Tuesday, 31 July 2012
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How Do I Talk to An Ex-Boyfriend About His Cheating During the Relationship?
This post was submitted anonymously.
My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 3 years before we broke up late last year. This summer (7 months after our breakup), I found out that he cheated and the reason why I found out was because the girl had been telling people about how they had messed around on a trip (I didn't go because I had work). He went on the trip and cheated during summer and we broke up in the fall. I am unsure what happened to them in between the time.I know who the girl was and in fact, I know her family and her friends. I recently had the chance to meet up with her family and friends and they all know about it. I had the worst time in the gathering and it felt like the pain just never went away and I just never moved on.
I am still in so much pain from this past relationship. Although he had asked to work things out and although I wanted to work things out with him, I just cannot forget about all these pain and lies that he told me. Even until the point that he broke up with me, he had told me that he was 100% faithful and never cheated and the reason why he had to break up with me was because he did not want to cheat on me.
It's been so painful and I'm still in so much pain.
Can someone please help me? Should I confront him about this? And if I do, how? It has almost been a year since the breakup and I am still in terrible pain. I'm still crying so much over this relationship.
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Comments (51)
It comes down to what you're willing to put up: the pain of moving on without him completely or the constant doubt/agony you'd have to face if you're going to reconcile. Do you think you'd be able to fully trust him again? If it were me in your situation, I'd cut my losses and move on to someone better if this relationship has caused me THIS much pain even after a whole year since the breakup.
You're not with him now, so you need to move on. THink about it this way...yes he lied to you but aren't you glad that you didn't stay with him longer or get married or even have kids with him? It's been a year since you split...that's a long time BUT you were together for 3 years. Perhaps seek counselling or something along thsoe lines you need to heal and let someone new into your life! :)
Don't talk to him about it. He'll never give you a good enough reason or honest enough answer and you have to move on. If you need resolution, it wasn't because of you. People cheat because they're weak and instead of staying faithful or breaking it off, they just lie.
@TequilaKisses@xanga - I agree with what she said. Dating someone for 3 years is a long time. It's going to hurt and it will always hurt. Either you move on with him or without him. If you think you can trust him then try again, but I think trusting him again would be very difficult.
I broke off my engagement because I started finding out more and more lies, stories, half-truths, and reasons for concern. To this day, he swears he never got physical with any one else. Do I believe him? Not for a second.
I had to finally realize that while it was painful to not be with him - after all, I loved him so much at one point that I wanted to marry him - it was more painful to think of what living in that constant state of doubt/mistrust/fear would be like.
I know it's hard - trust me, I know. But while it's hard now, it's at least putting an end to that chapter of misery. Without REAL, SOLID trust, a relationship is meaningless. Let it go, move on, heal yourself.
I couldn't get through this. It hurt my eyes.
This is so creepy similar to what happened to me. The best thing to do is to let go. I dated my ex for almost five years, he cheated on me the last year, we still vacationed together, and I didn't find out until a few weeks ago and only because I was being a Facebook creeper. The best thing I did was realize that there was NO WAY I'd ever want to be with someone who could cheat on me and not respect me enough to ever tell me. You do not need someone in your life who doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth and is weak enough to go to the first person to show them attention. At least you found out now instead of a few years from now. Things will get easier, but everything takes time.
It sounds like you haven't found closure from this relationship yet, but it was three years after all. I think you should talk to him, but keep it as "professional" as possible. Don't talk about anything other than what you want to know, in this case the possibility that he might have cheated. It may help you find closure by talking to him. Just remember to not let your emotions take control of your actions if you decide to talk to him.
Hiya,
I think you need to speak to him and also to your friends/family. The questions I guess you want answered is how could he have done that to you? you thought he loved you? how could he lie to you? how could he hurt you?.......
And yet your reluctant to ask him questions because its been a year and you feel you should have gotten over him by now and you don't want to look stupid........ Remember " there is no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to the heart .... just a stupid answer"
Also don't forget friend/ family. Don't feel embarrassed to speak to them because you think they will look at at you as if to say "god isn't she over him yet - its like been a year!". Good friends and family will listen and comfort you, which sound likes something you need. Speaking to him and them will help you get some closure, this will also help you go through ALL six stages of getting over someone.
The 6 stages of getting over someone are:<li>The Denial/shock stage: This is the stage where a person refuses to admit what happened. For example, when someone experiences a loss of a close family member he might remain in the denial stage for a while. In most cases this stage passes very quickly after a breakup and you shouldn't worry about it at all.<li>The anger stage: Some people start to feel angry after the initial shock. That's where a person starts to think about revenge and making his ex payback. Again when the problem is getting over someone that stage isn't the worrisome one and it usually passes quickly too.<li>The most dangerous stage of getting over someone: The third and the most dangerous stage of getting over someone is bargaining. This is where people listen to sad music, day dream about their ex, visualize everything returning back to its norms and go to the same places they used to go to together hopping that an accidental encounter happens. If people remained stuck in this stage they will never recover from the breakup until they meet someone else who lets them forget their old partner<li>The depression stage: This stage doesn't happen after the previous stage but both happen together. Bargaining is usually mixed with depression and that's why during that period the person's mood shifts between hope and loss of hope. Depression is usually the result of the loss of hope that happens in the bargaining stage.<li>The acceptance stage: This is the stage where the person starts to accept the breakup and decides to move on. This stage of getting over someone never happens unless hope is completely lost. If there were 1% hope the person will remain stuck in the previous stages and as soon as hope is completely lost the person will start to recover<li>The recovery stage: This is the final stage of getting over someone and its where everything returns back to its norms
All the best...... and remember YOU DESERVE SOOOO MUCH BETTER!!!!
You just have to find someone new soon. It's not a replacement but you can only move on with someone better. I was kinda in a similar situation. It took me 3 years to heal. But when you finally meet someone who deserves you, you automatically forget about the past pain. Time and new love will heal you, dear. Don't try to forget because the more you try, the more you have pain. Let the way it is.
I understand in an effort to get closure, you want to discuss his cheating, but the fact is that you're his ex now. Going back and talking about it will not make everything better, it will just bring up unwanted feelings, especially if you are trying to get over him. Telling you he didn't cheat makes him both a liar and a cheater. I dated a guy once that said he didn't cheat, but ended it about 2 months later. There's a reason why he is your ex, and you need to remember that. The best thing you can do is call him a douchebag and move on, since obviously he didn't value you enough to be loyal. Find someone better, because you don't deserve to be treated like that, and he sure as hell isn't worth crying over.
you really should not be wasting your time on someone who isn't wasting their time on you at all nor does he care about your feelings so you should let it go and actually find someone who will care about your feelings and won't cheat on you.
Uh, he's your ex-boyfriend. You don't talk about it. You just move on.
Oh man reading this sorta broke my heart. :( I have no advice for you but I really hope you're able to overcome this emotional trauma and heal. Hang in there!!
Sooooo....let me get this straight. The relationship ended first, then you found out he cheated.
Okay. Sucks, but I think I know what's going on.
He wants to reconcile and you want to reconcile, and you also want to know how to talk to him about his cheating.
Nope, you lost me. You should change your phone number and take up martial arts or baseball or something. No one has the right to treat you like that.
So he doesn't know that you know the truth about him cheating on you? If you guys want to talk it out, he needs to know that you know the truth first of all. Then if I were you, move on, stay friends if you want, but from my experience - someone who has cheated on you obviously isn't committed - I know it hurts, trust me, but you will find someone better and someone who deserves to have you!
IF it makes you feel better, I would confront him to get it off my chest. Let him know that you know and contiinue on with your life from there. Just be prepared for him to get defensive. No matter how you approach this, it depends on what kind of person he is- if he was hiding it from you in the first place, I bet you he is a defensive person. It might be relieving to you to just come out and say it- in person is best so that he can't run or "hang up" or "dissapear". IT might help you create that closure you need and let him know that you are aware and that he didn't "get-away-with-it".
I just wouldn't take any excuses or "explanations" too seriously. He has already deceived you. In fact, he might get so defensive, he might try to blame things on you and "be mad" at you. You know what the truth is, and letting him know that he didn't get away with it will let him stew in his own bad self.
Find closure. If you have to talk to him, do it, but it's much easier and less painful to write as many letters as you need to addressed to him & then burn them along with his picture when you feel like you're extracting the pain like poison. Be single, discover things you love, flirt and build up your self esteem. Then you need to forgive him. After all, you can't forget someone if you can't forgive them.
Just move on. For all you know, the girl could be lying. Why open an old can of worms? Count your blessings and move forward. Good luck!
I think it's important for you to have closure. I would confront him about this, you could even write it down in a read from the letter to him, if it's easier. It sounds like you're unable to "move on" because it hurts so much to know that he lied to you & everyone & their mother [no pun intended] knew about this betrayal. Just keep in mind, what he says in return: may not be what you want to hear or like. Remember, there is no "good" excuse for cheating on you & lying to you about it. I just feel like you need to get your feelings out in a blog or in a journal offline first & I feel that you should confront him on it. Let him know, you know. Take back some of the power he's tried to steal from you by keeping you in the dark. Closure is an important part of the healing process & you should let him know you are aware of what happened on that trip & how it makes you feel. Regardless of what he says in return, keep your chin up & after all is said & done: move on. There is nothing left for you in that relationship. Get together with your girlfriends & family, do some retail shopping or pig out on junk food. Surround yourself with true people who love you & want what's best for you.
Good luck
IMO it doesn't really matter anymore. try your best to move on and forgive.
~Doe Zantamata
Don't let those 7 months of recovery go to waste. Don't relapse. Sure this recent discovery makes your ex-bf an extra douche now, but all the more reason why you two should not be together. Every break-up deserves a trip for self-rediscovery. Keep focusing on The Now, not the past (you just can't change it)! Every moment spent on sadness and tears is a moment missed for happiness, exploring, school, friends, or whatever it is you are doing in this stage of your life.
Personally, I too never received closure from my last boyfriend. It has been 3 years since we've had any type of communication. He's the ultimate douchebag for what he did to me and for how much of a coward he is/was for not owning up to the end of our relationship. However, he'll get what's coming to him or maybe he already has. It's just not up to me to decide that kind of punishment. Here's another enriching quote: "Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies." ~Nelson Mandela
Here's an AWESOME page for you to read!! I just found it. I hope people with the same or similar problems with forgiveness/grudges/resentment/etc check it out too!!!
http://www.appleseeds.org/Let_Go_Grudges.htm
i'd just confront him and be honest with him and tell him what you think. just bc he's your ex, it shouldn't stop you but at least you care enough to say something. i wouldn't want to be that girl who's bf is cheating on her.
I talked to my ex who cheated on me. I found out she's cheating on her current boyfriend too. Conclusion: it wasn't my fault it was hers, and I'm glad to be rid of her.
If he still attempts to contact you, yes you should confront him to release all your anger and sadness. Sometimes all it takes is to vent it all out. But do it with hate and don't show him how heartbroken you are. It can take a long time but moving on is possible. Especially possible when you don't deserve any of the bullshit. You just need to realize that and embrace life by yourself, for now. Don't lose faith in love though. Keep yourself busy in the meantime (:
Good luck
and... cut all contacts with him.