Tuesday, 24 July 2012
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Marry Me or Break Up with Me?
I'm a 30-year-old divorced single mom with one kid. I've been with a guy (one year younger and has never married) for almost 2 years now. We have occasional fights here and there but in general we enjoy being with each other and I believe he's made my life a much better place with lots of laughter and amazing sex.
Early on in the relationship, we had both agreed never to get married. Neither of us believe in marriage. For me, it's quite obvious since divorce is a scary thing. For him, he was betrayed by his last girlfriend of three and a half years. He reasoned that since breaking up with her, he no longer believed in true love, marriage, etc.However, as time goes by, my feelings for him grow stronger each day and I can't imagine my life without him. Yesterday, during a conversation, I suddenly thought of a hypothetical question, just to test the depth of his feelings for me. I asked him, "If I gave you only two choices, marry me or break up with me, what would you do?" I also explained it's just for fun because I'm truly not ready for marriage at this stage of my life.
To my surprise, he answered without any hesitation that, "You knew beforehand my principle of never getting married, so if you gave me those options, I'd break up with you." I was, of course, devastated. I thought with time his feelings for me would grow and he would do whatever it takes to be with me just like I would do the same with him. I didn't think he'd give up on me that easily. However, I was proven wrong... very wrong.
I couldn't imagine how he'd be able to say such a cruel thing to me straight away. He could have said, "I don't know" or "I need time to think. I can't answer you now." That wouldn't be ideal but still better then his actual answer.What he said crushed my heart terribly. All those wonderful memories we have don't seem to mean anything to him. I'm now considering breaking up with him. It's just hard to go on with someone who doesn't love you. Even if he still treats me nicely like he always does, I'm sure things will never be the same after this, at least on my side. Last night after going home, I texted him saying, "Let's stop talking for a while. I need some time by myself to think and re-evaluate the relationship." I don't want to make a hasty decision.
Should I break up with him or not? Or is this the price I have to pay for being stupid enough to still believe in true love? It's a very hard decision for me because my life has been so much better since he came along. I can't imagine how I can go on without him. But his words truly break my heart.
A side note for those who may be concerned about my kid, she won't be affected at all by the breakup as I live with my parents and they don't allow me to introduce him to my daughter until we consider marriage as they fear our relationship won't last. Thank God they are so right about this, or else my child will be hurt too.
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- From: yeuchip
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Comments (54)
Here, see this: LINK
lol. be careful what you wish for? i really don't know what you want us to say...
this kind of reminds me of one of my friends. she dates guys, then repeatedly will do stupid shit like say "okay well we're broken up then" just to see if they'll come chasing her. she's been doing this since she was like...19, and at age 25, she still hasn't learned that "testing" people (at least, guys) is an incredibly dumb thing to do. i don't think a single guy has put up with her crap.
hahaha she even sent a dude a text once saying she was in the hospital, just to see if he would call. he didn't.
So, were you not serious about not wanting to be married again? You shouldn't ask someone a question, then blow it off by thinking "oh well, that's not really how they feel, they'll change their mind" and then get upset when they don't... If you're devastated, it was not a hypothetical question.
I'm going to be honest because you desperately need honest.
You are nothing but a fuck buddy to your present man.And your previous husband discovered that you are stupid. That's why he left you.
You have a choice:
1. Cure the stupidity so you can begin living a happy life.
2. Stay stupid and end up a lonely, used up old hag.
Your hypothetical "question" sounds an awful lot like a hypothetical "ultimatum". Sorry if he gave you the answer you didn't want to hear, but with only those two options, it's bound to freak a guy out & elicit that type of response.
Have you asked him why he never wants to get married? It's possible that his response might come from another place other than "he doesn't really love me".
you may interpret his answer as him not loving you but if that really that case? he's only holding to his principle but it doesn't necessarily mean he feels less for you. you both mentioned in the beginning that you both don't believe in marriage, with became a big factor to how things are now. so by you asking your question on leads to your disappointment, you only have yourself to blame
on another note, you probably feel love is something that touches on an emotional level, as you are currently filled with emotion concerning your relationship with your guy, but think about love on different levels rather than just emotionally, maybe your guy's love for you isn't emotion like yours is for him, but maybe his love for you is something different, before considering breaking up with him, if you REALLY want to test his love you, test his love for you on different levels. if he fails you at all those other levels, then you can consider breaking up
. . .
wat
You both agreed you'd never get married....and now you're hurt that he doesn't want to get married and he was honest when you asked him a question you already knew the answer to?? give it up. You know now that you DO want to get married so go find someone who you can introduce into your childs life and you can marry and live happily ever after with :)
There are so many unknown variables in your description that I can't really give you good, personal advice specific to your situation.
For example: If he doesn't want to get married because he fears things will change between you two or if it is that he wants to keep his options open, it really depends on the specifics.
I'm leaning toward what @youthinasia613@xanga said though.
It's important to consider both your beliefs AND how you've behaved in the past, as well as how you're currently reacting. Your words suggested that you wanted to hypothetically know whether or not he would get married but your actions tell a whole different story.
"Or is this the price I have to pay for being stupid enough to still believe in true love?"
I've said this many times in different variations:
DO NOT test a person's love. Either you believe in true love or you don't. Otherwise, it's like seeing how long you can hold a flame under your palm "before" you get burned so you can avoid being burned... the problem is you are requiring yourself to be burned in order to know for certain.
If you want to know for certain whether an idea will work, you can't expect to not come across a few ways that certainly will not work in the process.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Wow... we actually have a similar opinion on something.
This is sad.
I think you should give up this relationship before you waste more time. You will always live in regret for not moving on.
A guy who truly loves you will look forward to marrying you even if he had experienced a divorce. Marriage is a blessing.
I'm gonna try saying the same things others have said in a nicer way. I think you could've said what you were thinking way more tactfully. Instead of giving an ultimatum, you could've said: "I'm re-evaluating my decision of never getting married again. My feelings since then have changed and I think I would like to possibly get married again one day. Is that something you're open to? I think this is something important we should discuss." Go from there.
You definitely could've pissed your guy off when you gave him an ultimatum telling him it's either all the way or no way. You also put him on the spot and even though it was hypothetical, it IS coming from somewhere. He has to know that. I think there's time to salvage the damage that's been done. I would go to him and tell him that you made a bad judgment call in how you worded what you said to him and that you'd like to have another conversation. If he shuts you down before you can start again...then yeah, he's an ass who doesn't want to be with you long term. If he lets you talk it out, it's worth fighting for. Again, no ultimatums. I would've given the same answer and I'm a woman who's supposed to be mushy gushy and lovey by society's standards. I don't like being put on the spot and told I have to make a decision right there and then. I can't imagine he liked it either.
Try again and treat him how you'd want to be treated. Not like in an idealistic movie but as you'd want to be treated in real life. Let us know how it goes and follow up. :)
Good thing this came to light before he spent any more of your time. This is a great opportunity to cut your losses and move on. And never again hope to change the mind of a man who has stated that he doesn't want to get married.
if his feelings changed and grew over time, then he'd let you know that on his own. giving him an ultimatum in the disguise of a fake "fun" hypothetical tester question will only make him resent you, and you resent him because you took the question seriously because he didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. if he said that he'd marry you, then you'd probably still have something to say that he doesn't keep his word of never marrying, so you wouldn't want to marry someone, who breaks promises of being against marriage. it is a catch-22 scenario that'll just spiral into more drama that you started:D
Umm.. are you a fiction writer? Two months ago, you talked about having a bf of 6 months.. and now you are 2 years with your bf? Also they sound like two different guys (his last relationship was 2 yrs, now 3 1/2 yrs??) Are you seeing two different guys at the same time?!
I think you're an idiot, and a common example of a lot women, unfortunately. You both entered the relationship and agreed on set and clear terms. Then, you SET YOURSELF UP to be hurt by asking him that question. You're 30, you should have been able to have an open discussion with him about your changing opinions on marriage, instead of playing an "either/or" passive aggressive game. He could potentially be open to marriage after you discuss it. But springing a question like that in such a juvenile way...I'm not at all surprised with his answer, and frankly I'm proud of him for sticking to his guns while being cornered. It probably wasn't an easy thing for him to say, but at least he answered you honestly.
WHY does "true love" only exist within the realm of marriage for you? You seriously think that because he will not be pressured into doing something you knew he didn't want to do, that suddenly your whole history and life together is negated? You've given in to the falsehood of tradition.
i won't introduce anyone to my family unless i'm serious about them bc in the past, it not only hurt me but my family too. i don't really know what to say but if you're not ready then you're not ready and if he loves you enough, he should understand.
You shouldn't ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to.
@SweetNGuilty@xanga - The last post was about ex husband. That's what happened 6 years ago. But I didn't know Datingish by then. So I posted in here to gain some insight into what was going on with that relationship. I dated him for one year, got married and divorced after one year. The reason of our divorce partly explained why he was being so secretive about his past. But I still don't have an exact answer until this very day. So I post it up here for you guys to help me out.
While making it an ultimatum wasn't wise, I'd be worried about the guy. As much as one can be against marriage, if they aren't even willing to give it a consideration after a year of dating and just outright say no, that's not good. Views can change after all.
When you ask manipulative little questions like that, you deserve the answer you got. You did this to yourself and I actually feel bad for the guy since you're playing some very childish games.
30 and playing games? Wow. Sad. I won't tolerate an ultimatum, either. I love my husband with all of my heart but I will not be manipulated. Oh, you live with your parents and let them make your rules.... What the hell.
read why men marry bitches.
Uh, why did you expect him to change his mind? He's honest. You're the one who's changed their opinion. You can't get upset because he hasn't changed his.