Recently my boyfriend, of just 8 months, asked me to marry him. Though I said yes, I do not think I am ready to be in such a serious commitment with someone so controlling, so quick and with so much of an age difference.
He's so excited and I don't want to piss on his parade. But inside, it hurts more than I show when he calls me fat, tells me what to do and how to do it. He even forces me speak to his brother, whom I was once in a one year and three month relationship with, that did not end too well.
Sometimes I don't feel as if I even love him after he made his comments about his exes extremities. He brags about his body, how much money he makes and what is expected of whom is to become his "trophy wife." All I hear is how I need not to act like "white trash" (wanting tattoos and all). Not to hang out with the "skanks" a.k.a my best friends (that's what he calls them), delete my Facebook, keep my figure in perfect condition, be a classy gal, ditch my cell and play along with his wishes.
I struggle with trying to figure out how to go about leaving him. But he tells me he already has the engagement ring and in my heart I feel like an asshole. But if I don't get out soon, my life will be hell.
For so long I have been so strong, keeping it all in and playing the perfect part, while my soul shattered again in vain. I have grown so tired of being expected to change into a man's fairy-tale princess full of bullshit, loyalty/slavery. No more prim and proper, it is about time I get vicious, serpentine and think about my own needs, not all of his. He never tries to do anything for me.
My smile is void with the knowledge that I am going sixty-miles an hour down a dead end street of unhappy uneasiness. It is awful how I describe him when he is my fiancé and many of you are probably saying, "just leave him" and that's what I'm thinking of doing. His abuse will only worsen if I open the marriage curtain. He is not the same man he used to be.
Have you ever been a similar situation, where you struggled between doing what you knew was right and what you felt obligated to? How did you overcome feeling trapped?