Tuesday, 11 September 2012
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Beggars Can't be Choosers
This post was submitted anonymously.
The ditching friends post and the comments in that post got me thinking... all I ever see some people on here do is complain about not being able to date anyone. Have they ever thought that after failing so many times it's not the people they are with but themselves and some self traits they need to work on? No, it's always the "significant other" or "person of interest" that's the problem, never the self.Perhaps they have high standards and are searching for something that is too out of reach. If you're having problems finding and keeping people -- try lowering your standards.
After all, beggars can't be choosers and they can't have high expectations. You could obviously, but don't be too disappointed when you're with nothing.
Even giving an open relationship a shot is still keeping someone around for a long time. If you can't even find anyone at all for an open relationship let alone an official relationship, then that might be a problem with yourself not who you date. I always see these posts about other people being the problem; is anyone willing to admit that they have some self issues they need to work on?
Back in the day I had some major self-issues. When I grew up, I became more social with people and am easier to talk to now. You couldn't get a word out of me a few years back. Now, I can strike up a conversation and keep it going for hours sometimes.
Have you noticed this as well? Do you have issues you're not confronting?
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Comments (28)
You should never settle for less than what you want. The real problem is that people are too impatient when it comes to love. You don't find love, love finds you.
^ What she said.
I believe choosers are beggars who are chosen by other beggars more often than they themselves would choose to be chosen. My biggest issue is that I choose to not choose while at the same time choosing to not be chosen.
'If you don't need me, I don't want you.'
That sort of thing.
"You could obviously, but don't be too disappointed when you're with nothing."
Though I realize I'm not losing anything I had to begin with by doing either or both, I'll still be too disappointed when I'm with nothing.
I told my current guy all of my so called issues, but he somehow turned them all into non-issues, because he's overwhemingly understanding and willing to be with me regardless or he's seen me naked and doesn't care
or both. I did one of those I dream of jeannie dances and he's been in a hypnotic trance ever since
I unbuckle macho men to their knees and get them to worship me
makes me think of the concept of being attracted to and/or going for the wrong people...
@NightscapeFamiliar@xanga - Same, then again...choosing the wrong people is sort of a self problem.
Sorta like how girls fall for guys they know are bad for them but they still do anyway and expect different results.
I have a friend who has 16 ex gfs and hasn't been single for more than 2 months since he was 16...he's now 26. THAT is a case of needing to work on yourself lol
comments about people complaining? i could've SWORN the entire comments section was just you arguing with that other anonymous chick.
@isitreal_no@xanga - you ever get a chance to find that vodka at the liquor store? i happened to buy some for this past weekend, haha.
Before you complain about how things are so wrong with the dating scene, remember one piece of wisdom that my buddy always tells me:
"Do you know what all your dysfunctional relationships have in common? You."
Thank god I'm done with the dating scene.
I agree with the importance of dealing with self-issues, but I could not disagree more with what you've said about lowering one's standards. I believe that to do so is a sign of low self-esteem and only exacerbates those self-issues. I absolutely refuse to settle for anything less than what I want, and I'm proud to say it. My mother was rejected by the man she really wanted, so she settled for my dad. Their marriage was a disaster, and they eventually ended up divorced. I'm sorry, but I don't want that for myself.
I would rather wait until I find somebody I can really be happy with than settle for something below my preferences. It's not worth it. We have preferences for a reason. I don't think I'm too selfish for wanting to be happy.
Bottom line:
YOU'RE WRONG@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - haha how did it taste? I found out that we do have it here somewhere, my friend works in a liquor store that sells it, but I haven't bought it yet! I'm going on holidays so wanna get duty free on my way back in instead! :)
i think you are correct in that one needs to look at oneself. in another however nobody is or should feel like a beggar. it can take time but once we believe in ourselves while maintaining a healthy dose of self-scrutiny we become more attractive to others.
Sometimes what people ultimately want may not be all that it's cracked up to be. Has anyone ever seen the movie 13 going on 30? I won't spoil it, but yeah, pretty much explains it all.
It might be settling in the beginning of less than what you're asking for, but could turn real if people give it time.
Good luck getting people to spill when you word your posts and questions like that lol.
@isitreal_no@xanga - see, i told you you'd find it! :) it actually wasn't my first time getting it this weekend--i've been doing it since my friend discovered it early last summer. (keep in mind your seasons are backward--i'm talking about a little over a year ago.) it's pretty popular amongst my girl friends (who have customarily comprised the majority of my friends) so i buy it somewhat frequently. to answer your question though, i think something has happened in the last few months...flavored liquors have *not* been sitting well with me for some reason :( that's mostly a problem because i pride myself on being able to take shots of any liquor with no chaser.
but what the hell...taking a vacation without me?? how offensive. i'm never giving you liquor recommendations again. are you at least going somewhere fun?
@nonurbusinessyo@xanga - 50%, man. not that i wish it upon you, but i mean...you never know.
@mantiXcore@xanga - "...but I could not disagree more with what you've said about lowering one's standards. I believe that to do so is a sign of low self-esteem and only exacerbates those self-issues."
To be oneself without relying on rules is a sign of the highest self-esteem one can possess:
None at all.
Being concerned with the "level" of one's own self-esteem is, in itself, tied to how one feels about how others feel about theirs.
"I would rather wait until I find somebody I can really be happy with than settle for something..."
Your biggest mistake is believing you deserve something from somebody and assigning a(n unnamed/unknown) person a value... essentially equating an entire human life to your transient happiness, and then continuing on to say their life isn't enough for you...
"I don't think I'm too selfish for wanting to be happy."
Believe it or not, some people are called selfish for wanting to make someone happy who claims they want to be happy, and oftentimes they don't even get what they want because people are seeking "happiness" while having no clue who they're actually looking for.
How can you possibly know what you want if you don't even know who you want it from?
This is why I'm glad guys tend to marry up.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - haha yes you were right, good job lol Oh that's not long ago, so it's pretty new then. Maybe it will start to be stocked at a few more places over here. Liquor in general has not been sitting well with me lately! But I can't give it up! haha I'm so sorry I didn't include you in my vacation plans ;) I'm going to Taiwan for about a week and a half, and China for four days. Tomorrow! yay I'm so excited!!!
One of my friends once told me that people should be looking for what they need, rather than what they want. In that sense, I think it's okay to lower your standards (or more properly worded, lowering your expectations**) to make what you want and what you need somewhat equivalent.
It's sort of like a job. Like kids want to be the darndest things when they're young, like a firefighter or a train conductor and those are cool 'cause they give those kids what they want, action, travel, whatever. But as you grow up, you begin to realize that what you want doesn't give you what you need (or what most people need, anyway), and they begin seeking more lucrative or stable or realistic professions, pharmacist, technician, programmer, etc. It's not what they wanted, but it's what they need to make at least a decent living.
You can view dating like that. Some people are blinded by what they want, they want excitement, sex, the thrill, whatever, but that won't sustain your life and probably won't give you a family that's sustainable. Those who know what they need and can equate their wants and needs find stable and promising relationships. Hell, if you can find both excitement and stability, kudos to you, because not many people can.
**Realistically, not everyone finds their soul mate, so more or less, a great percent of the human population is technically "settling". See http://what-if.xkcd.com/9/ for a mathematical model that suggests that finding your soul mate is statistically extremely unlikely.I don't believe in settling. I'm happy as a single person and would rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for someone that I don't want.
Also, you can't make yourself be attracted to somebody even if you logically know that they're the right type of person for you. Most people don't want to be with a person that they don't have that special spark with, regardless of how good they might be.
@isitreal_no@xanga - hey man. 1 year is a hella long time for someone who's only been drinking for 2 years :D don't forget to buy me a gift on your trip! my friend bought me a fancy calligraphy brush the last time she went to taiwan, but not the size i wanted. i was looking for something more like in this video (2:55 through 3:25) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icSwt4hUPTs
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - I want to fuck chicks retarded. does that count?
I think standards simply need to be realistic. You don't have to lower them, but you dont need to have them so high that no human being could fall into your categories. However, I think everyone could definitely work on something about themselves. No one's perfect, and there's nothing wrong with trying to better oneself.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - The problem with "love finds you" is that too many people wait for it like it's supposed to be a fortunate accident. I think it's both ways. Like a saying I think fits here would be "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." So on top of being patient, take action/go out and meet people.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Okay, so I should have said "somebody" instead of "something". You don't have to get so worked up just because maybe I could have worded that comment better. I still say I won't settle for somebody who can't make me happy. That's not selfish.