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Okay, let's make one thing clear. I'm not one of those sad, pervy middle-aged women making pathetic passes at fourteen-year-old boys. No! I'm 28 years old and I teach an ESL (English as a Second Language) class at the local university.
One of my students, "Karim" (like I'd tell you his real name!) is 22 years old and from India. I am incredibly attracted to him. He's handsome, intelligent, intense, kind... and so hot. Seriously! Our relationship is absolutely professional. In fact, I sort of go out of my way to avoid him because I don't want to betray the fact that I am in lust with him. Plus, a teacher having a relationship with a student is a one-way ticket to unemployment.
The teacher orientation last year made that crystal-clear to all of us. The head of the ESL department stood up in front of all of us and said: "While I realize that many of our teachers are quite young and our students are adults I want to make this quite clear: ANY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A TEACHER AND A STUDENT WILL RESULT IN THE TEACHER'S EMPLOYMENT AT THIS INSTITUTION BEING TERMINATED!" Bam! Right. I get it.
Since that meeting there have been complications. First, Karim has just graduated from the university so he's no longer a student there. Second, I'm kinda having some difficulty pretending that this crush is going away. For one thing, Karim has been sending me strong signals that he wants a relationship with me. At first I thought it was wishful thinking on my part. The smiles, the eye contact... nah. Handsome guys do that to every girl regardless of whether they're attracted to the girl or not.
Two times during the semester Karim asked me if he could meet up with me after school at a cafe for "tutoring and English speaking practice." Both times I referred him to a colleague for tutoring instead... and Karim never called the guy for lessons.
During graduation I congratulated Karim and shook his hand. He immediately drew me into a hug for a rather long time. Whatever. Then, afterwards, I got an e-mail from Karim asking if I wanted to meet him for coffee. I said "Sorry, bit busy now. Would love to talk to you later if you want to! Let me know how post-school life is going for you or if you need any teacher recommendations." He said thank you. Then, just two days ago, I found this letter in my inbox:
"Hello Ms. Smith!" (Not my name, but you get the idea) "How are you? It's Karim. Life for me is going very well. I miss class and school though and I miss you. Can I ask you a question? I want to date you. Is that okay? Sorry about the bluntness, but I think you are very beautiful and a wonderful person. Maybe it is awkward for you. If so, I am very sorry. Would it be okay if we date? Maybe I can have your cell number? Please write me back. Yours very truly, Karim."
Wow!
So I'm not going to lie. I am flattered and elated that Karim skipped over a class of gorgeous college girls to ask me for a date. I want to date him so badly, BUT... this is weird. I just spent the last eight months teaching Karim, instructing him, correcting his homework, correcting his tests, being in a position of authority over him.... and now I'm going to be his girlfriend? The thought is so strange for me.
I've asked my friends for advice. All my guy friends say, "Yeah, go for it. Jump his bones." All my girl friends are more cautious. "How well do you know this guy? This might still do damage to your teaching career. The other teachers will talk even if he's not a student anymore." One girl said that Karim might just be playing me because he wants a greencard. I really hope that that's not the case....
So I'm torn. I desperately need advice. Suggestions?
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Comments (54)
wait, girls find indian guys attractive? even indian girls don't want to date them, i thought.
for the record, i hooked up with one of my students a couple months ago, while she was still my student. it was fine.
that being said, the difference is that i was only her tutor, not someone in a position of authority. and she was 32 (i'm 25). i also tutor for fun and have no potential career implications if something goes wrong. i don't date girls in related career fields though--it's one of my rules of dating. different reason from you, but with the same general implication (don't want to fuck up anything in your career's future, in case something goes bad). in case you're curious, my reason is that i like to have a large network of friends and contacts, but don't like to keep in touch with girls i've dated after we're done seeing each other. i can't afford to burn bridges with people in my field.
i think it's awesome that you go for younger guys, by the way. we should hang out sometime.
Reasons to date him: 1. You're both of legal age. 2. He is no longer your student. 3. Both of you are interested in doing so.
Reasons to NOT date him: 1. You seem to feel pretty uncomfortable with the idea. 2. Your job may be at risk. 3. You may have to deal with rude behavior from the other teachers because they do not find this type of relationship acceptable.
I cannot say for sure if you are willing to accept the circumstances if you do date him, but do so only if you feel good about doing this, and aren't jeopardizing your job and/or professional relationships as colleagues with the other teachers. Personally, I wouldn't date the former student based on the way you describe how the idea makes you feel.
If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it. I think you have to go with your gut feeling and not on the advice of what other people would do if they were you.
well, he's not your student anymore and graduated...it should not mess with your employment it seems. honestly, if it doesn'tmess up your career- then what's there to lose?
date him, if you have such a big crush on the guy, why not go for it?
I agree with your girl friends. Be cautious and think this through before you talk to Karim and give him a final answer. You do need to think about your career. Are you a teacher at a major school or a smaller school? Is it a conservative school where people talk or is it more of a liberal setting? If it's more liberal then maybe now that he's graduated, no one will care much. It may bring into question WHEN you started dating him so I would definitely recommend if you did start seeing him, do not keep it a secret because people will wonder when it all started and it could backfire on you. Whatever you choose, good luck.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Lol. Wow...
You're seriously going for an interception? Bold, man... bold.
I was an ESL teacher and the ladies wanted nothing more than to find a man to get them pregnant so they could stay in the country legally.
So watch out.If you need a man don't hunt them in your classroom. Because most likely you are the one being hunted.
You're not his teacher anymore so it should be okay, but check with your employer first. That's all you need to do. Then the usual dating stuff like getting to know him and what not of course! Safety first right.
dating doesn't equal a relationship. just saying, don't get your hopes up too high. go slow
I dated a man from Saudi Arabia for two years before his visa expired when he graduated. It was the most amazing relationship I have ever been it. He was the most genuine, loving, generous, gentle, and honest man I've ever met. I had my speculations about him and a green card, but it was never the case. He wanted me to go home to SA with him. You will never know unless you get to know him, honestly. I know the technicalities of the "relationship" are iffy. I was, of course, not in the same situation. I met him through my sister who went to school with him. From your perspective, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I would just let him know, if you decide to not date him, that for the sake of your employment, you need to keep your relationship strictly professional regardless of your feelings for him or vice versa.
He's not your student anymore, so it should be fine. The "I was in a position of authority" thing might feel weird at first, but once you get to know him outside of the context of the classroom, I'm sure you'll get along in a way where you're both on equal footing -- he'll get to see how you are outside of work, and you'll get to see how he is as a normal person outside of class. Hell, if the relationship works out, it'll just be one of those things you joke about in the future. Or if it doesn't work out, then at least you won't wonder.
One of the most influential teachers I had in college was married to someone who used to be his student. They'd been married for 15 years when I was in his class, and it seemed like one of the happiest, most supportive relationships ever. I probably would have respected him less if they dated while she was a student, but since she contacted him after she graduated, it just seemed like a cute story to me.
You aren't his teacher anymore, he isn't even a student of the school. Don't let the fact that you once were his teacher keep you from dating him, especially since there really isn't a huge age difference. As for the green card thing, I don't know, don't marry him after the first date?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Haha, I always get that response when I tell people I have a thing for Indian guys. Though I prefer Indian American guys, than India-born Indians based on my experiences.
Do it. My girlfriend of over a year and half was one of my students. I have had 3 (this being the third) long term relationships with past students. Once they have graduated it is fair game and nothing is weird, unless YOU make it weird.
firstly, I think you are getting ahead of yourself. You are just dating him it may not turn out t be a relationship. Both or either one of you might fnd qualities of one other that doesn't seem as prusuable as you thought. Also, the green card remark, which can be true also means you'd have to marry him which would mean you are getting ahead of yourself. Also, maybe it is lust and just passion speaking, what if he just wants to fuck? Sorry, had to be blunt and get the negative aspects aside.
After all of that aside, I think you should go for it. Just take it one step at a time to get to know him and date him. Maybe he is a prospective boyfriend that takes hanging out with him to determine that. Also, do it because you want to not because right now , as you stated, you feel uncomfortable.Do it!! It'll be fun
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Men from every racial group can be hot. Don't be silly.
I say go for it. But don't tell people he was your former student. Whether he just wants a green card or not, you don't know that right now either way! Try it out... see how it goes. And, IMO, you might want to re-evaluate whether you should be a teacher because I know a lot of teachers and they find it impossible to look at their students that way. Just think about it. Make sure this is some one time thing and not something where being the teacher is somehow sexually enticing to you. Good luck!
Since this is ESL, it's not like he was getting a degree out of you or something, just saying... it's a tad different.
That's sexy, do it! It could end up being just a few dates and realizing it was just a physical attraction, but what if it were more? Don't miss out, he's not your student anymore!
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - hahaha. hey man. i'm just going by what i see! (and am told by people, too)
@Digital_Angel21@xanga - i don't think you count if you have a fetish :p
Be careful. Never know if he's after a Greencard.
Since teachers and other faculty members won't know the whole story, it could be risky because they might assume that you were dating this student while you were still teaching him. I mean, I understand that you like the guy, but given these circumstances, would you honestly want to risk your reputation and your job for him? I guess these are one of the biggest cons of being a teacher, but it's your life and if you can handle the upcoming problems that may arise from dating him, then go for it. I'm all for true love and happiness. Good luck!