Thursday, 16 August 2012
Let me begin by telling you about myself. I’m a Chinese American female, world-apathetic parents, five one, close to overweight, probably exhibit signs of a Napoleonic complex, like 90% sure all of my important romantic relationships will be with guys, assign different types of trust to each of my friends, and tend to seem rather tired if one met me on the street somewhere.
In high school, my AP US History teacher, a loud and unpopular girl in the year below me, my bisexual/asexual best friend, myself, and a bunch of other people kick-started the school’s comatose GSA. We organized a faculty meeting, interviewed students, created gift baskets and visited the Ali Forney Center, and made events surrounding the Day of Silence that included going around with paper hearts for people to sign and stick on a designated poster on a designated wall, and fundraisers with informational booklets.
We had speakers from the local gay community come in. There was frustration and school board bureaucracy. It was pretty legit. I’m almost positive I got into college at least partially because I had all this stuff to list. Also, Academic Decathlon. It pays, in medals, to have a low GPA sometimes.
At that time, I was fairly certain I was in the S part of the GSA like the majority of the girls we had.
It’s really only come to my attention this summer that I’ve probably been in love with a girl since 8th grade. I had pushed her out of my life rather violently in sophomore year for reasons that I couldn’t really make sense of (not that I was trying too hard) until now, and we had just sort of reunited in July.
It wasn’t an apologetic reunion; we just caught up and took a walk in the park. It was nice and nerve-wracking and I think I adopted a very shaky tone for nearly the entire 4 hours we talked. (It might just be psychological because every time I ask someone if my voice is off, and I have some terribly blunt friends, they have no idea what I’m talking about.) And then I went home.
Afterwards, I realized I had taken her out of my life because I couldn’t see myself being able to follow her down the road she was going. I questioned my decision, because I was still in love with her.
Now, it’s not like I couldn’t go for it. She’s not in a relationship and she’s also bisexual. My boyfriend of a year and a half and I are downgrading to a friendship starting this fall because he’s going off to college and I’m staying home for it. And we’re not highly emotional crazy kids, so relationships in-between, even though we’re convinced we’re in love, are highly recommended. Also, he wants me to hook up with a girl so bad. I just don’t really want to.
It’s not about denying myself for my family or anything. I know that I’m still in love with her, but I don’t want a teenager’s relationship full of drama and pain.
While we weren’t friends, I’d hear over and over about her dramatic male and female relationships and I don’t doubt she’s grown since college started, it hasn’t been that long. Besides this girl, I’ve never really felt attracted to girls at all. I think it’s stupid for shows like Glee to have a character like Santana, whom I adore otherwise, who falls in love with one girl and then assumes she’s a lesbian. It doesn’t work like that, at least not all the time.
There are definitely people out there like Michael Buckley of the WhattheBuck Show on YouTube who know they’re gay from the time they’re little, the “born gay” people. I think Tyler Oakley and Kingsley have similar stories. But when I hear people using the argument, “Why would you CHOOSE to be gay? Of COURSE they were born gay!” I think about how much that cuts out of the human spectrum and how ignorant it is of world influence.
I don’t disbelieve that there are genes that influence sexuality, but I’ve never once believed that there’s a specific gene that can be switched to hetero, homo, or bi. Sexuality is so much more than a handful of terms and labels. There ARE people who choose to go down the homosexual route, even though they might have felt attraction to the opposite gender. There ARE people who choose to go down the heterosexual route, even though they realize the effect the same sex might have on them.
People get angry at the word “phase” but phases happen. The environment tends to be more powerful than genes when it comes to cognitive emotion. The island of Lesbos was teeming with bisexuals before Greek Christians tore the place apart. It doesn’t make sense that it was ONLY genes and not the community that contributed to that.
And it hurts, that if this type of imperfect sexuality is played out in the media, it’s for laughs or it gets a negative reaction (Glee again, Blaine and Rachel kiss, Kurt gets pissed, Blaine kisses her again, no sparks, therefore: no harm, no foul. Seriously?).
It hurts that I’m not a common enough situation to care about. It hurts that I feel like not choosing her is hurting a cause my friends and I belong to and it hurts that if I tell any of my friends about her besides my boyfriend, I’ll feel obligated to act on feelings I don’t want to act on because it’ll help prove something to someone, and if I don’t, it’ll be taken like I’m afraid of the feelings when it simply isn’t true.
Have you been in such a situation? What are your thoughts?