Recently my boyfriend, of just 8 months, asked me to marry him. Though I said yes, I do not think I am ready to be in such a serious commitment with someone so controlling, so quick and with so much of an age difference.
He's so excited and I don't want to piss on his parade. But inside, it hurts more than I show when he calls me fat, tells me what to do and how to do it. He even forces me speak to his brother, whom I was once in a one year and three month relationship with, that did not end too well.
Sometimes I don't feel as if I even love him after he made his comments about his exes extremities. He brags about his body, how much money he makes and what is expected of whom is to become his "trophy wife." All I hear is how I need not to act like "white trash" (wanting tattoos and all). Not to hang out with the "skanks" a.k.a my best friends (that's what he calls them), delete my Facebook, keep my figure in perfect condition, be a classy gal, ditch my cell and play along with his wishes.
I struggle with trying to figure out how to go about leaving him. But he tells me he already has the engagement ring and in my heart I feel like an asshole. But if I don't get out soon, my life will be hell.
For so long I have been so strong, keeping it all in and playing the perfect part, while my soul shattered again in vain. I have grown so tired of being expected to change into a man's fairy-tale princess full of bullshit, loyalty/slavery. No more prim and proper, it is about time I get vicious, serpentine and think about my own needs, not all of his. He never tries to do anything for me.
My smile is void with the knowledge that I am going sixty-miles an hour down a dead end street of unhappy uneasiness. It is awful how I describe him when he is my fiancé and many of you are probably saying, "just leave him" and that's what I'm thinking of doing. His abuse will only worsen if I open the marriage curtain. He is not the same man he used to be.
Have you ever been a similar situation, where you struggled between doing what you knew was right and what you felt obligated to? How did you overcome feeling trapped?
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Comments (38)
you have to be strong and do what's right for yourself. there is no happy ending to this story--people are going to be hurt, and shit is going to hit the fan. but still, the best thing to do is cut your losses now and end things. you shouldn't have stayed this long with someone who's so controlling, and you certainly shouldn't continue to do so. the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.
the good news is that you're already on the right track by acknowledging that there's a problem, and furthermore, 8 months isn't really that long of a time. you'll get over this soon and find someone with whom you're happy afterward.
good luck. i believe in you :)
by the way, if anyone says anything about this being your fault for not trying hard enough or ANYTHING to that effect, do yourself a favor and ignore such remarks.
Oh gosh, get out while you still can!!!!!
omg, what exactly are you questioning here? do you really need all of us readers to tell you that you need to stand up for yourself and break off this engagement? don't be a doormat and agree to marry him because you feel obligated to. if it's this bad eight months into the relationship, can you imagine what it will be like married to this guy five years down the line?
it will suck at first, but time truly will heal it. stand strong. you can do it.
Leave now. Before it gets any worse and before he starts making wedding plans and everything. Seriously, just run. He sounds dangerously controlling and you need to run. It won't get any better, I promise you.
Obviously, you've already reached your decision, you just don't like the answer.
Keep in mind you are not a jerk for not wanting to be the subject of a callous, controlling, selfish, narcissist. I think it's possible that he hasn't changed, you've just discovered his real self as you became more invested in the relationship.
Whether he is a jerk or not for trying to change you to fulfill his unrealistic expectations (btw he totally is) is irrelevant to a very important element:
He does not and will not make you happy, and you have a right to be happy.
Thinking about your own needs is not vicious nor improper. If you don't look out for yourself, who will?
It's OK to put yourself first and be what some people consider 'selfish' (self-interest and selfishness aren't the same) and I only suggest this to people who are overly accommodating, polite, and sensitive to other people's feelings at the (sometimes enormous) cost to their happiness.
This advice has greatly improved my life in all aspects, and currently helping me change careers much to the chagrin of my family.
No, I have not been in such a position.
You are right, I am one of those who believe this does not sound like a good idea to marry him based on your description of him. He does not sound like he respects you, and you, my dear, deserve to be treated with respect. However, I cannot tell you what to do, or how to feel, you must choose what you believe is right for you and I do hope you make the best decision for yourself.
You know what he expects out of you, WHAT ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF HIM? A relationship is a two-way street, it goes both ways. Best wishes.
I stayed in a relationship for quite a while with a guy who was pretty abusive. In the end he locked me in a basement for a week and raped me daily. I realized I had let his freak show go on to far and I needed out before my life depended on it. You need to get out! I know it's not as easy as just leaving but when you do find that perfect moment take that chance don't hesitate.
I told my guy that I'm not ready for kids yet. that caused him to have a big urge to get me pregnant and found just the thought of impregnating me a big sexual turn on. he doesn't force anything. I'm flattered that he wants me to be the mother of his child whereas other guys tried to avoid it. he also wants to marry me. basically nearly everything that I expressed that I'm not that into, he rebels and wants. I told him that I like my independence and I have my own money but that made him really want to have a joint account and pool "our" money together. it shows that he trusts me but I don't really want to pool it. he earned his money and I earned mine. I don't mind the other part where he wants to cook and pamper me
that will fulfill my sexy half naked chef fantasy slave:D
anyway if you're not happy and he's not who you fell in love with, then it isn't ideal to stay.
"For so long I have been so strong, keeping it all in and playing the perfect part, while my soul shattered again in vain"
I've been in a relationship with someone for three years who I tried to break up with at least once a month since the 3rd month of our relationship. He would not let me go, showed up at my doorstep, told me he would kill himself blah blah, and it was my WEAKNESS and sense of wanting to please others that I went back to him each month even though my heart wasn't in it. Real strength is not sticking through an abusive relationship, it's breaking out of it. Empower yourself! I know several people who fit your type of personality and share your same interests and wouldn't treat you sub-human. You are your fiance's pet right now, and he's grooming you, changing you, sucking your personality, soul, and life out of you. But you already know this.
Unless you live together just break it off now.
Who cares if he's already bought the ring? He's verbally and emotionally abusive to you. Get out nao.
@miss_lyrical@xanga - What she said.
Please get out! It only gets worse.
I'm shocked that no one pointed this out...you dated brothers. Sorry, but you brought it upon yourself. I don't feel pity for people who mess with family members or close friends. That's drawing the line.
Of course he's going to force you to talk to his brother, he is his family.
You know what you should do so do it.
I married a man I had been with for 6.5 years. I couldn't shake the cold feet before the wedding, but I married him anyway. Things ended very badly for us and it was only complicated by the fact that we are married. Divorce lawyers are expensive. Him controlling you and emotionally abusing you will only escalate once you marry him.
DON'T DO IT!
I'm confused...you said that you had a rough break up with his brother who you were with for one year and three months...did you think things would actually get better by dating his brother? If I was his bro I would have disowned him. It's one thing if two non-blood related friends go after the same girl, it's another when it's two blood brothers.
it only gets harder to leave as time goes on, not easier.
stop making excuses and get out of this situation (that is ALREADY making you miserable) before it makes you even MORE miserable! :(
You obviously know what to do. You're definitely not an asshole: he is. He can't think it's okay to treat you like that, and he can't do anything to you if you break it off. Fear of making him angry is one of the worst reasons possible for not breaking off an engagement. You can't marry somebody out of fear; that's insane. Your breaking it off with him will be the lesson he needs really badly before he is ready to get married to anyone. Take courage and do what you know is right for you both.
Don't marry him. Just don't.
Nope I've never been in a similar situation. I don't leave relationships easily, but when I do want out I GET OUT. I have no qualms about leaving a guy if I truly feel that he is not the one for me. This is your life and you hold the key to your future. To stay with him when you're not all in it, and you say he doesn't treat you right, is like an insult to him. No one wants a partner out of pity. Just do what's best for you and I'm sure you'll be stronger for it. And no you're not an asshole b/c he bought you a ring and you're rejecting it. If someone is abusive...even if they give you 1 million dollars it still will not be worth it.
For the record, you definitely shouldn't feel obligated to marry this man. I guess the closest that I've come to your situation is when my ex was going through several traumatic life events (death of a close friend, death of a family member, father falling into mental illness) that were throwing him deeper into the throws of a pre-existing alcohol and drug addiction. I had been extremely unhappy for a long time but felt extremely guilty at the thought of leaving him when he was going through all of these problems and felt obligated to stay. I finally realized that I wasn't doing him any favors by essentially lying to him and staying with him when I didn't want to be there, so I left. It was hard, but you can't save other people and it's not your job to protect them from pain.
In this case, you really have to do what's right for you or neither of you will ever be happy.
he's the asshole. not you. someone should teach him that he has to treat women like people, not things. you know you have to leave him, so do it. it seems like you are afraid of something (not just of being an asshole). what are you afraid of?
he is manipulative and controlling, and that probably has something to do with your slight feelings of guilt about leaving him. i don't know him - but if i were you, i would not break up with him while the two of you were completely alone. even if you just had a friend outside waiting in a car, or you break up in a public place with your own ride or something.
get out now! It may be tough now, but you will thank yourself for it later. Despite whatever feelings you may have for him, this guy is not respecting you and borderline abusive, if not abusive.
Speaking from personal experience..... GTFO!
I was dumb enough to stay with a guy like this for 6 Years, AND have his kid. I was Always getting verbally abused, he would make me feel like Everything was My fault, he ultimatumed me into signing custody papers when I came back to him one time, he alienated me from my own family and friends, all kinds of shit. In the end, it's only caused me a lot emotional/mental problems. Now, I'm not saying I'm crazy or anything, but he just made me feel so bad about things, that I'm more depressed than I used to be, have more self confidence issues, I'm Terrified of other men, and getting into another relationship especially. And marriage? LOL, no thanks. This guy ruined who I used to be. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces, and get past it, but I'll tell ya, it's Not easy. (And my situation is a bit more complex than I've mentioned...) I just may have to start going to therapy to help me out.
So please.... save yourself some pain. You haven't been in this relationship as long. TRUST ME, it only gets worse. I thought things were gonna be ok, and he'd change. Wrong answer.... don't buy into their shit when they say they'll change, or get help, or whatnot. It's just another controlling mechanism to make you stay. I heard that shit a bunch, and shit just ended up worse.
Hope all goes well.