Sunday, 12 August 2012
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The Random Call from an Ex
Over the summer, I was randomly contacted by no less than 3 guys I went out with in the past. I'd say that all 3 of these count as random/unexpected due to the fact that we have not remained in contact and because all 3 of these didn't end particularly well (some better than others). Out of the blue I got a phone call from one, an email from another, and some texts from the third. Two were attempts at catching up, staying in touch, "being friends again" and the third was an actual proposal to try things again. Keep in mind that I had by no means been chatting it up with any of these prior to the recent contact.
With one of these I politely declined the get-back-together offer, also having to inquire as to why asking for a second chance crossed his mind at all. If I misled him in anyway, sincere apologies. Not my intention at all, I don't take pleasure in leading people on. With the second person I entertained some light conversation but nothing serious.
Luckily, he talks a lot so it probably seemed like we had a conversation when in reality all I had to do was listen to him for a while and that counts as us catching up. The third I have been actively ignoring; he continues to contact me despite me having asked him to just leave me alone.So what is with this? I have never felt an urge to randomly contact a person I used to date to try to be friends with, and I suppose that goes along with the fact that I have never had the urge to try things again with someone that I haven't seen in a considerable amount of time. 2/3 of the aforementioned bachelors should be ashamed of themselves for getting in touch with me after the way things ended (lying, cheating, etc.).
After being contacted by the third bachelor, I was actually sent into a bit of a depression for a couple days due the the extreme nature of mistreatment that I experienced from him three years ago. I am all patched together now, but I did have a difficult time figuring out how to justify asking him to not contact me again. I didn't want him to think that I am still tied up in knots over what happened, but despite being all better now I also really don't want to open up to someone who has wreaked havoc before.
It was tricky and not a fun thing to go through, but I think I have deflected all the advances.Why now? Why me? What would give someone the guts after (in some cases!) years of no contact to try to wiggle their way back into my life now? Why are they not embarrassed? Are these offers of friendship more innocent than I give them credit for? Even in the cases that I wish I could maintain a friendship with an ex, most of the time I don't even try because it isn't worth the possibility of leading one on with false hope of any kind.
Sure I'd probably value their friendships since I was once interested enough to date them for a while, maybe they could value a friendship eventually too, but I think a cautious amount of damage control is the fairest option for most involved. End of story.Have you ever been caught by surprise when an ex tries to step back into the picture for any reason? Have you ever had a pining for someone that you haven't been in contact for a considerable amount of time? How did you deal with this?
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- From: blonde_vampire@xanga
- Name: Jodie...
- Location: Pensacola, Florida, United States
- About Me: I can't decide if time is linear or cyclical. I guess I'm not supposed to know. I want a sea-space-submarine.
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Comments (32)
they may have been genuine about wanting to be friends, but there's not really any way to know. all we can do is speculate. or they may have been having a dry spell and were going through their old flames, they may have decided that you were particularly fun/sweet/hot/insert adjective, they may have thought any of a million things.
as for me personally, i have a policy of not contacting girls i've previously dated/hooked up with. when we are done, i delete her phone number so i have no temptation to text her if i have a lapse of judgment (particularly if i've been drinking). i have only twice broken this rule...once was with a girl i saw in grad school. i was in town and told her we should meet up, but i realized i didn't know what i was trying to get out of it, so i canceled on her. the second one was actually just earlier this summer, with a girl i had gone out with on 2 dates a year ago. i was hoping she would be interested in hanging out--she said she was flattered but not single, and said she would invite me to a party to meet her friends (though if she ever had the party, i didn't hear from her again). these were both the 2 sweetest and most genuine girls i've ever dated, which is why i broke the rule for them. i don't anticipate doing it for anyone else, though.
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
I want to say that I don't know why this happens, because it happens to me a lot too. When I start talking to a guy that I'm kind of interested in, exes from the past will spring up out of no where. It's insane. It will be an odd mix. Guys that just kind of disappeared off the map, guys I really had feelings for, guys that I never ever want to hear from ever again. They just spring back up as if they have Nixie-Love-Radar and think now is the time to get chatty. I used to be very confused by this. I still kind of am, because it does seem a little consistant. I won't talk to some of these boys for months or years and all of the sudden, there they are, all out of the blue. I can't say that they're all pining after me. That would be weird, and awkward, and disturbing,... but I may be able to relate to some of them at this point. I've been thinking about one of my exes so much lately. I loved him. I had a dream about him and I can't seem to get him off my mind. I would love to see him again, talk to him, and it's been maybe a year since we last spoke two words to one another. I adored him, and I keep having to remind myself of how bad our relationship was for me because I really, truly want to give him a call or shoot him an email just to see how he's doing. I decided a long time ago that I had to get him out of my life or I'd never heal. So, I won't be like my exes, calling him up after so much time apart, even if we did end things on good terms.
I really don't know why exes do that. I don't know why I have the urge. It's just odd. I mean, I had a dream about my ex and everything. When I woke up, I wanted to cry or be sick or something. It just hurt so much for something that seemed so real to haunt me like that, and the fact that it could never happen hit me like a brick.
I just don't know what's going on with all that and this.
with all due respect...this seems a little bitchy.
I've had exes try to contact me at the most random of times, usually after a considerable amount of time had past. For the most part, I was polite and formal, then ended the call as soon as I felt the need to. People from the past should stay in the past, unless you are willing to keep a friendship with them, if the latter is the case, then they wouldn't make random calls after such a long time.
they probably broke up with one of their gfs and wants to find someone familiar to rebound to. I ignore them completely. they probably remember how hot I am and want to see me naked again. too bad I'm already indifferent to them and nothing they say will convince me to talk or be with them.
Yeah, it happened to me all at once too... three guys in a short time frame.
One of them genuinely apologized to me and told me that he was getting therapy for his problems. He wanted to be friends. I can't remember exactly what I said to him... it wasn't mean, but I accepted the apology and declined the offer for friendship. One of them had been in contact on and off with me over the years and had told his wife that some honey he had been emailing was me (a lie); because of this lie, I got some very nasty messages from his wife. So, next time he contacted me, I told him exactly why I disliked him, would never get back together with him, and felt sorry for his wife. He hasn't contacted me since then, thank goodness.One of them I married after an online/phone long-distance courtship. :)I have had one ex contact me twice out of the blue. The first time was weird as hell.
I haven't talked to him in ages, he calls me and the first thing he says to me is
"Do you have genital warts?" I was like wtf no. He must have gotten it from his wife he is now married to because I don't have shit and am symptom/disease freeeeee. I regularly get tested especially before and after I get with someone new so I know who to pin point if I were to ever unfortunately catch anything. Luckily, I've been A OK.
The second time he sent me a facebook message saying he had a dream about me and was just checking up on me to see how I was doing. Weird.
Anyway, I deleted my old facebook account and got a new one with a different name under my Chinese name because I've had problems with stalkers (and people wonder why I post Guest -- assholes). I tried to re-add him on it and I even sent a message saying it was me but whatever. There's a reason why the past is the past. I thought we were platonic and civil enough to still catch up once in a while and I didn't even want him anyway. He has been one of the very few exes who I've been able to talk to as "friends" after we've broken up. Oh well.
I have a husband now, and out of respect to him, won't go calling or talking to my exes. One of my exes I introduced to a friend and they married, one is in jail (don't want to talk to him at all), one is married with kids and I wouldn't want to set any false flags to his wife, and the last was a vagabond I never want to see or hear from again - but will only hope he got out of his mess.
yessss and it's so pathetic and annoying.
weird! same thing happened to me a few weeks ago!
thanks for sharing the stories! I am pleased to see stories from people on both sides of the situation, it is interesting to read about others' rules and experiences with similar happenings
I wondered if she had her name legally changed now cause of all the meanness she had in her as a kid had finally caught up with her when she turned 18 like me. And by then it was no longer considered cute mischief from a little girl but actual criminal acts from a teenager.
Anyways, she wanted me to hack into a computer for her and do some other stuff and I told her I was with Rose and that's not going to change and I'm not obliged to do anything for her now.
She said if you can't help me, I won't ever be talking to you again. I said that's fine, and hung up on her - and I hadn't heard from her since. ≡
ughh yes! my ex from 4yrs ago (we were together for 5yrs) makes it a point to contact me at least once a year. when we first broke up we tried the whole let's be friends thing because I still deeply cared about him and wasn't prepared to lose him as a part of my life. then I found out he was cheating on me for the last 6mos of our relationship and was now LIVING with the girl. ...details he certainly failed to mention.
-I cut off all contact. the first time he contacted me, like an idiot I entertained it only to find out he was an even bigger jerk than I thought. he kept telling me how he made the biggest mistake of his life and how he still wanted to be with me...all while he was still living with this girl. he even mailed a Christmas present to my mother's house. it was a very nice gold bracelet, which I promptly mailed back to the return address but I addressed it to his gf with a note stating, "I'm sorry. I think your boyfriend accidentally sent me your Christmas present".
-the second year he called, I only spoke to him to FINALLY tell him off like I've never told off a person in my life. and you know what..as much as people say to leave the past in the past, it felt GOOD and I was finally done. plus I figured why would he ever want to talk to me again after the horrible things I told him about himself.
-but nooo, he calls AGAIN the following year, couldn't believe it. I ignore the call, then get a slew of text messages, ignore them as well. then he keeps calling over and over sporadically for a month. I'm not usually one of these girls, but I had my boyfriend answer and threaten him. if that doesn't do it then what will?
-nope! a few weeks ago I get a text saying, "I think I'm just stubborn babe..." -__- really dude?!
I honestly have never had the urge to reach out to an ex who I didn't stay in contact with after the break up. I'm still friends with some on facebook. I actually just got invited to a wedding of an ex because I'm pretty cool with his fiance and it really wasn't a serious relationship, just a little college fling. but um no, if it ended badly, let's both just move on and pretend the other doesn't exist.
you don't really need justification for not wanting someone in your life again. Only keep people who deserve to be there, if they have proven otherwise in the past it's not required of you to forgive them as a decent person even if you have moved on.
Hmm...why do I find myself pining after my ex after completely cutting off contact for over a month? Because I feel like no one measures up to him right now. It actually makes me angry that we broke up for such a stupid reason, especially knowing how difficult dating can be sometimes. I'm resisting the urge to contact him though. Unless he quit his job, it would just be the same situation, which is why he broke it off to begin with. Of course, that doesn't really help how I feel either, because there was never actually closure for me.
Yes. It seems to be quite common for me. After they ruined the relationship somehow they try to get in contact with me months to years later. This has happened to me 3 times. The last incident happened last summer. I had not spoken to him in over a year and a half when I ended things. I just ignored him when he tried to contact me just like I did the others. Once things are over they are over. Their chances have come and gone. They can go find some else.
Yeah, I get that from my ex's at random points. It's frustrating, haha.
I think if I had an ex that I ended on bad terms with, I would block them from being able to contact me. In my experience, exes will eventually try to go back to what's familiar and most available to them. Since it's more work to find someone and begin dating them before beginning a relationship, they naturally want the easiest route there. I would maybe tell them whatever I had held back previously or what I want to say in that very moment, block them, write about it until I have nothing more to say and then I'd move on. Just remember that it's much more difficult to close a door if it's contents are disorganized & falling out all over the place. Get to organizing, make some room and quietly shut and lock the door before opening a new one. It's much easier to move forward that way.
@FrostedElegance@xanga - Unless his job is porn or prostitution, why in the world would you break up over it? A good job is difficult to find.. I'm sorry, I don't know the situation & the reasoning behind it, but if it's simply because you don't like his job then I might try and reconnect.. but if it's a matter of him maybe not making enough money when you have bills to pay or whatever, I can totally understand.
Anyway, I've always found that loving someone, really loving them, is realizing that they mean more to you than your pride. Like, when you fight, you can't stand hurting each other so it's difficult to fight for long. But if you're starting to think that maybe the object of your fight doesn't matter as much as your love, then talk to him. Might be worth it.
I've heard of people randomly contacting their exes when they start seeing someone new.
@Awake_My_Soul420@xanga -
Not to be snippy, but you're right, you don't know the details. He's a hedge fund manager, which means he works INSANE hours (I'm talking regularly working into the wee hours of the night, plus weekends). And it wasn't my decision to end it--it was his, which is why I don't have closure over it. I could deal with his schedule, even though it could be frustrating. But he didn't think he could be there for me, so that was that.
Wait a minutes..am I the only one confused by this -- "Keep in mind that I had by no means been chatting it up with any of these prior to the recent contact." then the second paragraph in she says --
"If I misled him in anyway, sincere apologies. Not my intention at all, I don't take pleasure in leading people on. "Doesn't that somehow imply you DID have contact with one of them?! How else would you have "lead them on" intentionally or otherwise if you didn't??? Or were you talking about years ago you might have accidentally mislead him?? -confused-
Either way, I would just ignore all their attempts if you're truly not interested. Guys tend to have that little thing of "Fuck it now! -x amount of time later- "Ohh..I made a mistake.."
I had a friend who two months ago tried to make drunken advances towards me & when I made it clear I wasn't interested he was rude to me. I cut off contact with him & for a month & half all was well. Until he randomly texted me out of the blue a a week ago saying "hey gorgeous! I wanna go out! Drinks on me!" No apology for his past behavior, & no reaching out to me either. Obviously, I wasn't interested -- so I ignored the text. Soon..he's blowing up my phone, calling me! Dropping by my apartment unannounced & ringing my buzzer! I ignored all the attempts, all fifteen of them in two days! Perhaps, he's gotten the hint now - I haven't heard from him in almost a week now.
Just continue to ignore them. Eventually, they'll get the hint.
@FrostedElegance@xanga - Ohh, I'm sorry, I misread and thought you broke it off. Working hours like that sucks, I actually used to bartend which is why I was curious because I had the same issues with dating because I would work weekends & long into morning as well & it's hard to get on the same schedule. No, I was simply curious, that's why I asked. I mean, you did put it out there so you probably should have expected that someone would be curious, but I didn't mean to offend.
I'm about to contact an ex to be friends with him and yes, that's all I want. Perhaps they actually want to be friends with you and want to remain in contact. If they were horribly mean to you, I can see how you could turn down their offer but if they weren't, there's really no problem in reconnecting as friends, as human beings For me, It didn't end horribly or even badly. We just sorta got lost in our own lifes and he thought cutting me off without a good bye was our best bet. I realized we had to separate and it was unfortunate because we got along better than any of the guys I've been with/known in my life but we didn't have to stop being friends. With him, there was no fighting or no conflict, it was just him being overly cautious. Either way, I intend to contact him very soon and I honestly do expect him to come back to me as a friend because even if he didn't love me as a lover, he sure did love me as a friend and he and I were as he always put it, "two peas in a pod". I'll never forget him because of how he made me feel, how he made me laugh so hard, I cried, how much he smiled when with me. I don't care if we can never be lovers again but I do intend to get him back as a friend and I can almost promise you that he will return to me.