I am not the type to parade my love life (or lack of) on the harsh Internet, but I'm hoping to get an objective opinion on my...situation.
And here we go.
A little background detail on me, I'm a soon-to-be junior in high school in California. I'm the 'innocent' one among my group of friends because of my lack of experience in dating. Especially American dating. I spent 6 years, from 4th grade to first semester of high school, in South Korea. In Asia, dating is more conservative and less sexual than in the US.
So, when I first came to the Golden State, I was bewildered by sexual references and what guys want. A year has passed since my arrival and I would say I'm more comfortable with sex, but still adamant about my resolution of no sex at least before engagement. I have never kissed a boy and I do not know if I would change my mind about oral sex when I get a boyfriend. Now, onto my 'situation'.
I got to know this boy, Albert, at school through theater. I was attracted to him in the beginning and was basically an embarrassingly love sick teenage girl. I was shy about my feelings and was quiet, when he started going out with a friend of mine. I'm the type to squash jealous feelings and make every effort for my friends to be happy. So, I wished them the best and let go of my attraction for Albert.
But then, my friend broke up with him because she was leaving for college and told me to take care of him. I started to text him and soon we were texting constantly. I basically told him that I like him (this was long after their breakup), but his response wasn't encouraging. So, I resolved to be nothing but a good friend. Everything simmered down for a while and we didn't communicate for a few weeks; then he texted me out of the blue.
The texts were just like before, but then he kept telling me he was horny. My reaction was, "Why the fuck is he telling me this...." Yeah, naive to a fault, that's me. I soon figured out that he wanted to get in my pants which shocked me. I thought we were friends! And then he told me that he had feelings for me, but he doesn't think that he could handle a relationship without a bit more than kissing.
I was disappointed that he couldn't get over that, so that transformed my confusion into certainty that I won't go out with him, unless he thinks that I'm worth the wait. But I was determined to stay friends with him because from the conversations I had with him, it seems like he has emotional baggage and I want to be there for him. However, lately he's pulled away from me and stopped texting me.
I tried texting him about it and I finally let my frustration out and told him I'm done. I feel terrible because I want to be there for him, but I feel like the friendship was one-sided. He didn't make much of an effort in the last few days that I texted him and I'm lost.
Any advice for a hormonal teenage girl?
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Comments (47)
"Any advice for a hormonal teenage girl?"
Yes.
Stop fucking around with boys and do your homework. Get through school first; you'll have plenty of time later to make sexual mistakes that you'll come to regret.
^ What he said.
It's not worth it if he can't respect what you want. I was in a somewhat similar situation when I was 16. I didn't give in to what he wanted, and to this day, I am glad that I didn't. Letting go of him was INCREDIBLY hard (the hardest breakup ever... it sucks being a hormonal girl!) but just know that you will discover, as I did, that you'll meet guys that are way cooler and when you're ready for more than kissing, you'll know and YOU make that call.
Let him go and don't feel guilty. Guys are going to try to do that to you in order to get into your pants. When it comes to sex, you should only go as far as you feel comfortable going. PERIOD. Any guy who tries to gets you to go further is only manipulating you. Don't do more than you are ready for, EVER. If you do, you will only regret it later.
he wants to hit it and quit it. he doesn't give you the time of day unless you want to have sex, so you're better off without him. he doesn't act like a friend, he's just a horny whore. it would be best to stay away from him if you don't want to get stds. you can still get stds from oral sex. mouth herpes.
I gave this guy, who had a crush on me, a chance when I was in high school. he would quietly sit with my circle of friends during lunch. it was creepy cute. I think he just wanted to stare at me
he didn't directly stare at me, but he would listen to his music on his media player and look at me from the corner of his eyes
it was nice to have an admirer, so I let him hang around me. he asked me to be his gf but I declined. I barely knew him. we didn't even date yet, so I won't just jump into being bf/gf. he's weird and too eager to get into a relationship with me. he likely thinks that I'll have sex with him once I'm his gf.
I pretty much agree with what everyone else said. It seems like once he found out you weren't going to do anything with him he lost interest. If a boy likes you he'll respect your morals and boundaries. Don't worry about being there for him. You did your best and if he didn't appreciate your friendship that's his loss.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "he likely thinks that I'll have sex with him once I'm his gf."
He sure has a dirty mind...
Don't let emotions get in the way here. Don't feel sorry and that you have to be there for him. He sounds like the type that only wants to talk if he needs something from you. If not, he'll be silent and absent from your life.
"He sounds like the type that only wants to talk if he needs something from you."
The key word being "needs". Really take the time and consider what it means.
If he needs something from her, he needs to talk to her.
Whether he wants to or not is apparently irrelevant.
Let's all pretend there is no horny girl behind this post.
Here's my advice you better get used to standing your ground and having guys lose interest in you if you don't have sex. The one's that really like you will stick around and will be willing to wait but this isn't just something you will experience in your teen years get used to it, it never ends.
It sounds like he just wants a rebound girl. He is more interested in sex than a relationship.
@Living_just_2_breathe@xanga - Perfectly said.
The general rule for males is "When it doubt, they're probably trying to get in your pants.". Don't trust what they say, and if it's not what you want(which I applaud you for), then move on. If someone refuses you because you they want you to do something you don't, then they're not worth your time. It's your life, not theirs.
You're 16. Do whatever makes you happy. You're old enough to decided for yourself what you want to do or not do.
ughhh this is going to be a long one...and by the way, you can pretty much never go wrong by listening to @QuantumStorm@xanga or me. (usually we agree, though in this case i might slightly disagree--more below.)
listen. we were all starry-eyed virgin teenagers at one point too. there was a time when i also believed in waiting till marriage, and then i asked myself...why? what is my reason for doing so? it's one thing if it's for religious reasons, but then i have to ask why you think oral sex isn't a huge loophole. (actually, i have to ask you the same question anyway.) it's all the same shit--someone else is getting you off. i don't see why it's ANY different if there's a p in your v, instead of fingers or a tongue or whatever. maybe i'm just missing something, i don't know. in any case, you could be 30 or older before you get married. do you really want to miss out on the best years of your life? the other alternative is that you do what the norm seems to be for the no-premarital-sex crowd, where you get married when you're like 21 cause you want to fuck so badly...then realize 3 years later that you never gave yourself the opportunity to date around and see what else is out there (or otherwise experience life before settling down). so you get divorced, maybe even after a kid or two, and your life is an ENTIRE shitshow when no guy under the age of 35 wants to date you because you have kids. (also, to say "i will never get divorced" is a naive statement. nobody gets married thinking "you know, i might divorce this one in a few years.")
now, it should be pretty clear that i'm a big proponent of punching your v card earlier rather than later, but probably not as early as age 16, and probably not with this dude unless you're okay with being fuck buddies with him. and this is where i agree with qstorm--at your age, you really should be caring a *lot* more about school than anything else. your education is your livelihood. it's one thing if you've got parents who are going to baby you for your entire life, but you should never count on anything like that. i didn't get a job making the money i do by being a slacker. i got it because i am on top of my shit. i've interviewed at dozens of companies, and interview candidates for my current company all the time. a piece of paper stating you graduated does not suffice in certain industries (i'm speaking only for finance, i guess). they will grill the shit out of you and expect you to have actually learned something in class. and you don't even get that interview if you didn't go to the "right" schools and have a good gpa (or at least have a connection, but again, that's your parents coddling you). BLS stats for unemployment: high school diploma 8.7%, college or higher 4.1%. that's less than half the rate of those with only high school diplomas, and that includes the college graduates who slacked off. i've also heard that those who hold graduate degrees have a less than 2% unemployment rate, but don't have a source on that one.
anyway, i digress. where i (might) disagree with qstorm is that while i strongly advocate concentrating on schoolwork in high school, i also strongly advocate having fun with boys in college (without compromising the quality of your schoolwork). but, you are not there yet. you have plenty of time to grow up and there's no need to do it all at age 16. at least wait till your senior year of high school, when you've already gotten into college. does that make sense?
on one final note: despite what everyone here seems to be saying (which is quite shocking to me, actually), guys are not bad people for wanting to have sexual relations while seeing a girl. while the media likes to portray guys as these predatory creatures that want to stick their dicks wherever they'll fit, the fact is that girls are just as interested in sex as guys are. it's easy to act like sexless relationships are completely desirable when you haven't experienced those things with someone before. you will understand what i mean once you have gone that far, too.
tl;dr:
-don't have sex with this guy.
-you should have sex before marriage, and with multiple people (but safely!). despite every effort that you now think you may make to avoid getting hurt, it is going to happen. accept this now.
-your education should come first. it will pay off in the long run when you are more desirable to guys (and employers) when you are an independent, successful individual.
-that was the longest comment i have ever written, ever.
I'm a guy and I didn't lose my virginity till I was 21 - currently 22 years old and turning 23 in exactly one month. American society puts such a strain on relationships because our ideals of sex can be so varying - it's good to save it for marriage, but it's also alright if you want to sleep around as long as you're safe?
You're young, this guy that is pushing you towards sex wants one thing from you - sex. He doesn't want a relationship and he is gambling your friendship for it. It seems like you're rather adamant about your resolution and you only need support, so I'll tell you this: you did the right thing. I would empty out my savings account for my friends if they had a good reason and I recently comtemplated breaking a law in order to go to my friend's funeral - real friends don't gamble their friendship on something so stupid and childish.
Lastly, people have these stories they tell of when they lost their virginity. Do you want your story to be, "I lost it to this guy that was really rash and didn't even want to date me"?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I've seen him jump from one gf to a new one afterwards. he is rebounding than taking relationships seriously. he's flimsy and not my type.
I just wanted to add that the picture in this entry is kind of freaky >_> Also, it's been stated but at your age don't worry about boys. Plenty of them will be around to break your heart in the future. Really,school should be your priority and that's difficult to concentrate on if you are obsessing about boys, especially this one.
Why are you even contemplating being his friend and still wanting to talk to him? Why would you even consider giving him the time of day? You're only 16. And still in high school. Study, get good grades, go to college, and go buck wild then. There is no need to give yourself up emotionally to some immature, high school egotistical jerk. Trust me, nothing is cool or great or spectacular about a boy who makes it known that he just wants sex, then ignores the girl, when the girl approaching him has made it clear that she wants more than that. He's just playing with you and stringing you along. Don't let someone like that be your "first" ANYTHING. Respect and stand up for yourself. Have a fucking back bone. Get angry, instead of confused and sad. Then, take that anger and place it constructively in succeeding and making yourself happy. You've done it for 16 years, you can go for another couple years, until your in college.
Not to go all Asian mom on you... but since you asked for advice: He's just not that into you. He just wants to get into you. Focus on your study. Focus on bettering yourself. Become a smart and sentient human being and you will attract the right guys.
But, that is the ideal advice. You probably won't follow it anyway. So if you're really hormonal and horny, get a vibrator.
Take it from a girl whose dated and done more than she's proud to admit (moi.) Guys come and go, and it doesn't matter what relationship status they fall under, whether they're just a friend or a romantic interest, they come and go. Although there are a rare few... the guys that actually have respect for the women in their lives... but unfortunately this boy doesn't... It's sad that so many teens (guilty myself) give into the lust that roams the halls of high schools everywhere, and because so many do I admire you (SO) much! I'm eighteen and of all my friends I have one that is still a virgin. Her boyfriend of two years calls her cold and claims she dangles herself in front of him sometimes, but he respects her and he loves her, and as a result she will remain innocent until she decides to marry. You are a LOT stronger than I was when I was a junior, and I made a LOT of mistakes when it came to guys and relationships, but I learned, and I'm telling you to wait. I know you probably hear it a lot from adults and you think its just something they say to make you wait but its really not up to them in the end now is it? Sex shouldn't be so casual, and it was this guys mistake to make it seem so. Don't feel pressured, and when that special (rare) guy comes along
thenyou can decide whether or not he deserves you (:
Him: "Oh, you like me? ... Meh."
Him, later: "Wait, now I'm horny. I should go tell that girl who seems like a sure thing."
You: "I don't want sex. I wanted a relationship."
Him: "Bluhhh. Not even interested anymore."
He is a dick. Stay cool, forget his ass. Not at all worth it.
You're in high school! Do your homework, study, and ACE your quizzes and tests. Your main concern should be getting into college. College is where you're probably going to experiment, so don't waste your time on Albert. He obviously just wants to have sex with you. Let him be! Maybe one day he'll realize he should've treated you with more respect. Put yourself first.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - This, this, this!
First off, any guy who stipulates that your relationship MUST involve sex does not deserve you. Sounds like a total pig to me. If you're not ready, that's the bottom line. No means no. Crushes come on strong and last for awhile but when you get past it, it will fade quickly. Like QuantumStorm said, focus on your schoolwork because I've watched girls drop out of college simply because a boy broke up with them and it's just not worth it. There will be plenty of time to be an adult and have a relationship, but hold out for someone who cares about your opinion and will wait until you're ready. There are guys like that out there, don't worry.