Sunday, 16 September 2012
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Dating Someone Who Has Been Newly Divorced/Broken Up
This post was submitted anonymously.
Maybe I'm "jealous" that you're able to find someone new right away and keep them long term no matter who it is or maybe I'm not...I used to have trouble as it is getting someone to stick around to try to get to know them to become more and yet, you can do this without effort.If I had been in a 5 year relationship with someone and it just ended, I know I could never replace that person right away. Nor could I ever move on so fast. My heart would not be in the new relationship and it wouldn't be fair to that new person that I'm still thinking about someone else. We all know that life's not fair, but if I am able to be in control of the fairness, I will make it fair.
How do you do it? Do you know someone who is a serial monogamist? Have you been one yourself? If your previous relationship treated you horribly, then I can understand why you would want to move on quickly, but even then, I don't find that to be an excuse. My thoughts on the matter is that you can't keep someone around for a lifetime of marriage if you're not even okay with being single for a while to find yourself.
What do you think? Do you agree/disagree?
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Comments (19)
I believe the one who is worth staying with is the one you'd be willing to live and die single without.
If not being able to have them doesn't send you into an all-out rebellion against the universe where you swear you're never going to love again, they're probably not the one for you. Love can't be seen as a mere "option". It can never work that way. Never has, never will. You have to be willing to dive in heart first... and if it doesn't work and you still have some of your heart left to give someone else, you obviously held back, and you did it wrong.
You get what you give.
I haven't really been single since I started dating in middle school and I'm almost 24 now. My experience is that I tend to fall out of relationships and into a new relationship with someone already close to me. I've never really "dated" because I've always really known who I wanted to be with and wanted to get right into exploring the new relationship. I can understand how it might not work if you were really hurt by the earlier relationship/s. My thoughts are that not all relationships are meant to succeed and the failed relationships give you help in making future relationships more successful. Mourn, and move on to something stronger/better when you can.
I've been dating my guy for almost a year, we have plans to marry each other and all that because we just feel that we are it for one another. I've been in relationships that lasted years and never got this far with someone. So if he and I broke up now, I wouldn't want to date in a long time. I'd hurt too much. So I think it's the dreams you had with someone that help determine how soon you will move on. If you'd seriously even commited to them. I moved on quick from 2 boyfriends I had because I was done. The first love relationship that lasted 3 years took ages to get over but I got into serious relationships after anyway so I could try to move on and experience new things. Depends on the person I guess.
If I broke up with my significant other I don't think I would be able to date another person for a very long time.
I haven't been a serious monogamist nor a casual dater/flinger. I'm mostly used to being single, so I have to get used to someone else in my life and be able to tolerate him long enough before I become annoyed. I found a guy, who I've been able to tolerate and vice versa. the other guys often did things that annoyed me so much that I didn't miss them and didn't care. I know you're suppose to try to accept the other person's little habits and quirks but not if they continuously push my buttons. I'd rather be with someone, who constantly makes me smile, but who wouldn't:D
as for the title of this post; I'd love to sit on my crush's lap after he is newly divorced
I want to pet his hair while I purr in his ear as he pets my arm and kisses my neck like a spoiled princess cat
it isn't dating, just petting
I've heard it takes half the length in time that you were in the relationship to get over that relationship.
@Gaia - I was with my ex husband for six years and let me tell you, I was over him and our marriage in less than six months after our divorce.
But anyways, I've always had been a fast mover. I get over someone and the relationship fast. I guess I really don't like to throw myself pity parties or dwell on a relationship when it doesn't work out. But no, I wouldn't want to date anyone either if they had just broken up or gotten a divorce.
I would like to find someone, and have wanted to for a while. My ex and I broke up like 8 months ago and I've been over him for months. No real options, kind of a bummer. He moved on in like a month though lol so it just depends on the person.
I think it's really unhealthy to jump from relationship to relationship without a break inbetween. I think you should ALWAYS take some time out between relationships just to come to terms with things and to take some time out for yourself for a couple of months. Make sure you're over your last relationship, make sure that you're not going to back together with them and make sure there are no unanswered questions and problems that are going to rear up if you get with someone new.
I think my main problem when it comes to relationships is usually, when they end, I am so hurt I feel I have to throw my heart at someone else rather than sit on my own and have to deal with the fact that it's broken. Maybe this is a really unhealthy thing to do, but it's been exactly what I've done since I started dating at 14. Don't get me wrong, I have had periods of time between relationships where I've been single, but they have usually been full of meaningless hook-ups and one night stands, just to get some sense of intimacy. I guess I'm just not good at getting over people. And I hate to be alone. Kinda sad, I guess.
I agree completely... if you were in love with someone, you can't give yourself to someone new immediately. The next person you are with should have our full attention and not clouded over partially by the person you haven't let go altogether.
I've known a few, but I definitely am not. It's very rare that I find someone that I'm interested in dating.
I think there's a difference between dating and getting into a relationship. I was divorced a couple of months ago, and we've been separated for 5 months. He was my high school sweetheart...my first date, my first kiss, my first and only everything. He cheated on me and pretty much crushed my heart. I was devastated and cried constantly for the first two months or so. I was terrified. I had never even been on a date with another man. My aunt told me I needed to get back on the horse and just get over that initial hump to alleviate those fears, and I did. I'm no where near ready to be in a relationship, but dating has helped me realize a lot of things about my marriage (and divorce) that I wasn't paying attention to. It has helped me feel better about myself at a time when my self esteem was pretty much around 0. So I don't think dating is a bad thing. Obviously, I can't be committed to another person right now. It wouldn't be fair to make them share headspace with my ex who I still occasionally miss no matter how much of a douchebag he was. But dating has been fun and eye-opening for me.
I was with my ex for five years and we were kind of still dating even after that from October till this past July. I have never gotten over someone so incredibly quickly, but during the time we were still kind of dating I never thought I could get over him. In July I found out he had a girlfriend since the June before we broke up, that he was living with her, and that she was paying for his school. We were long distance, but we saw each other four times during that time span for a week or two each time. After finding all that out (as well as telling the other girl who also broke things off with him) I was able to get over him fairly quickly. I think I cried once. I have dated a few guys since then, but I don't think I'd want anything serious right now. I'm not a relationship person really unless I'm absolutely sure I want to be with that person and you can tell. I mean, I obviously don't have the best judgement of character if I had stayed with him that long, but I know he was very committed to me up until he moved away. I don't think I could date someone seriously after they just got out of a relationship though. Just dating is fine, but to jump into another relationship without really any break is a red flag to me. Unless there is obviously a lot of chemistry and attraction, the only reason (to me) that a person jumps from relationship to relationship is because they don't know how to be alone. I'm a firm believer in a person needs to know how to be alone and they need to know how to love themselves. I don't want to be with someone just because they're scared of being alone, you never know if they even like you or if you were just the next best option. I mean, obviously that's not true in all cases, but I would be weary about someone who goes from one relationship to the next.
@T3hZ10n@xanga -
"I believe the one who is worth staying with is the one you'd be willing to live and die single without.
If
not being able to have them doesn't send you into an all-out rebellion
against the universe where you swear you're never going to love again,
they're probably not the one for you. Love can't be seen as a mere
"option". It can never work that way. Never has, never will. You have to
be willing to dive in heart first... and if it doesn't work and you
still have some of your heart left to give someone else, you obviously
held back, and you did it wrong.
You get what you give."
The first sentence you said bothered me a bit. Because it sounds like words coming from someone who refuses to get over a past relationship.
However, I do agree with you that breaking up with a person you dove in heart first would 'send you into an all-out rebellion against the universe' - but initially only. If you've done everything you possibly can in your mind, and she doesn't respond to you - doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then that's it. It's time to start moving on. And that's just the beginning. Periods of sadness. And anger. When you accept that the relationship is actually over, you'll be plenty mad at her for breaking the dreams you had, the dreams/future you thought you both created. ...if you feel like you held back, I understand why you think that way now. We all make mistakes - just have to learn from it and use it in your future relationship (whether it's with a past gf or new). Forgive yourself, dude.
I see love as an option. And it seems beautiful to me when we know we have options - yet choose to be with one person day in and day out. Falling in love is like being drunk - it's a wonderful light-hearted feeling you do without thinking. But when the feeling fades, what is left? Choice.
I feel that you probably know firsthand that life isn't always fair, and that you don't always get what you give. Even if you put in 110%, sometimes the other person wasn't on the same wavelength as you are. If you feel really strongly and know that it was you who did something wrong, I suggest giving it all you've got to make things right. What went wrong? What did she say she wanted from you? Will it take time? But be aware, that if it doesn't work, you have to move on...for the sake of yourself - to get the relationship you truly want and deserve.
And even if you do get back together, the relationship is not the same. The old one didn't work, don't start a relationship again expecting different results. If you do get back together, it will have to be a new one - with the previous problems in the old relationship being solved first.
While I may not agree with your beliefs completely, I do feel you're a person who would do a lot for his girlfriend. I hope that your future girlfriend will realize what a lucky girl she is and treats you as well as you will treat her.
I will say sorry in advance if I've assumed anything in the past paragraphs. I just felt a strong pull to say something after reading what you wrote.
@Guest - No future girlfriend.
"I understand why you think that way now. We all make mistakes - just have to learn from it and use it in your future relationship (whether it's with a past gf or new)."
You can't begin to imagine why I think "the way" I think. I already know what you're going to say and I could write the same shit you just came up with 20 different ways before you ever said anything to me. It's useless fucking coping mechanism bullshit on the same level as learned helplessness.
Instead of apologizing in advance, why don't you shut the fuck up with your baseless fucking rationalizations in advance? And don't answer that. I already know.
"Forgive yourself, dude."
I was baptized. That's not my job.
"If you've done everything you possibly can in your mind..."
Time. My mind is infinite.
http://youtu.be/-JYe3Q9mKsc
"Don't underestimate the things that I will do."
"I feel that you probably know firsthand that life isn't always fair, and that you don't always get what you give."
I know life isn't always fair, but I always get what I give.
"But be aware, that if it doesn't work, you have to move on..."
Really I don't.
"While I may not agree with your beliefs..."
I don't have beliefs.
http://youtu.be/LqMp9irMU70
I agree.. I think it is wise to take a break between relationships to digest what happened, our contribution to it and even get some therapy, when necessary, to learn how to avoid it the next time.
Christy
I am dating someone who had broken up with his girlfriend the day I met him... unrelated story actually. I mention it here only because at first it really worried me that we were both looking for a bounce. But it's worked out so far and Though I can imagine it could be a potentially TERRIBLE idea for someone to get with another
justafter breaking up with the last (Especially if the prior relationship had lasted over 3 years for either party), I can also understand that it is possible that it was just the best timing anyone could ever hope for.
My parents marriage came from a bounce, and they're still faithfully happy together over thirty years later.
I think when breaking up with someone from a long term relationship over a certain amount of years you are so integrated into that other person's life it takes time to move on that you have to spend time with yourself. The problem is sometimes we move on too quickly to someone else that we use this person that we have in our life as a " rebound" .