Friday, 07 September 2012
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10 Things My Dad Taught Me About Men & Relationships
Growing up, I've always gravitated more towards my dad than my mom. He's always been the stronger presence in my life; from childhood to adulthood. We talk about any and everything. He's always been the ear I could depend on. So when it came to the topic of guys, I wasn't surprised when he gave me his honest opinion on his species.Until this very day, I keep the advice of my dad in the back of my mind whenever I encounter a new guy. But there are 10 things that seem to resonate the most:
- Put yourself first. You are your number one priority.
- Never chase a man. If you're putting all the effort into him, he's more than likely putting his all into someone else.
- If he can't respect his mother, don't expect him to respect you.
- Actions have more promise than words. Allow him to SHOW you he's worth your time.
- Never try to mold a man into what you want him to be. That's the quickest way to send him in the opposite direction.
- Love is an emotion that carries a heavy load on the heart. But don't lose yourself when you fall.
- Be patient. Things come when they should, not when you want them to.
- Chivalry will never be dead. Men that open doors and stand on the outside of you on the sidewalk, still exist.
- Always think with your head and feel with your heart. They both have valid reasoning.
- Never allow anyone to tell you good men don't exist. You have a father.
As a grown woman, these things make much more sense now. While at 14-years-old, I couldn't quite grasp the importance of it all.
Do you have advice that your parent(s) have given you about dating that you still carry with you to this day? Has it been beneficial?
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- From: ReginaYS
- Name: ReginaYS
- Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States
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Comments (27)
2. if we all had that attitude, nobody would ever get anywhere. maybe both parties should put in effort. if a girl hasn't demonstrated any initiative to me by the end of the second date, she's done. i think what your father meant to say was more along the lines of what i said, though.
3. this has been a subject of controversy on d-ish before. some people here have claimed to have bad people as parents, and i will take their word for it. what do you do in that case?
4. so strongly agree. this was my favorite one.
7. this statement is too vague and has no context, but what comes to mind is that nothing in life is going to fall into your lap. you have to invest time and effort to reap rewards in life.
8. another subject of controversy. i don't believe in treating someone differently because of the parts between her legs. i once came across a girl on okc who said she was super feminist and anti-chivalry. i messaged her saying we should get married.
10. uh, and me, duh.
i more or less agree with the other points. by the way, i thought of a really cool topic you should write about: let's find out what time of day everyone here likes to get groovy. i saw a poll recently and am kind of curious if d-ish readers are on the same page as the population surveyed in said poll.
i'd also be interested in a hot face vs hot body post. i promise i won't take credit for either one.
I agree with @TheNotoriousGOD@xanga about #2. Both people need to put in the effort. If one person isn't putting in any effort, there's a very big chance they aren't interested.
I don't even like it if some guy is making all the moves on me when I haven't even indicated that his attention would be welcome. I'm not the sort of woman who will scream rape or sexual harassment just because someone looked at me funny, but I can assure you, if a guy makes it too obvious he's interested in me before I've had time to decide if I like him or not, that will permanently kill any attraction that may have developed if he'd not been so aggressive.
9. Your heart cannot "feel". If you are feel that your heart is doing anything other than pumping blood then you should probably go see a cardiologist.
_________
3. I think this applies both ways. My ex had major father issues which she whole hearted admitted to, and it showed in how she often unnecessarily acted around me. Unfortunately people with those sorts of issues, regardless of awareness will never be able to change the behavioral consequences unless they get some help.
8. I find often people have this weird romantic view of what chivalry is (I guess that is what popular culture does), as if it only applies from a men to women. It applies from everyone to everyone. It is common decency.
Oh and walking on the street side of a woman... I can see the practicality of that if you are walking down a single long wet street where someone might get splashed, but if as a guy you insist on always being on the street side as you make your way around town you are going to look like a spaz.
1) I agree with this one and live by it. However, for women it should come with the side note: "Don't get married." If that's how you feel; that you're the number 1 priority... Then never get married. I know I'm not going to get married in large part because I live by this rule. Marriage is for people who sacrifice and put other peoples needs ahead of their own. The reason why divorce is so high and women initiate 70% of these divorces is because they're getting two sets of contradictory advice: 1) Get married and 2) Put yourself and your own needs as top priority. That's a recipe for disaster.
2) Women who don't put effort into initiating anything with me lose my interest immediately. Stop being fucking lazy and show that you like the dude. Don't just say it; and don't just think putting on makeup and a nice outfit should make it OBVIOUS to him that you like him. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
3) I treat my girlfriend better than I treat my mom. So for me... This wasn't true at all. Sometimes people have a good reason to not respect their moms. Maybe their moms were crackheads or abusive bitches. I'm sure plenty of women are better than this and will be treated with more respect because of it by these men with shitty mothers.
4) Just as long as she is also showing me she's worth my time. Looking good and having a vagina doesn't automatically make you worth my time. Too many women think that's all it takes.
5) True. So therefore women should know WTF they want before getting into a relationship.
8) Chivalry is dead to me, and should be dead to every dude. Guys have to stop begging for pussy and start showing themselves some more respect.
9) Use your head more. The heart is irrational and fucking dumb the vast majority of the time. Don't become a slave to your emotions.
I don't think #2 could/should be taken as 'make no effort.' It's more of a 'don't get hung up.' Which, while sound advice, is a lot easier said than done. I think the real lesson here goes back to #1: focus on you, don't make your life entirely about someone else.
Sometimes you do get hung up on someone. Because he's seemingly perfect in all the ways that matter to you. He might be, but he won't give you a chance; even after you've told him how you feel, explicitly. I think the advice in #2 is trying to steer you away from actions like: sitting at home waiting for him to get online or call; stalking his facebook; stalking places where he lives/works/hangs out looking for a chance meeting, etc. Instead, work hard on school and related career-building activities. Hang out with friends. Volunteer. Meet new people. Work out. Travel (or have other adventures). Stay out in the world and work on yourself--not on who he wants you to be, but who you want to be! (We all have that perfect 'self' we strive toward, which constantly changes, so there's lots to work on!)
My last point: these are things you should do *anyway* even if Arbitrary McGuy is interested! Your relationship should never take over these other important things in your life. A good Arb should join and support you in these endeavors. :)
My dad's given me two pieces of life advice that I can remember.
1. Never hold hands with a guy with your hand in the front/above, because doing so gives the hand underneath/behind leverage to easily trap you and drag you away down a dark alley.
2. Clap your hands when you fart in public so people don't notice the noise.
1. Yes, absolutely
2. Never chase a man too much that you lose yourself, and contradict #1. A little chase from each side is healthy and fun.
3. Not all mothers are created equally.
4. The importance of actions and words is equal. You should mean what you say, as well as do what you say.
5. Yes
6. Yes
7. Depends on the situation and people involve. Not wanting to wait forever is not necessarily a sign of impatience on your part, it could mean that the other party is unsure of what he/she wants (e.g. marriage, kids, etc)
8. Chivalry should be dead. Men who ascribe to such standards are (sub)consciously sexist and women who want their men to be chilvarous is delusionally holding a double standard. However, opening doors for someone is a common courtesy that everyone should do.
9. I think you mean logic vs gut instinct. Your "head" as well as "heart" can both get cloudy and messy.
10. Not all father are created equally.
Number 5 is legit. The only thing men change is the women who try to change them.
@accumulations@xanga - best advice i ever heard, honestly.
This is the truth. I can never be down about men because I'll always have my daddy :,)
And my awesome brothers, can't forget them. They're always there to protect their sis!
I'm glad you have such an awesome father.
Your dads pretty rad. My dad never gives me man advice... ever. Just tells me to be wary of certain men I've dated that had hurt me in the past, like when I was considering dating my first love who hurt me.
Oh! Nowadays he has given me advice for my current relationship. Said if my boyfriend loved me, he'd marry me first before my moving in. lol. Sooo that wasn't helpful.Like a few have stated #3 can easily be false. My boyfriend's mother cheated on his father, went out partying with 20 yr olds (she was 45), was an alcoholic, and left the family for some low-life, while also collecting money settlement from his Dad. She also had the nerve to recently ask for his father back because her loser boyfriend won't take care of her and she doesn't want to be alone in old age. Hell I don't respect her either.
Also I loved chasing boys, it's fun :). I was aggressive as shit in courting my guy and it worked out.I like 9 and 10 a lot. My dad is such a sweetheart
It's funny how everyone's raining on #3.... I think this one is quite legit.I'm not saying that the point is trying to state all monters are flawless-- yeah, okay so if your So's parent is a cheater, a drunk and pisses away their money at casssinos 6/7 times a week there a very legitimate reason not to want to take them as a role model, But the concept of respect when it comes to parents is to acknowledge that there is this person in your life who is attached to you by some genitic bond. And even if youd on't live with them, or even speak to them, how you treat someone in your family like that especially in the time when they are at the lowest point of humanity -- is a good indication of how they will treat you when you are going through troubles in life.
In a way, having terrible parents to love is the BEST indication of how much forgiveness and patience one has in their hearts.
One thing my dad told my mom when she was dangerously close to feuding with her emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic mother:
"Don't love her because she's perfect. respect her because she's your mother and she gave birth to you and now you're an adult. if you can't be there for her when she needs support, then who will be?"
. My mom gave me similar advice when I was little and it still struck me:"When your dad first introduced me to his mother, the first thing I noticed was that he held her hand when she was stepping down from the car. Right then I knew that he was a good man to marry."
The only point I don't like as advice is number 8. I don't think that chivalry is dead, ont he contray, I've seen it all over--- I just don't like it. I hate the kind of guys who do it all-- the doors, the cars, the sidewalks... the stupid bills. I am not a princess and I don't want guys thinking or treating me like one. Now I'm not saying I don't appreciate the average amount of common courtesy, I want ot be treated like a decent human being-- but I really hate the idea of being treated better simply because I have squishy lumps on my chest. My cousin is the type who is hyper Chivalrous and it's so awkward when he tripps over himself or zig zags back and forth ever time we cross the road or turn a corner. Don't do it... be sensible.
As for my favorite peice of advice on this list: I chose 5.
One of the oldest dating advice my mom has ever told me, was this"True love is like fine wine: it only gets better with age."
... ironically, my parents don't drink.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - lol I need to get on these suggestions for posts you've been throwing at me. I haven't forgotten about your other one either. And #2 says "if you're putting in ALL the effort" not not at all. Some effort is definitely needed to show some sort of interests. But I get what you're saying.
I don't have a papa. pinocchio stole my papa
Your dad sounds amazing :)
Wish we all had dad's who care enough to even give advice
i forgot to mention: my parents' advice to me (well, more like explicit direction) is to not do anything with girls until i'm married. i'm pretty sure that includes no kissing, though i've never asked.
@reesa14@xanga - hey man. some of us like to party with women in their 40s. some of them have aged like a fine scotch.
also, my best friend in high school said his girlfriend popped her cherry when jacking off with her electric toothbrush, lol. i forgot about that story--thanks for the reminder, hahaha.
@ReginaYS - oh wow i gave another one too? yeah dude, you better get on top of your shit :p
@nepenthium@xanga - in response to your 8: we should like, totally get married.
only problem is how to remember all that when you're falling.
maybe i'll get better with age.
and idc, i like chivalry
I really like this post! I can totally relate, though I'm close to both my mom and dad. Thanks for sharing!
Also, @TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Those post ideas sound very cool actually; I thought of them myself and wondered why no one has yet written anything on either of those topics. I only started frequenting Datingish a few months ago though; maybe someone already covered it way back when. Anyway, why not write them yourself!? You're a fairly regular and occasionally controversial commenter, so I think it'd be interesting to see your POV in a post instead of a comment for once. Just an idea!
Great Post!!!
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - Totally agree with you about #1. If a person isn't willing to put the other person's needs before their own, marriage shouldn't ever be something they consider. Marriage works when two people each put the other first. Something else is a massive recipe for disaster.
@books8137@xanga - occasionally?? i must be getting complacent.
i've thought about writing a post or two recently, especially since i've been getting a lot of messages over the last 6 months or so about some of my life philosophies...but it's pretty time-consuming to write something that i consider "publishable". plus, i think i write more interesting things if it's in response to someone looking for advice. that's not to say i'm entirely opposed to the idea, so we'll see what happens :)
to be honest, i'm ultimately more interested in writing about math though, haha.
I never had this discussion with my dad but what I have learned from observation of my parent's marriage is not to let either party forget the basic skills of life like grocery shopping, laundry, and the such. My parents have a good marriage and it makes sense that my mom does these things as she is a housewife but if something happened to my mom, I don't know what'd my dad do.