So, I've recently gotten out of a relationship with a young man, we'll call him J. J was a sweet young man, he and I had clicked so well. Or so I had been led to believe.
We were together for about seven months, we'd never had a quarrel. J had been a very caring, comforting person to be with, and he had us all (friends, family, and me) fooled. At the very end of our relationship, J had a meltdown and had to leave me due to a supposed "rut" he was in mentally, and financially. He said he felt like he wasn't giving me all that he could, and that he needed to figure himself out.
Little ol' me was very trusting of J, so when he told me this, I believed him. When he asked me to wait so that we could try again once he's not mentally/financially messed up, I also agreed. That is, until a week after everything went down and he'd found a new girl.
We had a round of words, and I'd called it off after that, completely. No contact, etc.
An ex of J's got a hold of me a few weeks after the fact, and I learned that not only was she not as crazy as he'd made her out to be, he was not the person I had fallen in love with, nor dated. He was someone completely different. He has an addiction to porn, and sex. I did not ask her to do this, but she accessed his email and sent me several screen shots that happened within the past week or so, where he was emailing other women for casual sex off of craigslist.
I should have known that already, he was doing that while I was laying in bed next to him one night, but he never did it again when I sat up and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing.
I am, needless to say better off without him, as befuddled by the turn of events as I am, it is for the better.
Has anyone else had someone pull a complete 360 on them before? Have you looked at the person you fell in love with, and gone, "Who ARE you, and what happened to HIM?"
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Comments (23)
Yep.
Oh, and be careful what you read in email. Some of the shit is very deceptive. I can imagine if someone read mine what they might think. They start off with subjects meant to "reel in" the person they're sent to, which can ultimately mean subjects like "Hey You" and "Remember me?" and shit like that which could deceive others even worse than the person they're sent to.
Then again, you probably already know that.
What the hell is "sex addiction" anyway?
Oh honey have I ever! The guy who I loved for over a year is now in prison for child pornography. Now THAT was a shocker
yikes. My ex-husband was/is like that. Up until the day of our rehearsal dinner we had an amazing, fun relationship. At our rehearsal, he got mad and squeezed my hands so hard that it made me cry. Huge red flag but the next day we got married and within 5 months, I kicked him out of the house and filed for a divorce as soon as possible.
When we first got married we ended up living with his parents because he didn't want to get a job. Then, he said he could find work in another state but that it would be easier if only he went alone to get a few paychecks and then find us a place. When he left to find "work" he was actually going to another state to party while I had to live in his parents house. He got caught because my brother was living in the area and found out that my ex was spending the night at random girls' houses and passing out a lot because of drinking or drugs.
When he finally came back to town, I had gotten a job and was renting a place. It pissed him off so he started drinking even more, starting off every morning with a pint of vodka. He would stay out all night and I couldn't reach him but later found out he was going out on dates, messing around with a 17 year old meth head, going to strip clubs...it goes on and on + lots of drug use. When he found I had filed for divorce, he started calling me at work and telling me what a whore I was and screaming that I was a bitch and so forth. On the day of our divorce he told me that he wasn't going to tell anybody that he was divorced because it was embarrassing.
I'm sure there was a lot he hid from me about his past relationships because one ex in particular called him up and when I answered she said that he had been calling her. This was the same girl he made practically ran to avoid a few months earlier...should've been a huge red light. I bet he was still technically dating her. He is now engaged to be married and I wonder if 5 years later he's changed or if I should call her up and warn her. I have a feeling he's told her a lot of lies about his past with me as well and she probably sees him as an innocent victim right now.
Yes. The ex. He sure had me fooled..
dear ifseveneightnine ,
if you think you can prohibid your boyfriend to watch porn. you are a complete retard. if you think theres a man out there who does not appreciate porn.you are even more so a retard, if you think sex and where a man gets his sexual kicks from has anything to do with a healthy relationship and being a loving caring man for his family.you should seriously doubt your sanity.
this is not the age of camelot. monogamy is unnatural and peopel are not afraid of going to hell for simply listening to their urges.a man is not a dog you can put on a leash and slowly cut of his penis while your sexual interrest fades away.
obviously you did surpress your boyfriends urges fantasy and passions. No sane man would stay with you unless he had no sexual desires at all.
your boyfriend wasnt a sex addict. your boyfriend is a man he has needs and if you surpress them he will turn somewhere else and eventually leave you. its the nature of life. people seek happiness not control.
anyway you should consider turning lesbian if you disagree with this piece of mind.
with kind regards
Andreas
@germanafro@xanga - Sorry to burst your asinine bubble but my boyfriend hasn't watched porn in 2 yrs because he's fine jacking off to just me. We've had this discussion several times and I've even told him it's okay for him to watch porn as long as he let's me know about it. He still CHOOSES to only use my pictures anyway. I have listed my doubts that he'll always just need my pictures (what happens when I'm old/have left over baby weight, etc.) and he says he'll just use my young 21 yr old body pictures.
We also plan to make videos when pictures go stale.Look I'm not an idiot, I get how guys are programmed, and yes porn is a big part of the majority of them. But for you to state a girl can't find a man who will willingly abide by her needs IS retarded. I hate when people act like porn is the only option. I have found my loopholes and they have been working wonderfully for my relationship. If a time comes when he wants to bring porn into his life again, that's fine, we'll figure it out together. now go suck a dick :)
@reesa14@xanga -
"But for you to state a girl can't find a man who will willingly abide by her needs IS retarded"
your twisting my words.
my statement was, to become more exact: that you cant surpress a persons needs and expect him to be the same nice person you once met.
a man has his needs.
your boyfriend might be an exception here in this regard, but we can talk about that in 5 years =)and as you say. right now you seem to completely satisfy thus he has no need to go looking somewhere else. that is unfortunately not the case for most men.
@germanafro@xanga - You make it sound like every guy out there is a sex-obsessed person who will let loose, no matter how much they care for their girlfriend. There's more to a relationship than just the physical aspect. There's probably married people who haven't had sex in a month and they are still monogamous nonetheless, without the porn.
@evilcleo@xanga -
so if theres more to a relationship than the physical aspect.why do women break hell over it when their boyfriends have sex with other women? !and please dont tell me it isnt like that.!
what you say is contradicting itself.
I had a rather caring, sweet, wholesome man who was loving to this 2 year old daughter. He painted a picture that he was a family man and someone to be trusted. Little did I know that he was a cheater, compulsive liar, a complete and utter drunk... got kicked out of the military for drinking and driving. He had me fooled that he was such a great person. We had a kid together and got married and mystery man finally came out to show his true colors. He was an abusive, beligerant drunk and I got away from him as soon as I could. But unfortunately, I can never fully be rid of him now since we have a kid together.
@germanafro@xanga - I get the feeling that being addicted to sex and lying was more of the problem. She could have contracted multiple STD's from him, like cancer causing HPV which could result in a hysterectomy and not being able to have children. She could have contracted herpes, gonorrhea or chlamydia, etc, etc from all of that casual sex.
It proves he is untrustworthy because he didn't care that he was in essence exposing her to all sorts of disease. I'm pretty sure you be pissed if warts showed up on your penis, if it started leaking green shit or you got a bad case of herpes on your mouth because your SO was sleeping other partners and not telling you.
Another bad thing is that he asked her to wait for him and put her life on hold while he was out living his which proves he thought her life was inferior to his.
His problem with sex and porn addiction has absolutely nothing to do with her. He did it to his ex and he will probably do it to his next girlfriend. The guy has issues and sounds like he lies his ass off.
@germanafro@xanga - fair enough.
his addiction to sex and porn was probably his way to escape his mental/financial rut. some people are addicted to food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, working out, etc. when I was in a rut, I developed an addiction, not to sex or porn, but retail therapy. I like shopping in general, but I used to go crazy and ordered lots of stuff online and got many packages in the mail almost daily. I'd look at what things that I'd like to buy for many hours and I kept buying and couldn't seem to stop! I can technically just stop, but it was easier said than done. I felt antsy when I didn't buy anything. when I received my items in the mail, I felt this adrenaline high
like YAY BOX OF COOL STUFF FOR ME
I suffered from something emotionally traumatic prior to my addiction, so it was my way to focus on the addiction to try to get the other things that I didn't want to think about out of my mind. I got over my addiction later. it took about 2 years to get over. I got myself in debt, too, due to my addiction. I have a better job and can buy whatever I want in cash. I strictly pay for things in cash nowadays to not get myself in debt or be tempted to buy things that I can't easily afford. my life got better with time. I wouldn't say my addiction defined me. it sucks that he tried to bog you down with his problems. each situation is different, so who knows why he became that way or he's always been that way. if he knows that he can't be monogamous, then sleep with however many other single people that is consenting, and don't get into a serious relationship and string people along. if they have their urges, then knock themselves out with other people, who mutually feel the same way, and are okay with being casual flings rather than dragging others with them and unfairly blaming, lashing out or other drama while deceiving them into believing that they want to work things out in a committed relationship.
@germanafro@xanga - Actually, sir.
I was more than willing to have sex with him. He still sought it elsewhere via craigslist on the casual sex listings.
thanks for your retarded input. Assumptions make an ass out of you and me. YOU mainly.
I should also say, I never oppressed his urges, we were very open with each other. I didn't mind if he watched porn, but the the fact that we practically lived together, that was kind of hurtful to know he'd rather go upstairs to the "bathroom" to whack off, before just having his way with me.
I LIKE sex, I am NOT against it, I find it very natural, and I enjoy sharing that with someone I deeply care for. I am not interested in, however, like a previous comment was stating, getting some nasty form of an STD. I'm sorry, but if you can't be a responsible sex partner with someone you're serious with, you don't DESERVE to be in a relationship.
wait wait wait, your man e-mailed a women for casual sex while next to you and you didn't find it as a red flag. I'm not trying to say its your fault (by all means we can't control other people especially when they choose to hurt us) but some red sirens must have rung.
@Cho_0705@xanga - Actually, it did, and I do kick myself in the ass numerous times telling myself I was way too forgiving, way too kind. I was always (for a number of things) believing his half-assed stories he used to cover himself, and then finding out later it wasn't the truth and being severely hurt.
I will never forget how he had told me one night he needed to go out to college and talk with the head professor of the history department so he could re-enroll in that college. So, he went out there a few days later, then wound up at a friends house. I was a) extremely sick at the time, bed ridden, not sleeping, miserable. and b) caring for a baby bird we'd found and planned on returning to a rehabilitation center in a few days.
Not only was caring for this baby bird downright awful while sick, not knowing where he was. ALL night. Was not exactly comforting either. I had called his phone around midnight confused, and no answer, his phone was either dead or off. A friend of his and I had some contact about the issue, and he said if he hadn't headed home by at least 6 am, he'd go over there and make sure he got ahold of me to let me know he was safe.
Didn't hear from him all night, didn't sleep, felt like dying. I was severely upset that he just couldn't call me and say, "Hey, I'm at the guys tonight, won't be home!" just to let me know he was ok. 6 am rolled around, his friend called me, and he was obviously not home yet. He went over there, woke him up, he came home. When he walked in that door, he looked like he was a dog in deep trouble, hunched over, eyeing me questioningly. I told him to knock it off and give me a hug, I was so worried about him, any anger I had, simmered out.
However, he reeked of alcohol. Which, he also lied to me about.
Situations like that, I feel like he took advantage of me in. I'm a very kind person, I have a huge heart when it comes to loving someone, and I'm very forgiving. I feel like these are huge weaknesses, but i don't want to be that "bitch" in some man's life, I don't want to be the person who ruins a man because I wasn't right or good enough for them.
His ex is less crazy than he'd made her out to be, but is apparently stalking him... he must have made her out to be clinical....
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - Actually, he was telling me she harassing him via text messages. Turns out, he was asking her for nudes and such. She has him blocked on Facebook and the like now. He was doing this while we were together.
Even if she is crazy, it's beside the point of the entry, it's not the topic of the current entry.
@germanafro@xanga - Lack of trust.
I've never had a lover do that to me, but I've had a couple of friends morph like that in front of me. It's never pleasant, no matter the situation.
@germanafro@xanga - You are an asshat.
My ex pulled a complete 180 on me...the guy I met, dated and fell in love with was a total gentleman, sweetheart, thoughtful, funny and easy going...I coudlnt imagine what he even looked like angry..if he was bothered by something he was quick to say we need to talk about it and willing to sort things out.
Then....found out he was cheating, we broke up, and jeez, I still loved him and was willing to try and work things out, but he turned into a raving lunatic! Screaming, cursing, saying the most hurtful things. Then hed apologize and be that sweet guy and start wanting to work things out again. He had me emotionally twisted for a verrry long time.
We could be having a nice convo and all smiles one second, and on a dime, hes screaming at me. Im over it now and see no way we can be together again, but wow, I just
never knew if he was going to be nice or cruel...no idea at all who he
was going to be on any given day. We still talk as friends randomly, but at least now, when he gets weird, I just tell him I need a break and dont take his rants personally.