I've always been a heart-over-mind,
go-with-your-gut kind of gal.
In regards to their relationships, I've heard several people say, "We were just friends; and then, one day, something changed..." Although there's something beautiful about this concept, truthfully, it's completely alien to my sensibilities. Attraction clunks me over the head -- hard and fast. If sparks don't fly right away, I rarely (if ever)
become attracted later on.
Call me short-sighted, but for me, personally,
I don't believe in giving attraction an opportunity to take root. It's either present (and palpable) from the get-go or it never was and therefore, never will be.
Any time I've *ever* tried to, "give someone a chance," I've ended up a) hurting and/or confusing him and b) putting myself in an extremely awkward position.
It just. doesn't. work. Yes, it takes time for relationships to grow. Yes, trust and true intimacy
come gradually even when chemistry is instantaneous. But within about ten seconds of meeting someone, I can almost always tell if he and I have
the potential for sexual/romantic compatibility.
My attraction barometer: When he casually (albeit strategically -- yeah, that's right, I know what you're doing
) places his hand on my arm, shoulder, or lower back, do I
reflexively shrink away? Or do I *
want* his hand there?
If the answer is the former -- I'm done. Period. Sorry, Charlie.
But if the answer is the latter -- I'm intrigued enough to feel matters out!
I don't believe in
love at first sight, but I *do* believe in
recognizing the capacity for love at first sight.
My intuition is my compass; it rarely misguides me!
Do you experience attraction immediately? Or do you find yourself falling for people slowly, over time?
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Comments (36)
So you base your compatibility check on looks alone?
Physical attraction happens instantly, but physical attraction won't keep me in a relationship. Being attracted to someone and developing feelings for someone are completely separate things; at least they are for me.
For me attraction is immediate. It's there or it isn't. As simple as that.
Once I tried dating a guy whom I wasn't attracted to, whose touches made me reflexively shrink back as you said. As hard as I tried to make myself like him and give myself an opportunity to gradually become attracted to him, I just couldn't do it.
Romantic compatibility, I think, is not based on looks alone (different people have different preference), but at least a little bit of attraction has to be there on the get-go. Well, at least for me. I don't wanna speak for others. :)
I will certainly disagree. Attraction is important, but sometimes attractions comes later for me. A man's brain, personality, sense of humor, and our overall chemistry is what makes the man attractive to me. Long lasting relationships rarely succeed if you base his or her worthiness on looks alone. No doubt an attraction (sexual, physical, and mental) is neccesary, but no... i dont know instantaneously if this is the kind of guy worth my time. It goes much deeper than that for me.
Attraction is very different for men and women. Whereas men are instantly turned on by a woman's looks, women become attracted gradually.
I can do both. There are some guys that are just f'ing hot and some guys who become hot after you know them!
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - That's not true at all. Women just tend to use other things besides just physical attraction to decide who to date. Like men will date a hot chic, even be in a relationship, just and only because she is hot. Women don't really do that. (Generally speaking...)
Plus, women do stuff to make themselves look more attractive. Men don't do that. So, technically more women walk around looking their best than men do.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Men go out and buy $300 stylish shoes and trendy clothes just to be more attractive to women.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - And they only look better to the women who would realize that they are expensive shoes and pants! I wouldn't even notice or think they look better.
Take Colin Farrel... does he look better in a fancy suit or Levi's and a tight white Hanes T-shirt? Levi's and T-shirt... all day long!
And women, nearly all women, wearing makeup look better to everyone.
Of course it doesn't work out. Are you sure you're not self-sabotaging?
"Call me short-sighted, but for me, personally, I don't believe in giving attraction an opportunity to take root."
That's not at all short-sighted. It's "long-sighted" (is that a word?) to a fault.
"When he casually (albeit strategically -- yeah, that's right, I know what you're doing ) places his hand on my arm, shoulder, or lower back, do I reflexively shrink away? Or do I *want* his hand there?"
By allowing him to put his hand there, are you not giving attraction an opportunity to take root?
Either way, you want his hand there... that way you can figure out whether you want it there or not.
I know instantly if I'm attracted to a guy or not. my boss crush was instaneous because he's that gorgeous. I couldn't even really look him the eye at first, because I don't want to lose control
lol I checked him out more later and he has a nice firm butt for a slim and tall guy
his hair, face, smile, body structure and omg that voice with foreign accent kills me slowly and I have an odd urge to fight back and punch him because I can't stand how sexy he is
no, but I'd hug him and never let go
if I was a guy, I'd be so jealous of him, and I'd be his male best friend just to be close to him. I mean not really be a male, but switch souls with his current best friend. I see him hang out some guy a lot, whom I presume is his best friend-he's so lucky
I'm that much of a fangirl that I'd trade souls to be near him more:D I don't think his wife would like it if he hung around me as my cute girl self
I used to fall for people slowly when I was at school and bored, so I stared at whoever semi-cute guy was nearby and then gradually thought that he was cute. I don't really think that I was attracted to him. I was just bored
I usually pick a seat next to a guy with nice hair, and then I gradually check him out entirely from top to bottom
I might notice things like his hairy arms or mole or something else that I zoom in/zone out on when I'm bored
then I might not think he's that attractive anymore, but he isn't ugly, so he's neutral and friendzoned
As a guy, I first hung out with my best friend hoping for a romantic venture, but me and her gradually became reliant on each other for things we couldn't get out of a romantic relationship - that is to say we relied on each other to be the bedrock of our teenage sanity. So in truth, for me, that relationship went from romantic attraction to something less ephermeral and more substantial. That being said, I could easily see myself falling in love with her somewhere down the road - as of now, I know we wouldn't be able to maintain a viable relationship due to our immaturity.
For my general dating habits, I generally talk to girls who I find physically attractive. I don't mean to sound vapid, but if I don't know her personally, what else am I going to base my attraction on? Assumed personality? But that sort of "dating" is more for fun though. I haven't really had any serious relationships, but I don't see myself going into a serious relationship without knowing a girl on the emotional level. So I guess I would say it takes time to fall in love, but it takes seconds to fall in lust.
Have to find the guy attractive, but as the relationship continues I see him attractive in different and hopefully less shallow ways than I did originally.
I've experienced both. The first guy I ever dated and loved, I was not initially attracted to. It wasn't that he was ugly either it was just he really didn't give me that "UNF" feeling other guys have given me. I guess you could say I initially friendzoned him but I started to appreciate how funny and sweet he was. Not long after getting to know him he started to become attractive to me and not just in an emotional way. I started to notice things about him physically that at first I didn't really think of much of but afterwards I found really enticing.
He later became a real asshole but that's usually how those things work out anyway -.o
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "and I have an odd urge to fight back and punch him because I can't stand how sexy he is"
I agree with you. Attraction and compatibility are different.I can be attracted to someone physically and it turns out I'm not compatible with them, or I can be compatible with someone and not attracted to them physically. I've been in both situations. The ultimate goal is to find someone who is both physically attractive to me and compatible with me.
Oftentimes, if you aren't physically attracted to the person at all, that doesn't usually change. However, it is possible to see someone as "objectively" (if that's possible) attractive without personally being attracted to them. So maybe for some people who gradually fall for each other, they found the person objectively attractive but weren't attracted to them, and later on became more physically attracted to them as they realized how compatible they were and started to notice physical traits they had previously overlooked. Just a thought.
"I can almost always tell if he and I have the potential for sexual/romantic compatibility."
"If sparks don't fly right away, I rarely (if ever) become attracted later on."
@SHEERROSE@xanga called it.
Don't fool yourself with "almost always". Those two words are mutually exclusive properties.
Even if you have a high success rate when it comes to determining whether he and you have the potential for sexual/romantic compatibility, it should be understood that potential can potentially change if you almost always judge it correctly.
If you're basing your relationships purely on physical attraction, you can expect them to fail.
Physical attraction can obviously be instant, but there have definitely been guys that I thought were attractive until I saw some of their personality, and then I just couldn't see what I had seen before. They were very unattractive and I didn't even care to look at them. Other guys have been "meh" on the attractive scale, and then I got to know them and they seemed much more attractive to me. Then there's this guy who is "holy crap I want in his pants" attractive, and I got to know him, and he's still "holy crap I want in his pants" (in a purely primal lusty sort of way, not that I would actually jump him, even if he weren't waaayyyy out of my league, and married, and a father).
I , like you. based it on chemistry. Not that I dont believe in gradual attraction, but for me if there's no chemistry then most likely there would be nothing. But chemistry is a weird thing, because I dont only feel that with attractive looking people.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Young hot perfect 10's would.
I think that if you like someone, they BECOME more attractive to you. So if you meet a guy that at first you don't think is your type, if your personalities mesh and you become really close and start to like him, you'll probably start to find him more physically attractive than you did at the beginning. Basing a relationship off immediate physical attraction alone is pretty stupid - looks change, and in the long run, their personality is far more important than what they look like. We'll all be old and wrinkly one day.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - You and I have very similar opinions on dating/romance. I've been noticing lately it seems the only major difference between your comments and my own is that I prefer to word my opinions as undeniable truth.
Physical attraction is something you either have or don't have from moment one. Anything else is just bargaining feelings in exchange for something else.
Attraction isn't always immediate, sometimes people have bad days and then you see them again a second or third time and they're looking much better. However, If I'm not at least a little physically attracted to someone then there's no point in even trying to start up a relationship. I also definitely agree on the part of can't really grow to be attracted to someone either. Of course just being physically attracted definitely ain't enough to start or stay in a relationship with someone though, they still have to have the personality traits needed to make me want stick around.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - yeah except their best tends to be fake advertisement since it can be from makeup, clothes that flatter, push up bras, butt lifting pants, etc hehe.