My boyfriend has a medical condition called ankylosing spondylitis. It's a form of arthritis that can cause the spine to fuse together. It's currently in the dormant phase and is not active, however. He was truthful and told me before we started getting into a relationship, though I didn't think about it seriously at the time.
Now that I have dated him for about 8 months, I am getting worried when I think about the future with him. Some of the symptoms could prove to be very problematic for our relationship, and I'm not 100% certain what to expect. I've remained with him because I am serious about us.
Have you ever been in this type of situation? Would you date someone with a medical condition?
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Comments (57)
It depends on how severe/crippling the medical condition is. But if they developed the condition in the midst of the relationship, I would continue on.
I would continue dating.
I would never end a relationship with someone due to a medical condition that they are unable to control.
Last year I met this really nice guy but he had some nerve condition and at first I didn't think it was a big deal but I realized that this condition completely controlled how he lived his life and ultimately I decided that I did't want someone's medical condition controlling my life and our lives were just at very different places. Now if I was already dating someone and they got diagnosed that would probably be different.
I would definitely date someone with a medical condition. Having one myself, I know it would be hard, but I'd want the same consideration. A relationship isn't about that kind of thing anyway. It's just like any other characteristic that they can't control--race, height, eye color. I wouldn't discriminate on those characteristics, so I wouldn't with medical conditions either. I know it isn't a completely valid comparison, but it's how I think about it.
It's different getting into a relationship with someone that has a medical condition than being with someone and then having them diagnosed. I think so anyway.
He told you about this before you started dating.. and now 8 months later you are starting to have second thoughts???
Ok Im sorry but it just sounds selfish.. Are you worried about it effecting the relationship or You?You probably should have taken some time to consider everything before you got into this relationship... If you break up with him over this now it would be like saying "im sorry but this is just too much of a reality for me".. Illness is a part of life. (yea i know I sound very insensitive.. but ive been down this road.. thats why wedding vows include "in sickness and in health until we are parted by death") I was in highschool when someone i cared about very much got sick. He was diagnosed early, and his girlfriend broke up with him the same day, in the car after he got out of the dr's office. He only let a handful of people know what was going on. I, along with 3 other close friends, stayed by his side over the following months the disease took to take him down... I was with him when he passed away. I wouldn't change it for a minute.. I think his ex is a selfish brat for breaking up with him when he needed her the most.. and i hope she regrets what she did to him.it depends. if he's on meds/treatment that can control most symptoms and you barely even know he has a condition, so he can carry on without mandatory or serious assistance, then okay. if not, I don't think that it would work. I would be their friend, but I don't think it would work out as more if we're dating or I'm dating to see if I want to get into a serious relationship. if I was already in a serious relationship or married to the person, then of course I'd take care and be there for him, but otherwise, it is likely a no. if I had a serious condition and a healthy person with an active lifestyle didn't want to date me, I'd understand. I'd likely date another, who understands and will relate with me. I usually date others, who I can relate to non-medical wise, so it isn't that different as far as finding someone, who accepts you as you are. each situation is different, so I wouldn't really know until I'm there. the things I say now might change later.
I've got one, so it would be incredibly hypocritical of me to say no. I believe love is independent of that.
I dont mean to sound rude but I think this post is terribly unfair. Medical conditions make certain aspects of life (especially trying to date) hard enough without asking peoples opinions on it. You'll automatically get attacked if you say no because people will think you to be heartless & cruel. Can people be cruel about it? Yes but on the flip side, people dont look deeper into the issue.
To stop living your life to help take care of someone with a serious medical condition is a selfless act but severely draining. I'm feeling the effects of it myself helping my grandmother. I now have help coming in from an agency for a few hours a day but even still I dont get to see my husband everyday because he works & I cant leave the house, I just found out I'm pregnant & some people are not being very nice about it (or the fact I got married too). On top of this, I'm dealing with family strife & doing tons of other things because I'm the main person in the house & they assume because grandma is on home care, I'm not doing much so they all go about their business & check in when they feel like it. When I first started to get time off after working a month straight, they blew up my phone to the point I wanted to change my number. I've been treated so bad my family members to the point that when I leave here, I'm changing my number & not telling anyone, nor will they get my new address. It's like since I got here, they feel they dont have to be responsible for things or call me when they feel like it to see how things are instead of visiting. It's not fair to me or especially to grandma.
As for me personally if, God forbid, my husband got sick, I'm not going anywhere. I said for better or for worse & I mean it. I know it wouldnt be easy but I'd do the best I can. That's all anyone can do in situations like that.
you mean like asthma? i guess i could deal with that, as long as she had good stamina in the bedroom.
I want to say I would for sure stick by the man [and i'm pretty sure the little hero in all of us wants to as well] but at the same time I am confident that being in the actual situation would be a lot harder. I definitely applaud women and men who stick by their spouse, hopefully I would. But to be honest I have no idea if I would be able to.
A lot of times medical conditions don't only change the person physically but mentally as well. Lots of patients become a different person (of course lots stay positive as well), they might get frustrated, moody...etc. So would I still want to stay with someone who has completely changed? I'm not quite sure.
More-over I would never think less of a person who chose to leave the relationship because of a medical condition. It must be harder then it seems especially watching their loved one fade, as well as the above mentioned reason.
@Living_just_2_breathe@xanga -
"and our lives were just at very different places."
Lol...
I love my boyfriend and I know I'm going to marry him no matter what. I know he feels the same way.
In early 2009, one of my Sergeants had an incident which left him in a coma. When he woke up, he was different - he had suffered major brain damage. He couldn't communicate, he couldn't move around, and he couldn't even eat by himself. The doctors weren't even sure if his mind was even the same, if he was even able to think like an adult or if his brain was in a retarded state. He had a wife and a child that was less than a year old - for the rest of her life she'll have to take care of him. I used to visit him and talk about the platoon, but his only replies were disparaging groans intermittently grunted throughout my useless anecdotes. He was a great guy and I felt sorry for him, but I felt worse for her. If she left him, even though the state would have taken care of him, society would call her heartless, that she was a gold digger, that she was a tramp, but imagine the life she has to endure just to maintain her sense of decorum. She'll have to bath him, change his diapers, and feed him with a spoon. I know it sounds heartless, but if I was her, I would rather let the government take care of him.
@SexyKhoiFish@xanga - I'm not at all a religious or spiritual person and I'm well aware of the mechanical-like workings of the human body... but even in the case that she would be mentally or even severely physically effected by some illness or injury I would still feel like "that's my girl in there". Just my personal feelings on the topic, of course, but for some, I'm sure you can imagine it wouldn't be a burden at all.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - First time in my life I'm going to use this phrase, but lets agree to disagree =]
as someone with a medical condition speaking from my own experience, it takes a really special person to stay with someone who is sick. when the guy i was dating told me that my condition was a concern of his, he didn't even make the effort to find out more about it before jumping to conclusions and freaking out about our future. naturally, i was hurt, but it wasn't because he didn't think he could handle being with someone with a medical condition. like i said, it takes a very special person who is willing to take care of you if necessary and deal with everything that comes with the condition. i was hurt because he couldn't see past my condition and see that i'm so much more than that. i don't let my condition define me as a person. i never asked him for help or to take care of me. but the fact is, my condition isn't going away so it is a part of me that he would have to accept. obviously he didn't, but that's alright. now i can find someone who does accept me: flaws and all.
Would her vagina still work?
If I'm in love with a guy, nothing that happens or has happened to him that is out of his control will cause me to leave him.
I was born with a mild (but noticeable) case of cerebral palsy. I can do most things independently, but I walk with a limp and have terrible coordination/balance issues. Let's just say I'm not the person you'd want to go ice-skating, hiking or do any type of physical activities with really, which kind of sucks because my husband is a very active person. He's a Marine, and a few of his buddies have already been kicked out for being fat, so he kind of has to stay in shape.
I'm more of the stay indoors, straight-As, bookworm kind of girl... but in a way I feel like we balance each other out. Not too long ago we took a couple of classes together in college, biology was one of them. We went on a field-trip toward the end of the semester, it was a hiking trip and he basically carried me through the forest the entire time we were there, because I walked really slow and kept tripping lol.
He knew my limitations when we met. Cerebral palsy isn't degenerative, but it can't be cured or treated either. My husband and I are opposites in nearly every way, but we somehow manage to make it work. So to answer your question, yes I would.
I think it depends on the illness. I wouldn't break up with someone if they got sick while we were together, but I'm not sure I'd get into a relationship with someone with a serious illness. There are a lot of things I still want to do with my life and I couldn't do those things with my partner if they were really sick or limited in some way. But, saying that, I have several illnesses which I told my boyfriend about before we got together and he's still stuck with me and asked me out - I have depression, generalised anxiety and sacroiliitis (a life-long back problem which will lead to arthritis). I think it all depends on the circumstances, honestly.
My boyfriend has epilepsy. He told me about it when we started dating and it was no big deal to me. Since then, I admit my eyes have become more open somewhat and it's not always easy. Even though his case is mostly under control, I've accompanied him multiple times to hospitals, once leaving Christmas Eve celebrations with my family (we'd only been together 2 months at this point), been freaked out on Mother's Day when he seizured in the cinema bathroom and woken up countless of times in the middle of the night. I'm not afraid to say that realistically it is, for lack of a better word, "inconvenient"...but worse is to see him like that. No matter how many times it happens it's a horrible sight to see someone you love spasming uncontrollably...or finding them collapsed in a heap on the floor...the worst is when he comes out of it and still isn't THERE and I worry that he won't come back...but the majority of the time that he is there and does come back I love him to pieces so, as I said it's not easy but it's just another part of the man I love :) That said, if we were to eventually break up I would give way more serious thought before entering another relationship with someone with a medical condition, it's not always something to be taken lightly.
My boyfriend has told me more than once about his grandmother and her struggle with her disease.
She had MS (Multiple sclerosis). Over time, her symptoms were so bad that she practically became a different person. Her coordination went. Soon, she wasn't even able to walk. She lived to be about 80 years old, remarkable for someone in her condition. I know it was because of the love of her husband. You see, he stayed by her. He helped her every day. When she couldn't walk, even though he wasn't young himself, he would carry her frail frame to the bathroom. He had to do everything for her, but you would never hear even a noise of complaint from him. He loved her so much that it was the only right thing to do, and it made him happy. When she died, he was heartbroken. He died two weeks later.
You see, true love and care for a person goes beyond their physical and mental state. "Sickness and health" as the vows go. I know that maybe your relationship isn't to that point of commitment, but if you do truly, deeply love someone, that love goes beyond any disease.
It's the opposite for me. I'm the one with the medical condition in my relationship situation. As much as I love my partner, I would understand if he one day reaches a point where he just can't stay. I hope that doesn't happen, and he is adamant that it won't but I know it must be unspeakably hard for him to put up with me. I have a hard time putting up with me, why would I expect it to be easier for someone else?