Thursday, 23 August 2012
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Dating and Children
I have two children, ages six and four. I got married when I was 18, my husband and I split up almost 2 years ago. I met someone right away, and was in a relationship with him until a few months ago, on and off. It was a very dysfunctional relationship to say the least, and I’m sure I chose him because I was at such a rocky time in my own life, maybe I didn’t feel worthy of a healthy relationship.Now that I’ve moved on from him, I’ve been testing the waters with new guys, and it’s just so new to me. I almost feel as if I have zero dating experience. Since leaving my husband, I lost all my “mom weight” and I’ve always taken care of my appearance, plus I’m very social and friendly. Honestly, guys ask me out pretty often. I feel so out of place in the whole realm of dating because I’m a mom.
Men are always surprised to find out I have kids. The thing is, they won’t ever come out and say that it’s an issue for them. I guess they think it would be rude, or like it isn’t that big of a deal.It is a big deal! I am 23-years-old, and the guys are usually not much older. I have a totally different lifestyle. I can’t just pick up and go to the beach for the weekend. Unless of course, I bring my kids, but I’m not going to introduce them to every guy who’s interested in me. I wouldn’t want them to meet any guy unless I truly believed he and I were heading toward marriage. In reality, my kids’ opinion of him would become the deciding factor of whether or not I would get married again.
Another thing is, I don’t get much free time without the kids. Dating me is definitely slow paced, because at most we would have 2 nights a week together until I was comfortable having him around my children. To me, that’s a lot. It seems like guys want more. It also hurts my relationships with my friends, because usually my nights to go out are usually spent with them. Even just casually dating around takes some toll on my life.
I feel like trying to have a relationship with someone who has kids (if you do not have kids) is very difficult, and I have a hard time getting close to anyone because I don’t want to complicate their life, or make them feel like they are taking on some grand responsibility. I also don’t like talking about things that they can’t relate to in any way. If they want to be in a serious relationship with me, of course the kids are part of the package. They are like 90% of my life!
I never say I’m looking for a father for them or someone to feel responsible for them, but let’s be real. A step parent is a major influence on a child. They would have to essentially live the life of a parent in order to have a good relationship with me. I wouldn’t want to sit home alone all the time because they’re my kids and not his. It all seems like so much to ask of a person!
Men don’t seem to think this way at first. They think babysitters are just a phone call away and don’t quite grasp the concept of taking care of two additional people on top of yourself, much less teaching and raising them.I met someone recently who has potential to work out so far. He is older than I’ve ever dated, 35, and of course seems fine with the fact that I have children. He has a very successful career and lots of free time, does fun things and travels a lot. I’m going to try and give it a shot since everyone has told me an older man would be more mentally equipped to handle a woman with children, but he also doesn’t have any of his own.
Another thing that concerns me is the fact that I don’t want any MORE children. I don’t think there are many men who like kids enough to help raise them, but don’t want any of their own. I was trying to find a single dad, but they are very hard to come by! My dating spectrum just keeps shrinking.I guess I’ll continue to test the waters, but I can’t shake this negative feeling I have toward dating with kids. It’s very difficult for me to balance all these emotions, combined with the ones of meeting a nice guy.
I wanted to know how many readers out there are starting to date with kids, or maybe you’ve been doing it for a while?
Any guys out there dating/have dated a woman with kids?
Any guys opposed to the idea?
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- From: Tiffany_etc
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Comments (36)
You should try dating older men. Most 23ish year old men aren't ready to be dads.
@heythereJOANN@xanga - she's right/got a point, though....
However, the deed's been done.... and perhaps OP needs to wait a while for her dating pool to mature enough to be self sacrificing and fatherly. as @heythereJOANN@xanga says, most 23ish year old men aren't ready to be dads.
@IcECaT123@xanga - BAM BABY!
Anyway, I don't want kids of any sort (biological, step, adopted, whatever) so I wouldn't even waste my time dating a woman with kids. I can't stand those snotty nosed crotch droppings, and they are not welcome in my home or anywhere near me. That's the bottom line.
@Living_just_2_breathe@xanga - i really am that insensitive.
wow, you're so young. i don't know if i can do it with children. i would think of my children first to see what's best for them. why rush? i don't think i would date men with children, i'm so selfish.
I think if you are having this many problems/concerns about dating with children, then you need to take a break from dating.
Step back and figure out exactly what you want, and the kind of person you want it from, what you expect from them in terms of a bf, and what you expect from them in regards to your children. Talk to your children about you dating, how they feel is definitely important, but you cant assume you know HOW they feel about it, you would hate to get into a relationship and have your kids thinking that he will be their new dad, only for the relationship not work out. (I know they are older but some kids really do think like that)Date men in their early 30s, or other young fathers.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone who has a kid, so I bet most 28 year old men feel the same way.
I'm currently dating a single dad so i know how it is from the other side. it is definitely scary (even at my age - i'm 29) and a huge role to take on. you're not just dating the person but also taking on a lot more responsibilities. my bf has a set of rules he isn't willing to bend on. he said it's from his failed marriage that he knows what he doesn't want in a partner/wife. and since he isn't in a hurry to get married again and have more kids (since he's done it all once), he'll take his time finding the right person. so take your time. you're still young, there's no need to rush.
a friend of mine was divorced at 29 with 3 kids. she told me that dating older single dads were a lot easier than dating guys who have never been married or have kids. another friend of mine had 4 kids by the time she was 24 and that was when she met her current husband who is 2 years younger. so anything is possible. you just need to know what you want in a partner. most 23 year olds (guys and girls) can't picture themselves with kids so you might want to either wait until people around you mature more or start dating older people who are in the similar situation so they can relate to you.
@IcECaT123@xanga - well that was constructive! Good job there!
I am 26 and the guy I am into is 24 with a 4 year old child. We are in the talking stages. He has told me about his daughter, and I have no problem with dating a man with a child. Besides, she is adorable! And I am still 50/50 on whether I want a child of my own. That is a decision that will happen once I am married! I've been pregnant twice and I have no children. I got into a car accident with my 2nd and that's how I found out. My first, my body attacked my baby and myself, causing me to lose the baby. Anyways, I know you will find a nice man worth your time and your child's time. You are still young sweet heart. Keep your head high! Very high, and do not, what so ever, let anyone talk down to you because you had children at a young age. That isn't the point of your post, what's the point is whether or not there are men out there who will be worthy of being step father, if it is possible. Just be patient and like you are doing, keep your guard up and trust your heart when it comes to someone meeting your children!
I also prefer slightly older men in their 30's even 40's. I can't speak for all, but in my experiences, they know how to treat a woman better, period.
i definitely wouldn't, especially not a girl who got knocked up at age 16 (not a personal attack, promise). i met this chick a few months ago who was your age and had a 4 year old kid. we were kind of hitting it off till she mentioned that, too, so it was kind of a shame. (by complete coincidence, i bumped into her again today--whoda thunk? i took her number but i have no interest in dating her, but only having a drunk fuck with her.)
although i question if i will ever have kids, i certainly have no interest in doing so at this age; my social life is too important to me and i can't give that up. kids are a HUGE responsibility, and even if i have the financial means to do it right now, i don't have it in me to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good parent. maybe in 10 years...
She may have had kids young but what is so wrong about her having kids with a guy she's been married to for ages for years? At least she was with the kids' father for some time they just didn't work out. What do you expect people with kids to do stay single?
Personally, I wouldn't date a guy with kids, though. I couldn't take on someone else's kids on top of my problems, and said potential dad's problems. I like for things to be simple when it can be and for it not to be complicated if it doesn't need to be. I have too many personal issues to resolve first before I get into anything extremely serious that may affect another one's life.
I'm 22, almost 23, and my fiancé is 26 with a 6 year old daughter. It's a lot of work, and I did have to change my lifestyle, but being with him and his daughter has been worth it. I love them both and honestly couldn't imagine my life without a kid now. It may seem tough now, but the right person will come along who will love your children and you, and won't find them a burden. Just be patient, and don't give up hope. There are some young people out there who can handle it, just as you have. Good luck!
Date an older guy who also has kids maybe?
Honestly, you're not going to meet many 23 year olds who are happy to date someone with children. Like it or not, you've got a lot of baggage for someone who is so young - you have an ex partner who's always going to be around and in your life, and at 23, these kids are your priority for life now. A lot of 23 year olds want to travel, party and go out without having to worry about a child and the responsibilities that come with it.
Have you thought about joining a group for single parents? You might not find a partner there, but you'll meet a lot of other people in the same situation as you are, and you'll expand your social circle a lot, which will definitely help in the long run. Please don't take what I said about baggage as a personal issue against you - it's not, I know a lot of lovely young parents who are fantastic people and really good with their children, but it's a lot to expect someone else to take on. Best of luck!
Trust me all, I know the stigmas that come with becoming a mom as a teenager. I can take it. When I decided not to have an abortion, I knew the consequences. My own opinion matters much more than people I don't know. I couldn't live with myself if I terminated, even if it would have saved me some negative comments and prejudice.
As for men my age not WANTING to date women with children... you would all be very suprised. I don't have a hard time at all finding men my age to date. I am usually the one ending things early on, because I have very specific needs. I always get "You are just being negative, I love kids, I want to make this work, I am ready for this", etc. I think ONE time I had a man come out and say "I can't be with you because you have children". Which was fine with me, I wasn't interested in him anyway. My kids are my number one priority, and I make decisions very differently than most people my age. When I see that he would take some "work", I move on. I don't have the patience or capacity to watch a guy mature into what I need him to be. I guess that sounds harsh... but it's the truth.
I see quite a few girls with men who have children, but no ladies with kids out there???
According to Steve Harvey (and his wise dating book), you need to introduce your children early on because if the guy doesn't like your kids or vice versa then you need to stop the relationship before you have feelings. It is bad to wait until you love someone to find out he doesn't get along with your kids.
Also, shoot for older guys and know that it is a deal breaker for some.
I mean, if I had two choose between two nice guys, ceteris paribus, and one had kids, I'd pick the one without. Not because I don't like kids. I do. I love children. But it adds too many complications.
@heythereJOANN@xanga - dissagree
"Most 23ish year old men aren't ready to be dads."
@mycontinuity@xanga - But I wouldn't want to introduce every guy that I dated to my children early on just to have them disappear out of their lives when we don't work out. I rather date the dude and if we are serious, let him meet my children later, but of course, that is my personal preference and every parents has their own preference as well.
@Tiffany_etc - I think a lot of guys are insecure about having an ex partner around all the time, y'know? And girls are probably more willing to take on children than guys are - in my experience, girls find it easier to bond babies that aren't theirs than guys do.
It's definitely different. When I met my boyfriend, he was the one with kids and I was the no babies girlfriend. But I love his kids and eventually we had our own little surprise. It all worked out fine for us, but I do get that it's spreading yourself thin already.
And don't worry, you'll find the one for you :D Just don't give up. Keep looking :D
I can relate to you on this one. Similar, I wasn't married but had a child young spilt up from the father. I started to date again I didn't introduce them to my child because I wanted to know what they were all about. These guys were single & definitely didn't understand that I couldn't just drop everything & go see them. Eventually I met my boyfriend who is also older, he's 34 & has children he understands a lot of what I go through. He's met my son & has been a great influence. Its definitely concerning time will tell you'll make the right choice.