Tuesday, 14 August 2012
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Hidden Relationship?
This post was submitted anonymously.
I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and I've never met any of his friends or family members. He has few friends because he's more of a loner, but he's very close to his family. Sometimes his brother and cousins will arrange to go out of town for the weekend and his brother will bring his girlfriend, but my boyfriend has NEVER invited me.
Even when they go to local places like an amusement park, they will all go and he'll tell me he's there but he wont invite me to come along. I don't know if it's because he's ashamed of me, and I highly doubt he has another girlfriend. He's had girlfriends in the past and they've all met his brother and cousins; he was with those women for a shorter amount of time.
I have a hard time asking him. It's a really touchy topic for me because the first guy I was ever with was ashamed to tell people we were together, so it's kinda like deja vu. Also, we're not a very public couple. We'll go out to public places but we're not the kind of couple that takes photos together and broadcasts our relationship.I just wanted some advice based on his behavior.
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Comments (40)
@nightmareanatomy@xanga - "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over, but expecting different results."
No two things are ever the same.
“How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” a reporter asked. “I didn’t fail 1,000 times,” Edison responded. “The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”
Your analysis about the BF sounds like it could be spot on, though.
In order to fix the problem you need to properly identify the problem.
Right now you're just ASSUMING the problem is that he's ashamed of you - in which case he needs to suck it up or you need to find someone new.
Just ask. It's a lot harder to fix issues based off assumptions.
maybe it is the other way around and he's embarrassed of his brother and cousins. I wouldn't jump to let my bf meet my family because they are embarrassing. they'll probably make fat jokes and offend my bf. my male cousins brought their gfs to meet their mother and she was very rude and critical of them. she didn't say it to their gfs' face but later told her sons that their gfs were fat/old or dressed like a hooker. so my cousins don't bring their gfs around anymore due to hating what their ahole mother has to say. so his brother and cousins might've made jokes or whatever to his past gfs and embarrassed him or offended his gfs. who knows. or he isn't ready for you to meet them because he let his past gfs meet his family too early, and he wants to let her meet his parents when his relationship is more serious. I wouldn't really bring my bf around to meet my mom unless we're almost engaged or so serious that we're practically married. some people like to hang out together with each other's families casually, so that's their choice. he has his reasons. it isn't necessarily anything shameful. he probably knows that you're a private person and his brother and cousins might be the overwhelming type, who might make you feel uncomfortable if they make fun of you guys as a couple.
Just ask him.
like others have suggested, you need to ask him. but, i will warn you now--be prepared for an answer you're not going to like.
That's just fucking weird. my family is crazy-town.... And I introduced them to my boyfriend after the first month. Granted, we'd been casual friends for awhile, but he'd never been 'formally introduced', but they still knew who he was from stories etc. The fact that this guy didn't introduce you to ANYONE he was really close to is just... the hell with him. If he's too ashamed of his family, or of you to let the groups merge than the hell with him. If this is going to be a long term relationship he's needs to start merging the two seperate parts of his life.
As a guy, I wouldn't introduce my girlfriend to my family either. My family is a splash of crazy here and there. I may introduce them to my mother and my younger sister, but not to my entire immediate family.
I'd also like to point out that my sister brought her boyfriend along to a family event before, but I just don't feel comfortable doing the same.
P.S., It's weird that his, albeit few, friends don't know you though.
My husband's a loner who I was friends with a year before we started dating. That being said I only got to meet specific family members in a very specific order, even though his exes had met them very early on.
I think it has a lot to do with intent and seriousness/ past experiences. I met his Dad last because he hated how his Dad treated people. I seriously met him 5 months before the wedding, we were engaged for 4 months before I met his dad. I didn't meet people fast at all because he was more serious about our relationship and didn't want to scare me off with being too open with his family super fast. (His explanation later on...) I got to meet his family slowly, one or two members of at a time. (After dating for about a year and a half) I only met his friends after a year or so of dating, and I honestly didn't meet some until we were engaged. (Although we had mutual friends, which is how we met.)
tl;dr Basically I don't think your situation is weird, but if you're bothered you should bring it up.
I usually wait a year (or at least until I know things are relatively serious) before introducing a guy to my parents. My mom can be a little nosy, and it's usually just easier to talk about a guy when you know he's not going anywhere.
If you've been together a year and a half, it's worth having the talk-- where is this going?
Is there a reason why things are so hush-hush in public? Work drama? Friend drama?
If it's not something you both agreed on at the outset, it's weird. Maybe he doesn't even realize it's going on. If so, he can fix it. If he does know it's going on, but has no defensible reason-- you can do better.
Good luck!
Look, if you want to know, you need to ask, but you also need to be prepared to get an answer that isn't going to make you happy.
@ljk8675309@xanga - what's wrong with being private about your relationship? I don't have mine broadcast everywhere either, because, well, it's not really anyone else's business. I trust my boyfriend and I don't need the entire world to know whenever we have an argument or whenever we reach some "milestone" in our relationship. Not everyone has to have everything broadcast online for the world to see.
I'm only an fwb to my sudo-guy and he introduced me to his mom dad, brothers and sisters already. It took him a while to do that. I didn't meet anyone until this year and I started hanging out with him in the winter of 2008. I thought he was ashamed of me too or something at first but in a way, I was glad I didn't meet anyone just yet. I'm now really good friends with one of his sisters and all three of us hang out.
If you stick with him long enough maybe he will but the difference between my situation and yours is that we're not bf/gf so I dunno. Sounds like he might have someone else or he just doesn't want you to meet anybody. It could also be like people said that he's embarrassed by his family being judgmental. Who knows unless you ask. Whenever I have a problem with my sudo-guy I always bring it up to him and we talk about it. Even for a fwb we both have very good communication. I guess that's how a non-committed relationship has lasted so long and how we've become great friends in the process.
@Guest - Pseudo
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Do you feel good about yourself correcting people all the time? I've noticed your comments and they come off as arrogant and that you think you're right all the time and no one else is. Get over yourself. I don't care if I spelled it wrong. I know I spelled it wrong but i was too lazy to look it up.
@Guest - That's a good question. The answer is no, I don't. In-fact, I feel incredibly misanthropic and alone in the universe because it seems as though I'm the only one who cares enough to correct myself before I go attempting to correct others. Thank you for providing further evidence that this is the case.
http://t3hz10n.xanga.com/767394193/everyone--/
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." - Stephen R. Covey
If you simply went to my blog and read the very first entry, your reply would've been totally unnecessary.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - You seriously should be Dr. Datingish because you're so "successful" with dating and all right, lol. The people who act all high and mighty on here I've noticed aren't even in long lasting relationships. They use the excuse they don't want to be in one because they like it that way when really no one wants to put up with some of you arrogant asses so you have to settle for being by yourself.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - P.S.
I don't agree with your thoughts at all saying that people know right
away on the first date that it's exclusive. I've had someone do that to
me this old guy and he never asked if I wanted to be with him and
assumed. The thing with that is it I didn't even go out on a date with
him, gross. It is not assumed to be exclusive at all the first date
someone hangs out with someone unless they actually SAY it is exclusive.
@Guest - The keyword being relationshipS genius. If you're in one after another when you want to be in ONE LASTING RELATIONSHIP you are obviously no more "successful" than I am.
If you're happily married for life, then you can assume you are more "successful" than me.
Other than that, what is the point of trying to be successful in a world of failure? Just fucking do it.
MAKE it work and stop blaming everyone else.
@Guest - I don't know about you, but I am in one lifelong committed relationship. It's not my fault the other person is still fucking clueless as to what she wants and what is REALITY and doesn't want to put any effort whatsoever into A ("A" meaning ONE) relationship because she is afraid of failure and disappointment.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - And most importantly BOTH PARTIES have to AGREE to the exclusivity, not just one or the other. Coming from someone who actually experienced what the person was asking I think I know what I'm talking about, thanks.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Like I said before, You should be "Dr. Datingish" because you have ALL the "RIGHT" answers to dating, Yep, lol. By the way I don't have a problem with you giving your opinions, it's when people nicely counter your debate then you go and flame them with some arrogant shit saying,
"Sit down and shut the fuck up because I'm right."
You are not right in fact dating is all subjective there is no one right answer. You can't tell ANYTHING on a first date unless people specifically ask to go out with a person and they agree to it. other than that it's just people getting to know each other.
@Guest - Unlike SOME people I am not an opportunist, I am an optimizationist. So next time instead of starting shit with a jealous little rant, say thank you because I took the time and saved you from having to look up the word for yourself and helped you improve your vocabulary.
"You are not right in fact dating is all subjective there is no one right answer. You can't tell ANYTHING on a first date unless people specifically ask to go out with a person and they agree to it."
You JUST said dating is all subjective and then you go on to say that I am wrong and I can't tell anything on a first date?
Buffer overflow... You're describing yourself, tard.
I can tell everything on a first date.