close as you have said, he will talk to you about it. The blog will be a good place to start talking about it.
I'm guessing he's experiencing some confusing feelings now...your relationship has changed once you shared physical intimacy, too... It has moved beyond simple friendship....
Good luck.
Christy
It definitely doesn't sound like he used you.. in fact, it seems like you used him. He clearly has feelings for you, it totally sounds to me like you were in a romantic relationship, & by having sex with him you only convinced him that you wanted the same things. Bottom line, stop being so fucking selfish. Apologize for leading him on. & don't ever do this to a guy again.
maybe you got a stanky cooch
and it doesn't sound like he used you. it seemed like the both of you were/are very confused about your feelings before/after sex.
This is why you should never hook up with friends you can't stand to loose...
So buy him a balloon and say "Dude, that was awkward. Sorry; I don't want it to happen like that again. Apology balloon?"