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For the past few months, my girlfriend has been having self-esteem issues and poor self-image, and I don't know how I can help her. I've tried complimenting her on a regular basis, and telling her that the models she sees in ads are mostly airbrushed, but the problem runs a bit deeper than that.
For starters, she says that guys never hit on her on high school. She's never been asked out, or hit on; one of her high school friends told her that she has nice eyes, but that was mostly it. She also tells me about how guys used to ogle other girls and talk about how hot they were, right in front of her, repeatedly, but it was never her. One of her band mates even compared her to a waitress when she was at a restaurant with them; he had the balls to say, "Why can't you look like that? Haha, I'm joking."
Having been a shy guy in high school myself, I tried to tell her that plenty of guys probably did like her, but were probably just too shy to tell her or hit on her. I also have a thought that perhaps guys were hitting on her in ways she couldn't tell.
It frustrates her to hear about how other girls complain about being hit on constantly, or mostly valued for their looks. "At least they know they're pretty!" is her response. She'll also say, "If I was pretty, I'd be complaining about having pretty girl problems, but it's not happening."
It's been months of this, and no matter how many times I've tried to comfort her, she's in a lot of anguish and depression. She's constantly thinking back to the guys in high school who idealized the models on magazines, and sometimes even worries that I might leave her for someone prettier than she is. I'm starting to feel like an inadequate boyfriend for not showing her how wonderful she really is.
Can anyone give me advice on how to better help her?
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Comments (54)
Pic or it didn't happen.
compliment her more, and in front of other people too, and when she has no makeup on and when she just wakes up (ur so [retty 1st thing in the morning!) . just be there and pray 4 her and try not to let it bother u. this too shall pass
she cares way too much about what others think and her looks. As she grows up and matures, she will get over this. Until then, I think you're stuck with a girl who needs to work on her self esteem and that will take time.
Nothing you can do, it's called self esteem, esteem for yourself. She gotta fix it herself. You can nudge and reinforce, but ultimately it's up to her to fix it. Don't overdo it with the compliments either, or else she won't feel they're sincere and more you just coddling her trying to make her feel better.
Like Shirley said she just needs to grow up (mature up) and stop caring what other people think so much. In the meantime, just to be safe, you should probably do your best to never mention how another girl looks good around her.
@ShirleyD@xanga - what she said. This really is something she will have to work on for herself. You can tell her that she is beautiful and keep treating her the way you treat her. It is up to her to start believing it.
She's probably not pretty otherwise she wouldn't complain. (pretty in the generic way that the public idolizes I mean).
You're sweet for wanting to help her, but it's really her own battle. Self image is something we have to deal with ourselves. If she's unhappy with how she looks, persuade her to exercise more, wear flattering clothing, take care of her skin and apply good makeup, etc.
But since the problem runs deeper, she probably need something to make her feel valuable inside. Take a hobby together, volunteer, get a pet, etc. In other words, try to help her find something to be passionate about.
The problem isn't really what you aren't doing; it's actually about her lack of confidence in herself. Anyone can say anything to try to make her feel better, but only she can truly tell herself that she's beautiful. What's the point of trying to appease others if you can never truly appease everyone? She needs to suck it up, realize that she will not get anywhere if she just keeps moping, and start to appreciate what she does have: a wonderful boyfriend who is trying to make her know that she is the most beautiful girl to him, a life where she can accomplish anything if she puts her mind to it, and the freedom to go whichever way she wants. But, it all starts with her. Otherwise, she can't do anything with that perspective that she has a death grip on.
Self esteem is a really delicate thing, if you have self-esteem problems it doesn't matter how many people tell you you're pretty or whatever because you won't believe it. If it's so bad that she's getting depressed she probably should go get counselling or something.
Dude... she knows she's attractive, she's just addicted to you constantly affirming her, and she knows that as long as she feels insecure around you, she'll always have a self-esteem boost when she needs one.
But even if she doesn't, I can promise you this; you telling her will never be enough for her. You're dating her, so of course you think she's attractive. She won't believe it until someone she doesn't think she can get tells her (in which case, your ass is kicked to the curb) or when other girls start getting jealous of her because women don't care what men think about them, what they really care about is how they compare to other women.
Tell her one more time. If she doesn't believe it then, ask yourself why she'd bother being with you if she doesn't think she's a pretty girl. A girl who thinks she's pretty goes for the hot guys. A girl who thinks she's ugly takes what she thinks she can get. What's that say about her opinion of you?
I'm pretty mean, so let me just say that for starters. Obviously, your girlfriend is not pretty and she is not hot, at least not in the minds of the guys around her. But ya know what? So, damn what. Tell her why you chose her over any other girl you could have as a girlfriend. Tell her that her personality is most important to you. Tell her despite the fact too many people place too much importance on looks, that looks aren't that important in the long run. (Heck we all get old and wrinkly if we're lucky.)
It's like if I sit around crying about the fact that I'll never win an Olympic medal for pole vaulting or the long jump or basketball or volleyball... hell, I wasn't born tall enough for those sports so why would I sit around being upset by it? Tell her what you do like best about her. If you continually tell her she's pretty, and she's not, she'll know you are lying to her. Build her self-esteem up some other way... there are ways to do that beyond looks. Good Luck!
Having been the girl, or kind of still being the girl you are talking about - I don't know how much advice I can give you but I can tell you that you're right. The issue is much deeper than just not feeling pretty one day. My "issue" was people telling me how thin I was all the time. ALL the time. As if they thought I was stupid and/or blind. Even my (current) bf told me "If your legs were bigger, you would be hella finer". I can't tell you how I felt when a few weeks, yes weeks, later I finally realized what he had said to me. I felt like the ugliest piece of shit in the world. I thought, maybe my face isn't so bad but my body is just the worst. He apologized later and explained everything he meant, but I didn't really believe him and I made both of our lives hell for about a year over it. I was never happy, completely depressed and I know that I just cared too much about what other people thought, but what are you to do when you feel like EVERYONE keeps telling you the same thing? over & over & over. That's how your gf feels. She has the same situation just "proving" to herself day after day that she's "ugly" or not good enough. I got over my feelings after I gained a LOT of weight & with a lot of support from my bf. I still remember the past and it hurts, but here's the truth- you are going to go through some hell because of her self-esteem issues, but if you stick it out, continue to compliment her, realize that it ISN'T your fault in any way, and SHE makes some change about herself that makes her feel better about herself, then it'll get better. But trust me- that road isn't an easy one to go down. But you can't really do anything about it, it's on her.
I know how she feels. I used to be a lot worse when I first got with Rick. Having my husband walk out on me for another woman TWICE, REALLY did a number on me. I was such a wreck, I don't know how he put up with me. He finally began to tell me that when I said bad things about myself it was like calling him a liar because I didn't believe the good things he said. And in all honesty, I really do not understand why in the world he could ever think of me as beautiful and sexy. But he does, and I am grateful.
@IntoTheWind1@xanga - Not necessarily.
The self-esteem issue is her problem; not yours. Chances are she's testing you to see if she can bring out your inner wussy.
I used to feel that way, but I think it backfired and I'm the arrogant opposite nowadays. such as today...I was checking out my own butt in the bathroom mirror and thought how good I look. then I went back outside the shopping plaza and did a catwalk stroll around the building
I saw some cute guys doing the 360 degrees turn of their neck and I was semi-startled when one buff black guy was right behind me while I was bent over looking at something at the store
it was a sexy day
lmao I bought some cute stuff while I was at it. my bf doesn't think I'm stuckup but plays into my divaness
would you rather that she turn into me
well, I have my humble days sometimes, where I feel ugly and don't want anyone staring at me, and I'll even get annoyed/mad, but it is probably my paranoia that they are looking at me and seeing how ugly I am when they probably don't notice since I "feel" ugly, but I still have some self esteem and don't feel that ugly. I think I started feeling "sexier" and hotter or whatever when I noticed these hot men at work checking me out
one of them simply said hi to me and I was giddy for the rest of my day. he didn't even compliment me but I think it mostly has to do with him being my crush and he knew that I existed by saying hi to me
he has no idea because my excitement isn't apparent and I tend to keep my composure at work. I'm secretly giggly on the inside when he's around me
oh and my boss crush sortof talked to me before and his sexiness immediately shot at me like an arrow and I had this silly smirk on my face
so I think if her hot crushes on men, who she thinks are gorgeous, notice her in some way or another, then she'll probably feel better. her self esteem might skyrocket and then she might start to think about them more and then even become kindof obsessed with these newfound crushes or that's just me
be careful what you wish for
:D
I went through a short period where I was kinda negative, and didn't get any boys then. Soon I came around though and I'm back to my usual perky self. I get lots of boys now.
She probably just needs to change her way of thinking. Peeps can feel that pessimistic stuff and it's kinda a turn off, at least for me. Plus those models in magazines aren't pretty usually. They're too thin and their expressions are weird.
It definitely is an inner issue that she will have to sort out for herself. That honestly sounds exactly like me. I never dated a guy that went to school with me, never got hit on at school or anything. I know that i've said those exact same things that she has and it makes a person think that there is something wrong with them or that they aren't good enough. I used to complain all the time to my boyfriend, now husband, about that when i would have doubts on myself and he never believed that no one ever "hit" on me either or they did it in a way i just couldn't realize. After a while he got tired of hearing me being insecure all the time. High school was high school- kids are douche bags in high school and really shallow and that it shouldn't matter. He tells me I'm beautiful EVERY day since we've been together, and slowly but surely i've come to means that i don't care what other people think of my looks- as long as it still gets his blood flowing at the end of the day ;]
Tell her to keep her chin up, shes not the only one with insecurities or gone through something like this. and confidence is wayyyy more attractive than insecurity. She's unique and beautiful in her own way and that you appreciate every single detail about her body and you wouldn't change a thing about her.
Everybody posting on this must not understand. If you've never had to experience these thoughts with EVERY.SINGLE.WOMAN that walks by, you might not have the understanding of how hard it is to simply "accept oneself," and it has nothing to do with maturation. People shouldn't act like developing a positive self-esteem is something that happens overnight, or something that you can choose. For some people, it's really hard for them to see their own worth.
To the original poster: I am very much like your girlfriend, although I know that my boyfriend likes me the way I am. For me, and perhaps for your girlfriend, it is not that she wants to be like anyone else, she may be just looking to be the best her that she is (physically, intellectually, morally etc.) . . . and is probably frightened that her best doesn't seem measure up as she sees it in other women. It doesn't have anything to do with what anyone else thinks, her insecurity is about the comparisons she makes on her own. Your job is to support her best qualities. Do not feed her comparisons, focus on her strengths. If it's physical qualities she's hurting about, deep down she might feel that way about deeper qualities too. Emphasize those other qualities as well. SHOW her, not tell her, all the ways you think she is beautiful.
I continuously struggle with these kinds of thoughts because that is how I have learned to think since I was younger. I am trying to think of life these days not as a competition, but as on our own journeys. And because we're all different, we're not going to have the same journeys so we might as well live them carefree without comparing ourselves that we lose ourselves.
Especially if it has been happening recently (you mentioned the last couple of months,) you may want to figure out if something happened or what is going on to trigger this, or where it came from. No matter how much you compliment her, she has to work through whatever it is that is going on down deep (at least one person mentioned this, so I suppose I am affirming their answer.)
why does she care so much what random stranger guys think about her when she has a loving, genuine boyfriend? I think that is more of an issue than her not feeling pretty, because the boyfriends opinion should matter more than random guys.
I've learned that when girls think something negative about themselves you just really can't change their minds. I've never understood why girls will refuse to believe others when they are told they're pretty, or whatever it is. Especially when a lot of people are telling them that. It seems to me it's something they just have to figure out for themselves or not at all.
Well... you have entered the plight of most men. My husband deals with this all the time, because I am like that. I think really it is best to give genuine compliments when she is NOT saying disparaging things about herself (cause then we know you're just saying it to make us feel better) when she is at her "ugliest." try, "god you're so beautiful" first thing in the morning when her hair is everywhere, half awake, etc, or when she just finishes working out and is all sweaty, or when she gets out of the shower and her hair is still in a towel.
Things like that let me know that even if I never see myself as pretty or thin, at least HE does, and it doesn't take a tight dress or makeup to make him think that. It's ME he thinks is pretty.
OH, and another thing that my husband does, is he says things like "well, I'm the only one that really matters when it comes to thinking if you are beautiful. Those other guys don't matter anymore, and I think you're gorgeous"
Honestly, you can't change her mind. Self-esteem comes from within. No matter how many times you tell her she's beautiful, she won't believe it until she feels it herself. If it's so bad she's depressed, maybe she should get counselling and try and uncover any reasons behind her feelings. I dated someone with low self-esteem once, and it sucked, honestly. He was a lovely guy but his low self-esteem made him do really stupid things because he thought it would get him "accepted". We ended up breaking up because he was constantly miserable, his lack of confidence turned into insecurity and jealousy and I couldn't handle it anymore. If you love her, my advice would be to address this before it gets worse - best of luck! :)
There's nothing you can do. & I'm really sorry because I've put guys through this before & it really sucks for them. I suggest trying to get her into therapy or telling her that you don't know what to do or say when she puts you in positions like that. I mean, other girls might get asked out all the time but who's going to ask out a girl who has no confidence? Girls with confidence shine, while the ones without it let themselves fade into the background. At any rate, when she talks about wanting to get hit on, remind her she has you & you think she's the most beautiful woman in the world. & if she doesn't accept or just tosses aside your compliment, tell her how that makes you feel. Having no self esteem is a very selfish thing. You're in this tornado inside your own head so it makes it impossible to see how much you effect the people around you. Try to help her see that her feeling like shit about herself is not going to help matters at all. No one wants to approach a walking cloud of emotion, & humans can sense it. Another thing that might help is when she says something negative, replace it with something positive. For example, if she says her hair is ugly, tell her it's your favorite shade of brown (or whatever the case may be). Try to make her see the positives & realize how awful the negatives are.
Overall, I think you're an amazing guy for not only sticking it out but trying to help. Hopefully she realizes that & appreciates it, but if she continues to spiral downward, don't be afraid to tell her how it's affecting you. She might turn it all around & try to tell you you're wrong because somewhere in her mind she believes she deserves to be unhappy, which is why compliments won't really work because they're easy to brush off. But really try to get her to go into therapy. Maybe suggest going with her the first time or something.
@galadrielspitcher@xanga - It's because whenever someone gives her a compliment, there's this dark little creature in the back of her mind that laughs & tells her it's not true, that they're only saying it to make her feel better & her legs are definitely as fat as she thinks they are. But you're right, it's something a girl has to figure out for herself. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to build yourself back up after you've broken everything without even realizing it. It's an awful thing to feel you're trapped in your own body.
You're being a helpful boyfriend and I respect that, but there's more to looks. I mean...like everyone has stated....It's her own battle.
It's self esteem issues and I know this sounds super shallow as shit...but maybe you can lean her towards feeling more attractive.
Go work out together you know...working out releases endorphins that make you happy as shit. Like after I work out...I feel lighter and accomplished.
Take her shopping...I don't know...like buy her shit. Not like feeding her gold digging side but spoil her...let her find outfits that'll accentuate the traits she does like about herself.
does she wear makeup? Get her a gift card so she can go to Sephora where workers there can enhance ways to make her pretty eyes stand out more. This is all shallow things, but if she's really down...then that's something you can't fix...but you can try to guide her.
It'll help you improve too because then maybe you can understand her more. I really hope my advice helps. I feel that it would.