I have been single for a total of 4 months in the past 6 years. At the age of 18 I met my first love and we dated for 9 months. After that ended, I had 3 months to try and see what kind of game I had. Apparently the answer was “none.” I drunkenly made out with one guy from San Francisco at a party. He had a fake grill and it was not a high point in my life.
Then I met my next love and we dated for two years. At that point we broke up and I slept with an old friend. A few weeks later I ended up getting back with my boyfriend and was forced to feel pretty guilty about my hook up. Three years later, I am now resolutely single, but totally clueless about how to
date without getting into a relationship. I recently had my first first date in five years. It was with a nice guy I met at a bar. He was thoroughly vetted by the girlfriends I was having drinks with, and they approved me to take him up on his offer of cutting my hair (he is a hair stylist). The haircut was great and we had a lot in common, so I asked him out.
On the date, I learned that he had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship. I felt comforted knowing we were in the same boat, but worried he may have the same issue as me: not knowing how to keep things casual.
This was amplified by the fact that he asked me to hang out again the very next day. I was excited that he liked me enough to want to hang out again, but worried things may be moving too quickly.
Tell me lovelies, how do you keep things casual?
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Comments (18)
Perhaps let him know you want it casual? Seems like the best first step.
Yup. Communicate it with him. Dating goes bad when you can't just say what you want. So tell himwhat you just told us, minus some details. If he isn't an ass and truly into you, he will understand.
the existence of serial monogamists is one of the biggest reasons i don't ever want to do a monogamous relationship. what is it that you're scared of (or that you hate about yourself?) that makes you always want to be dependent on someone else?
to answer the question: if you don't treat things like a relationship, it won't be a relationship. you don't talk everyday, you see other people, you don't invite each other to every minor event that happens in your life, you don't introduce each other to your friends as your so.
oh, which reminds me, you should have more faith in yourself to vet out guys. combined with your serial monogamy, i think you have self-esteem issues (not an attack on you, just an observation).
isn't he gay if he's a stylist?
I didn't date much nor was I in a serious relationship during my college years, didn't sleep around either*gasp* I think I'm like megan fox, where you're surprised that the "hot" one, hasn't dated much, although there were people interested. I think that's what they mean by beggars can't be choosers. I wasn't a beggar by any means. I had too many options that I didn't bother to choose any of them
okay, not that "many" but not less than 1 either
I think I get more satisfaction teasing than having actual sex, although orgasms are great and all. that's probably why I can't or haven't had random sex. pffft...he hasn't even seduced me yet! I don't mean just a few smooth lines. the long drawn out tease and chase that tom cruise had with the spy girl in the mission impossible II movie was so hot. seduce me with your eyes and then rescue me from the dangling cliff of loooove
I'll follow your voice to your bedroom
but this will only turn me on if the guy is super hot and has a sexy voice to work with. otherwise, no way. I don't get how some people can have flings. if you worked hard to build and continuously improve your home, would you let just anyone wander into your sanctuary and play around as they please? that's how I view sex and my body. not just any POS guy can touch dis
to each their own or wutevarz.
I think it depends on what you mean by 'casual' and by 'relationship.' What defines a 'relationship' to you. What is a 'casual relationship' missing that a formal/full/real relationship has? Once you figure that out, it's a matter of not doing whatever that thing is, and letting him know what isn't happening.
Personally, I have two states: "single/just friends" and "relationship." My current relationship started with an FWB, then semi-open relationship arrangement [we were wary of the 3-hour distance factor], but that didn't last (became a relationship). I can't complain.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being a serial monogamist. But I think if you are one and you feel like you need to build your identity outside a relationship, you should avoid all semblances of one. i.e. keep it non-physical and non-exclusive. But if you really like him and vice versa, that's kind of silly. You're lucky to find so many good guys. Just go with the flow.
I submitted a post a long time ago talking about people who are serial monogamists. What's so horrible about being single for a long period of time?
There was this girl who would constantly change her status on facebook every single time she met someone new. I didn't add her back to my new account, especially since I found she had hooked up with my fling before. I'm actually very shocked she managed to stay single for a fling with my fling and i'm shocked she didn't broadcast it to the public like she did all over her facebook with her other relationships. she annoys me to no end with her relationship posts all the 24/7 time.
I keep things casual by not jumping into a relationship right away and being their friend first, so in case there is a bad break up, we knew each other as friends first and can still be friends after. I don't just write someone off because a relationship ended, unless he was really a jack ass not worth my time to be kept as a friend. Treat him like you would any other regular friend, and take it slowly. You could go on a group outting.
There is a difference between keeping things casual and going slow. What do you want out of this relationship. Could it ultimately lead to a good relationship, do you want it to? Sounds like you have rebound issues also. That won't make you feel better. Figure out what you want. I tried the casual dating thing and found out I didn't like it as much as someone who really cares about me. Fear of getting hurt was why I wanted only casual, but found no meaning in it. Good luck. It's a jungle out there.
If you think it could ultimately lead to a good relationship, you don't have to shut it down right away. In my experience, when things are meant to be kept casual it's painfully obvious to both people that it's just casual. There's attraction and a spark, but no real connection. I've never had to explain myself to my casual dates. I'm in the same boat as you of getting out of a five year relationship and I'm in no hurry to get into another relationship. I've learned to be really straightforward with what I want though. I don't hang out with the guy every day or every night for that matter, I don't text them everyday or all day, I emphasize how busy I am (which I would do even if it wasn't true, but it is), and I just make sure they know it's casual. Casual daters seem to have a way of flocking to other casual daters. I've casually dated a few guys I've met at bars and, for the most part, you don't seriously date someone you meet at a bar. It works for some people, but for the most part you know those people are just looking for fun.
My biggest concern about serial monogamists is how do they even know they truly love(d) someone if they jump into another relationship right away? Take Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johanson for example...they divorced and Ryan is already married to some immature girl from Gossip Girl and they were only together for 11 months and that was for a brief period after he and S.J. divorced and he's already married to the new girl. I bet he cheated on Scarlett since it said irreconcilable differences to which he never loved her anyway. No one can move on that fast if they were truly in love if they are able to jump in with someone right away and completely forget about the other person. I'd view that as a slap in the face if someone did that to me.
You and I are a lot alike. I think I'm worse than you, though. I started dating an older guy when I was 12 and was with him until I was 17. A month after we broke up I started dating another guy and was with him until a couple of weeks ago. I'm 19 and I'm single for the first time since I hit puberty. I have this enormous weight lifted from my shoulders and I have no plans to date for a year or so...but even then I don't want to jump into a relationship with the first guy I like. For once, I want to date a guy and not believe with all my heart that I'm going to marry him.
I think it's harder to give off a "casual dater" vibe if you have never done it. Guys I date seem to head in the relationship direction, and I have no choice but to be bluntly honest that I do not want a boyfriend. Of course when you say that, they think you just want sex. And if you don't, they wonder why the fuck they are taking you out. It is what it is I guess... just be honest, meet different kinds of guys. If it gets exhausting, take a break. It's the beauty of singlehood, you're only obligated to yourself. Good luck!
@ShirleyD@xanga - @taketimeforme@xanga - Haha, simple and concise, I like it!
@sunflowersforlove@xanga - I like that advice for sure. I think I am just worried about titles, when I should really just be enjoying life and communicating along the way :)
Not that this is the advice you want to hear, but frankly, I would avoid dating if you aren't ready to fully commit yourself to the idea of a relationship. If you aren't at least going to give a guy consideration for the long haul, why bother at all? Pleasure? There are a wide variety of pleasures in the world, and if you're lacking some, take the time to find them, you're garunteed to need them later. Companionship? You don't need a relationship for this, you need a kitty. Don't offend a man by trying to put him in the place of a someone else. Need for abs? Watch 300.
Because you don't know how to not be in a relationship?
Acquire this skill. You really will need it down the road, even if you are happily married with a great life. Everybody needs to learn how to carry their own groceries up the steps, even if they are revoltingly gluten-free.
Reading your posts, you seem independent, confident, and quite happy and satisfied with yourself, and the relationships you have pursued. There's a lot of things to admire about you, including your most recent triumphs over medical and social adversity. Why would you want to change the pattern that got you to this place? If you liked the guys you've dated... why put yourself into a pattern where you'll be meeting a totally different type of fellow?
I'm in this boat too. My first relationship was at 18, lasted almost 7 years. Now I'm 2 years into my 2nd relationship, and there was only a month or two in between. It's just incredibly easy to fall into the motions of a committed relationship. It's habitual, and learned, so you need to take some time to unlearn it.
The first two comments really hit a home run. Communicate that you want to keep things simple/casual, or that you're not ready for anything serious. As you mentioned, you're both in similar situations so he should be more than understanding.
My current BF was upfront with me about wanted to get to know me better as friends before we jumped into anything serious. I have to admit that I was startled about his honesty, but I definitely appreciated the lack of pressure on our first hang out.
Why focus on keeping things casual? Instead, play it as this... "I'm afraid we both may not know how to have a casual relationship, and right now, that's all I'm really interested in. I am interested in getting to know you more, but I just want friendship right now. Maybe some potential later, much later, but right now, I just want to know that I can have a serious friendship with someone of the opposite gender. And I need to know that you can handle that, you know?" kind of thing.
Best wishes girlie,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~