She was here before you; now, she's here during you. She knows all the things you're currently in the process of learning. She's the one he goes to when he wants a woman's perspective that may involve you, a sibling, or his mother. She's been labeled as a "non-threat," but her very existence makes you uncomfortable, in every sense of the word. But should it?
Could you be in a relationship with someone whose ex is now a friend and very much a part of their life?
It's a tough question to ponder. In a situation where you're getting to know someone on all levels, there are a lot of things to consider. For example, the nature of their current relationship, the cause of it ending, the length of it and the last time they were intimate. All of this should've been discussed prior to beginning your relationship. But entering the situation and viewing it from afar, are two different ball games.
For one, your significant other should make sure that you are comfortable with the situation. Granted, she was there before you. But, now that you are a part of his life, there should be a respectful line drawn. No late night calls or texts. No unannounced trips to their place (from her, of course). You should be the one they now put their trust in to talk to. This is a partnership. If they can't come to you, what's the point?
But, through it all, confidence and trust are key. If that's nonexistent, no amount of talking and negotiating will matter.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone whose friendship with their ex made you uneasy? Should you care if they are still friends? Image Source
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Comments (27)
think less like Days of Our Lives and more like Seinfeld.
"Have you ever been in a relationship with someone whose friendship with their ex made you uneasy?"
Yeah.
@Dungeonbrownies@xanga - Trust is a game.
Yes I'm currently in a situation like this now and well im a jealous person .. I still care if my girlfriend and her exes still talk because maybe the exe still has feeling for my girlfriend and she just cant let go.
I don't think I can. I'm not insecure; I just don't like it. I would hope that if I am his girlfriend, he would come to me instead of going to her and late night calls and texts? Yeah, that better not be happening.
Might be dealing with it right now. I just started talking to a new guy whose ex is BFFs with his entire family. I don't want to be a hypocrite about it because I'm still talking to my on/off guy too. We've been through so much with each other that we can remain friends even after everything because I was friends with him for a long time before anything happened (on/off guy).
When I was hanging out with the new guy's family, his mom even mentioned the ex's name and that everyone still likes her. They've also went to the same high school and everything like me and my "ex."
She moved and is in a different state now but I'd rather not have to deal with that, but then that would mean I'd probably have to cut off my "ex," too. Hoping everyone is mature enough, including me to deal with this. I've been in some prettttttty awkward situation. Was in one last night with the new guy and the old guy. The "ex" dropped me off to see the new guy's family where they live and my "ex" actually met new guy's parents, but the new guy wasn't there, working. I'm room mates with the new guy's cousin so that's why my "ex" is sort of in an awkward position, too.
I am "the lingering ex". I don't have any feelings for him, but a lot of people see it differently. We grew up together and our parents are close, so it's not as easy as saying "see you around". He'll never be totally out of my life because our parents are close and we're not about to let our past relationship get in the way of a lifelong family friendship.
Quote from an old college friend of mine...
"If you ever really want to take his attention off an ex, you have two options. Make him a triple cheese coated angus and bacon burger, or take your shirt off. If neither works, you have bigger problems than an ex."
I can, because I'm friends with most of my exes, and they're not a threat to my boyfriend. I would never ask someone to remove their ex from their life (y'know, it annoys me that people think they can legitimately control anyone's life; my ex's girlfriend asked him to stop speaking to me because she felt threatened, annnd we still speak anyway!) because I know it's silly, useless, and rude. Yes, there may always be a twinge of fear or "what-if" scenarios when you're spending a lonely night in. But if you stay in that relationship, you've chosen to take that risk, and I assume it's because you really care about this person. Suck it up, because if something happens, it really wouldn't have mattered if you were in the picture or not, it would've happened anyway; and that just makes the person a dick for not respecting their relationship enough with you to not put the brakes on in that type of situation. The choice is obviously up to you, but you can miss out on a lot of great people who just happen to be friends with their exes. Life's too short to hold grudges, give up quality friendships and pass on people who have a past.
I just broke up with my boyfriend over this issue. He was friends with an ex and friends with a former co-worker. Both of these friendships bothered me at a gut level from the start, but I chose to deny my intuition. More than a year later, we were living together. He began being distant and spending more and more time away. He dismissed my attempts to talk about my concerns as being "jealous" and "insecure". Though I had never snooped his things before, an opportunity came up to do so and so I picked up his cell phone and discovered that he had been lying to me by omission for some time. He had been talking and emailing his ex, flirting and going way out of his was to hang out with a former co-worker. The kicker was he was sending flirtatious emails to a female massage therapist that he had been having appointments with behind my back. Although she was very professional towards him, it was what he wrote that led me to believe we were headed in different directions. I broke up with him and the truth is, I knew he was the kind of man who needed more female attention than I was comfortable with at the beginning of the relationship. I should have ended it at the beginning instead of choosing to deny my real feelings about his female friends. My time would have been better spent listening to my gut feeling and intuition, instead of lying to myself and him by trying to be the "cool girlfriend" who "understands".
@Sue - Wow! I'm sorry to hear about that. I actually recently wrote about female intuition too, that's crazy
http://www.datingish.com/767209932/i-have-a-funny-feelingsomething-isnt-right/
No. I put possible lifelong friendships above my romantic relationships. Of course there will be a point where I will prioritize my SO above everything and everybody but they have to really gain that rank. Why? Because I've been in situations where I've given up everything and everybody (cutting ties with people that my bf didn't like at the time) for somebody only to have them fuck me over completely when I discover the mountain of lies that they've been hiding from me. So, nope I don't control people and they can't control me. I love my friends and they will ALWAYS be there. Everyone understands how altruistic I am so if I become a bit distant from them,cuz of a relationship they don't get offended because I am always there if I'm needed. And they will be there even after the break up. But what about romantic relationships? They don't usually last and what are the chances of salvaging a friendship from a broken relationship?
@Sue - I think that a guy who would go behind his gf's back and flirt with his ex, will go behind his gf's back and flirt with anyone who gives him that opportunity. He just wasnt a stand up guy...the feeling in your guy probably wasnt about her being an ex, but the feeling that he was not over her.
When my ex and I first started dating and I met his ex, I never had a bad feeling about her, we hit it off from day one and are like family to each other now. She was never a threat to our relationship, but other girls he's never even dated gave me a horrible feeling...for good reason as it turned out!
So, as it would turn out, he now has not one lingering ex, but two. We're both close to his family and have a lot of the same friends (we knew many of the same people even from before we met) Neither of us are a major part of his life, no late night calls or texts etc... but the last two girls he dated insisted he have nothing to do with us out of insecurity/jealous issues, and that ended up causing more problems.
I cant fathom a guy forbidding me to talk to my friends.if he distrusts me that much, and wants that much control over me, I woudnt want anything to do with him.
I don't mind when an ex is part of my significant other's life. I let him know that I'll end it if he cheats on me. I don't put up with that. I'm into open communication, even about the hard stuff. I'm able to let my significant other know that I'm not going to tolerate being cheated on and that I won't stick around if it doesn't feel like there's room for me as well. I wouldn't expect him to stick around in the same situation. I'm friends with a few exes. One of them is like a brother to me, and nothing more. We're close and there are times when I'll stay up all night talking to him, so I understand being close with an ex. I would fully support it as long as it wasn't getting to the point where he might as well still be dating her instead of me. At that point, I would tell him what I was feeling about the situation and try to get to the bottom of what's been going on. If it's reasonable, then I'd see if it will just blow over. If it's not, then I'd leave. We all need people that we can talk to that isn't JUST our significant other. Yes, we should talk to them, lots, but sometimes other perspectives and insights are needed. I feel like it's important to be civil, understanding, and aware.
I just had to deal with this situation. My on-again, off-again long term boyfriend recently started talking to his ex again. After a while my gut instinct was telling me something may be up. I told him that we were trying to work things out and it would be easier if she wasn't in the picture. He has stopped talking to her, for now. I don't feel controlling. I would do the same for him if he really felt threatened. Obviously it depends on the situation
CAN SOMEONE HELP ME???
Im dealing with this right now!
The difference is, they have kids together, so its REASONABLE and LOGICAL that obviously they are going to be talking etc because they need to discuss the kids. SHE lives around the block.
She cheated on him and moved her new boyfriend into the family home.. weird little family there... they moved out about 3 weeks ago and i moved in.
She wanted us all to be buddies and go on group outing together (her, her BF, me and my BF).. I said HELL EFFING NO. Im dating Jay, I dont need or want to be hanging out with HER and her BF.
She has now sent me emails saying that Im rude, that Im an immature 21 year old, and that obviously Im threatened by her. She also called me a host other rude names.
She also said that Jay hides conversations they have from me because they know I will have a tantrum about it. And she said she will always be close to him and will make sure she always is and that i better get used to it.
I was fuming but ignored her petty email because im not sinking that low.
She told Jay that she apologises for being mean to me, but I think.. Bitch, if you can abuse me in an email you can apologise to me in another one. Dont use a messenger.
He has told me he is keeping her out of his life except for things with the kids, but Ive dont teh naughty and checked his phone, and she is texting him about shit like what she went shopping for, and if he doesnt reply straight away she starts getting mad at him and he just says sorry.
WTF?
I feel so mad that she wont back off, am I wrong here? Do i need to talk to him more? He keeps telling me he is telling her off but I dont feel like he is and she is certainly not abiding by that anyway...
Someone give me advice of a way to cool down, because IM this close to going and throwing eggs on her house and in her pool...
@Endrath@xanga - That sounds yummy!
@BlankImages@xanga - Okay well the egging bit is immature. I can't imagine that your boyfriend would have wanted to hang out with his ex and the guy she cheated on him with. Ballsy of her to suggest it. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Anyway... if you trust him, it shouldn't matter if she's texting him constantly. He's got to stay on her good side if he wants to avoid hella legal drama regarding the kids. It sucks, but that's how these things go. She might just be acting this way to get under your skin, and it's working. I do know a guy who kept shit from his girlfriend just to avoid the drama, and the stuff he was hiding, he absolutely was not doing anything wrong according to anyone else's standards (other than those who think that all members of the opposite sex should be dead as far as a significant other is concerned).
OP: I'm not the jealous type. He chose me over any other woman. He chose me over someone else who was interested in him when we got together. (I got eye daggers for that one.) I have a guy friend that used to have a huge crush on me. He's married now. Anyway, he and I still text. He works nights so sometimes we'll be texting super late at night, but it's nothing my husband needs to worry about. None of my ex-boyfriends are even a teeny part of my life. I'm still friends with my "ex-girlfriend" but my husband really doesn't have to worry about her. lol
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - I know the egging is immature lol, one minute I really think she needs to get a life and I ignore her, the next she is well and truely under my skin and I want to egg her house. Fact is, i have a million immature things I want to say and do but instead I do the right thing, becuase i really dont want to sink to that level, and I dont want to make things hard.
It was ballsy of her, also I did send one email saying I did not want to fight and that I was just dating Jay, and I did not want to be involving myself in her family at all, and that I thought that she would like that. She then sent more back saying we were the same person and liked the same stuff and I should be her friend.. it was all aggressive though and I just didnt respond. ...
ALL i know is, i only looked at his emails once, because he left it open and he is keeping everything from her deleted from the inbox and the sent mail... becuase he showed me some emails and then they were all gone.. and he always said I could use his phone, but now he has started putting a lock on his phone...
So I am feeling edgy. When I ask him whats going on he is really really vague and wont answer for ages...
like as far as the kids and stuff its all been legally sorted now. they are not divorced yet though.. but she rang him up the other day to tell him she is now engaged and did he think it was too soon...
I personally think she has a control issue where she wants to have all men in her life and have control over them, and trying to piss me off.
Im just pissed now because their poor daughter (who loves me lol) is sick and needed to go to hospital. Jay had to take her and he kissed me bye this morning and left, 10 minutes later i hear a car in the drive, and i thought he must be back to get something so I went out, and he was getting in HER car with all the kids.... and he looked really shocked and guilty.. i was really shocked.. i just went back inside.
He hasnt text or called.
I dont know why he said he was leaving, only for me to come and spring the whole family? Why would he even lie about that? If they are all going, then fine.. but why not just tell me that?
this is why i stress
I would be a "Lingering Ex" aha.
My ex is still my best friend. To this day. We are nothing but friends. I would really hope that when he does get a new girlfriend, she respects that & doesn't try to make him choose. Because she would lose out. In turn, I would welcome her in full, I just want my best friend to be happy. I would want him to be with someone who makes him feel alive, he was my friend before my boyfriend & friends, best friends we remain.
I would never push her away or make her feel like "there's something between my ex & I." Who knows? Maybe I'll make a great new friend!
@syringesofglitter_x@xanga - I was just in this situation! She asked him to choose and he picked me. He's been my best friend for five years and we were in a motorcycle accident together so I honestly do not know whyyy she thought he would just stop talking to me. But I do want him to find a sweet girl who is confident in herself because the last chick totally suffered from dependent personality disorder.
@BlankImages@xanga - Honestly, I usually go with the blunt, direct approach to things with my husband. I'd probably end up starting a fight, to tell you the truth. I wouldn't appreciate him acting sketchy, and if he were making it hard to trust him, I'd say so. Probably, "I love you and I normally trust you but you aren't acting like yourself lately and I want to know what the fuck is going on. I don't appreciate being treated this way and you wouldn't either."
I'm not necessarily suggesting you take that route as I don't know either of you, but that's how I would deal with it. *shrug*
No..I have cut ties with my EX..I dont want to even
SEEhis face...Much less a new girl curled around his arm.
I'm sorry but I'm a grown man and I wouldn't feel comfortable with another man near my girl especially if it's an ex. It's not that I'm insecure I'm just realistic.
I have one ex who I remained friends with but we dated for all of like 2 days in college but the rest of the year were good friends. We just didn't work out romantically. When my husband and I first met, I was talking to my ex as well and he was in a serious relationship so we were just bullshitting.
I cut ties with him years ago though when my husband and I got serious. All the guys I dated for any real length of time and I broke up on more than bad terms. I have them all blocked online and got my number changed. I avoid them and they avoid me and we're happy that way. He can't stand either of his exs either so neither of us have to worry about it. I don't think I've ever been in a situation but I have become friends with a few of my ex's exs because we had similar interests, hobbies and personalities.
It's funny because I had this situation somewhat happen to me. I mean, I'm really good friends with my ex because we can talk just about anything, we listen to each other's problems, and we like a couple of the same things but the feelings aren't there anymore. We are just friends. So anyways, we're broken up for a couple months and still friends on FB and I see him dating girl after girl (not necessarily in a player kind of way) but he'll tell me what he likes and doesn't like about them then possibly moves on. I think he gets bored of relationships pretty quick but isn't looking for easy hook ups. ?:o Weird. Anyways, he gets with this one chick and I'm kinda hurt because it looks like it might work out for a change and that rouses some crap emotions out of me.
So, for some reason, she starts taking his phone and texts me at random times of the day. When he gets his phone back, I get a little upset like "why are you telling her about me? WHAT are you telling her?" He insists it's all good stuff she's just curious about me and what I have to say about myself about mine and his relationship. By this time I'm bored with the situation. I answer all her questions (even about sex with him) with brutual (lying) honesty hoping she'll go away. Sadly, they dated for about 2 years, when he finally got bored with her. It was about a year and a half into their relationship that him and I had just kinda drifted apart. So when I heard she was gone, I was eager to talk again and have my friend back.In conclusion, was I the "lingering ex"? Or was she the "annoying current"? Haha.
I should probably add that being friends with my ex til this day had little effect on my current boyfriend. At first, my bf was like "No." But I literally had to tell him that I would choose my ex over him if he made me choose. That shut him up fast. This was in our first few months dating, now we've been together for over a year and I'm still friends with my ex and there are/have been no problems :) Part of me wants them to be friends because I think it would work since they have similar interests and hobbies, but what if they love each other too much?? :o Lol. But part of me wants to keep it all separate because I don't want them jabber-jawing about me when I'm not looking :P So my ex isn't really lingering. He's there when I need a friend (vice versa) and that's it. :)