Thursday, 26 July 2012
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I'm Attracting the Wrong Women!
This past weekend, I went to a lock and key event in my city. For those of you who are not familiar with a lock and key event, it's the ultimate icebreaker event for singles. Basically, all the guys each get a small key connected to a chain and all the women each get a small lock also connected to a chain. The guys go around and try to unlock the locks of all the women around to see which one opens.
If a guy does manage to open a lock, he and the girl go up and each get a free raffle ticket along with a new lock and key. Obviously, this leads to a lot of interesting interactions that may not otherwise happen in a normal social setting.The event was open to people ages 21-49, so there were a variety of age brackets there. I was talking with this one lady who is a cosmologist at Fantastic Sams. She was 10 years older than me and she was half my height and plump, so I really wasn't all that attracted to her but we still talked. I planned on going to my favorite local club after since it was Latin night, and she asked if I could give her a ride since she didn't want to walk all the way to the parking garage. I of course, like the sucker I am, agreed. I didn't think it would be that bad since I invited some other friends to come along as well.
I knew she was coming on way too strong when she was complimenting me on my intelligence and dancing ability a little too much, and then it got really bad when she wanted me to drink from her glass and then she wanted to drink from mine, and then she wanted to dance with me for much of the night. Then she wanted to hold my hand whenever we were walking while constantly complimenting me on how much of a "gentleman" I am.
All I could say to myself was, "When is this night going to end?" This is a girl who I would have been fine being friends with, and she said that's all she wanted to be, but she was definitely crossing the line with her actions. I spent a lot of time trying to find her car, and I was afraid if we couldn't find it that I would be forced to have her stay the night over. Ugh.If I was attracted to this girl, this would have been a great night. But since I'm not, I feel violated, and it's not the first time either. I tend to attract women who I am in no way attracted to and are not right for me. In order to stop doing that, I need to stop being so nice and I need to shy away from such women at the first sign of danger. Furthermore, I need to use a more cocky and funny attitude to attract the women that I AM into.
Do you tend to attract people who you aren't attracted to?
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- From: Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga
- About Me: I have been using Xanga since August 2001 and have seen a lot of changes since then.
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Comments (48)
Or you can just tell her that you are not attracted to her in that way? It's not that you attract the wrong type of women; you just do not tell the ones that are attracted to you that you're not attracted to them. It has nothing to do with being nice or being cocky; it's about being assertive, whatever your actions may be.
^yes.
I agree with the first comment. Just tell the women you aren't into them. If a guy started attempting that stuff with me, I would set the man straight right away, set boundaries! Otherwise they will get the wrong idea from you. I used to attract people I would never date. However, now that I am in a serious relationship, people I would have been interested are popping up outta nowhere. But that's how it works! Luckily, I have no interest in these fellas anyway when I got a great man in my life. :)
Everyone attracts people to whom they are not attracted. You have to develop a sense of humor about it. It's kind of silly to feel violated by someone fawning over you unless they cross the line into creepy territory (which she may have with the drink thing). When I was younger, I was a lot more mean and blunt, now I try not to be mean or rude because it isn't necessary. There is a way to get a woman to understand you aren't interested without being rude about it.
As much as that abpve comment is true, I know how hard it can be to say 'no' to someone. I can be too nice and let people hang around that I'm not interested in because I don't want to hurt their feelings and like them in a friendly way. But you do need to be more assertive and letting her hold your hand and dance with you all night is just too much. Especially giving her a lift, that's okay but it would have been waaay too far if you let her stay the night. You really do need to be more assertive :)
the first thing I thought about was that you would have to give her a piggyback ride home if you couldn't find her car
this really sounds like kermit and miss piggy's romance; one shy and one bossy
flinching away when she tries to hold your hand or touch you, or if she does manage to sneak a grip at your hand and hold it, then don't hold her hand back or don't squeeze it, so it is a flimsy hold, not looking her in the eye when you talk, not actively engaging her conversation with her, not laughing when she supposedly said something funny, then staring at her awkwardly as if she is crazy
if she doesn't get from these body signals that you're not that interested in her, then pretend to eagerly text someone on your phone and when she gets annoyed that you're not paying attention to her or if she doesn't seem to mind but is nosy and asks you who you're texting, then casually mention that you're texting another girl, who you think is very cute, whom you're going on a date with. if she doesn't back off and sees it as a challenge, then run, she's a likely psycho stalker/sexual molester.
yeah, this is why i stopped dating girls who aren't from new york--they don't know how to say no (which was your mistake in this case, as everyone else already said).
@laytexduckie@xanga - weren't you the one who told me a few weeks ago that fat chicks need love too? but, i decided that chibi should have hit it in this particular case and written it off as community service.
lmao this post cracks me up. You're such a drama king. I agree with the first comment, just learn to say what you want and that'll prevent all unwanted violations
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I did. BUT, it was a Family Guy reference. And, maybe. But who know? Maybe a hit would have created an unquenchable monster that would hunt him in the nights to come (pun might have been intended).
If you're not attracted to someone who likes you, you need to tell them. It's not fair to drag someone along, and all it does is cause more problems in the long run. I know it can be hard to tell someone the truth (especially if it's going to hurt), but it's for the best. I'd rather be told that someone isn't attracted to me before I get even more into them.
you took a risk.. and when you take a risk it doesn't always end up the way you wanted it too.. sometimes its better, often its not.
But I would like to say that I think its nice of you to not act like an ass and treat the girl bad because you are not attracted to her. You could have done that.... but it sounds like you didn't.. It sounds (to me) like you tried to be nice, even though she wasn't your type.. and even though you basically led her on all night.
You need to learn to say "You're great, but Im just not feeling it".. Honesty is better then leading the girl on to believe there is something more there.
Come on, dude. You could simply have told her you'd love to go to the club with her but only as friends. By accepting all this affection, you're sending all the signals you don't want to send. Improve your game or stop bitching to xanga when you get what you ask for.
So, now you know how it feels to be a woman!! I've dealt with this all my life, as I'm sure all women have. The person who thinks you are flirting back when you are just trying not to be rude.
Here's my rules for you, follow them and it won't be an issue. 1) Do not allow any woman into your car unless you are attracted to her. If she doesn't like you, you are still a nice guy. If she likes you and you don't like her, your night is ruined. You are not obligated to be overly nice to people you just met. 2) Don't let her touch you. 3) Don't do anything she suggests. 4) And you sure as hell shouldn't think she may have to stay at your place, what???
At any rate, to outsiders, you guys were flirting with each other, so any nice girl attracted to you that night would have ignored you.
"If I was attracted to this girl, this would have been a great night. But since I'm not, I feel violated, and it's not the first time either"
Exactly. I've had guys take advantage of my niceness by pretending to be friends but really wanting more. In the end I feel disgusted and really annoyed by these people who I've given the benefit of the doubt to. Now if I get the slightest feeling that a guy wants more than friendship, I will withdraw from speaking to them. Maybe there are some guys that try to actually be friends and may be turned off by what they think is "bitchy," but I've had too many experiences to give exceptions. It's okay to say "no"! It's okay to be selfish! They are being selfish too by going past your boundaries.
Being more cocky and funny is a great way to become a douche. Be yourself, and be honest with girls you're not attracted to. Seriously, it's not that hard.
@TrekkieECH@xanga - Cocky and funny is what the hottest women around are attracted to. Using cocky comedy doesn't compromise who you are; it's just a way of interacting, and an effective one at that.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - You keep insisting that hot girls like cockiness, but how is that actually working for you?
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - You're not likely to attract the kind of girls you like in the long term if you're not genuine with them. I think what works with "cocky and funny" is that you're displaying confidence, which is going to attract people in general.
It's hard to say no sometimes, but I try to think of it that way: if a person hits up on me, they are not shy. They are evidently quite self confident, and if they show interest so fast it's likely they do it often. Anyone who is prone to making the first steps knows it can end up in dissapointment.
If she was super shy and had been lurking for years and then came out, it would be hard and painful to let her down, but don't get too involved with random strangers. She has no reason to be angry.
You are doing her a favor by setting boundaries soon, and I think she knows this, after she was looking for more than a ride home, and wasted her own time too (unknowingly).
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - You keep forgetting that cockiness alone doesn't work. You have to be both COCKY and FUNNY. For example, I was dancing with a girl last night that these big holes in the back of her dress that my fingers got caught in. She pointed out that she had holes in the back of her dress because they weren't visible because of her hair. I asked "Did moths eat through them?" She was cracking up.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Cockiness even with being funny never works. Your moth joke was entertaining, not cocky. I've had more than my fair share of cocky guys annoying the piss out of me, and certainly I may not be "hot" enough to enjoy it, but I don't know any other woman who does.
Aren't you the guy who is always complaining about being rejected by women? Now you know what it feels like to be pursued by someone you are not interested in!
I think you just need to be assertive, as previously stated in other comments. You should have nicely, yet assertively told her you weren't into her but you wouldn't mind being friends, if she wants more then that - the friendship is off the table & if you couldn't have found her car, that's why cabs were invented. i wouldn't say be cocky to attract the right girl, that could easily backfire. Just be yourself & hone your assertive skills better so you can weed out the ones you don't like from the ones you do.
I'm actually going to go somewhat against what appears to be the consensus. Yes it is true you do not owe anyone anything from a sexual standpoint. That said, I would argue that if you're going to singles events such as these you do owe the people there a level of courteous higher than that you would give to a random stranger. These are people who presumably are spending a fair amount time and money hoping to meet someone. I think that if you want to participate in this process part of the game is that you'll also need to give some time to people you might not find that interesting. If you don't like that than I say find another way to look for women.