Wednesday, 19 September 2012
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Uncertainty: When to Call it Quits
Post submitted by Datingish reader Nona.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, we're both 21. We started dating in high school and left for college together. In the beginning of our relationship, I was at a rough point in my life. My relationship with my family was bad and I leaned on him heavily. I found myself falling apart through the first few years of college. For the first time, I didn't have to be that strong person in front of him. I didn't have to have a put on a face for the world.Recently, things have been going downhill. We go to school out of our home state. He is always talking about going home and seeing his friends. I personally wouldn't care if we didn't return this summer.
Because of this, I feel as though I can't make a big investment in our future. I can't invest in a car, because he wants to go home and we wouldn't be able to drive the kind of car we can afford there. Every month he owes $500 out of pocket in tuition. It's been three weeks and he has yet to talk to an advisor concerning this. Last year it was only $100, which we could afford. I can take out a loan for $5000 in my name, but I haven't told him this. I don't think it would be fair for me to go into more debt.I feel as though I play the typical woman in the relationship, which I hate. I do all the cooking, partly because I don't like him to touch my food. But he absolutely will not eat without me. He would rather starve than make his own. I also do the laundry, clean the room, do the shopping for groceries and wash the dishes. I've never wanted this in a relationship and I hate the fact that I feel this way.
The romance department has also declined. We've both gained a significant amount of weight, which I also think is a contributing factor. I don't feel the same as I did before. I don't feel butterflies, or excited or any sexual anticipation.
I've been wanting some time to be alone. I went through a lot that he's helped me through. However, as an adult, I have never been by myself. I don't even know what it's like. I don't want my college experience to be one of suffocation; having to come home and cook dinner for two.
I do love him. I have love for him and I care about him. But, I am also afraid to leave him, because he will most likely go back home and not finish school. I do enjoy his company and we can still have good conversations and spend time together. He is there for me at the end of the day. However, I don't want to reach the end of my tether. I don't want to wait until I absolutely hate him.
Is this slump normal? Am I being too idealistic? I feel like I have love and have found someone I love, so why am I so ungrateful?
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Comments (32)
I could tell you but you'd never believe me and it's the absolute last thing you want to hear.
Also, cue the million and one dump him/move on comments.
Anyone else seeing a nauseating pattern in human evolution yet?
i mean...you already know you want to leave, idk why you're asking us. and to be clear, i *do* approve of that decision, because it seems like he's not on top of his shit, while you are. did i read that correctly? he's going to be a deadbeat and i think if you're already feeling miserable and suffocated, you should take time to be single first, and then see other people seriously (if you want).
oh, and for fuck's sake, DON'T TAKE OUT A LOAN FOR HIM. it is painfully obvious to me that he's not going to pay you back--let him be. he's stuck in his comfort zone (largely because you baby him) and if you've already made the effort to bring him out of that zone, don't continue to be his mother. don't get me wrong, i know he did a lot for you when you were younger, but you also need to be forward-looking. you can't be forever indebted to someone.
dear all d-ish readers,
if there is ever any "uncertainty" in your life, i'm pretty sure that between qstorm and me (and maybe a few others), we can solve all your problems.
yours truly.
"...if you're already feeling miserable and suffocated, you should take time to be single first, and then see other people seriously (if you want)."
Yeeup. 100% pure, uncut polygamy using time as the medium because physical distance is just too damn obvious.
If one isn't enough, please go to Hell, directly to Hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect 20 different men to hang above your mantle.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - yeah, the fact that the guy's a deadbeat has absolutely nothing to do with this. looks like i got my point across pretty well.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga -
That does not impair his ability to reproduce.
She can date other people while only fucking him. Let's see how well your point holds up when we remove control factors, bitch.
Men cheat with distance, women cheat with time.
Men get busted, women get cheered on.
Looks like I got my point across pretty well.
First of all, do NOT take out a loan for him. That is a bad, bad, bad idea regardless of whether you stay with him or not.
I can't tell you whether or not you should dump him, but I CAN tell you that from this post, it sounds like you have already made your decision...
"But, I am also afraid to leave him, because he will most likely go back home and not finish school."
You can't live your life for other people. If you break up with him and he ends up back at home, he owns that decision - not you. Right now, just worry about you.
Also, you say that you feel like you are ungrateful for everything he has done for you - On the contrary. I'd say you sound very grateful, which is part of what is making this decision so hard for you. That said, you don't owe it to him to stay in the relationship but you do owe to him (and yourself) to be honest and leave if you are unhappy.
Good luck!
If you aren't married, don't have kids or own property together, and feel like you describe. Break up and both of you get on with your lives. If the above options are true, get legal help and untangle the knots, then go your separate ways.
If the only reason you're with him is because without you, he'd quit making something of himself.... just doesn't sound right!
And agreed with guy above. Do not take out a loan for him. I had a boyfriend years ago who knew I had a credit card and he asked me to buy his computer on it and he'd pay me back. I was beyond hesitant but he made me feel guilty so I did. It took ages to pay off since he paid cash and well, cash in my pockets equal spending money. =( So lame.I agree with the people above about not taking out a loan.
Now as for the rest, it almost sounds like you are in a marriage that has gone south. I think you need to talk to a couples counselor if you are as committed to him as it seems from your post. You need to realize that if this is the way he treats himself and you now, that's how it will be when you move on to further stages of your relationship. But it doesn't have to be that way. Both of you see someone, whether it be a priest, shaman, or therapist. You need to talk this out together and in front on a neutral party that is a trained professional in these matters.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Yea. No kidding. How about they try and stick it out? What's wrong with that? I just don't understand why our generation is so set on giving up at the first sign of something that may go wrong.....
OP: EVERY relationship goes through hard times. Even Marriages. And, Marriages are meant to be a lifelong commitment. But, nowadays, people see one sign of difficulty and just run. Things aren't always going to stay the same. You aren't always going to feel butterflies. You aren't always going to like him. Heck a lot of times you're just going to want to kick him in the balls because of some things that he will do or say. But that doesn't mean you don't love him. You said it yourself, you still care about him, you still have love for him. Butterflies aren't what defines how your relationship is. You just need to be strong. Both of you do. Be his motivation. Show him that you still love him and want him.
@xhalesx@revelife - OMFG...
Exactly.
It's not just me.
I'm surrounded by a generation of delicate whiny bitches and was on the brink of insanity when I read your comment. Who the Hell would've thought zombies could be so... flighty?
financial aid? scholarships? part-time job? community college to take basic education first, then transfer to a university? or if you're already at a university, choose a less expensive one? if you or he can't afford to visit his friends, then that is a sacrifice he has to make in order to save money for tuition. maybe skype-meeting with his friends instead? or they drive to visit him? or if they're broke, too, then visit when you have money to spare. so you dorm together. if you can't afford tuition, then why not live at home temporarily and go to a local college because dorming there would be expensive. or you rent a place near the college? why won't he finish college if he goes back home? if he's depressed, then he needs help or else he might not finish regardless of where he goes to college. why can't he take a loan out on his own name? if his parents have money, so he doesn't qualify for financial aid, then doesn't his parents have the ability/credit to cosign the loan? I let some people in my family borrow money and it was more drama than I expected. I asked once for my money back and one month and 1 day passed, so the day after the person was suppose to give me my money back making it 1 day late. well, the person got mad at me and said that I was harrassing her rofl
they think that they can bend the rules if it was just a verbal agreement to pay me back in 1 month. the person set the repayment time, too, so it wasn't like I didn't give enough time
no courtesy call to tell me that the person was going to be late in returning my money, so I gave her a reminder. then I'm seen as the mean person
relationships can turn sour due to money is all I'm saying. I'll never lend money or get involved with money with others again. that's why I'm spending all of MY money on myself
earn their own
Try taking a break for a week or two. Let him go back home to visit his friends/family and you stay by yourself. That is when you will know if you still want to be with him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
You're only 21. Your life is just starting to make such a big commitments, and being someone's only system of support (he won't go to school if you're not with him?) can be really draining.Talk to him about it, figure your shit out.
@xhalesx@revelife - this is more complicated than just going through a rough patch. she is doing what i always expect of people who enter long-term relationships too young--regretting not dating other people to see what else is out there. not to mention the overriding concern that her boyfriend has no ambition in life, whereas it seems (at first glance, at least) that she does, and values that in another person. she's already indicated that she's being held back by him now, and if she's already given a strong effort to get him to change his ways, we also have indication that things are going to get worse.
@jenigrins@xanga - "I'm surrounded by a generation of delicate whiny bitches..." - Self
"Your life is just starting to make such a big commitments, and being someone's only system of support (he won't go to school if you're not with him?) can be really draining."
Oh fucking no! Look out! You could actually end up being responsible for the welfare of another human being?! What the fuck has this world come to?!?! That sounds like it would suck and be a lot of responsibility!
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - "-regretting not dating other people to see what else is out there."
Everybody already knows "what else" is out there: Other unsuspecting people attempting to avoid responsibility themselves but who are slightly more naive than you are and easier to take advantage of; you fucking parasite.
@OP - You want to know when to call it quits? Before you started. Grow up.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - :( man that hurts. You're so right and witty that I really don't know what to say, expect that you've definitely changed my perspective and I bet I'm not the only one. Keep it up gurl, you've got a future on your shoulder. <3
@jenigrins@xanga -
1. I don't mean to be harsh, but there are few ways to put it that people won't shrug off what I say as mere opinion.
2. I'm a male.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - WAIT WHAT? People shrug off your comments? I'm being so serious right now bro. You are fucking AMAZING AND BRILLIANT AND you totally educated me. I can tell you know relationships. Have you thought about writing a book? Or starting a relationship blog yourself? Seriously. Seriouslllyyyyyyy. Do it. Don't let anyone kill your dream - people need to take your words SERIOUSLY baby girl...oh sorry boy. Thanks for correcting me. I would have never guessed!!!!!!!
@T3hZ10n@xanga - this is for you http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=JhpZfltbnAQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DJhpZfltbnAQ
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I like you :) and very much agree.
I don't think people should run from relationships at the first sign of hard times. My ex and I faced plenty of hard times and stuck with one another. If you are living for him though, you might want to put some space between you two. He should not be that dependent on you to the point he does not eat dinner when you're not around or that he won't finish school if you aren't with him. I'm all for through thick and thin, have had my fair share of it, but there's a point where it's not worth it. You want the other person to do things for you once in awhile. It's not fun to have the other person just depend on you for everything and not give anything back. Everyone keeps saying that relationships take work and you can't run at the first sign of trouble, but it sounds like you're trying and that this isn't the first sign, you're allowed to live life the way you want to, you shouldn't have to support someone (emotionally/finically/whatever) just because some people think you should stick with someone even where there's not any romantic feelings still involved. Those are called friendships and sometimes relationships turn into better friendships than they were relationships.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - aren't you the one who's unemployed and sits in your parents' basement playing wow all day? and this makes me the irresponsible parasite...how? please enlighten me.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga -
1. I don't play video games.
2. Where do you think your money/purchasing power comes from? Yourself, or other people?
Just because you're thriving and I'm not that doesn't change the fact that you're a fucking parasite (albeit, a successful one).
The fact is I could survive on my own and regardless of whether you can you'd still rather fucking live off of others whereas I would love to break off and build my own house on my own fucking land with my own 2 fucking hands, but thanks to a little thing called eminent domain, money is MADE TO BE A NECESSITY and the parasitic lifestyle you enjoy and represent is forced on me.
You're a fat fucking parasite and I'm a starving, homeless, independent human being who is forced to live off of others because the majority, like you, chooses to.
"Tears on the mausoleum floor
Blood stains the Colosseum doors
Lies on the lips of a priest
Thanksgiving disguised as a feast"
http://youtu.be/LqMp9irMU70
"When we die the money we can’t keep
But we probably spend it all cause the pain ain’t cheap, preach"
It is not the rich or the middle class, it is the poorest of the poor that are the "barometer" for how well humanity is doing.