Thursday, 09 August 2012
-
Some Real Talk On Virginity: A Little Sensitivity, Please? (Part 2)
I'm 24-years-old. I have a few friends around my age who, for varying reasons, either haven't had sex yet, or lost their virginity very recently (i.e. within the past year or so). I don't believe that they're cultural anomalies. In fact, I believe that there are many undercover 20-something virgins floating around -- they simply don't go around broadcasting their virginity.If you're one such 20-something, I swear to you -- you're not alone.
I often hear people chat about sex with a grating air of flippancy (think Angela Hayes, Mena Suvari's character in American Beauty), apparently under the assumption that no one in the room is a virgin (ever play a game of Never Have I Ever at a college party? *OY*) -- treating virginity like some sort of big, public joke that everyone is in on.Firstly, please be aware that for some -- much like Angela Hayes -- this is not an indicator of sexual ease/comfortability/liberation, but, to the contrary, a defense mechanism/evidence of extreme insecurity. Yep... Psych 101. Sometimes, the bigger the talk, the smaller the confidence/range of actual experience.
Don't get me wrong. I talk about sex ALL. THE. TIME. [I mean, I'm a datingish contributor. Come now...] My friends can attest to the fact that this is a huge part of my personality/sense of humor. I'm quite obviously no prude. I won't deny that, and I wouldn't want to.
I think that it's important to be open, honest, and conversational about sex, but I *also* think that it's important to tailor your tone to your audience.
In the appropriate company (i.e. friends who I've known for a long, long time -- B. & T., I *know* you're out there reading this! Hi!), I'm often as crude and raunchy as can be. That said, I believe that we should *all* take responsibility for what we say and to whom we say it.
Maybe I'm speaking from a place of protectiveness towards my friends who haven't had sex or even towards my 19-year-old self (please see Part 1 -- Some Real Talk On Virginity...), but whenever I hear people discuss virginity with such blatant disrespect, it makes my insides bristle.
It's *THIS* sort of dialogue that made me feel so isolated, unattractive, and depressed as a teenager. It's *THIS* sort of dialogue that warped my attitude towards my virginity and prompted me to seek out an unhealthy, inorganic "first time" five years ago.For some, although sex may be fun and pleasurable, it ultimately doesn't mean much. For others, sex is a BIG deal -- maybe the BIGGEST. It's CHARGED with emotion and LAYERED with meaning -- anything but casual. And that's FINE. In fact, that's *BEAUTIFUL.*
If you're reading this, I implore you to speak mindfully, especially when it comes to topics as sensitive as sex & sexuality. Consider what you're saying. Consider how it might be received.
You never know what the people around you are thinking, feeling, or experiencing. You don't know where they come from, what they've been through, or what they're currently struggling with.
Your words -- no matter how benign your intent -- can *REALLY* rattle/injure people.
Your words hold power. So please -- select them with care.Has anyone ever made a comment about sex/sexuality/virginity that really rubbed you the wrong way? Once again, if you're a virgin and you're comfortable speaking up, is there anything you'd like to add or share?
image source
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: Jeanette
- Name: Jeanette
- Location: Long Island, New York, United States
- About Me: I'm fascinated by human behavior! How we -- as human beings and members of this society -- relate to one another in sex and love is particularly interesting to me.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 16 Views: 0 55157 Comments: 0 439 View all posts by Jeanette
Comments (30)
I'm not a virgin but I wish I was (typical line)...I have the highest respect for people who keep theirvirginity and the lowest respect for people who call them "prudes".
You mean normal people right? Misusing the word rape drives me crazy, but other than that nothing a normal person has ever said about sex has rubbed me the wrong way.
"Has anyone ever made a comment about sex/sexuality/virginity that really rubbed you the wrong way?"
Only every single day.
I used to have casual, empty meaningless sex, but I'm done with that. Now I want to make love and have sex with someone that I care about.
It's so easy to find someone to fuck, but it's hard to find someone to make love to.
I've never talked about sex with females, not any female in my family, not my female friends, not female strangers elsewhere. I talk about sex with some guy friends and guys I'm interested in or currently with. I don't want to hear about my friends' sex lives. it seems incestual and creepy to hear about it because they are ilke sisters to me. same with my family members-I don't want to know and I don't want to hear their advice. it isn't like they know much about it since they are the generation where they don't even know what oral sex is, so they are more naive/conservative than my generation. I don't want to scar them with the visuals of basic sex conversation or new positions, not the other way around where they'll embarrass me. the only time that my mother mentioned sex was when she read about this celeb sex scandal and told me about it. then I looked up the news and saw images that I didn't want to see but saw them anyway out of curiosity and I can't believe all those women wanted that guy when he has a small weiner rofl he's a celebrity but still...I hope my celebrity crushes aren't disappointing naked. I've seen them nearly naked, but just that area is mysterious. what teases! take it off!!!:D however, if they're often naked, then it wouldn't be as exciting since I've seen it all.
the word "cum" really turns me off and ruins most of my mood. it reminds me of the kumquat fruit name and I know cum didn't originate from that word, but it just isn't sexy nor evoke any urge to "cum" from me
words like unload, unleash, explode, etc will probably work. it also reminds me of a wussy boy acting hardcore using slang words. I just can't find it appealing. I have my reasons for disliking and they have theirs for liking things. some could find the things that I find appealing to be disgusting or vice versa. if you're always trying not to offend their sensibilities, then chat forums or public blogs won't exist.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - if you're asian (korean?) I think I know what sex scandal you're talking about... don't know why I think it's this specific one but I do.
sex is like kissing--sometimes it can be meaningful but there's nothing wrong with the raunchy hot ones
I am certainly not comfortable with people throwing around sex like it's nothing, to me, it's most definitely something. I don't know how people can have one night stands, I have to be attracted to someone as a whole (not just looks) before I even want to have sex with them, or before I'm even able to get pleasure from having sex with them. If I were to have a one night stand the thoughts I would have during sex would be something like, "I wonder if he showered today." "He probably likes watching westerns, eww I hate westerns." "Does he brush his teeth daily?" "When is the last time he washed his hands?" "He probably belongs to a cult." .. not to mention thoughts about all the STDs that condoms don't prevent one from catching.. it would totally distract me from even having an orgasm. Anyway, with that being said, I respect virgins, or those who are waiting for the right person.
i'm a virgin still, it is challenging at times, but ultimately worth it to wait until the right person comes into you life.
so, i thought about this long and hard (that's what she said!) to make sure i really believed my opinion on this is correct--and i have concluded that yes, i am right. past a certain age (maybe 19 or 20?), yes, if you haven't lost your virginity, you really should take a good look at yourself and figure out what the problem is. this doesn't apply to you if you are actively and intentionally not banging anyone (e.g. you have moral prohibitions, possibly religious in nature). i'm talking about the people who want to have sex but have been unsuccessful in their endeavors. there is a reason that the opposite (or same) sex isn't responding to you, and it's better you figure that out at age 19 than at age 40 when it's too late.
that being said, i absolutely disapprove of putting those individuals in uncomfortable positions. much like the op, i have friends who lost their respective virginities way too late (2 just this year, at ages 26 and 28) and i can only imagine how difficult it must have been for them to get out of bed and live their lives every single day, knowing that if the wrong person finds out, their reputations will be ruined. this is why you always see me bitching about girls who judge guys for having no sexual experience. you are painted as an outcast and it's not fucking right. i even experimented earlier this year, telling girls that i'm a virgin--i did it with 3 girls, and 2 of them didn't return my texts the next day. the third one (who, by the way, was a 23 yo virgin) told me that she'd prefer someone with experience, but wouldn't hold it against me. since guys are supposed to take the proactive role in dating, people draw a lot of conclusions about you based on how "good" you are at getting girls.
my comments have gotten waaaaay too long in the past few weeks. can you guys stop writing provocative posts? thanks.
on a separate but related note, i am always amused by the people here who say they find sex to be an emotional experience. in my entire life, i have only known 2 girls with this opinion. one is a friend of mine, and the other was a girl i was banging in grad school--but even she and i started out casually (obviously). might be a new york bias though. this might be the most promiscuous city on the planet.
*hugs* <3 Thanks.
18 year old virgin here, hey, how you doin'?
With everyone so nonchalant and so open about sex, sometimes I do feel like there's something wrong with me. Like, why hasn't it happened for me? I mean, I want to wait until I think it's with someone who I could see myself spending my life with, but no guy has ever really tried to get in my pants.
But I've had conversations with guys friends who have told me they totally would. Even asked and I totally said no. (I'm so not ready - it's a big thing for me)
I do kind of wish that people were more... Sensitive about sex because to me it is a big, personal thing. But I'd rather they'd shut the heck up about rape. I hate when people joke about it or talk about it like it's no big thing. Disgusting.
So far it seems I've been fortunate enough not to come across anyone so completely unabashed and crude with the topic of sex and virginity. Then again, I try to stay away from it.
And yes, I see sex of any kind as - The Red Hour.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao9Wxov9lQM
I'm an adult and I've been one for a very long time now. If you are a virgin and you are somehow embarrassed by that, you're probably not mature enough to have sex yet anyway. Seriously, I was once a virgin in college and I didn't even die of embarrassment when I told people because I had my own views of when I would choose to give my virginity to somebody. Virgins just need to own it and quit whining about it. American culture is such that being sexually active is talked about and yeah, too many people assume nobody is a virgin, but that is a fairly safe bet when speaking to a group of grownups.
Nothing wrong with being a virgin. People assume stuff of people all the time.
I thin I can honestly say, I don't remember ever being rubbed the wrong way
I'm 24 in less than a month. I talk about sex all the time w/ my friends. I'm perfectly comfortable around this topic-- I just personally haven't found someone I love enough to give mine up yet.
I agree. I think you simply shouldn't be insulting, judgemental and prejudiced. I do think we are responsible for what we say and that that there's much power in words, but obviosuly that applies to all areas of life. Personally I can think of much more sensitive issues than sex, but then, to me, it simply isn't a big deal. The problem I is when people DO make it a big deal to young people who haven't had it yet.
I'm glad to be waiting for sex. I definitely fall into the category of "sex means a whole lot and I don't want to waste it on a man who isn't my husband". That being said, I've gotten plenty of comments insulting my decision, even from my own dad. "Friends" at a bachelorette party began talking about me because I am one of the only virgins left from that group of people. Their insult? They didn't want me to wait til I got married to the guy I'm now dating because he "isn't the best sex of anyone's life" (he has a past, people change) and that would be all I would ever know.
My opinion? That's exactly how I want it. I don't want to rate sex like some Olympic event and compare oodles of men. I want one man for my entire life, the one who is the father of my children. What makes sex great beyond mere physicality? The trust, vulnerability, and committed love of spouses. Yep. And that's why I wait.
I agree with most here, wait till you believe the person is the right one, who will understand your level of commitment, feelings, and be able to reciprocate.
One thing that bothers me more than anything is that men do not openly talk about the truth about sleeping with virgins. How much it hurts the girl. Some may know, but I've never heard it as a consideration. I've heard fellow friends say they didn't want to sleep with some girl because of the responsibility, which even though that makes them a jerk in ways, I also agree that they shouldn't, because by their mindset, they would not be able to create the type of connection she would need and deserves. That's my greatest pet peeve, guys, you need to get educated in how much it hurts her... maybe you'll understand then, and not be pushy to have sex, or get bothered when she gets all upset that it hurts. And yeah, it still sucks for her, while its awesome for you. So think about that... everything about the bedroom is to be respected.. and if your partner is hurt in the process of sex, even if your just beginning your sex life together.. be considerate, don't be butthurt.
Talk. Snuggle, take time.. and never rush. Big props to anyone who's still a virgin these days, because where I'm sitting, it's still pretty darn rare in my mind.
I don't usually comment on Datingish but here I felt like I would add my take.
I'm a 29 year-old virgin; the one girlfriend I ever had, after dating for a year and a half, broke up with me because I had made a promise to wait until marriage; she didn't, nor did she want to. Eventually I felt called to enter a religious order and to begin training to be a priest (still five years away until that day) but a part of that training--after your first two years--you make your perpetual vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.
This means I will be a virgin for the rest of my life, not because the Church is making me but because I've freely chose to say "No, but thank you" to expressing my love for others in a sexual way. I still give myself in love in a total way, but I do so through ministry; not through sex. The love, attention, sacrifice, devotion and all else that I would have, one day, given to my wife I give instead to the Church and the people I encounter day by day. Is it easy? Of course not! But nothing worth giving your life to, be it marriage, religious life, or anything else, is easy. But it is good and more fulfilling than I could possibly have imagined. The last six years of my life have been the most joyous of them all.
It still fascinates me, though, that when I encounter people, especially young people, the first thing they want to talk about is "So, that means no sex?" as though that were the primary reality of my life. I often get to surprise them, though, with my joy and how fulfilled I feel in my life even without *gasp* sex. Am I ridiculed, harassed and otherwise made fun of for being a virgin, especially for choosing virginity until I die? Absolutely. But considering the ridicule Christ received in His life, I feel as though I am in good company.
@itsaverb@xanga - Sister!
I'm 23 and still a virgin. Although it's not something I bring up at dinner parties, I've never denied it. Some of my friends think it's strange, but they don't treat me differently, and most people don't give a crap. I know it'll happen when the time's right, and I've found the right person, but until then I have much bigger and better things to worry about. :)
i'm actually surprised. you either don't see enough girls or you just zone into people who want to be detached from their relationships, those who enjoy only casual relationships and want nothing serious.
i believe detached sex is the most boring sort of sex. it requires little commitment, time, and energy. with the right physical precautions it is also a safe deal, mentally.
the reason why people experience emotional sex is because it isn't focused on the pleasure of sex itself, but rather the joining of two separate bodies, or of two separate identities. sometimes sex is an act of consolation. whatever it is, the intent is far from simple sexual pleasure.
if you do not experience emotional sex it's because you do not invest emotion. It is boring, but it's safe. so your friends play it safe, and maybe you too?
chow~
@Ancient_Scribe@xanga - Ha! I find it amusing (yet also kind of sad) that some people think we can't get through this life without sexual relationships. I'm sorry you get asked those questions so frequently! I'll definitely be taking your advice next time it gets brought up. Thank you for your commitment to the Church! JMJ
So happy that someone finally speak up about the alternatives. I waited until I got married, and I am so happy I did. Things turned out alot different from what mass media portrayed, and we worked and learned about each other together. It is without anxiety, performance pressure, or stress. Just safe, patience, and love. It is something so intimate I cannot imagine being with anyone else but him. I also know he will not cheat on me because even when we were very tempted during our years of dating, we were able to stay with our commitment and waited. Of course, I don't feel like I can tell people who are not Christians how they should live their lives, but for Christians please know that it is possible and great to live out what the Bible teaches. By the way, as far as I can tell, most of my friends also waited, and I have ALOT of good friends. And no, we are not people only dressed in long skirts and put hair in a bun. We are happy, successful, beautiful, confident women.