I hate, hate, HATE all the
rules and regulations that seem to come with
dating. I HATE having to wait an allotted amount of time to initiate an exchange, return a text message, etc. When I suspect that a love interest is jerking my chain (i.e. playing hard to get or taking upwards of a full day to respond to a text), I begin to lose any sense of emotional investment. In other words, I check out -- probably as some sort of defense mechanism.
There's nothing that turns me off more than someone who seems as if he could take or leave me.
I've never been one for
the chase.
Cat-and-mouse games don't pique my intrigue -- they frustrate, confuse, and exhaust me. From where I stand, the
real fun begins *AFTER* two people have openly acknowledged their feelings for one another.
If I don't feel secure, I can't relax. If I can't relax, I can't
be myself or
enjoy myself.
There's little that aggravates me more than people who act all cool, coy, and aloof in dating situations. Many of us care -- in some cases, more than we'd like to admit. So why the pretense?
In case this hasn't yet come across in my other Datingish posts -- I'm a
straight-shooter... super-honest, sometimes to a fault... a firm believer in
directness. As far as I'm concerned, if someone doesn't appreciate or feel comfortable with this, he's not right for me anyway. Might as well let my true colors surface off the bat. If it makes him head for the hills...
ciao, baby.
The thing is (oh, yes --
there's a thing) -- a number of my friends seem to
thrive on the chase. The chase is their favorite part of dating. In fact, it may be the only part of dating they *actually* enjoy.
One of my friends has a habit of developing intense crushes on unattainable dudes. When they suddenly
become attainable and express interest, she immediately
loses interest.
Talk about a comedy of errors...
Mmm, power dynamics... I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!
Do you enjoy the chase? If so, why? If not, why not?
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Comments (28)
lol I love it! So in other words you don't believe in putting on a facade to simply get to know someone?Laying it all out on the table is your usual preference? Hmmm...I don't mind the chase, as long it's not an offset of mind games in the process. It is a defense mechanism. Especially when you're guarded.
I enjoy the chase unless I am the one being chased. I want a guy to be a bit of a challenge. Not impossible, but a challenge. I like the actual relationship after it's started, but I don't want it to be too easy.
I do the hard to get thing, but it's because I actually am hard to get. I don't want to be trapped in a relationship with someone I don't actually feel attracted to. And normally, I don't develop attraction for anyone who I think is after me. I have to be the first one to develop attraction. I guess maybe that's because I like the idea of being cool enough to be able to win the man of my choice over, rather than someone trying to win me over. I like the idea of being the beautiful, seductive woman who can use her charm to win over the partner she wants. If someone comes after me, I don't get to be that woman.
But if the chase part goes on too long, then it's just frustrating.
it is natural for humans to assign value to things that are difficult to get. i'm a pretty direct person myself (i think it comes with growing up in the tristate) but i also acknowledge that there is an aspect to human psychology that we can't override. i'm pretty certain if i saw you on the street and said "nice shoes, wanna fuck?" you wouldn't exactly respond positively.
i remember reading about a psych study in which there were 2 groups of children. in both groups, the children were given toys and told they were allowed to play with all but one (maybe a truck? i don't know). one group was told there would be a harsh punishment; in the other, only a mild one. after some time, the researchers told the subjects that they were allowed to play with the toy. the subjects in the first group really liked the toy upon later evaluation. humans want things that are assigned value. the psych term for this is effort justification, i think--okay, here's a link, since we all know wikipedia is a 100% accurate and reliable source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effort_justification .
that all being said, i'm significantly more interested in the girl who's willing to be (somewhat) direct, doesn't want to play too many games (a little bit okay), and generally has a lot of options by myself, so that i know she is choosing me by choice, and not desperation.
No, I'm a straight shooter like you too. Mind games get boring after 2 hours.
I think people who thrive on "the chase" are largely responsible for why the divorce rate is so high.
im not going to lie, i do like the chase a bit bc i want to know that he will go the extra mile for me and make me feel special bc i would do the same for him.
I don't like it all. I prefer to be honest and open about things. I'm not going to waste my time on someone who is pretending to be disinterested.
I have a crush on an unattainable married man with kids, who most likely won't risk his career reputation to be with me. I know this but he is so dreamy and daydreamably delicious
if he actually remembers my name and greets me by my name next time, I'm gonna be shellshocked and faint straight into his arms
he makes all the other men look so ugly that I can't be bothered to look at them. he is way too good for me. but the others aren't really good enough. I feel too good for those losers but not good enough for my sexy boss crush. I'm usually arrogant, but around him, I feel nervous
if my crush at work chased me, then I've won the lottery
it'll be like a kpop star chasing after me
*jigglypuff giggle*
Like your friend, I tend to develop crushes on guys who are unattainable... But I still can't thrive on "the chase alone." Like you, I prefer the chase to be as short as possible. It's not that I don't enjoy it at all, but rather that I get too restless if the guy takes too long to "chase" me.
I understand your point very well and I despise the chase. I haven't had a serious relationship since highschool because girls my age have been very dilly dally; they usually only date for the thrill of either knowing they have power over me or for the one night stands. One of the last girls I dated was stringing me along for about two weeks, despite myself presenting full well that I liked her. When I got sick of it, she immediately became all attached just to try and pique my interest again.
In my personal opinion, I feel like people who aren't ready for real relationships tend to play the "dating game" more and people who are receptive of the idea of a serious relationship, one where a few fights don't break you up, will be more willing to present themselves without the facade. Just as a disclaimer, that is my belief and mine alone based on the girls I have dated and the relationships I have experienced - in no means am I trying to say young people are reckless or any of the such.
Annoys me to no ends.
The chase is only fun within the first couple weeks of you trying to gauge their interest, and anything after that just ruins the experience and becomes a turn-off.
I hate "the chase". To me, it's a massive turn-off and it's not something I find even remotely appealing. What I hate is people who don't reply to texts, calls or messages because they think it'll make them more "appealing" or because they think it'll make me want them more. My ex was like that, and it was the main reason I broke up with him. I got so fed up with his lack of communication, and of course he told me I was "needy". And I'm not talking about him not responding for a few hours, I'm talking about four or five days at a time, getting in touch with a message, then going off the radar again (we were long distance). After our break-up, his ex before me got in touch and said he'd done the same thing to her, so not to blame myself too much.
I don't like the chase, but sometimes, like this old man who is obsessed with me who thinks kinda like your way, except he is far too desperate about it. He told me when I see what I want I'm going for it. And I told him that doesn't mean I'll want him back. It depends on the way people make it known come across. Like this old man is very desperate that he'll do almost anything to try to be with me he can't take no for an answer when someone doesn't want him.
On the third day of ever knowing me, literally, he bought me an "expensive" pair of earrings even though I never asked for them and I told him the moment he showed interest in me I did not want him that way and he still proceeded to this day trying to get with me. After some time, a person's gotta learn to quit.
No games for me. Perpetually dating was not my ultimate goal, and actually, I never seemed to like guys who didn't like me back. Unrequited love sounds sucky.
I hate "the chase" too. Its confusing and a waste of time.
The Chase brings a lot of un-needed drama. Relationships can be difficult enough as it is; why add another layer of deception and bullshit to them?
Except for a small amount of "the chase" (let's face it, chicks want to be considered worth it, and a guy wants to "win") most of it is a red flag.
If there's too much chase involved, here's what it means
For her: She's got an insatiable ego that must always be fed. The second you think you've got her, and try to settle in to a relationship, she'll get bored, and look for someone else because you "don't treat her right, don't pay attention to her" anymore.
For him: Once he gets you, he's the one that's bored. It was never about you, it was always about adding one more notch on his belt, so to say.
So if it's genuinely trying to romance someone you care for, then it's great fun and the "magic" that is a new relationship.
If it's the stuff you mention, waiting a set time to return texts, playing aloof, etc... it's the chase. It's bullshit and it's a waste of time as well as a red flag.
I have tried to play it a bit cooler while in college because I don't want to come off needy. It ended up being completely pointless because I realized at the end of it all, if a guy really likes me, he won't take my interest and liking to him as "neediness" and he'll be thrilled when I text him "want to get dinner this weekend?" or some other plan. That's how it should be. None of these dumb games and "the chase".
be careful with these good posts, you'll get booted.
ok to address the actual topic here, i agree. while i do think that there is a certain amount of value to it in that something that is too easily won is taken for granted, the games and BS should just be dropped. i'm pretty straightforward as well for the most part, though there are times when i will hold my peace because the timing or situation is not right or because the interest is not mutual. doesn't mean i wouldn't test the waters occasionally.
I'm " a firm believer in directness" <-- Me too! Say what you're thinking and mean what you say. Relationships (and life in general) are so much easier that way.
That said, I haven't always been direct--I've grown more direct with time, age, maturity, etc. I used to like the chase, the drama--but then again, that was high school and college, and playing hard to get and being coy and dramatic can be fun when you're young and silly. I think in general when someone likes the chase more than being in a relationship, it's because they don't really want to be in a relationship, or aren't ready for one.
I love being treated like I'm worth the effort, but I don't love (or tolerate) being jerked around. No more games for me.
The chase is AWESOME. It's like a gamble. It also is the way you earn what you want, without work and just getting what you want can not only be boring but show signs of a push-over (don't know about you but I like my guy with his own identity and confidence to know his own value enough to make someone work for it).
I also happen to be extremely direct with who I am or how I feel about a situation, but the sugarcoating of that does come into play during the chase. Not to say I hide who I am, but...the game is just too fun. Then no more.
"One of my friends has a habit of developing intense crushes on unattainable dudes. When they suddenly become attainable and express interest, she immediately loses interest. Talk about a comedy of errors..."
So do most women under the age of 30. They keep pick-up artists in business.
admirable. In short, this isn't kindergarten. When you know what you want and see that in a person, you should let them know and see where things go. If more individuals that wanted to do this actually did it, you'd find those straightforward folks finding someone to be happy with much faster than those who like the chase and would rather stick to social standards and mind games than show themselves.
i love the chase..but its hard to act uninterested if you are very interested..