Sunday, 02 September 2012
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A Niched Perspective: When to Break the News
"When do I tell her I'm bi [sexual]?," was the thought that rolled through my mind while toiling over the mundane tasks at work today.The backdrop of the story [compressed version] goes something like this:
Over a month ago I met a girl in a grocery store and we began to talk. I thought she was cute, but was not confident such occurrences turned out positive - Boy meets girl in a grocery store-type of fairytale. At the same time I came across a guy in a club [I know; already a story that will end poorly] whom also caught my interest. The guy captured my attention more, but I still talked to the girl.
Shortly after, the guy and myself became monogamous and I stopped talking to the girl. It wasn't long before the guy was already seeking an "open relationship" and so I told him good-bye. As soon as I ran into the girl at the grocery store, not that I was running to find her or seek her, I asked her out [Something about being hurt from the previously relationship gives you confidence].
So we have talked and we have hung out. We are trying to set up another occasion where we can hang out again.More historical background:
-relationship with a girl: This was around the time I was questioning my sexuality and I was dating her for over a year. When I told her my doubts she was practically pushing me out of the relationship for me to have a man-fling, just to get it out of my system. Break-up - Different reasons.
-relationship with a girl: I told her my orientation in the early stages of dating and she seemed to dismiss it and put it out of her head. Well one super gay move and it all came crashing back. Intensely emotional fight - break-up.
-relationship with a girl: She knew before we started dating [I knew her through friends], but during our entire relationship, she seemed on edge about me associating with girls and specifically gay guys. Short leash. Break-up - Different personalities.
-relationship with a guy: I told him right away and he didn't mind at all. He's the one also in the story above. Break-up - He wanted to see other people AND me [douche-bag]!
I also know that with my orientation, if I continue to go from relationship to relationship, I have to break it to EVERY new person I am dating. This is where I feel like bisexuals have it the hardest. If you are homosexual or heterosexual, you never have to explain your orientation to the person you are dating. You also never have to expect a reaction to the discovery of your orientation.
I am a masculine bisexual. Girls and guys cannot identify whether I like men or not. Well I had one girl friend that was half right, which is besides the point.If I am talking to a girl, they think I'm straight. If I am talking to a guy, they think I'm gay. [Tons of logic here.]
In addition, I have encountered most ladies to not prefer bisexuality for:
-fear of new competition; not only do they have to compete with other women, but now they have to compete with men. That is overwhelming.
-fear of being left for a guy.
-flamboyance and less than masculine moments.
-gender role duties not fully being complied or switched all together; and ladies want to be the female in the relationship, not the man.SO, "When do I tell her I'm bi?"
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- From: mental_therapy@xanga
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Comments (16)
At the beginning. I'm bisexual and I told my now-boyfriend straight up before we started dating. That way, if he wasn't uncomfortable, I'd know, and he could leave without things getting too messy. It's not fair to leave your potential SO in the dark when it comes to something like that, because for some, it's a big deal-breaker, and it can be a big mental obstacle to overcome if it's not something you've dealt with before.
I would say, never. If you're with a girl right now than previously being with guys shouldn't matter, especially if you didn't contract anything from it. She might not take it well if you tell her, or she may. Your focus is on her. Treat a past relationship with a guy like it is any other past relationship with a previous person. If you don't have any STDs or anything from hooking up with a guy it shouldn't be their business. Whenever she brings up her exes you could tell her then, but I wouldn't tell if it were me. It's really none of their business, especially if I am focused on that one person at that point in time.
I don't think wanting an open relationship makes someone a douchebag... just someone with different desires concerning relationships.
Anyway.
I tend to wear my bisexuality on my sleeve. It's not an overtly aggressive move, but it does quite a bit to "scare off" anyone who won't be accepting of it. As far as I know, it's never actually been an issue, but that's also because I've never started dating someone only to "come out" to them later (my relationships both started from friendships, and I'm quite open to friends and casual acquaintances).
In your place... I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea to do the same. I've found it to be a decent weed-out process - tell the things that scare people off early, and the people who stick around are going to be the people who aren't going to reject you based on that criteria. (In my case, both of the people I'm dating are also bisexual/pansexual, so they understand what it's like to be something other than gay or straight.)
If it's not something that just comes up, I'd probably just mention it pretty early on. Like 3rd date or earlier. Nothing elaborate, more of a "just so you know... I do like you, and it doesn't mean I want an open relationship or anything, but I'm bisexual."
Most of the reasons you list for girls not wanting to date bisexual guys seem to come down to gender roles and insecurity. You might be able to mitigate these by looking for a confident lady who doesn't care as much about who's "supposed to" do what.
Your entire situation would be solved by one simple word: Confidence.
I wish you and your future S/O's the best.
If my significant other was bisexual, I wouldn't care, but apparently most people do. If I were bisexual, I would be upfront about it. It would weed out the people that think I can't be trusted because I'll hump anything that moves and it will also weed out the idiots with lesbian fetishes.
When you're talking about your exes, then it's appropriate I think. Or say it now if you just want to get it off your chest.
I don't think I'd mind if he was bisexual. some guys that I've been attracted to were gay and sometimes I wish they were bi. plus I have a curiosity to peg a guy. I haven't known many straight guys, who liked or talked about pegging. I talked about it before and I really want to be in the guy's shoes or body for one day or two, and actually be the penetrator, whether I be gay, straight or bi, I don't care. I have an urge to nail someone with my own real penis(damn that sounded like a psycho rapist. it wasn't me!), but I was born a girl. I like being a female, but sometimes I think I was born into the wrong body yet I don't want to be a transgender. I want to be born a real one. I have a tinkerbell complex or whatever where I want to be a giant and cause chaos like a dinosaur. I think that's partially why I'm attracted to tall guys...I think I secretly want to be them:D if only I had a voodoo spell to take over their body and soul
If past relationships or exes come up, I'd do it then, since it is the only time it is relevant since you obviously are looking for a monogamous relationship. You can always try to gauge, though, what she thinks of bisexual individuals in general in the meantime. If she has really negative opinions, then you can dump her before having to deal with her reacting negatively to you being bi.
I once dated a bi-guy but when we were 14 and I was his first kiss, but the issue there was he thought it was okay to have cyber sex with other guys and it wasn't cheating. He basically only told me he was bi to somehow excuse his behavior which makes no sense. But you don't seem like the type. Or 14.
That's a tough one. Some women really aren't bothered by the bisexual thing. My love interest lists himself as bisexual on Facebook. It doesn't phase me. The trick is finding a woman who doesn't care. Maybe if you mention it casually instead of making a big thing of it, it might go over better.
I'd be up front about it, even if only so as to not waste time with someone who isn't secure enough with themselves to be okay with it.
Sounds hard. I found out a guy I was interested when he was bi when him, a female friend of mine, and I were talking about blow jobs and deep throating. He mentioned something along the lines of "oh yeah, I'm really good at that". Totally enamored.
I think it should be a serious discussion you have with POTENTIAL significant others, be honest that you like them, but tell them about your sexual orientation BEFORE even a first date. That way they can come to terms with it before becoming involved. It's better and healthier IMO... good luck!
I think it's way harder for guys to confide that they are bi, as there's a stronger stigma attached to male homosexuality. If you're not in the position to be openly bi (and honestly, bi isn't as easy to be open about as homosexual), then I would suggest you tell potential s/o's before things start to get serious. I think it's only fair for them to know, and it's only fair to you to know what their reaction to that is. It's a part of you, and if they are unwilling to accept that, then you need to know right away.
My boyfriend has had a few drunken kisses with other guys, and it doesn't bother me at all. There are girls out there (hot, funny, sexy and intelligent girls) who will embrace the whole of you, including the bisexuality, with enthusiasm.
What's wrong with dating someone who's bi? They CHOSE you, right? I had a bi gf once, and it was no different than the straight women I've dated.
If you want to be open and honest with her I would tell her right away. I had the same issue come up with my boyfriend. I felt it was unnecessary to tell him about my bisexuality since I was dating him, but in the end I felt guilty hiding such a big secret and a big part of who I was from him. I told him nearly a year into our relationship and I was afraid he'd flip out, but he didn't luckily :)
I have a friend who was hesitant to date her current boyfriend because of his bisexuality. I personally don't understand it, but I guess I'm BIased haha :) I don't see why it should matter in terms of competition, just because you like both genders doesn't suddenly create "more competition". Who's competing?
I'd just say go for it and let her know and hopefully she'll just be chill and realize that its pretty much irrelevant to the relationship, but its who you are :)