Wednesday, 08 August 2012
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Bitter Much? The Life of a Single Mother
In my past two relationships, I've been completely screwed over. My ex-husband seemed to find his happiness in my (ex) best friend's arms, and the guy I was engaged to seemed to look for a way out after the announcement that, "surprise!" I was pregnant! So after the lovely departure of these d-bags, I have found myself scared to let anyone in.
Sometimes I still think about what the hell I did wrong to deserve it all, and then there are some days I just don't care anymore. I'm a single mother of two beautiful boys and work my ass off every day to make sure that where I go in life supports them. During that, I have an opportunity to meet someone new, go out on a date, see where it leads... but I can't seem to stop thinking about it all, and think, "I'm not about to fall for the bs again."
I'm cold, numb, and bitter to the male population, and I can't seem to come out of this funk to try and meet some great guy who I could spend the rest of my life with, and help me raise two great little boys.Is this just me, or is there anyone else out there who has experienced/is experiencing this cold, bitter way after being eff'd over? And if you got through it, can you let me know how?
I'd love to meet Mr. Right & not Mr. Right Now, or Mr. I Only Want You RIGHT now.
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- From: tpriester@xanga
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Comments (16)
I have a friend who is the same way. The thing is, she's become so down on herself that she only dates guys that are not quality. It seems like the less she believes in herself, the more her standards go down so that now all that she dates is men who will undoubtedly let her down. I wish her so much happiness and that she would realize that a great man will come along.
Standards, time and patience can really help determine how intertwined you become with someone so that you can see who he really is before it gets serious. Date as much as you feel free too but keep things light so you can make positive decisions and not based on one man.
i feel you. i'm pretty disenchanted with the female population, though for very different reasons--i've never been f'ed over, i've just found it impossible to find girls who have the kind of drive and independence that i seek (and that i'd like to argue i exhibit myself). i also don't realistically see myself changing my perspective on this in the near future.
best of luck to you, though--i hope someone can offer you more than i just did.
OMG, I'm exactly like you at this stage of my life. I'm a single mom with one kid. After my divorce, I was involved with a guy for almost two years. We broke up recently because he couldn't commit to me. After this, I questioned everything about myself and my love life. I wondered what I've done to deserve all this. I doubt whether love is for me at all. And like you, looking ahead, I feel scared, I think men are born to break my heart. I'm not sure I'd ever get involved with anyone again.
I hope you'll find a way out of this messy frame of mind. It's not a good thing to be that negative but something inside me just shut down completely after all the failed relationships. If one day you meet someone who can make you fall in love again, please share your story here. I'd be waiting for that day. :)
I'm in the military and you may have heard of the crazy high divorce rates of young military members. Out of my platoon of 40 people, about 25 of them are under 30 years old. About 15 out of those 25 have been divorced; two people actually have had two divorces. There's no easy answer for you, but I'll give you the same advice that I give my Marines: Give it time before you go back into a serious relationship. Since you have kids and you need to support them through work and etc. you probably feel like you're drowning in responsibilities - don't let that overwhelming feeling trick you into thinking you need a significant other to help you. Have you ever heard of the adage, "You first have to learn to live alone before you can live as a couple"? It's the same way for single parents. If you need help supporting your kids, talk to your parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, pastors, anyone that can give you guidance - most people don't know how much support is actually available to them until they ask.
When you start dating again, the first thing you should put out there is that you have two wonderful children that means more to you than any stranger can. Have them understand that. Don't force yourself to trust another person if it doesn't feel natural, there's nothing wrong with taking time to get to know a person, especially since you have two children depending on you to make the right decisions. And never forget that you have time, that you're young, and that you have two kids, so you can't be alone.
One of my dear friends is a single dad to 2 teens (his daughter is 14 and his adopted son is 17).. His daughter's birthmom walked out when she was 3 days old.. 8 years later he finally opened his heart to another woman, she ended up abusing his daughter and being a total psycho.. Right now he has decided that he is going to be single til both his kids are married and have their own homes... but his kids are threatening to send him on The Bachelor.
That sucks, and who says women are the only jerks here? I feel ya for real. It took me a long, long, long damn time to find a guy who was willing to stick around for more than a month.
I mean I don't have kids I'm just a middle aged adult with no baggage and I still couldn't land a steady relationship for a long time.
Finally I met someone a few years back who is at least willing to stay and have a fun relationship. That's all I was basically asking from a dude and the dudes before him just thought about hooking up and not even hanging out as friends. It took me 3 years to find someone who was at least willing to stick around for a couple of years and not just a night. A lot of scum bags before him. You'll get there even if it takes time. I finally found a true fwb except we are more than that because we always take road trips together and he's introduced me to his family. I'm even best friends with one of his sisters I met through him.
The other guys just couldn't get it through their heads that I wasn't necessarily asking for a relationship just for a guy to see me as more than a quickie. I have plenty of platonic guy friends, but I'd also like a guy that I am physically attracted to who I can do things with and none of my platonic guy friends before him was I physically attracted to like that.
Frankly, I think you should just focus on looking after your kids and not giving a second thought as to whom you're going to date next. The right guy will come along eventually. (And when I say this, I do mean it; to clarify; if you are busy living your life with your family and you meet a guy somewhere along the road whilst doing that, it's likely he will be suited for you because he's on the same path. Rather than going out to "search" for someone. I hope that makes sense). If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Yeah this is my life. Plus whenever I do meet a guy who wants to get serious with me I get the "I love kids, I want to have some one day!"
Sorry, my shop is closed. I am not going to have THREE baby daddies.
So yeah, single forever. Unless I meet a single dad with a dead beat baby momma and a job who is decent looking and smart??? Yeah...
"I'm cold, numb, and bitter to the male population..."
"I'd love to meet Mr. Right & not Mr. Right Now, or Mr. I Only Want You RIGHT now."
I thought you said you're bitter.
Stop lying.
I've been there. There is really no true method to get over that funk but let time help heal your heart. I was completely cynical after my big heartbreak with my marriage ending after sharing 7 years of togetheness. I built up walls around my heart..swearing that never again will I allow a guy to hurt me again. But in honesty, even though you might feel like saying "fuck men. they're all the same," it's not true. There are still good genuine guys out there. Just be cautious and weed out the jerks now that your heart's known the pain & become wiser from the experience. Best wishes to you and your boys. Hope you will find happiness again.
Demi Lovato's "Give Your Heart A Break" comes to mind when reading this post..
Well, first of all, it's certainly nothing you did wrong. I don't know how old you are, but guys who are young and who are also "good guys" are hard to come by, especially these days, it's unfortunate, however, there are some out there.. somewhere. If you truly want a man in your life, don't give up, you'll find a good one.
I think you need a confidence boost to let yourself accept a great a guy. A lot of women push great guys away because they don't think they deserve them. :(
The very term "single mother" implies that you were never married. A divorced lady with two kids is far more acceptable to a man that an unmarried mother of two. One is normal but an unmarried mother of two implies stupidity and a sluttish nature not to be trusted. I suggest you drop the term if you want to attract a man.
Becoming bitter in relationships happens. Having a relationship means that you are trusting another person to invade your life, but not destroy it. When someone does, you expect the next one to, also.
Seek counseling.
I don't have any advice, but I can promise you that there are good men out there.