It can be very easy to feel third wheeled when hanging out with another couple or even with a pair of friends who may be a little closer than you are to either of them. It can even be easy sometimes to third wheel someone, even accidentally.
My problem lately has been feeling third wheeled by my boyfriend and his little sister.
I know that neither of them do it on purpose, but there are just a lot of things that I can't relate to or comment on because they're experiences that I have not had since I'm not in their family. Or when he and I are in the car, he puts on whatever music suits his moods, but with his sister he puts on music that they both enjoy listening to together so they can sing along. At first I found this to be cute, but after ten months, it's become pretty awkward, especially since it's music that I don't even dig in the first place.
When we go out together,
more often than not it'll end up being the two of them talking and asking solely the other what their opinion on a product or a current affair or something is. Hello, I'm here too! It's gotten to the point where the person I feel like from the outside, they may look like the couple with me tagging along behind.
I have tried casually bringing this up before, but to no avail. His reasoning is always that they don't see each other often (they live across the street from each other and hang out about 2-3 times/week). It's a hard argument to make and justify, because what can you say? You're too attentive to your sister when we hang out? In addition, I don't want to say anything that would make either of them feel awkward when we hang out because that could in turn put tension between my boyfriend and I.
This would be terrible because I love his sister and thoroughly enjoy hanging out with them and don't want to do anything to compromise that. It's a bit of a hard place, but what can I do?
Do you ever feel third-wheeled with you SO and their sibling?image source
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Comments (15)
Talk to him about it, and try to compromise. Maybe go on a few less "dates" with her tagging along.
Remember, they grew up together, have years and years of memories together.. you've been around less then a year. Chances are this is something you are going to have to live with, or break up with him. Think of it this way, he gets along with his family and thats a huge plus. Usually the way a guy treats his sisters/mum is how they are going to treat their wives.
Or what you could do is try setting sister dear up with a guy and go on double dates.. could work out great for all.
My brother and I are like this, we like the same music, crack up over stuff that no one else gets. Sometimes I will make an effort to include the other person specifically but not usually they can interject if they want. We're all grown ups they should try to join the conversation more if it's that much of a problem. I think my brothers ex gf had this problem when me and both of my brothers used to get together and it was just her. We're triplets and very close...it would be easy to feel excluded from that. it's really something you're going to have to deal with or try to set her up with someone then u can have double dates lol
I feel third wheeled sometimes by my sibling and his S/O(my brother and his wife respectively).
anyone else see a little magnifying glass?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I see the magnifying glass, I'm slightly tempted to click on it since it seems to be a link. I don't want to click on it in case it is a virus or a scarring image LOL
I've felt like it before with my ex and his sisters, and it's horrible, I know. The only thing you can do is try and interject and join in the conversation, or bring a friend along with you so you have someone else to talk to. Maybe if you spend your time with your boyfriend talking to someone else, he'll understand how you feel and might cut back on how much he sees his sister around you. I do have a question though - why do you all hang out together? Why not give him some time with his sister, and see him beforehand or afterwards, or bring friends and hang out as a group if it makes you uncomfortable? Just a thought. Good luck, I know how much it can suck when you feel third-wheeled by a family member!
Omygosh! This sounds like my last bf and his sister except she hated me and we didn't see each other. He would just constantly speak of her, likes, dislikes, favorites foods, clothes, he bought her gifts, she was on his bank account and got his tax refunds, etc. I seriously felt like "the other woman" to her. We drove team and he was constantly on the phone with her during his shifts, even in the middle of the night.
His sister isn't the reason I broke up with him and moved on, but I put myself through three years of hell being one upped by her. I'll never take second seat to anyone's family member again. Sibling or not, maybe I just cared for him more than he did me. But it really felt at times as if he was in love with her, I couldn't deal with those thoughts.
Definitely, when I was dating this one guy I just couldn't tell my sister enough that she needed to leave us alone (at the time she was maybe 5 years old and I was in high school). However, I think that as you grow older everyone becomes a little more mature to be around each other.
My dad made my brother be the third wheel when I was with my girlfriend back in high school. Except, Asian people don't really call it a "third wheel." They call it the "lightbulb"...
I don't feel third-wheeled by my fling and his sister at all. They have this nick name they call their parents that I didn't understand, but included me in on it. My fling and I have our own funny nick names for each other and included his sister in on it and we both gave her a nick name with our naming system. They're both close in age, she's actually one year younger than me and he's one year older than me. We have a great dynamic. They say three's company, or this is an A-B conversation you can C your way out, but I don't feel like the odd ball at all.
However, freshman year when I lived with two roommates, I constantly felt like the third wheel. My girl roommates didn't ask me to hang out with them at all and always did things without me. So one time I blogged about it, they found my blog, asked me to join and I said no thanks I don't want your pity invites. They were both from the same town and knew a lot of the same people so naturally they're closer to each other than I was with them. I'm sure they're still best friends, too. I don't talk to any of my college roommates.
Now, I live with two guys. The guys may have more in common with each other but they always make sure to include me so I don't feel like the only girl left out. (non-sexual)
I do get third wheeled by my siblings and their boyfriend/girlfriend but not by their siblings themselves. Although that's probably because they're older, married, and live in another city. I figure I have to get used to being the third wheel surrounded by couples though. I'm very happy single and am looking forward to becoming a spinster.
I wouldn't really talk to him about it since you already have & he thinks there's nothing wrong so if you keep nagging him, he's just going to get angry with you. Instead ask if you could limit the three of you going out to one night a week, especially since he hangs out with her three days a week without you. You're not depriving him of time with her, you're just making your time with him more intimate, plain & simple.
As far as music or not knowing what they're talking about; you kind of have to get over that. Expand your musical tastes & try to like what they're listening to- if you're not driving, you don't really have a say in what's on the radio. If it's really a big deal, offer to drive more. I always say, "my gas is being burned, my music is being played." & don't be afraid to get in the conversation & ask what they're talking about! If it's not a subject you can contribute to, listen & learn something new instead of sighing & rolling your eyes.
maybe tell him you have a lot of fun hanging out with him and his sister but you'd really like some alone time with him, too? You need your alone time with him, you shouldn't only see him when he's around his sister...
Awful. I know when my ex boyfriend and I went out with my sister we always made a serious effort to include her in conversation. But there are times when my boyfriend and I or my sister and I talked more to the other than the third party. It happens. That being said, since you've already talked with your boyfriend about this and he's given his comeback you need to take your own action. Either invite a friend along so you'll have someone to talk to, or simply give them the time they want to hang out and you do something else. Stay home, go shopping, talk a walk, read, whatever.