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I have a friend named "Alice," and she has just been dumped- hard. She was dating this guy "Benjamin" for a few months. Then, last June, Benjamin dumped her. It came as a complete surprise to Alice but not to the rest of us because basically Benjamin was a jerk. He treated Alice really badly, like he was doing her some huge favor by dating her. He clearly thought he could do better and every time I saw the two of them at a party, Benjamin was always trying to flirt with one of Alice's classmates.
Total douche, seriously.
Anyway, apparently Benjamin had a HUGE crush on Alice's pal "Caroline," but Benjamin never had the guts to ask Caroline out because she had a boyfriend of her own. Finally one night when we all went out for karaoke, I ended up making out with some middle-aged Korean dude (don't ask), Alice spent half the evening puking up marshmallow vodka and Benjamin ended up confessing all his feelings to Caroline at the bar. (I have no idea where Caroline's boyfriend was at that moment. I know he came out with us that evening, though.)
Caroline subsequently decided to break up with her boyfriend and date Benjamin.
Benjamin dumped Alice and now he and Caroline have smoochy, happy, golden photos all over Facebook. Alice is devastated. I've tried-I mean, TRIED-to be a good friend to Alice! Seriously! I've taken her out to Starbucks and asked her if she wanted to talk about it and everything, but it's all been a bust.
Alice just sits there and mopes or cries. She looks at other hot chicks in the room and says, "If I looked like that, I bet Benjamin wouldn't have dumped me." She asks how long me and other friends "knew" about Benjamin's feelings for Caroline. Then she cries again. It has been such a drag to be around her lately. All my other friends say that I have to wait it out, but I just don't know what to do.
What do you say to a friend who's just been dumped besides the usual clichés?
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Comments (41)
okay... what a mess.
if she's really going to rationalize the breakup by saying if she had looked a certain way, he would have never left her... then tell her to do something about it. go work out, go get your hair done... inquire about plastic surgery.
seriously... so many fish in the sea... move on.
Your friends are right.... wait it out. Help build her confidence back up, and don't give up on her. Treat her how you would want to be treated.
You really just have to wait it out and be supportive. When she looks at other girls and says things like that, you tell her that's a load of crock. That guy was a douche and she deserves better. Don't let her hype up this guy that treated her so poorly. Just be there for her and let her work it out. The only way you can help is to be supportive and let her know that she's loved. I think it would be a good idea to get rid of Caroline and Benjamin on facebook too. She doesn't need to see those pictures.
Either way offer her friendly advice, a shoulder to lean on, and feel free to trash that guy if it makes her feel better. She'll get better with time and hopefully she'll realize how awful that guy was to her.
@oneLBcloser@xanga - @ulvenNixie@xanga -
What ^they^ said.
she's crying after a whole fucking year over a guy she dated for a few months? how old are you guys, 12? she needs a therapist or a slap in the face, not a friend. oh, and for what it's worth, i bet he wouldn't have dumped her if she was hotter, too. let her know i said she can get over it--50% of the world is of below-average attractiveness. somehow, i think she'll survive.
by the way, i am quite interested in your story about the middle-aged korean dude.
please don't have parties with vodka without me again, kthx.
Honestly, I dunno why some people obsess over that sort of stuff. You have to let it go.
I think many many people in this world are just assholes. Tell her that. It happens. And she didn't seem to have devellopped a good jerk-radar yet, or she would have noticed what you all noticed.
I have a feeling that she stayed with him bc she felt like she couldn't
get anything 'better' either, and 'agreed' with him on what he seemed to
imply. Of course he might have made it worse, but I feel like she
entered this relationship with a low self esteem and therefore stayed in
it despite his jerkiness. And now her fear has come true- she has been
left for someone 'better than her'. In short a general self-esteem issue. So maybe work on that with her.
She first has to decide who she wants to be for herself and then find someone who accepts it, otherwise I don't think she'll be happy.
just let her know that you're there for her if she needs you. i think anyone in a state of helplessness feels comforted by the idea of knowing that someone is there and that they care.
Waiting it out is basically the best, and only thing to do because those things heal over time. Although no one has technically left me for someone else, they have cheated on me. It wasn't based on looks, It was based on how easy those girls were.... I used to wonder why all these reallly ugly girls (I know looks are just based on opinions but....) would get all these guys all the time. Then I realized it was because they were just sluts. lol.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - :)
Did you say marshmallow vodka!??!?!?!
Pretty much what everyone else said, you will just have to wait it out. I was Alice once. I moped, I cried, I was just down all the time for 7 - 8 months. The girlfriend of over 3 years dumped me because she wanted to experience "the college life." I knew that I was being a burden to my friends who try really hard to help me out. But, I couldn't pull myself out of the hole. As much as you would do anything to help Alice out, she is the only one to make amends for herself and be happy again. Give it time.
You could always tell her, "There is nothing wrong with you. "Benjamin" broke up with you because of "Benjamin," and you had nothing to do with it."
those bears are adorable
you give her a hug and say, "I'll be here whenever you need someone to listen or talk to."
Ok so its been a year.. good on you for sticking by her this long! (Ive been the friend in your place, its not easy).. here a few things that work..
Throw a "pity party" chick flicks, chocolate/ice cream (comfort food) and alcohol are usually good too. Movies like "He is Just Not That Into You", "How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days" and such are good.. and I strongly suggest Magic Mike as soon as you can get it on a DVD. (<-- i swear this movie pushed one of my good friends out of her funk from her ex cheating on her! Do not know how, but it worked).
Let her talk, ramble, and throw fits as much as she needs. It will pass, at some point.
Then encourage her to find ways to move on... IF she has to defriend some of her FB people so she cannot see those pictures, then she should do that.
If all else fails, you might need to be GENTLY honest with her. Sit her down with a good strong drink and say "look, its been this long. I really care about you, I hate to see you hurting, but girl, you need to move on. Its over with him. How can I help?? " This is not an easy conversation to have, she might be nice and comfortable in her role as "sad friend" but with a gentle kick in the butt you might help her out of it, when she is ready.
Tell them when they're done wallowing in their own self pity you'll gladly be there for them, but until then you're not gonna sit around and watch the nonsense. Too easy.
What the fuck? Marshmallow vodka?!
@isitreal_no@xanga - yeah, it's a new smirnoff brand that came out simultaneously with a whipped cream flavor. they had this really controversial advertising that said "would you prefer to be whipped or fluffed?" i buy whipped cream vodka a lot, but i buy pinnacle. it's a fan favorite amongst my lady friends (which is pretty much the only reason i buy it, cause it's only 70 proof). my friend tried the smirnoff marshmallow when i was out of town one weekend and she told me it was terrible. pinnacle might make the same flavor, too. they have a bunch of them, the only other one that comes to mind is birthday cake flavor (haha).
if you're looking for something else fun, i also recommend rumple minze. it's peppermint schnapps, but stronger than your average schnapps--this one is 100 proof. this one's a fan favorite amongst my guy *and* girl friends (though i don't have too many guy friends, i suppose). if you buy chocolate syrup, you can do these things called peppermint patties, wherein you keep the schnapps in your mouth and squeeze the chocolate syrup in (you should have a friend do it--.the only people i know who can accurately drink out of things without putting their mouth on them are indian). then you swish it around, and voila! peppermint patty. if you enjoy anything i just listed, feel free to buy me a handle as a token of your gratitude :p
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - oh my god! Everything you said sounds SO GOOD. I don't think we have any of it here though (I live in Australia). I'm so sad now...but it's probably a good thing. If we had that stuff over here I'd probably drink every night haha
@isitreal_no@xanga - don't have it?? what the fuck do you people drink then?? don't say beer, i don't qualify that as an alcohol. my friend studied abroad in sydney some years ago (god i can't believe we got so old...) and i'm pretty sure she was drunk everyday for the 4-odd months she was there, haha. you should check the liquor stores if you want the aforementioned items before you assume you don't have them, by the way.
hmm, now that i think about it, another friend of mine was in sydney for a year or two doing her postdoc (or maybe was just lecturing). she complained that there were too many fobs there and it was impossible to get laid, hahahaha. not like that was much different from where we went to grad school. there was an awful lot of rice around campus...
Dude seriously what the fuck if it has seriously been over a year she either needs to get the fuck over it or start keeping it more to herself. Clearly she has mad self esteem issues and at this point she should work on her health, physical and mental, to make herself feel better. She should have been doing that long ago and at this point, if you care, you should tell her that.
Your friend needs a distraction from her pain. A vacation, a hobby, something to occupy her mind. Seems like she's dwelling on the hurt feelings and the self-deprecation because it gives her some sense of... something. I have no idea where she's coming from on this. I've never been that shook up about a boy before, because my self-worth has nothing to do with the opinion of a man.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I mostly drink vodka and tequila...and premixed drinks. Oh and wine. I have been in a few liquor stores lately and I would have noticed marshmallow vodka!!!! But you are right, I could probably get something like it from somewhere here, but it think it would cost a lot. I'm gonna google it now! I'm from Brisbane/Gold Coast (I live in the middle) spent New Years in Sydney last year and there were a lot of fobs! haha it's definitely not impossible to get laid though, though I think as woman you just have to exist and you can probably get someone to have sex with you.
@isitreal_no@xanga - don't google it! browsing liquor stores for shits and giggles is fun--or at least, i think so. there's a liquor store right next to my office, sometimes during lunch i'll go browse, especially if i need to pick something up for the weekend.
i think my friend was complaining cause she doesn't want to fuck fobs. i don't really blame her, i'm not really into foreigners either. in any case, if you want a real nye, you need to do it in new york. start saving up your pennies, you have 4 months!
Seriously it's been over a year??? They've only dated for a few months, I would never be caught dead crying over some dude with that kind of time span, and I'm a hella emotional chick. Seems like this friend of yours needs to stop being pitied and have some sense knocked into her. Why would she want to still be with someone who doesn't give a shit about her?