This past month, I met with two people I hadn't seen in several years. This doesn't happen to me often, so I was struck by how much they had changed...and by extension, how different I must look to them.
One of these people happened to be the guy I was completely in love with throughout high school, although I hadn't seen him since I was 16. As I thought of our last cringe-worthy exchange, I wondered about all the things that I would have done differently. So without further ado, this is my list of 10 relationship-related things I wish I'd known 10 years ago.
1. You only get one first kiss. Don't waste it.
Your pride is not worth losing your happiness over, so say what you feel.
3. Trying not to hurt somebody often results in hurting them more.
4. Pay attention to people's actions, not their words.
5. As painful as a broken heart may be, to have loved that deeply is a beautiful thing.
6. Love doesn't conquer all, but that isn't always a bad thing.
7. Talk out any money issues the minute they come up. Don't assume that they'll work out on their own.
8. Listen to others' advice, but make absolutely sure that you act for your own reasons.
9. Sometimes, the best way to love someone - including yourself - is to set them free.
10. Don't make promises you can't keep.
What are 10 things you wish you'd known 10 years ago?
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I'm rather cavalier about my first kiss, but it was a good moment I guess. I stole it from a girl I liked - we both made odd glances at each other for over three years. When I walked her home one day, I stole a kiss when I said good bye and walked away all shy and bashful - like nothing was askew. She called me back, told me if that's how I really wanted it to go. We kissed then and I still think it was a beautiful - the kiss that is, that girl broke my heart nine months later.
The one thing that I wish I understood better was how to break up. Some of us can probably look back on a previous relationship and feel ashamed of ourselves for our conduct. Also, it's probably not something you can learn through pedagogical guidance, but I wish I knew how to get closure from a relationship too.
I wish I'd known how brilliant hair straightners are, and how much fun sparkling wine is. Being 16 was lame.
Beautifully said.
I love this. So many important things to learn in life.
I agree with all of these except 1) and 10). First kisses are kind of overrated. Generally they're awkward, a bit clumsy and sometimes downright embarrassing. I think the most important kisses are the ones that mean something - after you've agreed to date, or something like that. For 10) I think you can never predict the future. I made a lot of promises when I was younger that I think "what the fuck was I thinking" about, now. People change and situations change. Not keeping your promises isn't always a bad thing.
sometimes, the best way to love yourself, is to set yourself free from him/her.
#3....::sigh::
I'm surprise most of these weren't obvious or intuitive to you. But I guess we live and learn.
One thing I've learned is that love is inherently selfish and you can mainly attract people simply by making them feel good about themselves. But this is true in any kind of relationship.
"Sometimes, the best way to love someone - including yourself - is to set them free."
The best way to love someone can't possibly involve assuming you're their keeper in the first place. I know I just said this recently, but damn it is so true: Good excuses make great confessions.
#3 contradicts #9
I suggest:
"Don't assume you know what is best for anyone but yourself unless you are willing to do whatever it takes to find out for certain and you're willing to spend however long it takes to do it once you have."
I guess what I'm saying is #9 sounds a lot more like damage mitigation than proactive improvement. I'm not totally against "setting someone free", but before you assume the responsibility of doing what is best for either of you, try stepping inside the cage with them first. Otherwise how can you ever know if that was all they really wanted?
great post.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - in re: to #9, I guess it really depends on what's been done before hand to try and ameliorate the situation before finally cutting ties. Sometimes it's best to walk away. But you're right, at least try to put yourself in the other's shoes and try to understand before making rash decisions.
Otherwise, it's a good, general list of things I wish I knew 10 years ago. I think it makes more sense to be aware of it now as relationships tend to get more serious. When youre 16 and learning, mistakes are hard to avoid.
There's no excuse for not being honest.
I'm not crazy about #5. No one is worth the pain of a break up- at any age. In theory that quote works, not in reality.
Number 4... I wish I had followed that.
i agree with all of them except first kisses, why are they special, you have many loves in high schoool. as for my first kiss yes it was with my boyfriend who i am madly in love with. and im only saying this hypotheticaly uf we were to break up and i find another love that first kiss would be the same.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - i agree with the kissing thing--everyone acts like it's all romantic, but life is not like a movie. (plus, this is a non-issue for girls, since they're not the ones to initiate it anyway.) i disagree about promises though...my word is very, very important to me, and unless explicitly released from a promise, i will go out of my way to make it happen. this is mostly because i fucking hate flaky people and refuse to be a hypocrite.
p.s. i saw a news article in the telegraph that made me think of you--i tried to shoot you a message but you blocked them. leave me a note if you want :)
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - I don't doubt that it can be clumsy for some people but it always leaves me wondering when people say that because I know mine was exactly as people describe it "in the movies" and the like. The chemistry, butterflies, sweaty palms and nervousness was totally there and it was nothing short of perfect for either of us.
On the other hand, I know for my current SO, I was his first kiss and he was so incredibly nervous about the whole deal that we both knew the kiss was coming but he his nerves were so shot, the kiss was the most embarrassing and sloppy thing I've ever come across. I still love the man to death but it's interesting how the two opposites work.
I think different people are more compatible in some ways, in the beginning. You don't necessarily need more time to feel each other out. That's just my theory though.
1 - People who can't do what you do, as well as you do, will condemn you for it
2 - Alcohol gets better and better
3 - Fuck jobs, they will come and go
4 - Fuck women, they will come and go
5 - Fuck money, it will come and go
6 - You die at the end of this
7 - You don't matter
8 - They'll never stop internet piracy
9 - Keep practising music
10 - You were right all along
In regards to number 1, I think my first kiss with a particular someone always has the potential to be "special" and previous kisses don't ever take away from it if it is somehow "magical" or however you want to describe that awesome feeling when you FINALLY kiss.