Sunday, 16 September 2012
This post was submitted anonymously.
Here’s one dating question I’ve had for a long time—is it weird to contact an ex years later (whether or not one or both of you is in a relationship) to ask questions that never got asked? Is it weird to be hung up on whatever hurts that went unexplained, and to ask for an explanation years later?
Personally, I’ve wanted to do this, but I’ve never actually done it. I’ve wondered why the guy’s feelings seemed to totally change overnight, or why he seemed to be angry with me before we broke up even though I had no clue what went wrong. But I just never thought it would be okay to go back and ask those questions after things had been brushed under the rug for so long.
Recently, my friend who is married was having a rough, emotional night. She had been rejected from some jobs she had been very close to getting, her parents were suddenly very disapproving of her choice to get pregnant so early into her marriage (two years married), and she felt very distanced from the rest of her family and friends.
She and her husband had a fight in which he expressed several disappointments he had with her that she never realized before, and she wasn’t mad at him but she felt sad. I listened to her talk, tried to comfort her, until she laid the whammy down on me by saying that she had contacted her ex that night.
I said, “WHAT?”
She said that it wasn’t in any way because she still had feelings for him. (Honestly, at first I thought that was the reason, hence my first reaction.) But she wondered why it seems she just can’t be enough, no matter what she tries—not to job interviewers, not to her husband, not to her parents. She said that it was an emotional decision encompassing all these reasons together. She wanted to know what it was about her that made it fail... that made him not want her.
She also told me she asked him why his mom was sending her hate texts after they broke up—they apparently really hurt her, but she never received an explanation for his mom’s vitriol. She wanted to know what it is about her that things in her life in general don’t seem to work.
After she explained it, I kind of understood better why she did it. But I still thought it was crazy. I don’t even think she has feelings for him, but I told her he will probably feel freaked out by her sudden questions and take it as her having feelings for him. Which he did. And she felt confused, but whatever.
The whole point of this post, despite my friend’s circumstance, is to ask—is it ever a smart choice? Is it understandable and therefore okay to ask an ex these questions years down the line because it is an unresolved hurt if you will? Or is it totally crazy?
I had mixed feelings after talking to my friend. So, I’m not sure anymore.