Thursday, 23 August 2012
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Is My Boyfriend Interested in His Best Friend?
This post was submitted anonymously.
So, my boyfriend and I have been together a long time. We now go to college in the same city, but not the same school. This year, he became really close to another girl. We'll call her S.He considers S his best friend. Whenever I visit him, I have to spend time with her, too. In her room, in the dining hall, etc. He pays special attention to her when she speaks and he often stares at her. He has called her pretty, beautiful, precious, and all sorts of different names. He has pictures of her laughing on his phone and when I was in her room last I saw a picture of her - drawn by my boyfriend. He tells our old friends about her and her interests even though they will probably never meet her.
I've also been told he has no problem holding her hand, hugging her, getting up in her space, etc.
But still, on the flip side, he often makes time for just us when I visit. He makes sure that I am comfortable and happy and is affectionate with me, etc. We still text and Skype all the time, but he just seems so infatuated with that girl. I do not know what to do.
What do you all think?
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Comments (47)
Gurrlll, that close 2 someone? He's cheatin' on ya with her. Get out!
I bet whenever he sees or thinks about you he probably says "sucker!"
Unless your bf is closeted he is almost definitely interested in this girl. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean they're together but if I had to bet money they probably are. If you're in a situation where you can't see him regularly and that's part of the problem you should almost definitely break up and maybe date other people. If not than just ask; the situation will likely really suck for awhile but knowing what what is happening will ultimately make it worthwhile.
At the current moment, I also go to school with a good friend of mine. A few months ago, my girlfriend at the time got paranoid about it, and I don't blame her in some respects, but I didn't everything in my power to ensure her that we were only friends and nothing more. I mean, we've known each other for 10 years, but to this day, I've never even known where she lived, and we still give each other one-armed side hugs and that's if we even touch each other.
That's why I believe that in this case, your guy's behavior is not appropriate. He may be cheating, he may not, but people who are "just friends" just don't do that kind of thing.
I agree with some of the above, tell him how you feel & ask him what's up. Feel free to remind him that honesty is the best policy, even if it hurts someone. You deserve the truth.
FUCK THAT. You should be talking to him about this... not Datingish. Sounds like he really wants her but she has friendzoned him. He is waiting for a green light, so he can cheat and leave you for her. If he loves you he will drop her since you came first. If not, dump him or prepare for the worst.
Yeah, definitely ask. I am best friends with a couple men, but I don't hold hands with them. I could if I wanted to though I guess. I think being best friends is a really intimate emotional relationship and not every girl is going to be okay with it involving her boyfriend.
Did he hold her hand in front of you? Don't listen to what other people say. I have heard of some ridiculous rumors about my best friends and me that aren't even remotely true. Hugging is totally fine though, in my opinion. I have occasionally cuddled also (but not in a sexual way).
I think the big red flag is that she's a new friend. I would also suggest talking to her. By now the two of you have gotten to know each other and it's time to sweeten up your friendship with her. She can be your ally if she's really his best friend and nothing more.
Get out now.
I really don't know what to say here other than you need to talk to him about it. I really don't know what else to say about it. You just need to find out from him what is going on exactly and do what you need to from there. Don't let him just blow it off either. Sit him down and have a discussion about it. Don't attack him or his relationship, just tell him that you're having some mixed feelings here and you need to know the real details. If he can't respect that, something's fishy. I've had similar problems with two exes in the past. The difference being that they were EXTREMELY close with their guy friend. I don't mean that they were just two friends being close buddies. They were practically co-dependant and probably would have been dating if one of them came out of the closet kind of close. Nothing wrong with that, but I didn't want to be in the middle of it. ... Like I said, really talk to him and find out what's going on before you jump to conclusions.
Hon, seriously...
It's over. You've been replaced, he just hasn't figured out how to tell you yet, and she's being "cool" about it with him, OR he's just waiting to see that he has her locked in before he makes the move because he'd rather at least have you if he doesn't get her.
Either way, he needs to drop a ten-ner in the douchebag jar, and you'd do well to drop him.
How is this stuff even this complicated? My God, I miss the days when people had real problems, like her liking pineapple on her pizza. (red flag, btw)
i think he's waaaay too open about it for it to be an actual affair he's having. if he was cheating with this girl, why would he bring her along with you and all that? he would more likely try to keep her presence under the radar, so as to not raise your suspicions. now, that doesn't mean he hasn't developed some feelings for this girl. but i don't think he's actually cheating on you at this point.
I think he's into her. Regardless, he has a girlfriend and shouldn't be that close with any girl. imagine if you had a male best friend and you did that with him? your boyfriend would flip a lid
the only time that I drew a picture of a guy was when I was a boy crazy giggly highschooler
I also wrote 1437-numeric code for I love you forever inside of the origami hearts that I folded for the guy that I was infatuated with at the moment
then I placed the origami heart inside of my stuffed animal's shirt, which by the way, I also named my stuffed puppy after my crush's name
it totally wasn't me
okay, it was me
this is my confession. your bf probably has a similar secret ritual, except he probably folds origami butterflies and he keeps it hidden inside of his socks drawer.
You need to talk to him about your feelings.
It sounds like he is totally into her. But she has put him in the friend zone. At least, right now. For me, I would not tolerate my SO holding hands with someone else of the opposite sex, but that's me. You know what your own boundaries are. It would probably help if you both went to the same school. But if you can't...yeah. I can see this ending really badly. But instead of asking all of us on the interwebz, you gotta go talk to your boy friend.
Lol, I love the Three's Company picture.
i'm really flirty with some of my friends, but the reason we do that is that we know we're not serious about it--we're just being silly, is all. like last weekend, my friend had a bunch of guests over (including me, obviously), and we were sexting on the phone as she started subtly showing me her underwear from across the room.
this dude takes it way past my level though. idk what to say--he's the only one who really knows.
so you're forewarned, just realize you might not like the answer he gives.
@SecretlySabrina@xanga - actually, maybe these 3 should just go for a menage also, lol.
Things to consider:
First of all, why does he have to become "BFF's" with a member of the opposite sex, all of a sudden, after you're not around that frequently?
I also hate to say this, but that is more than just "BFF" behavior. That's WAY too much attention.
Second of all, the two met AFTER YOU were in the picture (for a long time too)...why does he need to become close to female if he has you? And he's treating her as if she came BEFORE you. I could understand if the two of them were always close, but suddenly? That's really weird and suspicious.
Third, why is he dragging you around, whenever you visit, to hang out with her? That's awkward.
Fourth, why is he talking about her to his other friends? He should be talking about YOU, paying attention to YOU.
Lastly, using pet names and telling another female how good looking and great they are is a serious sign of a crush.
Also, being "open" about such things is the easiest way to get away with it. You would never suspect a thing. You trust him, so of course he thinks that as long as he pays the same attention to you (but only when its convenient for him) and keeps flashing the girl around and pushing her into your face, you will just let it slide, because we are all prone to thinking that secrets mean affairs, not the contrary. Be careful.
I think you two are still young and him being on his own, in college, is getting to his head. I don't know if "talking" will help. It's just a maturity thing. It's up to you, if you want to make it work or not because things are not going to change. I can honestly say that he would probably start hiding all of that stuff from you, if you tried to put a hold on it.
Even if he's not cheating on you, he has feelings for her. Which means he needs to stop hanging out with her if he wants to stay in a relationship with you (I'm not saying as this as "make this threat" just a matter-of-fact how life is kinda statement). She might be upset because it's possible SHE doesn't feel anything more than friendly feelings towards him, but it's totally unfair to a SO to continue to hang out with someone who have feelings for even if you aren't actually cheating. Maybe he actually like this girl more but again, she doesn't see him that way or doesn't want to break up a relationship, so he is staying with you.
Confront him about this because it's not okay.
@sleevelessheart@xanga - I always felt like if someone makes it too obvious that it's a platonic friendship, they're always hiding something.
He's definitely interested in her and if I were you, I'll be doing my homework.
The truth is not many GFs are going to be understanding about you having a female best friend. It sucks but most of the time, the guy just has to choose to keep his distance with his friend for the sake of the relationship.
Well we consistently have posts on datingish about how men and women CAN just be friends, and that is alright, and good, and healthy...
And then as soon as a post like this pops up, everybody jumps out with why THESE PEOPLE can't possibly just be good friends.
Sorry, mature people have friends. Some of them are of the same sex, some of the opposite. Deal with it.
@Endrath@xanga - i'm sorry, do YOU hold hands and get all up in your female friend's grill? make your girlfriend hang out with her every time she visits? it's damn sketchy, this situation, and that's all anyone's saying.
well i was going to say i would never get involved with someone who had a girl best friend BUT this happened after you two were already seeing each other??? that is weird and NOT acceptable. he obviously wants to fuck her if he hasn't already and you should not talk to him anymore.