Saturday, 28 July 2012
-
RE: Asking Guys Out
I'm not a feminist. I'm not a "masculist" (or whatever that would be called). I'm a dreamer. You can call it as you see it as you read through this post, but I'm simply a dreamer all the way. So I'm sure most won't understand this post. I hope I'm wrong, though.Feminism is responsible for a lot of awesome things. We can now vote, go to school, get real jobs and make it just as far as a man could in life. I know you hear a lot of, "women get paid less than men," but that must vary depending on the field because I have always been paid equally with men. But there are some of us out there who are maybe considered "old-fashioned," or even sexist, if you want to go to the extreme, simply because they like how certain things used to be.
My big thing is getting asked out. Call me whatever you want to call me, but I have never asked a guy out. I don't want to. You see, dating is somewhat of a game. You flirt your ass off. He asks you out. You stress over what to wear and how much make-up you should cake onto your face. He leans in for the kiss. You close the gap and poof! A connection is made (well, possibly).
There used to be a time where a man and a woman each played a certain role in the dating game. And every now and again you do find men who still agree with the "old-fashioned" ways, but I've found that our roles are now very screwed up.I firmly believe in a "to each her own" attitude. As long as you're not hurting anyone else, do and like what you want. But I really hate it when someone's opinion suddenly becomes the social norm and you can either get on board, suffer because of it, or look picky because you're not comfortable with it. But that's the bottom line here. I'm not comfortable asking a guy out. You see, I'm not a girly girl at all. I love my jeans and sneakers, I prefer to be the one holding the door open and I can change my own oil.
But I grew up sneaking copies of Cosmo and Glamour instead of Seventeen, so I had this idea in my head of how dating would be. I started dating around fifteen and from then until I hit twenty, I had always been asked out. Then, as I began to hit up the bars more, I found quite a few guys to flirt with. So I would flirt... and flirt... and flirt... and the whole time I would feel this pressing expectation, like he expected me to say something like, "Hey, I just met you and this is crazy..."Things are different these days, and I know it's either get with it or get left behind. But I suppose this is one tradition I didn't want to see die out. I still haven't asked a guy out, and I don't think I ever will. To me, being asked out is a guy showing me that he's a man. He's confident enough to go for what he wants and he's not afraid of rejection. Maybe I will find myself waiting around for that guy for awhile, but that's okay. Maybe I'll just go south and find myself a country boy. But for now I simply tell myself that I know what I want and that's all that matters.
Am I alone, here? Are there any other girls out there who feel like this?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: Awake_My_Soul420@xanga
- Name: I.Am.Self.Made.
- About Me: Crowded streets are cleared away, one by one. Hollow heroes separate as they run. You're so cold, keep your hand in mine.. Wise men wonder while strong men die. Show me how it ends, it's alright. Show me how defenseless you really are. Satisfied & empty inside.. Well, that's alright, let's give this another try. If you find your family, don't you cry. In this land of make-believe, dead and dry, you're so cold but you feel alive. Lay your hand on me one last time..
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 4386 Comments: 0 96 View all posts by Awake_My_Soul420@xanga
Comments (96)
The "rules" are not screwed up at all, they're just changing with the times. If you like somebody, ask them out! Grow some balls, woman!
I'm a woman and most times, I've been the one to ask people out. I asked my boyfriend out in high school. My college boyfriend, I think he asked me out if I remember correctly but I was dropping hints to him that I was ready for a relationship. Or at least add them to facebook once I meet them and then they message me on there to ask me out. This three day waiting game or a week waiting game is all a bunch of games. If someone's interested, then they should say so right off the bat and respect someone's decision if they're not interested. Otherwise if people prolong it long enough to not seem clingy they're going to take that as a sign of not being interested.
However, that's not to say be straight forward and blunt. This 60yo who is obsessed with me told me, "When I see what I want I go for it." Uh, no. He didn't even know me at all and he automatically just wanted in my pants or tried to seduce me on the 3rd time we hung out. I've told him no that I don't want his ass and for the past 5 to 7 months he still been trying to get with me. I don't do gramps. There comes a time when people need to face they're not wanted. On to the next one. It isn't the end of the world being rejected.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - But that's the thing. I have the balls. But women go after what they want all the time, regardless of getting hurt. I want to know that a guy is willing to put his emotions on the line, too.
I don't see anything wrong with wanting a guy to be the one to ask you out. I know very few attractive women who have a shortage of male attention and I don't suspect not asking guys out would change things. That said if that's the way you want it maybe sometimes you'll have to except the guy you're interested in not asking.
@Awake_My_Soul420@xanga - You won't know that even if the guy asks you out. Just because a guy asks you out doesn't automatically mean he's willing to put anything on the line for you other than a few hours of his time.
@Awake_My_Soul420@xanga - The only way to get what you want is to go after it, and I've found that guys really do admire that in women. Playing games will only make them hate you. Men like women who are straight forward. Who asks first doesn't determine how much of a "Man" he is, that's just stupid. Guys can be shy too, even more shy than girls sometimes. If you end up dating, ectect guys do show their emotions in their own ways. Like what @QuantumStorm@xanga said, it takes time for him to truely be able to give you everything he has. Life isn't some fairy tale.
I kinda sorta feel like this, though not completely, and only because the times I've approached a guy first about the whole 'hey i like you' thing I've never gotten a positive response out of it. So now, unless he asks me first, I'm in a 'I don't give a anything' phase that could possibly see no end as far as I'm concerned.
Be a WOMAN and get some confidence to ask a guy out.
"To me, being asked out is a guy showing me that he's a man."
*walks up and unzips pants*
Yep. I'm a man. Now what?
If it isn't direct, it isn't "showing" you anything. You made that up.
As I said in a recent entry:
"If you're going to use a predictive method for gaining a personal advantage over other females, I will make no attempt to gain a statistical advantage over other males for the sake of attracting you, because if you're capable of analyzing my qualities without me directly telling you them, you should be able to do so without me having to prove them to you."
Otherwise, a day will come where the best male, evolutionarily speaking, still isn't good enough.
Queens and drones... I'm tellin' ya. Queens and drones.
Yeah...cuz being able to hit on a girl is what makes you a "real man". In fact, I'm pretty sure that's how the Native Americans used to do it. Send out the young teenager into the woods with nothing but a cocktail and pen and when he came back to the tribe with 7 phone numbers (or 2 hickies)...he would be pronounced a REAL MAN.
'the roles are screwed up'. most women don't aim to be feme fatale, and men get verbally and physically assaulted of being misogynistic if they behave as gentlemen.the roles are fine, people's egocentrism is what is screwed up.
the problem is entitlement. (second wave) feminism ruined the gender roles. it ruined women from being culturally beautiful. and now third wave feminism (which you seem to belong to) is trying to say 'we were wrong'. but it is too late, second wave feminism threw away all your former entitlements to seek equality of gender. and you grew up into that ideology. you personally feel entitled to have the power of romantic choice, which second wave feminism threw out, and stomped upon. one of many reasons no 'group' should be considered valid spokespeople for groups like gender or anatomy.
you are accessing entitlements form different eras. unfortunately, the only people who tolerate the incoherency of the dogma are abusive jerks. wearing pants is being of male gender, and if you want to assume the role that is fine, but most guys are not interested in men. so your choice of being a man tosses away your old world female special considerations.
more bluntly, by forfeiting culture you forfeit all of it.
it is fine to not be a girly girl. but you have to realize the role you assume is the one you are considered to be playing. if you aren't girly, you aren't a girl (in terms of gender)- anatomy is a moot consideration. if you want to be with a masculine guy that is fine, but you have to realize a masculine guy might not be interested in you. also with the rise in sexual harassment, the guy is legally inclined to not ask you out.
anyway, i'm a effeminate guy. i similarly have to realize that many girls might not ask me out or show clear interest in me because of that. but i don't really care. i'd rather be me than the gender role projected upon me by society, even if that means relinquishing the entitlements often assumed by non-queer gender.
should you ask guys out? only if you want the person rather than the idea of what they could or should be.
I couldn't agree more with you! I just don't feel comfortable asking a guy out because I feel like the guy is supposed to ask the girl out. I know it might be old fashioned or whatever you want to call it, but that's the way I was raised and that's the type of social etiquette I adapted from my parents. I come from a European background so I guess that is part of the reason why. Anyways the way I see it, if the guy is interested in you and actually wants to date you or be with you then he'll ask you out, if not then he's not and I don't see a point in asking him out if he's not interested in me... it seems a little desperate but that's just my opinion.
@you_are_what_you_eat@xanga - "Old fashioned" is no consent at all.
I've been with women that -i've- asked out and others that have asked me. The only one I felt comfortable with the whole "ask out" situation was the one where I did the asking. But: she was my friend already, asking her out was nothing and I guarantee the only reason she didn't ask me was because I was her first and she was shy. I'm a shy guy, too, though. If a woman is more shy than me, I will probably ask her out. If she is more...abrasive, for lack of a better term, I will wait for her. That's just how I am. Now, I think there's a difference between being shy and living under an ideology like you do. If a girl simply wanted me to ask her out because she felt that's how it should be, I would cease to pursue her indefinitely. I am in no way a traditionalist - I've eschewed a lot of things that people would expect of me, but that's generally how progress is made. I don't want to waste time with courtship practices that mean very little to me. What I get out of a relationship is the experience, conversation and compatibility. Sure, I'll pay for checks sometimes, I'll open a door for a woman, but she might do it for me, too - and that's just her being courteous. It makes me love her -more-. I'd actually become rather frustrated with a woman, I think, if her affection was only shown in traditional ways. Maybe it just works inversely - that is, if the woman is willing to break the norm for me, that's saying a lot. A lot of women still hold to your thinking, at least in the places I've been to. I was with a woman who wanted me to drive her every time we went out, open all doors, pay all date expenses, chairs, etc. This may not seem like a big deal, but it can be. I'm simply not that type of person. I love to make women feel special, but in special ways. Being on equal ground makes things a lot more interesting. I'm at a point in my life where I'm far too busy with work to be chasing women. That's not to say I don't want a partner, but I'm mature and independent and I would hope that she is too. Obviously the whole "who asks who out" isn't really representative of that, but I definitely want someone that I can rely on, someone who is willing to put in just as much work as I do.
I'm not trying to be tacky or rude but I do have one question:
How many Harlequine Romances have you read? Try something more like THIS
Now I am older than dirt but there are lots of ways to let a man know that you are interested. Oh, basically it follows your rules...he will do the asking in his own time, but as my daddy said, "I chased her until she trapped me". I don't know if you live with your parents or not, but for the sake of argument lets say "NOT". The intended "target" works with you or attends college with you, go up and ask him if he likes chicken. He will probably say "Doesn't everybody?" Then tell him you're having one of your parents-an old friend -anyone really and you have a new recepie and would he mind stopping by your place for dinner and see if it is ok?" You haven't made a date, you have asked a favor. Any favor will work, it doesn't have to be dinner but that is a really great place to start. Actually my husband was easy. It was cold winter time and he worked at that time in an auto garage. I heard him say that his heat was off at the house because he had spent his money going to the gun range. I had known him a while and said, "I bet you would love a hot shower" "Don't you know it", says he. I told him I had heat and he could shower at my place. He looked surprised but a hot shower tore down any resistance. I said, "let me stop by the store and then while you are in the shower I can make us a stew".
It took a couple more visits for him to be comfortable asking me out. I don't remember what was playing....only that it was the worst movie I have ever seen. We've been married 31 years this Christmas (I told you I was older than dirt).
I guess the only thing left to say is "Happy Hunting"
Don't you listen to them. There are still Mr. Darcy's everywhere. This notion that chivalry is dead clearly needs to be retired. The culture that comes with our idea of romance can't be shot down as some passing fad. It runs back as far as Late Antiquity. We have not forgotten. Have patience and look for warm smiles. They usually are a good starting place ;)
"I firmly believe in a "to each her own" attitude. As long as you're not hurting anyone else, do and like what you want. But I really hate it when someone's opinion suddenly becomes the social norm and you can either get on board, suffer because of it, or look picky because you're not comfortable with it."
Oh really? And what would it be, if women never asked men out and men were always expected to take the initiative? It would be
your opinion becoming the social norm that everyone else has to accept.A far, far more logical norm is that people ask each other out, regardless of gender, and no one tries to play games about it. Your "dream" isn't actually better, it's just easier for you---because you don't have to risk being rejected. The man bears all the risk for you. But a lot of men don't want to play that game, and then you get mad because they don't? You're imposing your opinions on everyone else.
@svrd04@xanga - The culture that comes with this idea of romance is the same culture that comes with women not being allowed to vote or hold property. It comes with rape not being taken seriously as a crime.
And no, I don't think you can have the one without the other, because your notion of chivalry is based upon a fundamental division between men and women, exactly the same idea that got us sexism in the first place.
If you like a guy, how about you ASK HIM OUT? For goodness's sake, why do you want to play such a ridiculous and pointless game?
Such is life. There is irony in women wanting to find love -- yet simultaneously -- are selfish about pursued.
You're a woman who would never, ever put yourself out there for a man but expects men to put **themselves** out there for someone like you.
If you can't see yourself dating someone who wouldn't ask you out, then that's fine, I suppose. Your loss, if anything. I think both genders need to have the confidence to ask someone out. You say you want someone who goes for what he wants, but you have to remember he might not consider you until you are like "hey, so want to go out sometime?" Because I get asked out by guys I never would have asked out just because...I don't know, they just went past my radar. It's like "oh" and I realize "hey, he IS kinda cute". But if you, as a woman, ask him out, you are instantly on his radar. Some guys don't like being asked out, but I wouldn't want to be with a guy that would say "no" just because of tradition and pride, so it works out.
Dating is only a game if you make it one. If you are looking for a relationship, the games need to stop. This is me saying this to everyone, male and female. I see a guy playing games, I move on because I am looking for a relationship, not some casual undefined dating thing.
I think it's a more "to each their own" kind of world and I don't really think I have any kind of opinion one whether girls should or should not ask guys out. Everything you sense about a person when you first meet them, be it fashion or the way they stand or talk, gives you an example of what kind of person they are and whether or not that's the sort of person you want to date. Maybe you want more of a dominant kind of boyfriend? No, not dominant like whips and chains, but more proactive in decisions.
I wouldn't mind a girl asking me out, but then I'm very open minded about things. Also, I don't like "playing" the dating game, so having a girl tell me directly that she likes me would be a nice change of pace instead of this guessing game. I literally asked a girl for her number once who had a weird eye twitch - I swear I thought she was winking at me.
it doesn't really flatter me if a guy was flirting with me at a bar or club, because that's often his drunk courage. he likely wouldn't be as bold to talk to me like that if it was at a different setting where it isn't as easy to break the ice or not at a setting like at a bar/club where the scene is expected to be flirty. if he is rejected, then he can write it off as, oh-haha! I only said that to you because I was drunk! bahahaaa! my face is red because I had a few too many drinks, NOT because I'm blushing like I usually would if I was trying to awkwardly talk to you while sober
if she is receptive of his flirting, then woohoo!score!!! if anything, I think he's a drunk moron:D some drunk guy at a casino was mumbling who knows what and the first thing I did was smell his alcohol breath and immediately cringed. he walked closer and closer to me as if he was going to touch me or throw up towards me. I stepped back and gave him the hand to back off rofl because he scared me! I don't get how being drunk is actually a good ploy to get closer to women, because it is when they don't look, smell or act their best. it isn't a good first impression at all. the people, who do fall for it, probably are also drunk and/or use the same social ice breaker, so they are meant for each other
I find out of the blue flirting to be cuter and less contrived though it can still be rehearsed. I'd be surprised if guys have the nerve to talk to me because I have that indifferent poker face
I usually look like I'm lost or zoned out
guys usually don't talk to me outside of work due to not having moments to break the ice with. I rarely go to bars/clubs. they usually talk to me while I'm walking at the hallways at work and ask me which department I work at since the place is huge and he hasn't seen me around before or he has seen me around but asked me anyway when we crossed paths
I find out that the guys that I'm attracted to and wanted to talk to are often married. the few times that I did talk guys first, they thought I was psycho
it is like a weird alien encounter since they aren't used to females initiating things first. it often didn't turn out well. it was like I invaded their environment even thought they've been expecting this day when females make the first move first, yet when the moment arrives, they freak out
I heard from a few guys that I know that they feel that it is more of a thrill when they make the first move and chase a girl first, because it is like a predator winning the prey-not their exact words, but they mentioned something about winning, so they probably are players
Why is this such a big deal? People are here arguing back and forth telling her to "grow some balls". She doesnt feel comfortable asking guys out, so what?! Its her life, let her be. Good for you if you're a girl and ask guys out thats your choice.Do whatever floats your boat and move on, smh.
I've always been a go getter, so if I like a guy, I will ask him out. Waiting around ain't my thing. I don't necessary think being asked out is showing you that a guy is being a man. They are a man regardless if they choose to ask you out or not. Shrugs. Besides, most guy find it flattering if a woman makes the first move. There ain't nothing wrong about that.
I'd almost feel robbed if a woman I was interested in asked me out before I had the chance to ask her. I guess that makes me a sexist in today's culture. But to me, it's just... yeah. The roles were good. I'd rather do the asking.