Most relationships start off under the conditions of monogamy. There's only one person you want to spend time with, kiss, go out on dates with, sleep with; just one. Neither has any desire to complicate it with anything extra. Together you plan to build as time progresses and see where things head.
But, what if being devoted to one individual soon becomes an issue and the option of an open-relationship is thrown out there?
Having an open-relationship is something that could either assist or demolish a bond. It depends on the agreement of the couple. Many celebrities have had almost a fixation with it (
Jada & Will Smith,
Monique & Sidney Hicks,
Brad & Angelina Jolie and once,
Pink & Carey Hart). It's seen as no big deal. Just eliminate the topic of "cheating" and label it "open" and you're good to go! But at what point does it become detrimental and not beneficial? Believe it or not, like most things, an open-relationship has both its pros and cons.
Let's start with the top three pros: - It gives you the opportunity to live out your fantasies. What one doesn't do, the other one will.
- Allows you to keep your options open. If one doesn't work out, you'll always have something to fall back on.
- Brings the couple closer. When dealing with others, you tend to realize the value of what you have at home.
The top four cons: - You give up the right to claim sole priority. When sharing, you often have to deal with the demands.
- It can cause you to question your sexual capabilities. What am I not doing, why there is a need to go elsewhere?
- The risk of not practicing safe sex; bringing something other than themselves home.
- Emotionally, one may feel more than the other, drawing things further apart, rather than closer together.
I, personally, have never understood the point of an "open-relationship," when the option to remain single with no attachments, seems so much more palpable. But, if you're mature enough to deal with it, defining the cross lines, to each its own.
Have you ever been in an open-relationship? If you haven't, is it something you'd ever consider? Why or why not?
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Comments (81)
I've never been in an open relationship, and while I don't want to say that they wouldn't work for anyone, I don't think it's what I'd want for myself. I want to feel like I'm the only one my partner wants.
I've been in an open relationship for the past 4 1/2 years. And it has worked for me. Then again, being persistent has also worked for me when it wouldn't normally work for everyone else. The un-norms seem to work for me. While I did want more at one point, I'm glad it wasn't official. Although it was an open relationship for 4 1/2 years, I still stayed faithful to him, like you said, it's something to fall back on when I can't find someone else and he doesn't care that I see him that way since he doesn't want an official relationship with me.
The greatest pro is that I don't have to worry about him wandering from me. If he does, it's not cheating and I have the same option to wander if I wanted. I would hate the constant worry of thinking, "Is he cheating on me or not when he's not with me?" if we were in an official relationship. With all the douche bag scum bag cheaters out there, there are very few guys (and gals) these days who stay faithful.
Both of us had stayed faithful to each other these past 3 3/4 years until about this year. I found out he got with someone else for the first time since he's been "with" me...he told me himself. He has no reason to lie to me if he has or hasn't been with anyone else. I would want to know for safety reasons. I was mad at first, but whatever, it's an open relationship and technically not cheating so I got over it. IF he was OFFICIAL with me and did that, I would have been furious and have never forgiven him. I don't tolerate cheaters, especially when everyone are grown adults at this point and not in high school anymore.
When I had the option of getting with someone else, I threw it back in his face saying I could do it, too and he wasn't mad and we still had each other for some benefits if things don't work out with others.
With all the deceitful, lying cheaters out there of today, I would rather be in an open-relationship than in an official relationship and get cheated on and the SO not tell me/finding out some other way.
I know there are a lot of cheaters out there....but an open relationship would not work for me. Instead of being in an open relationship and telling myself I don't have to worry about cheating..I'd rather just find someone that I think would never cheat.
I haven't given up on monogamy. I think it's great if and OR works out for other people. But in my opinion, I don't think it's hard to stay faithful. If my husband were to cheat on me- that's not my problem. It's his problem- his mistake. And then I'd find someone new.
If you never try- you'll never know! I guess I just find the good in people and have faith in my husband not to cheat.
I have a friend who is in an open relationship with her boyfriend and it seems to work really well for them. They've been together for about six years, too. They do have rules regarding it, like you can't get emotionally invested in the other person, it has to be strictly sexual. They also tend to only go for friends who know the situation and know it has no potential for more. Plus their open relationship tends to turn into threesomes haha. It would never work for me. I'm just casually dating right now and I'm at 2-3 guys at any given time and it's WAY too much work. I don't have enough time for it haha. I can't imagine being in a relationship with one person and making time for someone else.
I haven't considered an open relationship. either it is being in a committed relationship or being single. I've thought about a threesome with twin men. I hate it when people mainly call me out of convenience when they want something, which applies to relatioships in general, rather than because they genuinely care about me. an open relationship is basically a bootycall or other usage whenever they want. I'd rather feel sincerely appreciated than used.
I dislike the insinuation that an open relationship eliminates the potential for cheating... some "open relationships" still have rules and expectations that still allow the possibility, just redefine what is and isn't. (Case in point: @sunflowersforlove@xanga's comment.)
I'm in an open/polyamorous situation. I was "monogamous" until about a year and a half ago, a few incidents aside, then started dating a second person with everyone's knowledge and consent. Things with my first relationship got a little looser, and now I'm allowed to do things with third parties if I get permission from both partners.
It works out for me... it's just a different mindset. STIs are a small concern, but regular testing and safe sex makes it more negligible, particularly since we're not especially promiscuous anyways. The rest of the things I think are compensated for by thorough self-knowledge and good relationship skills, especially knowing how to constructively communicate and deal with jealousy if/when it crops up.
I could never do it.
I was cheated on and opt for an open relationship because the honesty was more valuable to me than the lies... Being married to a self centered invidual, he declined the open relationship and of course continued to cheat... I think on both sides, him declining the open relationship due to the fact he could not handle me sleeping with anyone else either, generally is difficult to do... I really feel you need a very and i mean very confindent mind to survive the temptation of not falling for the others... Boundaries and limits must be set... however human emotion always creeps upon a person when they least expect it... My husband fell for antother and didnt even realize it... Its a hard road for those who do chose it..
The terms "open" and "relationship" describe two completely different and mutually exclusive relationship statuses in my opinion.
If you're with someone, you're with someone.
If you're with someone and you don't feel the above statement accurately or truthfully describes your situation, you're just whoring around IMO, regardless of whether you would ever even consider being with another person.
I see "open relationships" as being either (or both):
1) An excuse to fuck someone else
or
2) A control game
@Edeline_Wrigh@xanga - "especially knowing how to constructively communicate and deal with jealousy if/when it crops up."
1 and 2.
I'm impressed.
I would imagine things made so much more sense when it was dating a few people, and then choosing one to be exclusive with. Sorry, that's only somewhat relevant.
It really bothers me when people can't think outside of themselves.
*sigh* Some couples are just not sexually compatible for starters. I'm a very loving person and could likely love more than one
person romantically. I mean, why not? Most parents love all of their
children, even if they have more than one. I love all four of my
siblings, and both of my parents.
My husband and I are monogamous but would possibly be open to the idea of a closed bigamous triangle with another woman. Not really sure I swing both ways, but he's somewhat open to the concept. He and I keep an open dialogue, so if an interest popped up for either of us, the expectation is that we would discuss it.
i've never been in an open relationship bc i don't want it, i'm happy w/my exclusive relationship.
For the record just because an official relationship may seem "faithful" doesn't mean it actually is. I was talking to someone who is still talking to his "girlfriend" and he did things with me and is keeping it from her. I told my guy right away when it happened, even if he isn't actually my boyfriend. I couldn't hide something like that from someone I really liked. There are guys out there who are great pretenders at being "faithful." I don't know they live with themselves lying about that kind of stuff to people they're actually "official" with or can see themselves with.
It may work for some people, but it probably wouldn't work for me. If I'm with someone, it has to be exclusive. If I were in an open relationship, I would constantly question everything, and I could see it stressing me out to the max. Not worth it to me.
I do know of a couple that is in an open relationship, and it works for them. They do set rules for each other, and it seems like it works.
The concept of an "open relationship" is nonsensical and oxymoronic at best. If you're too emotionally immature to invest your time with only one person, too scared to get hurt, too untrustful of cheating and wrongdoings, too greedy or unsure to choose one person among several possible candidates, or too afraid to take the risk of a potential mate not working out and having your time wasted, then just don't enter into any relationships in the first place!
@chakram54@xanga - It works for me, too. It may not work for you, but I'd rather be in an open relationship and have him be honest than him keeping secrets from me in a dishonest official relationship. I don't see anything to question. Some people are with each other for years and if they are with each other long enough it turns into Common Law.
I've seen so many people be dishonest in official relationships. Some girls even never find out they've never been cheated on because the guy will never tell. I would question an official relationship more.
***I mean some girls NEVER find out they get cheated on because the guys are good at manipulating them so they think he's been "faithful" all this time. This is coming from someone who's been used by guys who cheated on their wives/girlfriends who they will never tell. I find out down the line they are with someone and I just want to find out who their wives/girlfriends are to let them know that their husband/boyfriend is wandering.
If the relationship ended abruptly without question or cause, easily can be said that he was either emotionally cheating or physically cheating. Nothing ever ends for no reason.
@nepenthium@xanga - Wow, judgmental much? At the rate divorce rates are going with official relationships I'd rather be in an unofficial relationship for years. If you ever give an open relationship a chance, you'll find that more people are honest. Don't knock on those who do it.
People who are in official relationships tend to keep secrets more. And I've found that people who are in open relationships are much more OPEN about everything.
@nepenthium@xanga - @T3hZ10n@xanga - With so many wandering folks, it saves me the trouble of being in that position. Call me "immature" but it works for me. Then again, I'm not an insanely jealous person so that's another reason why it works for me. I dislike jealous people to the point where they try to cut off people talking to any others of the opposite sex.
People who I've known who are in official relationships down the line find out dirty little secrets about their beau wandering and never telling them then. I will not be put in that position.
To me, being in an official relationship and finding out someone's been cheated on is more of a waste of time than being in a healthy open relationship. What's wrong with it if that's what two people want and agree on?!
I used to dislike the idea of an open relationship, but once I tried one, I don't mind it. Like I said, if my fling would have been officially with me and messed with someone else, I highly doubt he would have told me about it to "spare" my feelings since it would be a one time thing. I hate all these judgmental comments about an open relationship. Some people get into relationships just to have a "title." You can't judge something you haven't tried.
Being official is over-rated. It doesn't make people immature if they want an open relationship. I've been in official relationships just to have the scum bags break up with me 3 days later, a month later...what's the point of being official if it's only going to be for such a short time?
Open relationships won't work for you if you're a really jealous person. If you're not a jealous person then it will.
Besides, if it doesn't work out with other guys, you will always have someone to turn back to if they haven't find anyone themselves yet.
With me, I'm careful about who I call my boyfriends. I don't just jump into a relationship with anyone. I want to be in an open relationship for a while to see if they're serious about sticking around. I'm not going to waste my time on short term official relationships.
@Guest - What's wrong with it is that it is a defense mechanism to introduce DISTANCE between two people and what are potentially their very deep feelings for each other when being in a (meaning one) RELATIONSHIP is about two people growing CLOSER TOGETHER and BREAKING BARRIERS between them, allowing each other to experience each others' feelings and sharing one's own on a deeper and more meaningful level than one would with the general public or with OTHERS (meaning more than ONE) who are not in said relationship. A relationship is NOT about ADDING factors that further remove people's feelings from EACH OTHER in an attempt to redirect them onto the situation.
A relationship is the most subjective thing a human being can experience aside from life itself. Using bullshit terms like "official" in an attempt to objectively describe the state of a RELATIONSHIP instead of describing the state of one's own FEELINGS for the other PERSON undermines the reality that FEELINGS are ALL that matter in a relationship, not WORDS or made-up TECHNICALITIES.
@xinq@xanga - Why?
Are your FEELINGS responsible for deciding WHETHER THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH IS YOUR "BOYFRIEND" or does WHETHER YOU USE THE WORD "BOYFRIEND" decide YOUR FEELINGS FOR THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH?
I see right through the bullshit attempts at control, even when the people themselves do not. You can't control or compartmentalize love for your convenience (and ever hope to be happy on any deep or lasting level).
Stop trying to control the RELATIONSHIP (i.e. the one other person) and learn to control YOURSELF.