Tuesday, 31 July 2012
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The Bright Side of Rock Bottom
Post-break up rock bottom. Everyday feels like that. Everyday that goes by without a phone call or a romantic knock on the door stings a little more. Going through the dreary, mundane day-to-day wears on your body and spirit, and your life becomes very hazy and darkly introspective. After weeks of this, rock bottom plays the role of salvation; it can only get better from there.
My SO and I had been dating for nearly three years, from my Junior year of High School to shortly after Thanksgiving during my Sophomore year of college. In short, we broke up over religious differences and we stayed broken up because we had each become very different people in the last few months of our relationship and were no longer good for each other...and another girl had become involved.
The day I hit rock bottom I woke up as I did every other morning: on the couch with the TV still on from the night before and likely Shmirnoff Ice as well on the coffee table (How. Pathetic). That morning I also woke up with the strongest desire to make a very dramatic last gesture in an attempt to get my boyfriend back! I semi-put myself together and drove over to his apartment with no warning or idea if he was even home.
Everything small thing that happened during the entire lead up to his front door went just as I needed it to and everything was quickly falling into place. The rush was unmatchable. His roommate opened the door and I found my ex in his bathroom shaving. I immediately yammered off the entire speech I had composed on the drive over there verbatim. The climax of the event had arrived and the seconds were years waiting for his reaction. Needless to say, it was tragic.
The conversation ended with me learning that he and his lady had decided to be together as of the night before and that he was quite certain that he had never in fact loved me. Ouch.
The rest of the day and night was spent drunkenly crying to my girlfriends. TIP: even if you think you just need to be alone, you really need to be with your girlfriends. The next day I woke up and was re-welcomed to the sunny side of life. I got up before everyone else, cleaned myself up, and walked down the street to the grocery store to get breakfast. The healing had begun.
Like any physical wound, deep emotional ones get worse before they get better. And like physical wounds, we can be sure that this process will happen every time and we can find comfort in it. Push through, pass the time with bad TV, and have much wine and chocolate!
The fun of me sharing my stories is I get to hear yours!
What do you think the appropriate grieving period is and what do you take into account when making that decision? Have you experienced a definitive “rock bottom” moment? We are open for discussion!
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About the Author
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- From: TaylorKay
- Name: TaylorKay
- Location: Austin, Texas, United States
- About Me: Hello hello! I'm Taylor and I'm here to talk about everything under the sun that comes with love, heartbreak, and sex. Enjoy my stories, take or leave my advice, and drop me a comment of you feel moved to do so!
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Comments (20)
I don't drink, so I don't use that method, but different people cope differently. I became addicted to video games and I was antsy to get more and more points in the game until I reached over a million points
that sort of helped to keep my mind off of him, but I would turn into a sappy daisy at night and cry. so I became an insomniac and kept playing video games until the early morning and I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to sulk and cry anymore. I wasn't interested in meeting new people, because the thought of any guy disgusted me. I only got over him when I moved and met a new guy. I didn't move because of the guy-it was for a better job, which was the right timing for a new beginning. my life got better. I think it was my good karma.
I've been told that the appropriate grieving period depends on the length of the relationship. I think I hit rock bottom when I started planning my funeral.
I think the "grieving period" depends on how long you realistically saw yourself being with that person.
Needless to say, I think some grieving periods have no end.
I seriously thought you may be my ex, til you started talking about going back to find your boyfriend (and i'm a girl..) anyways though.my story really is just like yours. i was with my ex girlfriend for 3 1/2 years and a great bunch of things drove us apart including religious differences, (i'm agnostic atheist, she found christ) i had just moved out of state, we had rocky moments because she introduced me to drugs. i got hooked, she could use recreationally and be good. as said, it was a great many things. two months after i moved, i called her and we ended up breaking up via telephone because the entire month prior to that she spent more time with a new guy friend that was interested in her (incl spending the night, it was awkward) than she did just talking to me on the phone before bed. i was sort of suspicious and uncomfortable with all of it. even though i broke it of, it devastated me.
i spiraled in such a deep depression (diagnosed bipolar as well) that i would just wake up to go back to sleep. i cried. i didn't have friends in this new state, i didn't go to school anymore and i didn't have a job yet. i was completely isolated. it was definitely rock bottom. i stayed that way for about six months until i made a decent friend named jen who i could unload on. I tried keeping my friendship with the ex, i overdosed taking drugs more than once...i also found out during that time that she slept with a handful of guys and finally settled for my best friend who was in another state as well. she wasn't willing to move for our 3+ yr relationship but she moved in with him and later married him (still together btw!) that was my wake up call.
i got my GED, i got back into martial arts, my passion and started living my life almost overnight. i started my recovery from drugs and started being honest with my parents and close friends. i broke off contact. i moved back home and sometime afterall of that, i found this really terrific man that i'm with now who i now live with in yet another state (yikes, i move alot huh) who has treated me well and i see a future with. things are looking bright and i'm not only out of that hole, i'm reaching for the stars. :)
writing all of this was actually very therapeutic, thanks op. :]
Sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. OUCH is right. I believe that grief must be marched through, as difficult as that can be. I have been there..my (our) relationship lasted 3 years, too.
I think it was most difficult the first couple months, but there were periods of sunshine, even in the worst days. After a couple of months, I did start going out with my girlfriends, but I felt very awkward, at first. Surreal. I went on a few dates after about 6 months, but really don't think I was fully ready until 12 months..but, it was nice to be appreciated by a mmbr of the opposite sex again.
After about 18 months, I did become ok with it and looked fwd to (and was ready for) a new relationship. BUT, that saying, every person is unique and what was good for me may not work for you.
Good luck, dear. Allow yourself some time..look for the small bright light which is in every darkened room. Talk to your girlfriends, but I even ended up going to a counsellor for a while which really helped. I felt my girlfriends were getting a bit tired of my story..
There are bright days ahead.. I learned SOOOO much from this experience!!
oxox
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - I think that it's great that you were able to find a virtually harmless way of coping. People can make arguments about video games, but I'm a fan of them myself so I can see how that would be a very easy time sink to occupy your mind with. Congratulations on the great job opportunity!
Thanks for your story and for taking time to read and respond to my first live post!
@T0m03@xanga -I believe the figure that i have heard most consistently is 1/3 the length of the relationship. Though I'm a little skeptical of that because it did not take me nearly a year to get over this ex haha.
@xcrownedhopeless - Wow, very similar. But that's great! Situations involving drugs and loved ones can be very hard to separate yourself from whether one of you uses (and especially if you both do) and come out clean on the other end. That in itself is an accomplishment!
What's also crazy is that I too am currently in another long-term, wonderful relationship with my boyfriend that I currently live with. Even though I can still clearly remember how dark and miserable I felt in that time, it fills me with jubilation to know that I came out on the other side of it happier, significantly wiser, and really in a relationship with a guy that loves me for the hopeless dork that I am and makes me feel empowered instead of chronically sinful. I'm sure you can relate a lot to that.
Thank you very much for your story. I agree that writing is quite therapeutic.
@greatredwoman@xanga - Thank you (really) for unintentionally pointing out a glaring void in my article (I will ensure background and context in the future). This break up happened about two years ago, but the event is forever cemented in my brain as one of the biggest events in my life to take a life lesson from if you know what I mean. That being said, your advice is very sound and greatly appreciated. Breakups and heartache are things just about every person experiences at one point in their life to some degree, and the beauty in that is it's something people can truly empathize with and genuinely give great advice and support. :) Thank you for your thoughts and I really appreciate your time reading and commenting on my first post!
I didn't even have the chance to have a relationship, but I love him just the same. We met last September, became close friends within weeks and just got closer and closer as the year went on. It got to the point where dinners, hanging out, and buying each other coffee became a weekly thing. He just graduated from college at the end of this school year, so I hid on campus for five days after the semester ended to be able to watch him receive his "diploma". We both left campus on the day he graduated, and he was my last goodbye before I left. I cried as I packed that morning, composed myself enough to give him his graduation gift and say goodbye as I hugged him one last time, cried when I left and continued to cry through the six-hour drive home. I came home depressed and miserable. I separated myself from my friends and family and just mainly have wanted to be by myself all summer. It's nice when I see my friends, but I don't see them as much as usual anymore. I've been home for two months and have seen most of them twice. I'm coping, not the way everyone says I should, but I am. This is my grieving period, and when I return to college in a few weeks, I'll adjust again, and truly learn what life is like without him around all the time but for now, I just want to be able to miss him so much it hurts...Six months separate me and him from seeing each other again though, so as soon as I adjust, I'll see him again and when he leaves again after visiting, I'll be going through this all over again. Oh well, that's heartache, right? I'll be okay.
I feel like the How I Met Your Mother method is appropriate: 1:1 ratio of days in relationship to days grieving, but that's more for under-one-year relationships. Honestly though, I think that when it comes down to it, you can't really "measure" your grieving period. Just don't actively date or whatever, relax for a while. cry as much as you want. Sooner or later you'll decide, "Enough with this mess." If you find yourself forcing those words, then maybe they're not true. Hang out with some new people is my best advice, don't think about time.
Not sure if it's just me or what, but the way your write is oddly jovial for the depressing nature of the text. It's good to be cavalier about the things that taunts and hurts you though, it shows how shows how strong you are.
Not really. I've never made someone my entire life before. I've had bad breakups, but not one where I'd say I'd hit rock bottom.
I'm blessed to have an amazing support system in place, but if I were all alone in the world, terminations would be a lot tougher I think. I like what you said about spending time with friends. It can still get weird during holidays or anniversaries. After ten years of marriage and a divorce it took about 2 years to completely recover. I have found that formula to be true in other breakups (20% of Time in Relationship).
So for a three year relationship it would typically take me about 7 months... a 9 month relationship: less than 1 month, etc.
But yeah, friends and family helps immensely and I don't recommend rebound relationships, as a general rule, not until grieving period is complete. Also, having grown up in a huge family, I love being alone, so I may not be the norm in this case.
I was with a guy for almost 5 years. The entire last year, though, we were hardly in a relationship. We never saw each other one-on-one. We just hung out with friends. I would spend the night at his apartment and he would go to bed without a care that I was drinking on the back porch with his roommate. The only "relationship" aspect left was that we were exclusive.
He broke up with me one day with the line "I think you just need a friend right now". He would call me just to insincerely ask me how I was doing.
I think I grieved for a week.
Then I started hanging out with another guy, who was 10 years older and had a distant girlfriend somewhere, but he literally took me on a date without ever calling it a date. It was awkward, but I hadn't had any flings/dates like...ever. I needed some awkward.
A few weeks later I met another guy. I went to hang out with him one night with a couple of friends and he was really into me. I was not into him, though. I still let him put his arm around me. I thought that was what "single" people did. I had very little experience being single. We saw each other a few more times before I began to like him, and he kissed me, and we began dating.
Literally the day after I began going out with this guy, I went to ex's apartment to give him a bunch of clothes I had laying around. It was my way of saying goodbye. He did not get the message though, because as I went with him to pick up lunch for he and I and his roommate, he tried to take me on a date. I said NO, take me back to my car, we're not doing this. I'm not coming back to you. He called me one time after that, and we never talked again. About 2 years later now, and I'm still with the last guy I began dating.
Hmm I don't know why I just journaled about 90% of my relationship history, but it was therapeutic.
The whole point, though, is that grieving a relationship depends entirely on that relationship...there's no formula to it. It took me a week to get over a 4.5 year relationship because we had grown apart gradually over a long period of time.
If my boyfriend of not even 2 years left me today, I would be grieving for much longer than that.
I hit rock bottom over and over again until I realized how stupid I was being. The guy I was seeing was perfect (I was under the impression that he thought I was the greatest thing that ever happened to him) until the day he dumped me with hardly a warning and with a feeble excuse ("It just will never work out between us, but I still love you. That won't change." Okay, sure. Excuse me while I call you out on your BULLSHIT.)
It was this, "But I still love you" statement that led me to hope that I could find the solution to fix us since you know, all the songs say as long as love between a couple still exists, everything can be salvaged! So, at least twice a week, I'd initiate conversation, try to ask what happened, try to see if I could fix it, and then get my ass handed back to me. This continued for a about a month and a half before I realized I had to let go. Then, a couple of months ago (Which is a year later) I was looking through old emails and realized he had deleted his old email account that he used to send me love mail and pictures he'd take of something interesting throughout the day. I also realized he deleted, or never signed onto his AIM anymore since breaking up with me (This was our primary way of conversing). I also have a strange feeling that he changed his number (Though, I've never tried to call him since I broke up with him) and he changed all his passwords.
It's been more than a year since I last spoke to him. Sometimes I see him because we have a lot of mutual friends in common (And these appearances, I usually make it a point to act like I don't know him.), but I think for the most part I'm past the rock bottom phase. I still think about him more than I should, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to which means I'm over THAT messy phase. Phew.
I've hit rock bottom a few times, just not with romantic relationships (...yet--and never, I hope).
I don't actually remember what particular incident(s) led to rock bottom behavior, but I take that as a good sign to show that I've moved on completely from the incident
I say the grieving period is as long as you need it to be, but I love that you threw yourself back into life instead of hiding from the world. What some don't understand is that you can totally grieve and still be happy. Of course, it doesn't mean you'll never have bad days but as long as you remain positive, throw yourself into good activities and still having fun, you'll be able to snap right back. One thing that helps me is changing something (maybe my hair or my clothing style or even just my journal) and learning something new. With the latter you not only take your mind off thinking about him but you also expand your knowledge, which is always worth something!
The length of your grieving period doesn't depend on the length of your relationship, but the depth of your feelings. There are some very shallow relationships that can drag on for years out of convenience, then there are very intense relationships that may only last for a few months, but reach far into your soul. It's all very individual. There is no formula. You're not a wind-up toy or a jester for society. There's no "correct" amount of grieving time. Assert your right to grieve for as long as you have to.
The thing about grieving time is that it's going to be different for everyone. Obviously his grieving time for the OP was a few hours to a day... hers was just a little bit longer. Mine can go from as long as years to as short as a day.
Most recently, my "rock bottom" was during a camping trip with him and two of his friends. While I pushed the thoughts away in favor of having a good time, it didn't help any. But, I did what I could. In retrospect, he really isn't (or wasn't?) too great for me. He doesn't listen and doesn't understand... so, maybe he has some growing to do or maybe "we" were just experimental.
After the trip, however, "rock bottom" dragged on for a week. A solid week. What shit, am I right? The worst part is that it went to work with me, it came home with me, it followed me everywhere. That's what made this rock bottom the worst to shake.
Presently, I'm shaking it off. I'm looking up (or, at least trying to, as I have been this whole week). But, sometimes I find that the "bright side" I'm seeing is really the lid being lifted before another wave of shit hits me in the face.
@TaylorKay - Holy crap... That means I have two more years to go... >.<