This post was submitted anonymously.
I've been in a relationship with this boy for about 3 months now, and he's extremely serious about me. I, however, don't feel the same way. He says he loves me, but I don't love him; my feelings just aren't that strong. In fact, I'm attracted to another boy.
The problem? My current boyfriend has threatened to either put my life in jeopardy, or do something to himself if I were to break up with him. I'm afraid that he'll hurt himself or do something to hurt me. He makes it sound like he would go as far as killing me or himself... and telling the police will probably only make things worse I think. What if he gets really mad?
I really don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to break up with him.
I'm afraid for my own safety and even his! Any advice would be super helpful.
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Comments (81)
Has he ever done anything to hurt you physically? I am asking because some men issue empty threats in order to control their girlfriends and some are serious. Having been there and done that, if some guy told me he was going to kill himself if I left him, I would tell him to go ahead it would be his choice. Threatening to kill yourself is manipulative, abusive, and controlling. If he does start to become violent against you, let the others in your life and the police know. Isolation and fear are others tactic that they use. Without knowing anything about your relationship, I'll just say the rest is up to you. You can stay and be controlled and miserable in a relationship that you don't want to be in or you can leave.
Don't wait for him to get violent with you to tell someone. If you live with your parents or family members tell them, or whomever you live with. I have been in this situation before and it is TERRIFYING-I was only 14.
DO NOT WAIT TO TELL SOMEONE. Even if it's not the police! That way you have someone to check in on you from time to time and make sure you're ok. If you know someone close to your boyfriend, tell them so someone can do the same for him. I really do suggest going to the police if he has made a direct threat. It really is better to be cautious rather than wait for something bad to happen. It's not a risk worth taking. Even if he doesn't mean what he says, I hope that for your own safety you will do your best to let him go.
Tell someone. Make sure those close to you know what is going on. I had a very similar incident with a guy I dated; I was worried for his safety as much as my own. Luckily I had a good friend who was also in the loop, so when he started going on about "buying a gun" and I was too stunned to take action she put her foot and called campus police on my behalf. It was painful and dramatic but it was the right thing to do.
If you are hesitant to call the authorities, which I understand, make sure that a trusted friend or family member knows what is going on. I would also suggest talking to a school counselor if you are in school- they have experience with these things and can bite the bullet for you.
He is preying on your fear and is making it so that you are too afraid to take action. This is what he wants, to keep you in fear and helpless. Getting as many trusted people on your side is the surest way to get out of this.
Get out of that relationship! If he does something to himself, it's not your fault at all. If you're really afraid he'd hurt you, don't break up with him in person and maybe stay with someone until it blows over. I'm certain there are steps out there you can take to protect yourself, but you need to get out of that relationship. Nothing good can come from it.
Yeah, jump the gun like everyone else said.
First of all, how is he "threatening" you?
What did he say or do specifically?
To me, it looks like you're deliberately being ambiguous and fishing for the kind of reactions you're getting here to build up a totally biased and circumstantial case, like the overly-concerned 'oh you're so helpless and vulnerable' ones above.
"He says he loves me, but I don't love him; my feelings just aren't that strong."
He doesn't sound at all like the cold/emotionless type to me.
"What if he gets really mad?"
Umm, he might leave you for a girl he's more attracted to?
What woman/girl in serious trouble thinks to go to Datingish first?
http://youtu.be/YKJ4xjZ3REI
"You'd rather run when you can't crawl."
I tend to twist and weave my own meanings in plays on words. In this case, I mean you'd rather run away from a relationship as though you're the victim when what you need to do is stand up for yourself and allow him to do the same. It sounds to me like you've never really dealt with a difficult relationship if he isn't physically abusive and the primary issue here is that you're attracted to someone else while you're in a relationship and trying to make him look like the bad guy.
"In fact, I'm attracted to another boy."
Yeah... males tend to get pissed off when you do that.
I wouldn't wait until he has you tied in his basement... tell your parents, get a restraining order. But do not wait until this controlling emotional man has you in a position that threatens your life. If he doesn't value his life enough, that is his problem, not yours. Just make sure you secure your safety first. No talking to him alone.
@ShirleyD@xanga - "I wouldn't wait until he has you tied in his basement..."
Yeah... that guy totally has a sick and twisted mind.
"He says he loves me, but I don't love him"
Read between the lines
@OP - What exactly did he say to you?
"My current boyfriend has threatened to either put my life in jeopardy, or do something to himself if I were to break up with him."
There's a huge gap there... to "either"?
What could he have possibly said that would be so ambiguous that you don't know for sure which it is?
As soon as you possibly can, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). Just make sure he's not around when you call. They can talk you through what to do and how to get away safely. You are not alone!!
Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline
1-800-799-7233
CALL IT NOW! YOUR LIFE IS IN JEOPARDY!!!!!
They will know what to do and who to contact to make you feel safer.
1-800-799-7233
http://www.thehotline.org/
@T3hZ10n@xanga - in high school my 1st boyfriend threatened me and the best friend I fell in love with. By then I wasn't in love w/ my bf anymore, but that doesn't mean that a) I didn't care about his safety and well-being, or b) that his somewhat ambiguous threats towards the friend I loved and himself didn't scare me. She doesn't need to spell out what he said-it's traumatizing enough. And she doesn't have to love him to care or be frightened. Go troll somewhere else.
he is definitely trying to control you, and if you're not telling anyone then it's working. are you in high school? tell a guidance counselor, or the school counselor - because aside from getting you away from this guy and to safety, he sounds like he also needs some serious help.
@shatteredmoonbeams@xanga - Fine.
@shatteredmoonbeams@xanga - "She doesn't need to spell out what he said"
What he said might not be threatening at all.
There's a difference between being threatened and feeling threatened.
This is Datingish... not Gossipish. If she wants an accurate opinion, she damn well should explain.
Otherwise it's her word against... well... NOTHING.
i.e. NO CONTEST
Last I checked, feeling threatened is not "domestic abuse".
@raspberryjade@xanga - What has he said that makes him sound like he needs serious help? From what I read, she hasn't even quoted anything he said besides that he loves her.
"He makes it sound like he would go as far as killing me or himself"
She didn't say HE SAID that. Girls are fucking insane. One says something sounds threatening then all of a sudden it's 'call the domestic abuse hotline' and "YOUR LIFE IS IN JEOPARDY!".
I hope these are sickly sarcastic jokes.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - if someone threatens to take their own life if you should leave them, they are threatening you into staying in the relationship. It is basic domestic violence knowledge that anyone who does this is controlling and manipulative.
Bottom line is if she feels threatened or that she is in danger, she needs to get help. It doesn't matter if there actually IS a threat or not, if she feels threatened she should be able to talk to someone about it without people like you who are very irrationally angry about this situation telling her nothing is wrong. She has a concern for her own and her boyfriend's safety, and she should do something about it.
if some one threatened to harm me, I wouldn't give two craps if he off'd himself.
just sayin.
@raspberryjade@xanga - I didn't say nothing is wrong. I was explaining through example that there are two sides here and there is absolutely no way to tell how to approach the situation based on anything she said, and in my opinion, if someone is willing to kill themselves because they love someone so much, staying with them is a small price to pay to save a life.
Why is the person WITHOUT feelings the one everyone cares about?
I'm more concerned with what she is doing to the poor guy.
She's "not happy" and everyone wants her to be happy... he's miserable and no one gives a flying fuck about that...
Isn't HE the one who needs help?
What I'm seeing is grossly unfair representation.
@raspberryjade@xanga - "In fact, I'm attracted to another boy."
What then?
Is she going to find someone else attractive when she's in a relationship with the next guy and make HIM unpredictably violent/suicidal because her "feelings just aren't that strong" and she wants out?
This is why I'm against the bullshit sluttery that goes on today. It's fucking overwhelmingly biased and ridiculously in favor of those who don't give a fuck about what happens to the other person.
FTR, marriage and sex used to mean the same thing. The MARRIAGE (coming together) of two bodies... because it was ASSUMED in good faith that if you love someone enough to have sex with them, you'd stay with them forever.
Talk about fucking lost in translation.
Now everything is ASSUMED to be in self-interest.
http://youtu.be/yG5e1oaen-M
@T3hZ10n@xanga - You obviously have some unresolved issues... lol And you're definitely undereducated about dating abuse, which, for your information, doesn't HAVE to include physical violence. How about you stop projecting your unhappiness with your own life onto other people. If you think this guy's behavior is acceptable, I'd be really curious to see what your own relationships are like -- if you have any, that is.
@learningtolive_again@xanga - I don't have any relationships (plural) mostly because I prevent bullshit like this before it happens and choose to not fail, not because I'm afraid of failure, but because having a BRAIN and USING IT WISELY makes failure unnecessary.
Some people don't require education to understand things.
I don't have a concept of how I feel about my life overall because most of the time I am too focused on the things that are happening in it.
Don't worry, I absolutely hate the fact that I'm always right in a world of wrong.
leave him. if he loved you, he wouldn't have gone to this extreme to put you in such an unfair, horrible position.
Tell your parents or an authority figure before you break up with him. When you do break up with him, do it over the phone and somewhere safe. Don't be alone with him and don't put yourself in that position. If he takes his life bc you broke up with him, it's his own fault. He cannot threaten you to make you stay with him.
@Anniep91@xanga - If he absolutely loved her, what could he do?
Who put who in such an unfair, horrible position?
Sounds to me like he is in a worse situation than she is if he's suicidal and she's thinking about another boy.