Sunday, 16 September 2012
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Is It Ever Okay to Contact an Ex Years Later?
This post was submitted anonymously.
Here’s one dating question I’ve had for a long time—is it weird to contact an ex years later (whether or not one or both of you is in a relationship) to ask questions that never got asked? Is it weird to be hung up on whatever hurts that went unexplained, and to ask for an explanation years later?Personally, I’ve wanted to do this, but I’ve never actually done it. I’ve wondered why the guy’s feelings seemed to totally change overnight, or why he seemed to be angry with me before we broke up even though I had no clue what went wrong. But I just never thought it would be okay to go back and ask those questions after things had been brushed under the rug for so long.
Recently, my friend who is married was having a rough, emotional night. She had been rejected from some jobs she had been very close to getting, her parents were suddenly very disapproving of her choice to get pregnant so early into her marriage (two years married), and she felt very distanced from the rest of her family and friends.
She and her husband had a fight in which he expressed several disappointments he had with her that she never realized before, and she wasn’t mad at him but she felt sad. I listened to her talk, tried to comfort her, until she laid the whammy down on me by saying that she had contacted her ex that night.I said, “WHAT?”
She said that it wasn’t in any way because she still had feelings for him. (Honestly, at first I thought that was the reason, hence my first reaction.) But she wondered why it seems she just can’t be enough, no matter what she tries—not to job interviewers, not to her husband, not to her parents. She said that it was an emotional decision encompassing all these reasons together. She wanted to know what it was about her that made it fail... that made him not want her.
She also told me she asked him why his mom was sending her hate texts after they broke up—they apparently really hurt her, but she never received an explanation for his mom’s vitriol. She wanted to know what it is about her that things in her life in general don’t seem to work.After she explained it, I kind of understood better why she did it. But I still thought it was crazy. I don’t even think she has feelings for him, but I told her he will probably feel freaked out by her sudden questions and take it as her having feelings for him. Which he did. And she felt confused, but whatever.
The whole point of this post, despite my friend’s circumstance, is to ask—is it ever a smart choice? Is it understandable and therefore okay to ask an ex these questions years down the line because it is an unresolved hurt if you will? Or is it totally crazy?
I had mixed feelings after talking to my friend. So, I’m not sure anymore.
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Comments (44)
Why wouldn't it be okay?
Totally pro communicating with exes in most circumstances. Just don't hide it from your current partner (you shouldn't have to). So, generally, yes, ok. However, when you're emotional in this way is generally a bad time to ask questions like "what's wrong with me?" of anyone. Also, why would her husband tell her things like that when she's already upset about other things (clearly)?
Ex's are bad bad news!
contact the ex via collect call at a public phone station like mia farrow is doing
no, it would be very obnoxious if an ex contacted me years later asking questions when I'm already over it and want to forget it, but he brings up the past and I'm suppose to be over it emotionally, but if it was a bad breakup, I often want nothing to do with him afterwards and he'd give me the stalker or drama queen impression if he kept persisting on knowing the answers. he should've asked when the incident was current. why didn't he/she ask when it was current for quicker closure? why did they torture themselves for years because of unresolved questions??
@Foodhog@xanga - Lol... whose exes are bad (bad) news?
A friend is someone who knows that you're never enough, but loves you anyway. There may be no right answer to the questions she has, but the fact that you care about her may be what she needs most.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Well I can only speak for mine so my ex's aha.
i've had questions like that but i have *way* too much of an ego to give any girl the impression that i have any desire to speak to her again.
I'm in your friend's exact situation. There were unresolved problems and many questions that were never answered which left me with no closure. Without closure, it eats you up entirely...even if years pass by. Anyone can shove it away but it will come back to haunt you with that question of what if. It's really hard but to answer your question... no it is not a smart choice because #1: The guy will either have moved on and not want to deal with any of your questions. #2: It's the past and we just have to tell ourselves that the past is the past and we can never change it.
It's hard...but it'll only get worse if they connect each other in the long run. Ex's are ex's for a reason.All of my ex's were important people in my life, they helped me become who I am today. I like staying in touch with them. Some of them cause drama or I just don't relate to them anymore, so I don't talk to those ones as much... but I don't think theres any harm in having conversation, a friendship, asking a question, saying hello, meeting for coffee... it all depends on the person and what the intentions are. Talking about it and expressing what one hopes to get out of the encounter is really all it takes, IMO.
I wouldn't encourage someone doing it for the reasons your friend did, because I don't think exes are really people who are qualified to comment upon our current issues, and there is rarely a correlation between the issues we had with them, and the ones troubling us now.
However, as exes are significant parts of our lives, I think there are circumstances where it would be okay to contact one after many years silence... perhaps if we wish to restrike up a friendship, perhaps if we have realized a mistake we made a long time ago and need to apologize, or even in the case of old feelings becoming stronger after the long absence. Should everybody run out and redial their post-high school pre-college fling? Not by a long shot... but if the person was really important to you, for a substantial length of time, and in a positive manner, I can completely understand wanting to reintroduce that party to your life.
I think it should be okay. I would do it just to hear from someone who knew me well where I can improve. But, as always, it depends on how the breakup occurred.
It's kinda crazy, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong. I wouldn't do it...not YEARS after, that's a long time which leaves room for error on the ex's part in remembering why they broke it off. Things get fuzzy over time. But I have done it MONTHS after. YEARS after...my goodness if you haven't gotten over it by then...then you need to get over it soon somehow someway! Still the way you described this hurtful time in her life I can understand why she did it, even though her ex or her husband didn't understand. To be honest an ex's opinion of you shouldn't mean shit, but if a person does this in the name of "self-exploration" well more power to them. I think if someone does ask for the proverbial can of worms to be opened then they have to still decide to hold the upper hand on what they think about themselves. What you think about yourself should be self-protecting, and self-promoting...not the negative bullshit ppl try to force down your throat. Even if you acknowledge your flaws, your positive attributes should outshine them in your mind. Good luck to your friend!
Sure.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - lol some guy's egos r bigger than texas!
When we're done, we're done. If I had wanted closure, I wouldn't wait that long to get it from them. I'll do it soon after the break up or during the break up and move on.
I hope you're back in contact with your friend. It sounds like she really needs a sympathetic ear right now.....
Don't be angry with her because she contacted an ex (unless said ex is your boyfriend now, hahaha...). She was feeling hurt and lost and understandably so! It wasn't like she had ex-sex... she just made a phone call. She probably thought that the universe had unloaded so much shit on her that day that she needed to make a few demands of her own.... that she was entitled at this point to some answers that she was too polite to ask for at the time.
Please keep talking to your friend. I don't think she did anything wrong.
Definitely. Though, if the other person abused you... probably not. Their answers are usually worthless because all one needs to know is, it was NOT you. But in any other case, never hurts to ask. I did with my first love. I too wondered why I was never enough. It turned out that he felt I was more than enough but it was just his young age and the curiosity of other females he had never experienced before me (we were each others firsts) that made him question us. Which now, years later, I understand. I guess in a sense I wasn't enough, honestly. He did want to experience other women! He however always came back to me and we are now friends. But yes! Sometimes you just need to know to get over stuff, to have peace. :) Sometimes you won't like the answer but at least you know.
Hopefully your friends life gets better! Tell her that him being a jackass and not being able to reply back maturely just means that that is why HE wasn't good enough for her. Also to tell people in her life that it is her life so to respect her decisions and tell her husband that there's a reason he married her so he better start appreciating her. She isn't to be disrespected so damn much. She will be his kids mother! :) The end.For me, it really depends on what terms the past relationships ended on. Good terms, yes, it's fine to contact. Bad terms, well, it depends on how you feel and if they no longer hold a grudge against you. For me, personally, I never really cut off contact with any of my exes (the ones that ended on good terms) so I don't know that dreary indecisiveness firsthand. But, I would say it's fine if the circumstances are in good terms.
I did that when I was going through a really rough time and he gave me great advice and was kind to me. He made me feel better about what was happening and it was very surprising. I wouldn't say that we ended amiably either. I think that if an Ex contacted me and wanted honest answers, I would take the time and energy to be open and honest with them.
@maybmaybnot@xanga - haha. i don't generally impose it upon other people unless i have deemed it *really* necessary (which is quite rare). i'm not into girls who are into arrogant guys, or who are arrogant themselves.
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having read a whole bunch of comments saying that a few years is too long: this is silly and short-sighted. sometimes you need more than just a few months to sort out what happened; sometimes the ex maybe was either inarticulate at the time, or otherwise didn't give you a straight answer and you think that with some years of maturing, he/she can be more helpful; sometimes something happened that *only* that person can explain. especially if it was a particularly traumatizing experience, i really don't think it's unreasonable to try again after some years.
and for those who said you're trying to close the door and "get over it"...it seems to me that if the other person is trying to contact you under these circumstances, you were the one that rejected him/her. therefore it seems like you should already be over it, especially after so many years, so i don't see what the issue is.
maybe the reason is that the ex is an annoying asshole. he doesn't really want answers. he wants to get on my good side again and be friendly so that he can have a second chance since he fucked up the first time. guess what, regret your stupid actions for the rest of your life and suffer in your unresolved emotions, because you deserved it*muwahahahahh!* self reflect and figure out what he did on his own. he was dumped for a reason that he won't accept. get over his own denial
I generally don't think it's a good idea. I wouldn't like an ex of mine to call me after years to ask me questions about our relationship. I also think that sometimes, some questions are better left unanswered. I mean, I wouldn't really want to know a lot of the real reasons some of my relationships ended - but what's the point in knowing? Those relationships are over and done with, and what if you get an answer that you really don't want to hear?
I just think the past should stay in the past, especially if you two don't even talk anymore. If you're still friends and the subject comes up, then I think it's maybe more acceptable, but I don't see the point in trying to get back in touch with someone just to rake up the past.
I want to get in touch with my very first boyfriend because he was my best friend but not so much to talk about the past. Just wanted to see how he is because I haven't seen him in over 4-6 years.. :/ My recent ex is sociopathic. Don't really want him in my life because I know he is with some other girl who is swallowing all his lies.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - hmm interesting