Tuesday, 24 July 2012
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Marinating in Heartbreak: When is Enough Enough?
Heartbroken?
There’s a tightrope-thin line between acknowledging, ventilating, & honoring your pain and indulging/clinging to emotions that render you paralyzed.
If you're the repressive type, purgation is *precisely* what you need. By all means -- GET. IT. OUT. Enter the fire. Feel it all the way. GO THERE.But if you're anything like me (chronically expressive with a sometimes-supersize-side-of-masochism)... if you tend towards not only GOING THERE, but also STAYING THERE, and GETTING LOST THERE... then eventually, distracting and diverting may be a whole lot healthier than lying around, marinating in heartbreak.
Sometimes, a hardy cry is the -only- antidote for the bruised n' weathered spirit. But if your tears are no longer serving as a vehicle for catharsis, if they're heightening and intensifying your raw sadness, as opposed to enabling you to release it, I lovingly implore you to take a step back. Perhaps your pain has become habitual. Perhaps you've gotten stuck in a toxic, truly counterproductive cycle.
As my good friend, Lisa once said (regarding her four-year-old daughter), “Sometimes, crying only leads to more crying.” And truly, we're all just big four-year-olds: hungry for comfort, hungry for love, frightened, frustrated, & bewildered when life doesn't go our way.Everyone's recovery-timeline is different. Grieve. Let it out. Talk to your mother, your sister, your therapist, your friends. Journal. Scream into a pillow. Spend the day in your pajamas. Watch Titanic, The Notebook, Blue Valentine. Eat an extra bag of peanut butter M&Ms. (I've done all of the above...) But be firm with yourself: learn when (and how) to walk away from the temptation to cradle your misery.
Think of your hurt as a baby bird -- initially, it needs to be nurtured, incubated, coddled, cozied up to. But if you don't kick that little guy out of the nest in due time, you're going to find yourself with a major, major dilemma on your hands. The question is: what constitutes 'due time'? When does pain become self-pity?
Self-pity is a wolf in sheep's clothing. It looks soft and fuzzy, but its fangs and claws will F#%*. YOU. UP. It postures as an ally. Believe me, it's not.Big, fat *DISCLAIMER*: I'm no keep-on-the-sunny-side Polyanna. I'm of the firm belief that if you've recently undergone a heartbreak, you have *EVERY* right to feel like a living, breathing disaster. That said, remember — alone as you feel, you’re anything but. Heartbreak begets grief. Grief makes us human. And so, I welcome you to humanity, comrade. You’ve joined the ranks of millions of people who fought the good fight, put their soft, malleable hearts on the line, and tragically — yes, tragically — lost everything they so bravely dared to risk.
It sucks. It hurts like hell. I know it does. I really, genuinely do.
And so, when you've plunged down a rabbit hole so deep, you have no idea how you're going to make it back up... when you feel alienated from everyone and everything in your life... when you begin to doubt love, G-d, basic, human goodness, the people (or person) you once considered your salvation, your future, your instincts, your SELF... when you suspect that no one on this Earth has ever suffered quite as much as you're suffering right now... please bear in mind that human beings have experienced this particular breed of heartbreak, among many others, millennia before you even took your first breath. Pain is a deep, visceral experience — you don’t have to feel it as emptiness. Pain is universal — you don’t have to feel it as isolation.My point, beautiful ones: You're absolutely, positively entitled to your pain.
That said, you're *equally* entitled to release it.
No matter what, you don't deserve to hurt this much for this long.
You're entitled to feel alive again.
You're entitled to pleasure.
You're entitled to happiness.
It's your birthright to love and be loved.As a very wise person once said to me, “Things you can’t even imagine are already moving towards you. You just have to show up and be present to recognize them.”
Hold out. Hold on. Be brave, and show up for yourself in your own life.
Don't shut your eyes so tight that you miss the beauty all around you. And believe me -- there's a hell of a lot of beauty to be seen.How have you coped with past heartbreaks? When (and how) do you draw the line and say that enough is [more than] enough?
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About the Author
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- From: Jeanette
- Name: Jeanette
- Location: Long Island, New York, United States
- About Me: I'm fascinated by human behavior! How we -- as human beings and members of this society -- relate to one another in sex and love is particularly interesting to me.
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Comments (18)
"It's your birthright to love and be loved. "
It is not your birthright to love and be loved. It is your choice to love, and any love that comes your way should be seen as a gift, not a birthright. It's this kind of "I NEED TO BE LOVED HURRR DURRR" mentality that gets people into this rut in the first place; they're psychologically conditioning themselves to feel inadequate just because they don't have it in their lives.
The best way to cope with past heartbreaks is to reconnect with your friends, spend some time rediscovering old hobbies and developing new ones, investing more time in your studies and work, and exercising more. And give it time; everyone has their own timeframe when it comes to getting over heartbreak, so no need to rush it.
Thank you for such a beautiful piece on breakup, which is posted at an absolutely perfect time in my life. I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I find myself completely in tears all the time. I really need this. Thank you so much. It's a lot more comforting to learn that pain is universal and that everyone who is human would have to go through pain at a certain point in their life. That's very encouraging. I'll take my time to grieve and cry my heart out. But I also know that time will heal my wound.
on my last break up, i literally cried for 2 weeks straight. i didn't eat or sleep too even though i wanted to sleep so badly bc i was emotionally exhausted from crying so much. i kept it all inside bc i didn't know what to say to be people and i didn't know how i would react to others. it took me a good 4 months to really get over being sad and realizing that i needed to move on. 2 years later, what i thought i would never survive through, i'm here and well and so over him and not a bit sad anymore. i learned so much about myself and what i'm really looking for. not everyone is going to cope the same, i say just pace yourself until you're ready to move on and get over the pain.
I was crying over a heartbreak until I found out that he had cheated on me during the last year of our four year relationship, continued to actually be in a relationship, told me we would get back together once school ended, and continued to visit me and go on vacations with me. He was my first love so I was a little reckless by having him come out to see me and going on a vacation with him. I just found out that he had been cheating on me with someone else and then that girl with me a few weeks ago. Since then I have written him out of my life because I realize there are no chances of us getting back together. I feel bad for the other girl because she knows what happened and wants to stay with him and her and I have even talked about the situation and she doesn't care. I guess it would have been different if we just broke up and that was that, but since he cheated on me I know he neither deserves my love or respect and my self esteem is not low enough at all to chase someone like that or be with someone like that. Heartbreak sucks, but I think the best medicine is realizing how awesome you are.
Physical damage is what we evolve to overcome, not physical pain. Physical pain exists as an early indication that something is wrong.
Likewise, emotional damage is what we evolve to overcome, not emotional pain. Emotional pain exists as an early indication that something is wrong.
THIS is what happens when people consciously decide to overlook warning signs, the whole purpose of which is to protect them from themselves, NOT to annoy them.
Trust me, you will not die or go insane from marinating in emotional pain that you did not deliberately put yourself through. That is called persistence, and the result is strength.
Enough is enough only when it is enough... not when you arbitrarily think it is enough, nor when you make a conscious decision to outwardly prove to yourself it is enough. In fact, even if you took a poll asking for everyone's opinion in the world and reached a unanimous consensus, enough still isn't enough (see "self-fulfilling prophecy").
To put it simply, if you have to ask, it isn't enough.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I absolutely see your point and agree with a lot of what you said. I suppose I'm referring to emotional pain that you ARE deliberately putting yourself through. For example, I certainly didn't need to sit around looking at Facebook photos of my ex and his new girlfriend for six months on end when I knew full well that every time I did it, it would hurt me... The underlying sting won't go away until we're absolutely, positively ready; that happens in its own time. There's so rushing that process. But we can choose not to rub salt in our own wounds. Do you see what I mean?
It's not your "right" in life to love and be loved. If you fall in love with someone who loves you back, you're extremely lucky, but if not, you can still have a great life without it. Love isn't the be-all and end-all of the world.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - I'm not referring ONLY to romantic love. I meant that it's our right in this lifetime to give and receive love of every kind -- including, but certainly not limited to romantic love. I'm talking about love for our families, our friends, nature, our passions, our lives, our SELVES (especially when we find ourselves in serious distress -- that's when we need to practice self-love MOST). I'm talking about having compassion for ourselves -- about sharing/exchanging love every day, whether or not we're in romantic relationships...
@Jeanette - Here's the thing... check out these top 4 web definitions of "compassion":
1. "Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others"
2. "A deep awareness of and sympathy for another's suffering"
3. "The humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it"
4. (Merriam-Webster) "Sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it"
If you truly believe we have a "right in this lifetime to give and receive love of every kind", then why is it at all important (or even necessary for that matter) to have "compassion for ourselves"?
The exception proves the rule.
"Pain is universal — you don’t have to feel it as isolation."
Many, many more people do have to feel it as isolation than it would appear by the inherent nature of isolation. Which is to say, those who are forced to feel isolated generally can't share how they feel, so you never know it happens.
"human beings have experienced this particular breed of heartbreak, among many others, millennia..."
I don't mean to offend or insult, but I feel that posts like this one aren't empowering the audience you'd hope they would... because the most deserving of cases already know this, and feel they can't talk about it... and they CAN'T, because people say things like the above quote that they already know.
Tell me, if we all have the "right in this lifetime to give and receive love of every kind", what DO you say to someone when you absolutely NEED them and they say "no you don't"?
Trust me, just because we all feel pain, there are always cases that are beyond our comprehension.
You're willing to say we all have the right, but would you actually be in a romantic relationship with someone else if you didn't love them, but they told you they truly NEED you?
And by the way, I already know the answer, which is that there is no black or white, "yes" or "no".
It is your personal choice and I'm sure I overlook things as well. From one person to another, I wouldn't be saying any of this if I didn't believe you have the same capacity for love and understanding, but haven't experienced the worst of it.
(and don't go getting an inflated ego on me, this isn't a desperate plea for your love, though the wording might be confusing
)
I'm saying that just because love can be gotten from other sources, in no way does that suggest any individual has the right to it, and in reality, assuming the "right" to be loved often detracts from the love individuals deserve.
Cry, write, sleep, music, do activities (anything to get myself moving) is how i cope. There's no time limit on how long someone chooses to feel like that however when they start to see that they can't seem to live their normal life that's when they should wake up and pull themselves out of that depressing cycle.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - You are a man's man.
@nyclegodesi24@xanga - Yay! *dances around and giggles* weeeee
I don't think the author is wrong to say that we have a god given right to be loved. Jason Mraz agrees completely with that statement, and if he says it is so then who am I to question it? lol
But really, humans do NEED love to THRIVE. And there are a lot of women out there that have in fact chosen someone because that person loved them, even when they didn't love them back. People settle for all sorts of reasons. I do think that as a human being on this earth I deserve love and I have an inherent right to be loved by someone or something in my life, be it a lover, a friend, or a God.
Then there's those of us who are haunted in our sleep with nightmares about WHY we're heartbroken in the first place, which causes us to become depressed... and then obsess about the situation and the feeling of misery and the desire to get revenge.
If there were a pill to just get up and over it, or forget, I'd take it.
If shock therapy worked to end that, I'd sign up.
It honestly just goes away for me with time. I like to challenge myself in extreme matters and don't necessarily cut ties with them because I'd like to get over them while they're there instead of thinking I am over somebody while they're not around and the next thing you know, they show up and the feelings all come flooding back. I express and purge everything out by myself, try to get the closure that I need whether it be from the person or I search for it within myself and the situation (since most people are pretty much pussies when it comes to telling the truth) and I isolate myself when I need to. I never ever burden other people with my problems. When I'm with my friends, I do my best to have a great time instead of just faking smiles and shit. I never ever want to take a year or even longer to get better.
thank you for writing this =D
@tfly - Cheers. :)
@chocolatevodka@xanga - you're oh so welcome! :)