Relationships are often defined as a partnership based on honesty and trust. To many, honesty is the very cornerstone that keeps one from falling apart. But, I've always wondered if there was a such thing as being TOO honest? Are there some things you shouldn't share with your partner? Where is the line between being honest and giving full disclosure drawn? Should there be one?
Consider this scenario:
You've been in a two-year monogamous relationship. Everything is amazing. You get along, hardly ever argue about anything serious, you trust one another and always maintain an open dialogue. One day you're coming from work, and stop to get food, when you run into someone that once showed interest in you. While waiting, you guys have a brief courtesy conversation. You even sit to have a drink while your food is being prepared.
You see it as nothing but what it is...conversation. While the other individual sees it as an opportunity to get in where they previously failed years ago. You notice slight things: touching your hand every time you say something they find funny, maintaining eye contact. But you shrug it off. After all, you're not interested.
Your food is done, so you say your goodbyes. On your way out the door, you're slipped a phone number. You take it out of courtesy, walk a couple of blocks and disperse of it. Not giving it, or them, a second thought. Therefore mentioning none of this to your significant other at home.
This is where my question reappears. Should you? Is everything that you encounter need-to-know information for your partner?
In my opinion, there's nothing to tell. If no damage is being done, why bring unnecessary drama? But, at the same token, it depends on the individual. If you know you're in a relationship with a hot head who doesn't often know when to laugh certain situations off, full disclosure might not be your best bet. But, if you know your partner would care less and not doubt your story and most likely laugh it off, by all means.
I was once told, "damage is caused by doubt." Not everything needs to be said, or you might soon find yourself doing damage control for the unnecessary. Providing piece of mind is all good and dandy, but there will be none to provide if you're not given the information.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying be dishonest. That's a "whole-nother" ball game. But pick your battles.
Why stir up a pot that's not even boiling? Image Source
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Comments (22)
Good post. True. Unless you made a mistake, there's no point in mentioning it. There's a difference between that and keeping a secret. If your partner asked if you ever ran into your ex, you'd tell them the full story without hesitation. If you're a good person.
If you believe that bullshit "Everything happens for a reason" you should discuss EVERYTHING with your partner.
The fact that you have to question whether you should tell your partner or not shows hesitation and that in itself is a reason to discuss it with them openly, without them having to ask.
It makes sense to "pick your battles", but don't "pick and choose" what truth to tell, because that is how a lie builds up without either of you seeing it happening (@BlehhItsTu@xanga - i.e. A "MISTAKE". The goal being to give your partner time to correct it BEFORE one happens).
If you want a private life, stay single.
The greatest trick the Devil can pull isn't convincing you that God does not exist... but that he does not exist.
I don't think you should ever lie but somethings don't really need to be told. I used to tell my boyfriend everything and somethings would make him so angry and he would make it, into a way bigger deal than it should have been and it really would have been better off unsaid.
@Living_just_2_breathe@xanga - How big of a deal "should" it be and who gets to determine that?
Either he reacts how you want him to or not at all?
That is controlling.
Do not apply lessons learned from past relationships to new ones.
Hmm.. see, I've always felt that if it's not a big deal, then why hide it? You get home, talk about your day, laugh, maybe go, "I bumped into an old friend and got to catch up with them for a bit before my food was ready. It was nice but I was pretty sure he was hitting on me. Oh well, that's obviously not going to happen." I just feel like if it's something that would come up in a conversation about how your day went and you glaze over it, you're hiding something.
But I also believe that if you're dating someone who gets jealous or angry over those kind of things, maybe you should keep it to yourself. But if you find you have to lie in order to keep things peaceful, maybe you need to examine your relationship. This is why I believe jealousy is poisonous, not a healthy part of a relationship, as so many seem to think.
The only time you are really obligated to divulge information, in my opinion, is if it has the potential to harm your spouse. For example, if you have a sexual history, your spouse, I think, has the right to demand that you get tested for STD's. If you withhold that info from your spouse you could end up potentially exposing them to some sort of disease.
As for other stuff, well that depends on your level of mutual trust and many other factors.
@Awake_My_Soul420@xanga - yeah i'd do that one. my bf and i are pretty straight up about being hit on by others and then shooting them down! BAM. lol, we give a high five or something and keep on being awesome.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - lmao yea I'm the same way and I'm single right now but I usually date people who are the same way. Laid back & easy going is the way to be.
I like to give funny nicknames to creepy guys, who try to flirt with me, when I tell my bf. my bf knows that I don't like these guys from the way that I make fun of the twerps:D I told him about my boss crush. even my bf is intrigued by my boss crush's mysterious charm
well, he knows that I haven't personally talked to him and I'll likely won't get a chance to sit down and chat with him, because he seems so busy that I barely get to see him and when I do see him, he quickly disappears down the hallway until who knows when. he is like a ghost crush
so it is just superficial and not personal. I wonder if he's even real, because he's too good to be true, and I have yet to see him for more than a minute at a time
so yeah, nothing to worry about. sometimes my bf tells me about other women, who have hit on him. but he does the same and makes fun of them while saying that they don't even compare to me
he can go ahead and tell me, then proceed to stroke my ego babyyy
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Well here is an example once I was walking my dog and a guy I had hooked up with before my boyfriend was driving by and stopped and started talking to me. He said he was going to call me and I walked away because not only did I have a boyfriend I knew for a fact this guy was engaged and I found him repulsive. I told my boyfriend and he got mad at me even though I did nothing wrong it turned into a big fight and even days and weeks after when he would get mad at me he would tell me to go be with that guy. So do I wish I wouldn't have told him yes I do because I got punished when I did nothing wrong. Also if you don't apply lessons learned from past relationships you will jsut make the same mistakes.
@Living_just_2_breathe@xanga - Relationship mistakes are meant to be made with an individual.
I say "do not apply lessons learned from past relationships to new ones" because not every man you date would react that way, but every man you date would certainly have a right to know that happened because some would be rightfully pissed off at that guy as they should be, and not you.
I trust you know what to tell and what not to tell based on the person you're with... but some people act far too objectively when dealing with their respective partners, treating each one as though they're an item to be analyzed because they couldn't trust the people they were with before, thus perpetually and increasingly punishing the next person for the mistakes of the previous (for example, withholding information for no good reason).
I love this post, with the scenerio and everything. To give you an honest answer, that sort of random meeting would be something I would share with my significant other. It's not like I'd share all the juicy details. I wouldn't be like "Guess who I saw told? It was Nathan! We had talked a bit while waiting for our orders to be done. He gave me his number too. That was so weird". That might be something that would cause drama. I know I would mention it, because it would be something new that happened. Plus, if you saw this person again elsewhere while you were with your mate, and they ask why you haven't called since the other night, your significant other isn't going to be giving you the evil eye. Instead, I'd probably make the conversation as casual as the interaction was, along the lines of, "I ran into an ex while getting the food. It was kind of awkward", then laugh it off. Why not, right?
I'm in a relationship where we tell each other everything. There are no secrets between us (unless it's some super awesome present). If this had ever happened, I would still tell my boyfriend because I feel like he'd deserve to know and it's something I know he'd tell me about.
@SmileSoICanLive@xanga - @T3hZ10n@xanga - I understand where you guys are coming from, but in my personal opinion, I wouldn't mention it. In this situation, it sounds like bringing it up would be more trouble than it's worth. You can just say, "I had lunch with an old friend today." But not mentioning who they are, or that they liked you at one point and may still like you, is the same thing as not mentioning them at all. If you go into detail and say, "Oh, she used to really like me." Then the girlfriend would wonder, "Why did you go eat with her at all if you think she likes you?" And she'll begin to wonder if you guys were flirting and that breeds the seed of doubt despite it being baseless. To me, not mentioning it and not hanging out with the girl again proves that the girl was nobody, both to your girlfriend and to yourself.
The other side of Trust and Honesty is the Trust part - trust that I don't do anything to hurt you and lose you. It's so easy to be honest, just say how you feel, what you think, what you did. All of us have the ability to be honest. To trust is harder; we depend on a completely separate entity that our minds can't control. To trust someone is to look at a deep dark hole and jump in not knowing if it'll be a giant downy bed that catches us or a pool of ice water to dampen your beliefs on love a bit more.
You should tell the SO. If they were to find out, it would be bad news. Especially with the touching of hands, should never of been allowed. But anyway, tell. Just to keep it totally honest without fear or doubt.
Well, I'm never gonna tell where all the bodies are buried.
Good post, good question, interesting topic to think about. I think it kind of depends on the nature of your SO; I think you should be as open with them as you are comfortable with, but I also think if they expect more of you than you are comfortable with then I think that is a bad sign (insecurity on their part, etc)
I had a bad ending with a guy that I quit seeing over a year ago. He got very obsessive about being open about EVERYTHING to the point that I felt like he didn't want to trust me and he was telling me things that were unnecessary and ended up just being hurtful. For example, after a particularly religious change in him he felt the need to tell me about every bad thing he had ever done like watching porn while we were together- I don't care about porn, don't think its wrong, don't mind if an SO watches it but I'd rather not know. In that case, I was hurt that I was apparently not doing it for him in that capacity, and I would have rathered him spare me the discomfort.
I think refraining from making something out of nothing is a fine pursuit, and I hope that you don't feel undue pressure from your SO to confess unnecessary info.
story of my life...thank you for posting this
@emmaye@xanga - you're welcome hun
I tell my boyfriend every time that happens, because it is nothing. He understands, and tells me when it happens to him. No jealousy is born from this, because we know that it's nothing. If it becomes something, then you have a reason to discuss it further and figure out what to do. There are less hurt feelings when you do it this way, because then they can tell the difference between someone giving you their phone number and some sort of open flirtation.
If damage is caused by doubt then confidence must be the key
Im not a jealous person, and its not something I find attractive so I dont date guys like that, or someone who would be a hot head. In the scenario you mentioned, it would be a non-issue and not something to bring up. I wouldnt really act the way you described though, to be friendly enough that hed touch me like that...Id cut that pretty short by telling him about my bf and make it clear Im off limits...so I doubt hed be comfy enough to think he even had enough of a chance to try giving me his number.
So honestly, on walking out, I either woudlnt give it a second thought, or say "jeez you woudlnt believe who I ran into today!" not out of full disclosure, but hey, I see a bf as a friend who I can talk to... And if my man came home and said that, I would be like "wow, so whats she up to nowadays?" ..that he metioned it means he has nothing to hide, but if he didnt mention it, it just means he just let it go and forgot about it and it wasnt worth talking about.
Now, if that guy was a good friend of his who knew we were dating and trying to hit on me, I would def tell him and expect him to have a couple words with the guy to tel him know we both found it stupid inappropriate...Ive done that before with my ex.
As for general full disclosure though, if its something that affects our relationship, I would def make a point to tell my man...if its no big deal, I may or may not tell him depending on my mood, but like I said, I talked with my ex about stuff because he was my friend and we talked openly, not out of obligation to be truthful. I didnt ever do anything shady that required having to feel that kind of obligation.