This post was submitted anonymously.When I was in high school, I dated a boy for 3 years. After we broke up, we continued to have sex. One day,
he had a cut on his lip and he was always known to bite his lip.
He reassured me it was just a cut and went down on me. The day after the next, I broke out in sores. The free clinic here informed me that they could only test for herpes simplex 2, "Because herpes simplex 1 isn't a big enough deal."
I tested negative for HSV-2.
The virus that usually causes oral cold sores, HSV-1, had been contracted to my lower region.
I fell into a deep depression about this. That was 4 years ago and I've never had a break out since. I still have an intense fear to get into a relationship because I'd have to tell the person I have genital herpes.
The words I hysterically cried out to my best friend when I first contracted this virus still haunt me; "Who's going to want to be with someone who has genital herpes? I don't want to be with someone with genital herpes."
People will say, if the person really cares about you, they will learn to deal with it. But honestly, how can someone enjoy sex with me, knowing there is a chance they could contract the virus? I don't even think I could enjoy sex with someone because I'd be worried about contracting it!
Have you been in a similar situation?
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Comments (49)
I think that your strand of Herpes is more common than you think. My only advice: you should definitely be very honest with whoever you're with, as in, tell them you have it. You'll be ok!
Well it could be worse, you could have HIV. I mean, you can't die from herpes, but I imagine it would be rather... inconvenient. However, I think there is a dating site for people who have STDs, it was on one of these datingish posts.
I do wish you the best, and as was noted before, HSV is more common than one would think.wow, i'm really sorry that happened to you. this is why i don't trust anyone anywhere, ever, use a condom every time i fuck, and thoroughly (but subtly) check out a girl's mouth (and nether regions) before i do anything risky. and yes, i have had occasions where i thought she was hiding something, or maybe even didn't know something--and on every single one of those occasions, i have not hesitated to kick her out of my apartment.
that all being said--realistically, using the "if he cares then ____" is kind of a bs statement that naive people use. i assume you engage in sexual activity before you have any invested feelings in any given dude (correct me if this is wrong), and if i brought a girl home on the 3rd date and she told me she had herpes, i'd probably tell her it's not going to work out. after seeing each other for only 2-3 weeks, i'm not going to take that risk, especially when it is highly unlikely i'm going to see her for another 2-4 weeks after that.
i hope that didn't make you feel worse (and if it did, sorry about that...you asked a question, i gave an answer). if it's any solace, i remember on a previous d-ish post about herpes, someone said there's a dating site for people with herpes...
That's really unfortunate, sorry that it happened. Just be honest with your partners before you hook up. You are not the only person with HSV-2 either. If it was given to you, other people have it too.
One of my past bosses saved herself until marriage and had sex with only with her husband, knowing that he had contracted herpes a long time before he knew her. Creams are a part of her everyday life but she loves him and is okay with it. It's not impossible to find someone who will accept you in spite of it.
Wait a minute, you have Herpes virus 1... and that's not the sexually transmitted bad one? I'm confused. As I thought HSV-1 causes cold sores and HSV-2 causes genital sores. I think most people have been infected by HSV-1 when they were kids. You say the HSV-2 test was negative, and you got HSV-1 to your girlie parts but there is no test for HSV-1, so how do you know you even got it?
I would think though that if your boyfriend had a cold sore and spread it to your nether regions it would take longer than the next day to feel symptoms, no? Maybe you should talk this over with a gynecologist and see what they say. Good luck!
Sometimes I make them wear condoms on their tongue too. You hafta be careful about this sorta stuff.
@iKEEPiTCLEAN@xanga - that's an interesting idea
I think that, when you find someone who truly accepts the risks, he'll be someone more special than the rest... :)
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - really, most people have herpes as kids? I only know one or two people who ever had cold sores as a child, and in school from a young age, we were always taught never to share glasses or straws or food and drink with them just in case they got them too. I really wasn't under the impression that it was all that common.
This really blows. I would say just be honest with people in the future, especially knowing how it feels to have someone trick you like that. Some might not stay but it's still better to be honest. Good luck.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - You're from the UK, right? Over here it's really common, mainly because if your family members have it then you're very likely to get it. But I can't really say about the rest of the US, I just know that's the truth for my state. I see someone walking around with a cold sore very often.
I don't think it would bother me. I'd avoid sex during a clear breakout (you don't need to challenge it) and use a condom otherwise, (unless of course I want babies but then I'd get over it) but I never actually heard that anyone suffered immensly from the illness itself.
I have a friend whose mouth is affected and i share food & drinks with her all the time, and she tells me when I can't, she's just open, it's no big deal.
I feel like it's a cultural thing, I only hear all this huge fuss about herpes from the U.S.. Strange. Not that us germans aren't educated about it. Of course people also complain about it, but I never heard that someone was afraid of not being loved, really, never.
I just googled abit 90% of the population (here) carry the hsv1 virus but the majority doesn't expirience symptoms, only 20-30% of the carriers. (explains the lack of fuss and means I probabaly have it too..oh well). In the USA about 57% of the population carry it.
So what I'm saying is, many people live with the virus. Educate your partner too, in case they think they'll die as soon as they sleep with you.
If they get tested on antibodies they can see if they are already, unknowingly a carrier perhaps, so all in all you have a >57% chance that it's no big deal to them .
I'm not sure I'm following you.
You tested negative for HSV-2. They didn't test you for HSV-1. You think you have HSV-1. Did I get that right? Why don't you go to a doctor and insist that they test you for HSV-1 if you're so convinced you have it? If you haven't broken out in 4 years... maybe it was an allergic reaction or something. I would say your best bet to find someone (if you do indeed have it) is refraining from casual sexual activity. Don't have sex with someone until you do actually care about each other. And be sure you tell them about it. Take a medication to prevent outbreaks and use protection.Both forms of herpes are incredibly common. Most people have either strain. The best thing you can do is find a compassionate doctor to talk this through with. Maybe even a counselor of some sort who's educated on this subject. As for finding someone, you will. I'm not saying there won't be some people out there who are affected by the stigma associated with this virus, but you'll be surprised at the amount of caring and loving people in this world.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Either simplex can be transmitted to any place on the body, moist open areas like the mouth, eyes, ears and genitals are most common. If someone has a cold sore, they touch that cold sore and then touch their eyes, genitals, etc. it can infect that area. I know this because I get cold sores and I'm always incredibly careful and I never touch it and I wash my hands constantly.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - Kids get them from parents and relatives most often. You can have the virus and never get a cold sore or a breakout ever and STILL give the virus to people, so kisses on the cheek by an aunt or a grandma could easily pass it along.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Unless they've been tested and you've seen the papers, a thorough investigation doesn't mean anything.. Many STD's lay dormant and show no signs or symptoms.
A great reason for abstinence till marriage.
You don't actually know that you have it, so get tested, actually tested, for it because you might be beating yourself up for nothing. It could have been razor burn, allergic reaction or friction rash, or something else of that nature.
If you do have it, you aren't the only one, so you could find someone else who already has it. Just... maybe don't have kids... not sure if you can prevent transferring it to them? May want to Google that one.
Just an FYI for people who may not realize this - having a pimple is NOT the same as having a cold sore.
This is ridiculous. You don't even know for sure if you have it. Get tested & then get a second opinion to just to be safe, if the tests ARE positive..learn to live with it. It's rough, but at least you don't have HIV like some other comments pointed out.
You might want to do a little reading into the topic of herpes before you scare yourself silly.
http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - As far as I recall, most people had cold sores one time or another when I was a kid. My kids haven't had them yet, so maybe it is less common these days.
@Saridactyl@xanga - Yeah, I know HSV-1 can be spread anywhere... but I guess I've always been told that it wasn't the "bad herpes"... not sure why that is other than the impression in my head is that the HSV-1 infection is typically weaker or something.
My friend has a beautiful, caring, happily married Mother who also has herpes. When my friend was born, her parents divorced, and her mother had a bad night. She ended up with herpes. She also met a father of three children who loved her enough to date her, marry her, and move in with her as a family. They both take Valtrex, and they're both very happy. The entire male population really isn't as shallow or horrible as us gals think they are.
It's not over.
I was dating this guy for awhile. We were exclusive, we were serious about our future together so we stopped using a condom (I was on the pill then) as we both hate them - but in previous relationships we'd both been good about using condoms. We both had been tested for STDs and had nothing. Neither of us had ever had symptoms of anything, and we were both faithful.
One day, he has a small circular cut on his penis. We kept having sex anyway, and within 3 days he had about 5 of them spread around his penis. We decided to stop having sex while they healed. A few days later, I suddenly had some painful, itchy bumps on my 'area'. It took about a week for us to both heal.
Since then, neither of us have EVER had a breakout. We discussed what it could be and talked about it. At that time, I said I didn't care who had it first and gave it to the other. Some STDs like hpv and herpes can lay dormant for long periods of time. We both knew we wanted to be together and that an STD wasn't the end of the world.
Fast forward... Neither of us had any breakouts again, and never thought about it again until I got pregnant (we're married). I had some blood tests done, including another STD test. Results came back that I am positive for herpes. Logically, my husband doesn't need to be tested as he obviously has it too.
We don't care. We got married, we plan to stay married, we have a baby on the way, and we're happy. We will never be able to find out who had it first, or where it came from, or any of that nonsense and honestly - neither of us care. What's done is done. We take extra precautions to make sure we are clean down there - we both shower daily, plus clean up REALLY well after sex. If we start feeling a bit itchy, we don't have sex for a day or so to make sure no blisters appear. We've been very successful with it and neither of us are on medications for it or anything.
So, in the end, I would date someone with an STD. If I had known I had herpes beforehand, I would have told him and made him use a condom. If I had known HE had it beforehand, I would have made him use a condom. It isn't the end of the world (heck even AIDS isn't the end of the world anymore). We both have it now, and we're open and okay with it.