Tuesday, 31 July 2012
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Relationship Ghosts: Objects, Places, Memories That Haunt You
Have you ever found yourself walking down the street, sitting in a café, or even in the front room of your apartment and suddenly being surrounded by the relationship version of the ghosts of Christmas past?When you end a relationship the physical presence of the person you were with disappears, but memories can have a horribly long shelf life, even when you’re trying hard to move on.
I hate when an outfit reminds me of an ex. Love that dress … hate that it reminds me of Tom. Love that necklace … can’t possibly where it again because it was a gift from Dick. Sitting watching a show … STOP because it reminds you of that asshole Harry.
And it's not just physical possessions that get tainted with memories. Relationships are built around places you go together. Can you ever go to that coffee shop again where you used to share a spoon to eat chocolate cake with the guy that ended up giving you herpes? Ok, maybe a slightly overstated example, but places can be emotional, and turn from heaven into hell when a relationship ends.I always wonder how hard it must be to live in a house that’s witnessed a break up. I think I’d have to cut ties, suck up the mortgage and go live in a cardboard box just to escape the memories.
Are you haunted by the ghosts of relationships past?
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About the Author
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- From: lovelife
- Name: Iona
- About Me: I love lots of things, although at the top of my list is Harper Beckham, possibly the best dressed baby ever. Aside from creeping Harper I love Stumbling, running, weight training, and eating chocolate pudding whenever possible. I'm not a relationship expert but I'm happy to throw my two cents in
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Comments (26)
Nope. I have a few philosophies I like to think of as Proton Packs of relationships past. :P
Relationship ghosts are only as powerful as you wish them to be.
Harry asshole. nice pun.
I have horrible relationship ghosts. Not that the memories are terrible themselves, but the fact that there's hardly one area my past hasn't touched. Most of my past relationships have been adventurous in trying new things and going to new places all the time. Eating new foods, events, etc. So it's hard to walk down the street and not think about "them".
Now, I try to turn the memories around and think about all the great things I was exposed to and try to share them with my friends instead. Sometimes I have to include a disclaimer "So-and-so brought me here", but I loved it so much I'd rather share it with friends instead. This way I can build on sad memories with longer lasting ones with better friends.
Nothing is going to erase the past, but I can sure as hell try to make it more distant by filling it up with better things than crappy ex boyfriends!!
No but I do really want to listen to Pictures of You now.
I try not to let them control me. But my most recent ex made me like coolattas a lot less since they remind me of him and I dislike the term "YOLO" even more since we broke up. Didn't like it when we were dating, but just rolled my eyes and didn't say anything when he'd say it.
During a time when I was going through a particularly difficult relationship, there were certain songs that I would play over and over, like a soundtrack to a tragedy. When the relationship was good, I played Norah Jones. It was this very "springtime is for lovers" kind of thing that made me happy. Then, as the relationship progressed, and it became apparent that this wasn't going to work, I played a lot of Evanescence. In fact, for a while, "Call Me When You're Sober" was the song I woke up to, and usually my first thoughts waking up were "fuck you Noah" and then I'd turn off my alarm. But, then, after everything was over, I wound up listening to a lot of Seether, and it was a great catharsis for me. I would listen to their whole album on repeat while I went to sleep. Years later, when I started the relationship I'm currently in, I had the song "Broken" in some playlist on my computer, and as soon as I started playing it, my boyfriend told me to turn it off, as it brought up some bad memories. It seemed that both Micah and I had a bit of overlap when it came to old relationship memories.
uuugh totally, mostly when i'm trying to get over them and stuff reminds me of them. "oklahoma...that's where so-and-so was from... SAE...that's the fraternity so-and-so was in in college", etc.
My Facebook continuously "recommends" that I like his hometown, his favorite football team, his favorite band...etc., all because "he likes this." That bothers me. I also can't listen to "Payphone" by Maroon 5 or "Springsteen" by Eric Church without thinking about him, so that's difficult at times too.
I deal with it everytime I go to work. Met my ex at the bar I work at. Still after we've broken up he still LOVES coming in there. I really don't know why he does it. To act like an asshole? Show me he can still have a good time without me, while I get pissed off waiting on all these drunk people. The only thing he really shows me is I need to switch jobs. And waitress jobs are a dime a dozen!
well. then there's perspective. not dead. not destitute. definitely not starving or afflicted by any rare maladies. so in general my life is better than that of many others. if you're reading this, then congrats, yours probably is as well.
I am definitely haunted by relationships past. If I get the opportunity to talk about video games, I instantly miss Scott. When I walk home from Subway (which is literally down the street), I think of the time Scott and I walked there together. I see Doctor Who is on, I think of Scott. I wear my yin-yang, made of amazonite and lapis, I think of Scott. I wear the necklace he gave me, but I still think of him. I end up passing this awesome place called Roots, I end up thinking about Jordan. Grocery shopping makes me think of Jordan too, and bacon.
I'm haunted but not overcome by the memories. I still talk about video games and even try to play them. I still eat at Subway, walk to and from there almost every time. I still wear my yin-yang and the necklace he gave me. I still enjoy going to Roots. I still have to grocery shop, and I was never really a fan of bacon anyway.
I still have a hard time watching Doctor Who, and a few other shows, because of past relationships. Either I got too much of them from the relationship, or I haven't quite made it to the point where I can just watch them. The point is that time heals the wounds, if you're willing to work with it. I do things that remind me of my exes because I enjoyed them, and still enjoy them. The memories are there, but I can see past that. Yes, I shared things with boys that ripped my heart in two, but I'm the one that put it back together. I can still experience wonderful things without them there.
I never thought of TV shows being something that would potential bring up haunting memories. Now I'm kind of dreading watching Fringe in the Fall without him... :(
I can totally relate. But with time you make new memories in those places and associate other things with new experiences, so it fades pretty well.
All day everyday.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - LOL!
yeah definitely, talking about the long shelves life of memory. it really sucks a lot when the wound's still fresh. the memories are still vivid even after a long time, only it does hurt lesser.
Glimpses of things which remind me of the past sometimes can bring those memories back and cause some pain again. BUT, I find that time is a great healer and I go to the same locations and even wear jewelry and clothing again and it doesn't bother me. I don't want to hang on to bad memories for too long. When it's time to move on, I try to leave it all behind me. I pick myself up, brush myself off and go FORWARD. Don't want to be STUCK.. The person who hurt me is not worth hurting my life now..just not worth it. I don't let him..
You will be able to do that, too, as soon as you find a new love who takes your breath away. Old memories leave quickly!!
mhmm.
Sadly, yes. As hard as you try not to, the memories always haunt you..even when the relationship is well over and long gone. =/
At first, certain things do sting. But eventually I get over them. I have a mindset about relationships, I don't want to ever be with someone who is still hung up on the past, so when I begin a relationship, I make sure I'm over the past. You should be able to openly share everything with your SO, if you're still haunted by remnants of the past, no matter how small, it's not fair to them.
Being that I recently broke off a relationship a few months ago, yes, all the time I'm haunted.
It happens to me sometimes but with my bf who died. It's been a long time now and still I dream of him or remember things about him. I've tried to move on and YES, I came to live to another house and that felt much better.
Very odd question - last year I had met someone who was telling me of a previous relationship and how it went from good to bad and bad to worse and then over. Sometime during the conversation had a very strange feeling that something was not right..though did not know what. I shut off - I shut up and could no longer think..I was anulled if you like. I didn't like it, but carried on regardless. A few months later was invited to take a trip..sure..the days and weeks leading up to the trip were interesting..though the trip turned out to be a downer on more scores than one. First off, it was the same place of a previous acquaintance..things just went down hill from there..needlesstosay..trip was the worst one I had ever undertaken and learned a valuable lesson..to listen to my intuition.
absolutely. he permeated almost every aspect of my life. perhaps it was my fault for being so naively trusting and letting him get that close to me and that intimately involved in my life. but just about every song on the radio, every silver honda accord, every punch buggy, every mustang, five guys, cook out, reddit, anything military-related, workaholics, glee, parks & rec, aubrey plaza, adidas, pumas, zippo lighters (man branding sucks), and even the seasons each remind me of some epoch in our relationship. things that i used to purely enjoy--things that i ended up sharing with him--now seem tainted with the memory of him. even things that i find funny, i automatically think of him, because i want to tell him about it, but i know i can't and shouldn't.