About a week ago, I had an article --
"Unwanted Arousal & Sexual Shame" -- published on
elephantjournal.com.
To summarize my piece briefly: I argue that
no matter WHAT makes us tick sexually --
even if our fantasies are dark and downbeat, even violent and socially taboo -- it's
OKAY, so long as we take responsibility for our actions. There's an entire subculture (
BDSM:
Bondage, Domination, Submission, and Sadomasochism) built around playing with power dynamics and pushing/experimenting with all sorts of physical and psycho-sexual boundaries.
The article is centered on encouraging readers to
embrace the shadow side of their sexuality -- to find safe, healthy, ethically sound ways to channel and explore their darker primal yearnings, as opposed to repressing them.
I also discuss
my personal story -- the deep guilt and shame I've experienced as a result of feeling aroused by images/descriptions of
women's erotic humiliation and sexual debasement. As I say in the piece:
Please bear in mind that I identify as a feminist -- talk about cognitive dissonance! One reader made a thoughtful, interesting comment that *really* started turning my mind's wheels in rotation:
I... appreciate this post. It's an authentic take on a taboo topic, and most importantly (to me), I completely relate. That being said, it really only touches the surface of an area of human experience which... encompasses a complex array of important issues, includ[ing] a legacy of misogyny, sexual violence, oppression, and female suffering. I do understand the author's emphasis on purging shame from our proclivities in the bedroom, and I believe it is a significant message to spread and support. I just think it bares saying that... I've come to believe that there is a correlation between our shadowy sexual fantasies and our shadowy sexual history steeped in a culture of rape. While I'm no longer sure whether I can, or should bother trying to alter my own sexuality, I would like to empower a future wherein our children don't grow into adults whose sexual identity is inextricably tied to a cultural message which correlates female sexual worth with dehumanized objectivity.
I 100% agree.
I accept that what I described above has been known to turn my proverbial crank. [I'm not alone here. Look at the way
50 Shades of Grey (which I have *LOTS* of opinions about... but that's a topic I'll address in another post) has blown up!] In fact,
I've come to own it as an integral part of my sexual identity. However, I also recognize that these sexual cravings didn't exactly come out of nowhere. Their origins are, at least in part, rooted firmly in a social structure that enforces female subordination and, as the commenter above stated,
promotes female suffering. This has worked its way into my mind and body, coming to dictate
what I want, how I feel, and to an extent,
the way I interact with men.
Granted, this a more extreme example of how our culture has impacted one particular woman's [meaning
my] view on what it means to be a female, objectified. But the media manages to creep into our consciousness every day, manipulating the way men and women relate to one another in ways that are far more subtle.
In
Miss Representation (the 2011 documentary in which director, Jennifer Siebler Newsom, "explores the under-representation of women in positions of power and influence in America, and challenges the media's limited portrayal of what it means to be a powerful woman"), Jane Fonda says,
"Media creates consciousness, and if what gets put out there that creates our consciousness is determined by men, we’re not going to make any progress."Please don't get me wrong.
I don't believe that men are the enemy. In fact, I believe that most men are equal victims of the media's predatory agenda.
Many women, myself included, see our ability to
turn men on and
please men sexually as
a source of pride, empowerment, and self-worth. Many women, myself included, would
love to hear men describe them as
hot, sexy, or
amazing in bed. But if a society founded on male domination/female subordination colors what men come to expect from women sexually, then who's really in the driver's seat?
Take a look at any given issue of
Cosmo. Do the editors give a flying rat's ass about women's authentic sexual fulfillment? My best guess: Absolutely not. Our "seductive, feminine wiles" -- our ways of
controlling men and their bodies (i.e. waxed pubic hair, sexy lingerie, the ability to perform the "perfect" strip tease, give the "perfect" blowjob, or otherwise be a man's fantasy-blow-up-doll-come-to-life) -- may not be a reflection on our sexual self-possession, but a reflection on
how we've been brainwashed to cater to the male gaze.
It's time that we take a good, discerning look at how
misogyny often underlies the context in which women feel sexually empowered.
Ladies and gentlemen -- what are your thoughts on the subject? Are changes in order? If so, what can we do to make these changes?
image source
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Comments (15)
I thought that submissives had all the power? They are able to stop their play any time they want with their safe word, but I might have missed the point of your blog. Anyway keep writing this was very interesting.
Here's the thing, it is only objectification when the person participating in it feels objectified by it. As long as I was a willing participant, I've never felt like I was being objectified whether I chose to play a sexually submissive or dominant role. One thing I have never understood is why some people feel dissonant when they consider themselves a feminist yet they want to look "feminine", be a housewife, be submissive etc. None of those things are anti-feminist. Anti-feminist is telling a woman that in order to be a "real woman" she has to act, look, or behave in a certain way. Misogyny is misogyny; not a woman allowing her significant other make her his bitch for the night. Misogyny is not the fact that men fantasize about women that look a certain way. Don't women have their fantasies? Misogyny underlies the fact that people view prostitutes, strippers, and porn stars as second class citizens that can't be forced into a sexual act no matter how abhorrent it may be because that is what they are for. Misogynist beat their wives, not wish they'd wear a pretty bra and some lipstick every now and then.
Most women and men in my age range have bought the idea that their physical existence is primarily for the convenience of others. As you alluded to, it's a message drummed into us via marketing using mass media. It's a rare person who can fully disbelieve that lie and seek a more fulfilling view of human purpose, which is a lot of why the women I meet don't end up in a relationship with me despite the fact that we really like each other. I'm looking for someone who doesn't believe the lie.
To answer your question about who's really in the driver's seat, it's the folks trying to drive sales up for their cosmetic products and services, their magazines and television programmes, their movies and And most of them don't care about subjugation based on gender. Their goals are apathetic to misogyny and misandry. They'll steamroll both men and women without a second thought.
i'll agree, and mention that i found your post nicely perceptive of the subtleties of our desires. it's interesting how sex is one place where our inner selves surface; it teaches us something about ourselves and of course the society that developed us.
sometimes exploring our dark desires allow us to come to terms with them. playing out taboo fantasies can help us let go of the 'shameful' aspects, and hopefully leaves us with an appreciation for what healthy pleasures they may bring us. a transubstantiation, if you will.
i enjoyed your post; i seem to think about these things too.
the fact that 50 shades of grey is written by an ugly woman, who resembles john goodman in drag, is enough to make me puke! why didn't she ghost write as a hot guy instead
I like roleplaying, so we switch it up. he worships me for a while, then I worship him. I like to call it worship than objectify, humiliate, or dehumanize. I don't like being called demeaning words. I like being called powerful words. I'm not your slut, I'm madamoiselle sexylegs to you mon cherie
I saw my crush again today and oh mon dieu! that gentleman should buck me hard! that's how intense I feel about him
I'll do whatever he wants
I can't stand it! how can someone be that sexy...UGHHH!!!! he irritates me in a sexy way that it is unbearably divine
he has the power over me because he is just...bothers me tenderbits
I really want to tell him how I feel, but I can't or I'm not suppose to. he's married damnit!
I can't type more or else I'll knock someone out! :D he hypnotized me and doesn't even realize it or does he know but is secretly smiling
I think I saw him checking me out the other day
*wishful thinking*
Very good write. I think your commenter made a wholely valid point. I am also confident that the solution largely wraps around, and is central to, us tuning out the media as much as humanly possible. That begins with keeping it out of our homes, especially in it's darkest and most abundant form, television. You can't make it through a half hour without a show and/or series of commercials attempting to define the sexes in an unhealthy emotion, mental and physical way. Particularly women are the victim of this, but i applaud you(what ever that may mean from a stranger) for giving nod to the point that men are also victims of this. A song comes to mind, perhaps the most powerful and blunt song on the topic i know of. That song was written in the sixties, and is just about as true today, if not more so, then it was at the time of it's penning. You've very possibly heard of it, "Woman Is The Nigger Of The World", written by Yoko Ono and sung by John Lennon. One of his more under-discussed songs. But again, i believe that if we don't take the enemy out of our lives, things will only get worse, not better. Right now the generation coming into it's teen years is really in dire straights when it comes to self worth and empowerment. If we don't do something for ourselves and step in and do something for them, their years ahead are going to be of the greatest struggle, as will ours.
It's not just the media, it is society too. Women are here for the sexual pleasure of men, nothing else. We aren't allowed to breastfed in public because we are exposing our goods to the world, when they should be reserved for only our husbands. I was raised to be quiet and do what the man says. All these magazines fail to talk about how a woman should ask her man to please her... it's all about her pleasing him. (I don't read men's magazine so I don't know what they are being told.)
But really women do need to stop, think, and separate what society/the media dictates and look to see if stuff like BDSM is really something they like... or simply something they want to do only because they enjoy the response from men. I don't think it is healthy because then it will extrapolate to other areas and women will continue to not speak up for themselves.
I have no deep dark side to explore. I don't think every person does. It seems to exist in greater numbers of men either because of biology or environment, I'm not sure.
Honestly I think a lot of this is driven by the competitiveness of women with one another. Look at any runway fashion show, that stuff is not geared at attracting men, it's geared at women who want to outdo other women.
Men like sex. truly, they don't need us to look like supermodels in order to want to have sex with us. Of course they respond to beauty, etc etc. But I think the real drive here is WOMEN looking at Victoria Secret ads and wanting to be as good as or better than those gals. We want to outsex one another, and the men stand on the sidelines and reap the benefits of our sexual mud wrestling.
No matter how many articles we read reminding us that the most important thing is that we feel good about how we look, lurking in most of us is the desire to look better than HER. To be sexier than HER. To attract more goggle eyed men than HER.
Most women are not currently competing to be the most caring mother and comforting home maker. Many women buck at the idea that that is a viable role. Boys grow up seeing women compete to be hotter than the next one. They watch their own mothers get facelifts, tummy tucks, and go to zumba classes making those things a priority, if that is what they come to expect from women, we have been a large part of supporting that expectation.
If this is pushed by the media, which is there to sell...it's because women are buying the product and the idea. If something else made more media bucks, the media would push that instead. Media rakes in dough from feeding on women's insecurity that they are not as sexy as the next women.
I've seen lots of different scenarios in porn, and I still find rape and abusing each other a turn off. If men like blowjobs, then that's just their nature. Had you never told them to like that, they'd still like it. It's much like pedophiles, homos, lezys, feminists, nazis, and any other small minorities out there: nobody really encourages such behaviour, yet they're like that. It's just how they feel.
Through objectifying each other we learn about ourselves and the way we are. It seems normal to me. It would be weird to think that I need a bf who loves me when all I really am is horny. A cute friend will do, or even my fingers will be fine. It's how I am.
I guess it seems natural to me.
The fantasy of being dominated is actually common to both men and women, and the more powerful or higher the man's stature, the more likely they are to have this fantasy.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - Erika you have made some really really smart and insightful comments lately. I appreciate your insight!!! Seriously I do. You are very smart!
@ccccourage@xanga - I have never once tried to compete with another woman, not even close. But I do see it all the time and it boggles my mind. Women do have some ownership in it.
This is all supposition wound in theory and wrapped in rhetoric.
For starters, there's the problem of perception. The top minds of the past 300 years have been pounding away at that problem, not only with no success, but with no theories of success. For you to claim perception to be a concept of social structure is not only false (because people outside of your social structure, and in different ones, also perceive things), but would lead to some serious ethical concerns... like people being able to predict election outcomes with 100% accuracy, or establish marketing brands that addict consumers with advertisements alone.
Then we get to Jane Fonda, who wants women to hold 51% of positions of "influence" (Which naturally, she gets to decide which ones count) because 51% of the population is female. Demographic representation is a terrible idea, because it is as chaining a concept as possible, and frankly, diametrically opposed to the core tenant of feminism, the "ability to make your own path." This is about a hop and a skip away from giving all third graders a placement test, and then determining their career path from the results... no switching allowed.
As for "culture of rape", "legacy of misogny and violence", and "dehumanized"... I applaud this commentator's thesaurus, but see no actual meaning tied to any of these phrases. Our current societal system is CONSIDERABLY less tolerant of rape than ANY society in the past... is one of the few societies in history who has created a core citizenship that will stand up and cry foul at the mere mention of the word "slavery"... and is certainly a long way evolved from our animal neighbors, where the biggest and baddest keep 10 or 12 mates and everyone else goes off to die alone in the forest. The fact that we do suppress these urges until we're at least behind a closed door in a back bedroom shows that we don't consider rutting in the street to be a cultural standard, or a socially acceptable part of life. Law of large numbers, outliers will exist. We cannot define our behavior because of their actions, nor attempt to change it because of their choices.
Finally, we can get to the actual psychology, where we see time and again that sexual "deviants" who experience fantasies like yours are much more widespread than we would like to admit, and are rarely themselves the sexual abusers. Surveys on this very site show that at least some fuzzy handcuffs are considered pretty standard bedroom fare, at least enough for people to show them off via the internet to strangers. This is no more indicative of their psychosocial state of mind then the colour of their hair or the fact they have a blogsite. One aspect of a person's personality does not make a person, and one facet of a society does not define each of its inhabitants. There were scholars in Sparta, and scribes in the Mongol Hordes.
Just because somebody puts a picture of a sexy woman on the cover of a magazine, doesn't mean they are implanting thoughts in the minds of anyone. And a man is free to appreciate, value, and adore a woman for any reason he chooses... be it her appearance, her skill as a scholar, her ability to make him laugh, her parenting practices, her baked flan, or just the way she knows when he needs a hug.
I disagree with the main premise of the article, though once again it is well written.
i must once again take issue with the photo used for the post.. i mean after closer inspection i know it's her leg, but it looks like she has some kind of strange abdominal bulge.
Don't have time to read this right now, but an ever so slight correction: I'm fairly certain BDSM refers to B&D, Bondage and Discepline; D&S, Dominance and Submission; and S&M, Sadism and Masochism.