Friday, 14 September 2012
-
Cyclical Relationships: Are They Healthy?
The chances that a couple that breaks up after dating for a longer period of time will have a clean break up the first time “it’s over” is highly unlikely, at least for most people I know. The pattern of breaking up and getting back together is for the most part a big waste of time, energy, and tears.
Some long term couples take a break in their relationships for a couple of weeks, and it helps them come to terms with certain aspects of their relationship, and address the problems, only to make the relationship stronger. But most couples embrace getting back together as the ‘happy period’ only to find that they are back where they started, with the same old problems. It’s more than likely that in a couple of weeks, they will be breaking up again.Professor Amber Vennum from Kansas State University calls these “cyclical relationships.” Vennum states that, "If you tend to be cyclical while dating, you tend to be cyclical while married. The more you are cyclical, the more your relationship quality tends to decrease and that creates a lack of trust and uncertainty about the future of the relationship, perpetuating the pattern."
A friend of mine is currently going through this with her boyfriend of about two years. It’s a huge struggle, and there’s no way to downplay the emotions involved. They definitely love and care about each other, but there are so many things that make them different and incompatible. My friend recognizes this and she wishes he could change. He is even willing to try and change – over and over again. But the question is, will he? And what about her? She could change a few things about herself as well.
Can people change once they have already grown up? Will he change the way he acts when he is drunk? Will he change the way he reacts when they fight? Will he start going to sleep earlier so he can wake up early like she does? Is anyone actually willing to change for the long term? Or is it a willingness to change for the short term, to shut the other person up, and make them happy in the near and present future?Change in a relationship is possible, as long as both people aren’t opposed to changing. It takes two to tango. One person is not solely at fault.
There are so many little things that when looked at closely just actually create one big problem. As hard as it is to admit, the problem is actually the person. Or, who the person is not.Only time can tell…
Vennum recommends the cold-turkey approach, at least for a little while: "Researchers have found that on days when we see our exes, we feel more feelings of love towards them than on days we don’t." So turn off Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” and stick to your guns!
Have you ever been or are you in a cyclical relationship?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: realwomentell
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 4 Views: 0 18686 Comments: 0 86 View all posts by realwomentell
Comments (15)
I definitely don't think they're healthy. One of my exes is in one now, and He seems miserable.
it depends. if they keep breaking up and making up and during the break up period, they see who else is out there and date around without it being considered cheating, then I don't think that is helpful. but if they didn't break up but used it as a break time to brainstorm and reflect on who they are and how they can possibly improve themselves for the better, then it might work out or at least they used that time wisely. if it has been years of difficulty trying to get along, then it might be a lost cause and cut your losses without dragging it longer. however, each situation is different, so it is up to them to decide what's good for their relationship. on that note, figure out what works for you:D
I don't see change as a bad thing depending on what type of change. adapt accordingly. are you going to get buttass drunk and punch your boss out at work? then picture your s.o. as your boss and you don't want to get fired and become homeless. have self control and don't blame others.
Nope.
When you're actually in a relationship and not analyzing it from the sidelines I doubt that's a real issue. Probability does not apply to individual cases.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "are you going to get buttass drunk and punch your boss out at work?"
http://youtu.be/E6nCBQXJdRg
Whenever I'm in a relationship it tends to be cyclical like that. It never stops. Every four weeks or so she gets all mean and nasty and then, magically, one week later we're back to normal. Lord only knows what's causing it!
Yeah this sounds familiar, for myself and friends alike. I've done the break and am in the middle of the 'fixing' part with my relationship. I'm hoping it leads to something stronger, not another downward spiral. It seems impossible to really walk away when you truly love someone. And work is also nearly impossible... Ahg love. But it's worth fighting for.
With my current boyfriend, we have come upon an agreement. It includes code names as time out words. Cuz we will fight over stupid stuff, feel bad, and regret the whole stubborn fight. We both has strong wills and views so it can be a challenge. lol. We've never done a break cuz as soon as one is mentioned, the other melts and hugs the other and says sorry for it all and yeah.
People just need to be understanding, sensitive, and self less for once with someone in your life. Takes practice but if you love them, you can make it work. Maybe not change... but compromise! What relationships are held up opon.I never considered them so. All those mixed signals are more trouble than they are worth. If someone cannot say for 100% certain they want to be with me, they're out the door. I don't want to have to deal with uncertainties like that.
I think they're stupid. You either stay committed to each other and learn to work through your problems as a couple, or you decide it's not worth it, break up and go your separate ways.
the person should change if he/she wants to..n not if he/she is required to, even for a relationship..coz eventually..the root nature of someone, will come back up, if oppressed
we are what we r..n we fell in love/liked the person he/she is
if too many "breaks"...i guess it's an indication to ask oneself what either wants to do..for one, if you love someone n he/she does not feel happy or is uncertain, it's best to let them go
let time give you the answer
communicate honestly and compromise if its the same goal both wants to achieve
but well, sometimes that too does not help, but it's worth a try.
People change all the time. It's just not always change that's convenient for ourselves and those who love us.
Two of my friends were in a cyclical relationship together. They have a few big problems and they don't exactly fix it every time they got back together. It got pretty bad.
It's frustrating for everyone, and I do hope that they stay separate permanently instead of just starting the cycle again
they generally don't last, then again a lot of relationships don't
First of all, just the fact that your friend is wishing her boyfriend could change is not healthy. We all need to grow as individuals, sure, but she can't just pin it on him. She needs to be supportive of his desire and attempts to change, and she needs to acknowledge them. And I'm sure you're a wonderful friend, and very good to talk to, but she needs to work through her problems with him and not go to you to vent. That will just fuel the animosity.
If a couple really thinks their problems merit breaking up, they shouldn't be together. Either they can stay together and work through all the difficult stuff, or they can't. If they can't, it's unhealthy. A relationship is about working together to make each other happy and successful. Why bother if all it brings is sorrow?
I say that couples should get ONE CHANCE to break up and get back together. Ideally, this would never happen. But I think it's possible to grow as people between try one and try two. More than once though? It just ends up getting ridiculous. People need to be mature enough not to break up just because there's a problem.