I have a cousin who mostly only dates white girls. I could only remember one time I've ever seen him with a woman of color. He's what some would describe as the 'Carlton' of the family; the cocky version. He sees himself as the hardest fish to catch in the lake and you are the lucky one to have him for dinner. YUCK!
Now, let me pause this written commentary before your minds start going places I'm not taking you. I am a woman of color, a black Hispanic to be precise. Just to clarify, this will not be a post of racial indifference, but of observed behavior. I hope that's clear. Let's continue...
So recently, at a family function, we all got on the subject of who we were seeing, if anyone. 'Carlton' cuts off my other cousin whom was describing this girl he'd recently went on a date with by saying, "you really need to start messing with white girls and leave these black chicks alone!" WHAT?! The entire room got quiet. My aunt's glare would've killed him on the spot if he'd stared at her a second longer.
'Carlton,' is not one who knows how to monitor his words nor does he care to. He's what one would consider, reckless. But, he knew he'd overstepped his boundaries in a house full of black women.
So of course, my cousin, who had been telling us about his date, wanted to know why he'd said that. He'd dated both white and black women and showed no specific preference over either. He liked women, period. But 'Carlton' felt he'd defend himself by saying, "I respect all women, but white women give me no drama, less arguments, more submission." I kindly walked out of the room, opting not to give him any more of my time to waste.
Let's make something perfectly clear: women are going to give you some kind of drama or attitude, no matter what color she's painted. You could buy a blue female bird and she'll give you a headache. It's how you, as a man, choose to deal with it that can either make your life hell, or heaven on earth. So this whole submissive, drama free argument I've heard too many men justify their ignorance with, is B.S.
NO woman wants to me labeled as submissive, unless she's in the confines of her home with her man or husband and that's her preference. So to even think that's a compliment, is almost as dumb as his reasoning.
As far as dating those of an opposite race, I'm ALL FOR IT! I love to see people in love. I don't care what race, sex or ethnicity you represent. But don't bring down a whole race of women because you can't seem to be man enough to have dealt with your past experiences as lessons learned. Not all women are alike, just like a lot of men try to preach that not all men are alike.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a 'Carlton' in their family who rationalizes his ignorance as a preference. Or is it neither?
Should you cast out a whole race because of past encounters and say it's a preference? How do you cross the bridge and get over it?
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Comments (29)
I guess it's sometimes hard to say when it's a preference and when it's a prejudice. I think the difference is when someone starts saying, "I'm never dating another (race) person again!" rather than, "I tend to be attracted to (whatever race.)"
I guess I can see why if someone had a bad experience, they might not want to date another person who reminds them of the person who gave them the bad experience, but that's still different from walking around saying you won't date a person of whatever race.
And as a white woman, I don't know where he gets the idea that we're submissive. I'm anything but, and I would feel extremely insulted if I were to be labeled as such by anyone.
Only men that are easily emasculated need a submissive woman in my experience. I've known plenty of Carlton's who only date a certain type of woman because of whatever stereotype they have in their heads. I have an uncle who only dates fat girls (regardless of race) for all the reasons your cousin dates white women. If I were to not date an entire race of people because of previous encounters, I would either never date or maybe I would be limited to Asian men.
Awe too late brought out my popcorn and not first in line.
Touche on comment about asian men.
I'm dating a Scottish man and he says I'm subservient and passive compared to the bitchy caucasian women he's dated. *Blink, blink* I don't take it as a compliment or a insult. It is what it is--my nature. I don't care nor think I'm representing all asian women just because it is my nature though. I'm passive not ignorant ;p
Just to clarify: Preference is choosing to date someone for certain common characteristics ie height, race due to skin tone, etc. Ignorance is judging others based on past, collective experience rather than honest critical judgement on the individual like above.
when I see a white or asian guy with big hulk muscles, I often think they look like douchebags, especially if they wear tight fitting shirts, but when I see a black man with big muscles, I think he's hotter and not douchey. slim muscles like kpop stars look sexy. it still depends, but I think black men look hotter with muscles than other races. well, The Rock looks hot and he's one exception that I've seen, who I still think looks good without coming off as a dbag. I don't prefer big muscles anyways. slim and toned is usually what I find attractive. if I see uneven or disproportionate arm bulges or giant arms with skinny legs or anything that makes me focus on one part due to it being in your face rather than viewing the entire person at once, then he isn't that appealing to me. I usually don't cast out based on ethnicity/race, but height, which they have no control over either. but some guys might cast me out due to physical things that I can't control either, so no big deal, just find someone, who is already who you find appealing just the way they are. the guy that I have a crush on is like at least 6'3" and I like how he's a foot taller and I think it is adorable when he pets my hair as if he's the giant and I'm the mini doll
I have thumbelina complex or whatever.
"Should you cast out a whole race because of past encounters and say it's a preference?"
Of course not.
How do you cross the bridge and get over it?
By realizing that questions are axiomatic.
If you need to ask someone else whether you should or shouldn't do something, you already have one good reason to ask someone else before you decide whether or not to do it.
Making any sort of judgment on a group, especially stereotyping a characteristic in regards to dating is pretty damn ignorant. People in Western countries like the US have very colorful upbringings so social stereotypes get broken down all the time.
And I don't even know where the guy gets the idea that white women are more 'submissive' and provide less drama LOL. THAT AIN'T HOW IT'S BEEN FOR ME!
I've dated girls from almost every race and I have to say that I don't think race has anything to do with how a person acts, it's all based on how they were raised. I also agree with the people saying that submissive women are preferred by guys who don't like to have their egos put in check, hence such women that have the guts to talk back or tell the truth get labeled as aggressive 'bitches' or 'drama bombs' hahaha. Whatever, more for me!
@Ironstove@xanga - "And I don't even know where the guy gets the idea that white women are more 'submissive' and provide less drama LOL. THAT AIN'T HOW IT'S BEEN FOR ME!"
Same here. If anything, I've noticed that the most blindly assertive and shallow females tend to have the deepest reasons for acting that way.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Rock's half black. Though I agree big muscly white guys generally turn me off from wanting to even talk to them, but big muscly black guys tend to look really good. Tend to, so there are always exceptions.
I'm not too fond of white girls, and tend to go after half breeds or Asian girls. Though doesn't mean I haven't found a girl of pretty much every race I find attractive or been interested in many different types. I just generally go for Asians, pretty sure it's a preference rather than an ignorance.
I'd definitely be pissed if I was dating a guy who wasn't white and he said that, assuming I was a certain way because I was white. I like Indian dudes, but it's a purely physical preference for the skin tone and features and I really don't expect any guy to be a certain way in terms of personality based on his race. I know Asian guys are sometimes known for being...pushovers (best word I can think of), and the one guy I dated was. But I know plenty enough Asian dudes that are definitely not.
IDK what your cousin is talking about but I've seen plenty of white girls bring drama. I chose to stoop to their levels so it made my life hell for three years when I could have just ignored her, but does this mean I should stop dating the white man because his psycho white ex was the one who created dramas and rumors? People are free to view things how they want, that's why everyone can have their own personal opinion. You don't have to agree with it.
@JusticeCho@xanga - well then, that confirms it! I'm naturally drawn to half black men
and wentworth miller is half black. no wonder his voice has so much natural bass as if there is a sexy subwoofer in his voice box
or the prettiest celeb I find appealing is alicia keys. I don't really think the other plain white girls are that appealing. to each their own.
I like this blog.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Same. Alicia's just gorgeous all around, looks, voice, attitude. Also Tyson Beckford, who's part asian mmmhmm heh.
It depends on our maturity in order to recognize the problems we had in our previous relationships and refine our understanding of ourselves in order to maintain successful relationships in the future. That being said, it takes a mighty ignorant person to broaden the problems that crumbled their previous relationships to a particular group. If he continues doggedly with those sorts of beliefs, then he'll just face ostracism for those prejudices.
How to get over it? I would say just to grow up, but that's such a rhetorical answer. Tell him to make more female friends because he obviously doesn't know that many females to generalize the drama to just black women. Oh, and not just female friends that he'll only hang out with in hopes of a lay.
To end this, I would like to quote something a friend of mine recently said to me which I hope will not offend: "Bitches be crazy!"@JusticeCho@xanga - tyson is one of my favorites. I had his nearly naked calendar and plastered his pics all over my walls when I was in high school
I toned it down somewhat and only have 3 pics of him on my walls now
Back up! There is a difference. I will not (generally) date an American black woman, but I will date a carib or african. Why? Attitude. And the smiles on these caribs and africans are very nice to have around the house. Nothing worse than a goose-necking woman of any race 'in your face!' Lately I 've met some very nice Cuban women.
I don't want a submissive woman. Done that already, but there's a fine line between being submissive and being a lady. You figure it out. Most cultures outside the USA, expect the man to be the man. Thus , not only do they let him take the lead, they expect it! I've experienced it and I like it. America can keep its American version of women. Me like many others (not the 'Carltons of this world') have higher expectatins, especially in family life and atmosphere.
the "more submission" part really threw me off my rocker. i can't. really. *walks away*
@Erika_Steele@xanga - I'll introduce you to my cousins! :D Though my aunts and uncles might not be too happy about it...
Lol, as an Asian-American girl, I will say that your characterization of the word submissive is very American. I'm not even close to submissive, but it's not a bad thing to be submissive and I thank you for also writing out a prejudice against non-argumentative people, lol we so are NEVER going to get equality by putting down such harmless attributes of personality btw, so that you can prove some kind of point.
So that's rather ignorant of you.
No doubt your cousin's a fool. And he IS being ignorant because he's taken his experience and applied it to EVERY white girl ever. Which obviously is a dumbass assumption. But he's not going after white girls out of ignorance, he's going after them out of experience. If his description of his experience offends you, it probably should because you ARE a woman of color, ISN'T submissive, and DO DISH DRAMA. But you're also drawing a conclusion that:
1. Isn't rational given the evidence you've written out and 2. Is also ignorant and offensive because just because YOU'VE never met a girl who doesn't dish out drama like she's a television on a Sunday night and respects herself while also genuinely being content as a submissive girl doesn't mean they aren't out there.
It isn't just about race, it's any characteristic you notice in your relationships that don't turn out well. Say for instance you have 5 ex's with glasses... and they were all cheating liars. You may have an aversion to men with glasses after number 5. And if you had your cousin's verbal filter, you might say some shit in front of a man with glasses that implies he is a douchebag. It happens... a lot. With everything. This just happened to be a racial PREFERENCE developed over a stereotype that HE concluded is true. To say that stereotypes are false is just as IGNORANT as saying they are always true. People have a habit of making generalizations which is why we are always trying to be politically correct with our "Not saying ALL -such and such people- do/are this way, BUT..." or "I'm not racist, BUT..." The fact is, people USUALLY fit their stereotype, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. And it's not necessarily good or bad when they don't... noticing a pattern and mentioning it is not prejudice.
I'm sure if your cousin met a laid back, SUBMISSIVE and attrative black woman, he would still give her a shot. He was talking out of his ass in front of the wrong people... plain and simple.
And by the way, I would take "submissive" as a compliment. Just saying. Way to generalize women.
@xsPoNgEs_go_SQUISHx13@xanga - lol. I think they'd be upset over my age as well. Luckily, I am married. I've only had good experiences with Asian men so if I am going to stereotype your cousins, they'd make great catches.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - whoo marriage! i think!
You can't judge a whole race just because of a bad experience with one person, or even a couple of people. He says black women bring drama - this is a ridiculous stereotype. I've met plenty of white women who have caused drama as well. I have dated both white and black men, and the issues people have are nothing to do with the colour of their skin, but simply the person who lives inside the skin. But then again, it's like putting people into a catagory - I'm sure every girl who's been cheated on by her boyfriend has uttered the phrase "men are all scum", or something to that affect - 99.9% of these women say this out of hurt, not because they're going to turn into a lesbian overnight. He is simply racial-stereotyping, which is wrong, but if that's his way then you have to let him get on with it. I'm glad there's no one in my family like this, because I honestly would not have been able to walk away like you did - I think i probobly would have got up, walked calmly over to him, and smacked him round the face. But hey, that's just me!
I'm white...and I'm on the lighter side of the white folks. Blonde hair, green eyes, pale-ish skin. I have big boobs and a big butt though. My boyfriend is half Cuban and half Puerto Rican. Someone actually had the audacity to say that I was only dating him because "only spics and niggers" would want someone with my body type. Cue the jaw drop. How on earth does someone even begin to believe that that's ok to say? In my dating history there have been two Latinos, one Sicilian, one Pole, and a few highly mixed white men and women. I've never been attracted to someone who was black but maybe someday. People are ridiculous sometimes.
@JusticeCho@xanga - Someone I know dated him. Not too great in bed. Maybe he lets his dashing good looks make up for the lack of effort he puts into sex lol.