Monday, 23 July 2012
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His Pickiness Is Making Me Insecure?
This post was submitted anonymously.
The guy I've been seeing for a month and a half is brilliant and drop-dead gorgeous. He constantly says he's picky and IS extremely picky about the girls he has dated. I have to admit, I think I'm pretty and smart.
However, him constantly mentioning it is making me unsure of my confidence. Is he saying he thinks I am measuring up to his standards? Is it a backwards compliment?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Comments (19)
This is something you need to discuss with him. Maybe he didn't mean it the way it sounds. I don't know this guy, but if he made me feel insecure and remarked that he thinks I meet his standards. It's like he is waiting to find a flaw with you or something. Everyone should have standards and everyone has preference, but when you enter a relationship with someone, either you decide whether or not you can live with the things you perceive as flaws. You don't change your standards and look for ways in which your SO is not the right one.
You shouldn't care about what his judgements of you are. From my experiences a lot of people say they're picky but really are not. Just go with the flow and don't worry so much otherwise you'd really seem insecure and that's unattractive to anyone. If he's going to break up with you he'll do it, regardless of how much you fret. So you might as well don't.
On a side note, this guy sounds haughty. It sounds like he's almost bragging that he's picky about girls. What's to brag about that? I mean everyone can judge, but not everyone can accept.
From the point of view of a single male, I find this to be funny/silly at first glance... alas, when no one is looking, I silently take long walks in others' shoes.
If I were in your situation, this would bother me a lot more than it probably would most others for one small reason, and it is this:
"Standards" aren't just something a person gains when they reach a certain age, nor are they a gift received from graduating "Standards School".
No...
"Standards" are a mental tool (or tools) that are accumulated through experience and are kept in place for the sole purpose of finding a (or multiple) partner(s).
You said you have "been seeing" him, and I understand that can mean many different things, but if he is currently choosing to be in an exclusive relationship with you... and I don't mean you as an individual, I mean you as the individual he is choosing to be in a relationship with, I see absolutely no reason for him to bring up what he is hypothetically, for all intents and purposes, still looking for.
It's one thing being a hunter out in the wild and having the tools you need close by... it's another thing entirely to bring a loaded gun to the dinner table.
Definitely have a talk with him about it because 1) what I said above^ and 2) it clearly has you questioning yourself when you would be totally justified in questioning him.
that's his backhanded compliment way of saying that you should be honored/lucky that he chose you because he is extremely picky. he wants you to stroke his ego by confirming and saying out loud about how you're the luckiest girl in the entire world to have such a "brilliant and drop dead gorgeous" guy
I could be wrong but I doubt it
Possibility 1: He's telling you that you should feel very lucky and worship him if you haven't yet. Or worship him more than the other girls, so it's easier to pick you.
Possibility 2: He's trying to tell you that you are not gf-material to him, but you shouldn't be too hurt because he's just very picky. (It's not you, it's him.)
In first case, he isn't a great guy after all. In second case, it's still not great for you. But that's just my opinion. Just ask him why he's always bringing it up and what he wants to really tell you with that.
Dump that asshole! If he's so damned perfect and brilliant then he should know better than to be a controlling bastard! You're attractive and brilliant enough to find someone who has better manners and isn't channeling his inner dictator!
@wing_stock@xanga - That's exactly what he's doing.
Ask him in a way that doesn't make you feel bad.
I'd laugh and be like, "I hope that's a compliment!"
@beesuze@xanga - Though I agree with the emotion behind your comment, I disagree with the conclusions you've drawn.
Being one half of an indefinitely sustainable romantic relationship and individual autonomy are mutually exclusive qualities.
You can observe any celestial body, and once you've done that, to give you some context through contrast and a Hell of a lot of insight into the human condition, ask any automobile driver what is eventually guaranteed to happen should even one person neglect or deny their personal responsibility even to total strangers.
What makes such conclusions especially inciting is that truly successful romantic relationships in modern times are already fighting against overwhelming odds. Whether it has been realized in the past or not, synchronous mutual control has always been an element.
"You're attractive and brilliant enough to find someone who has better manners and isn't channeling his inner dictator!"
That in itself, whether done deliberately and/or for ends that are exclusively for one's own benefit or not, would be a direct and blatant attempt to control his behavior.
Make no mistake; He is as entitled to her as she is to someone "better" than him.
You can put out an oil fire with explosives, but fighting a gasoline fire with more gasoline is just... played out.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - That is incredibly paradoxical. I can't imagine a better reaction. O.o
If you bring it up to him, he may think you insecure. But f*ck it! You need some sense of worth around him apparently so ask him wtf. Has he complimented you??? When he repeats this over again say something like, "well, I must be pretty damn amazing since we are together then cuz I don't date just anybody, myself."Throw it back at him. Cuz he needs to get over his past catches.
Hmm. I don't know if that would make me feel bad, but if he continued to say it I would probably be curious. I'd lightly say, "why do you keep saying that to me?" in a non-confrontational way.
I guess that would be the same thing as dating someone who says "I only date gorgeous blondes" They may not be giving you a direct compliment, but if they're still with you, the only thing you can figure is that they think you're gorgeous and blonde.
Is it important what he is saying or meaning with it?
It is not “more” important to you the way it makes “you” feel?
Should you not feel as if you are in “the seventh heaven” with a man you love, instead of wondering what he is meaning?
If you ask me, I think there is only one even more insecure then you are, and that is him.
I think that a guy must make you feel gorgeous, pretty and competent. If he is not doing that, then I think you must consider very carefully if this is the right guy for you!
I wish you all the best, but most of all “the wisdom to make yourself happy”. Because when you are not happy, you will certainly not be able to make others happy!
Best Wishes, Daphne Dench
That really depends on what exactly & how he's dropping his hints of pickiness towards you. For example: if you pick up an apple to eat & he goes "Yeah, this other girl I dated, hated apples..I have to admit that apples don't really taste that good either." He's allowing his pickiness on something really mundane to seep out onto you, to change or alter YOUR behaviors or tastes. Which isn't cool. But if he's saying things like: "So, as you know, I am really picky, I take great pride in who I date.." That's a compliment, that's him saying you made the cut, since he's dating you.
However, it sounds like him harping all the time on how picky he is, is wearing you down. I understand that, it's hard when someone is constantly measuring you up to an ex, or saying "How picky they are" but not really giving you anything else to go on, just that their picky. That does cause a lot of undue stress & anxiety in a relationship, because in the back of your mind you have the "Buts" or you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, My advice would be to have a talk with him. Sit him down, get comfortable & say something like "Look, you know I think you're incredible, I am so lucky to be able to date a guy like you, we have a lot in common etc. however, you always refer to the fact of how picky you are with the girls you date..& I just want to clear the air here with that. When you say that..are you hinting at me in a negative way? Positive way? Or do you just blurt it out & it doesn't really mean anything? I ask this because over the course of being with you, this habit of telling me how picky you are..has me confused & it's getting to the point where I am insecure. I want a healthy, long relationship with you but in order to do so, I felt this needed to be addressed."
If he's as brilliant as you say, he'll understand where you're coming from & he'll explain his side. You may not like what you hear or you may love it. Point is, it sounds like despite how he says he's picky - it needs to be talked out with him.
Best of luck
If he was really that extremely picky, the fact that he's dating you should tell you that you're well and beyond his expectations.
It's silly, my boyfriend always tells me the same even though everyone else thinks I'm already out of his league. I guess some guys (that have quite a bit of growing up to do) like to hide behind their selectiveness in relationships. If you really want to be with him (like, for serious), be confidant with your true, smart, beautiful self and if he finds that too much to handle, he's not the right guy for you!
Bottom line is: don't ever change yourself for anyone, a good relationship is supposed to help you grow, not force you to be someone else!
You have two choices.. 1. Tell him what you just told us or 2. move on to someone else. Doesn't matter if he's dropdead gorgeous.. His personality will make him attractive or not attractive to you.
Be honest and if it doesn't change..move on to someone else.
It would be miserable to hear that all the time.
if he's making you feel like you have to impress him then you need a new man. -_- he sounds like a douche.
God, he sounds like a very cocky and arrogant guy. I see it as "I'm picky, so you should feel lucky that I'm seeing you".
But then again, I'd prefer dating a guy who is a little picky because it meant that he has standards and he's not just dating anyone just to date, and that he is looking for the right person to date. Depends on what he means by being picky I guess, I hope it's not just the shallow-sort of picky.
Welcome to a mind game .... congrats you're losing. This guy is playing a game with you plain and simple.