I was seventeen, he was twenty-eight. That entire year had been a roller coaster that wouldn't stop. But, if I could, I would've jumped off if I wasn't so tightly fastened. He was my distraction. My way of coping with the unknown, all while trying to get through my final year of high school. Almost eight years have passed and I still can't believe I turned to a man with kids.
It was unexpected. He was everything I wasn't looking for, but I welcomed him with open arms. It might've been my state of mind that affected my decision making, who knows.
Upon our first introduction, I didn't know much about what he had at home. We weren't that deep into our "getting to know you" phase. The phone calls were frequent. The dates were just as often. There were times when I'd even abandon my studies to take a ride from Brooklyn to the Bronx. I was THAT blind sided. Then, he dropped the bombshell. Not only did he have one child, but two. Raising them on his own.
I don't know what I expected. I was seventeen, this was a grown man. His life was sure to be more progressed than my own. But, even at a young age, I always said I'd never date a guy with kids. For me, all I saw was baggage and added responsibility. Having to not only think of you and he, but his children as well. Not in the sense of a mother figure, but of not being the one to hinder their parental relationship. It was something I was careful to stay away from, until then.
After his revelation, we continued to see each other. Though, I stayed clear of meeting his kids. We weren't at that stage. Yet, I cared that he didn't make that an option. But things didn't last, for reasons other than the obvious.
Now, in my mid-twenties, I carry the same expectations, but am sure to be more lenient on a few things. Lets be real, if you find a man you like and have a connection with, a child would probably be the last thing you think about. Nowadays, that's usually the package deal anyway. Though, I still have a few friends that won't accept that and now that I'm grown, I question why.
Is a man with a child really a deal breaker? Even for the purpose of dating or pursuing a serious relationship. Why or why not?
Recommend
Comments (18)
Haha who calls kids baggage? They're hillarious and fun to play with! I want some for sure! It's okay if they're not mine.
For me, it would depend on the situation. I don't believe the child is always the baggage. Sometimes its about who the child other parent is but it is and always will be a tricky topic.
At my age, I feel like it is a lot of baggage. I love kids, but I really don't want them to turn into my own. I'm only 19 years old and there's a lot I want to do before I have children. It just would be a hassle and not fulfilling for me at this point. I don't mean to come off as selfish, but I don't need it right now.
@newportbreeze@xanga - It's not selfish at all. At seventeen, that's exactly how I felt. Worrying about yourself is priority. But at my age now, it's almost expected. Though I would prefer a man with none, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
Why was a 28 year old man pursuing a 17 year old? Something is not right there, besides the underage thing, at that stage in life the maturity levels are way off.
@xsimplepleasuresx@xanga - It was a mutual thing. Maturity was admittedly off, but far from not knowing what was being done.
it depends. I'd prefer if his kids are almost grown up or he doesn't have to babysit them anymore, preferably dorming at college or already graduated and independent, so they don't rely on him that much anymore and don't interrupt our dates. I like men in their late 30's to 40's so if some of them have teen kids, then I don't care. I don't really want to date a guy with a newborn, toddler or tween. I can't stand most kids. I'm in my 20's and having kids whether they are my own or his, is not something that I want. I already have alot of stress in my life and don't want more.
At my age right now, yes it is a deal breaker, but into the future no - unless his kids hate me. Now a lot of people would probably think it should be worth it to try and win the kids over and yes I agree, but personally I wouldn't want to cause tension between the child and his father and strain their relationship.
Nahh, it's not really a dealbreaker for me but I can totally see why it might be for someone else. What's funny is that on okcupid, they ask you, "Would you be ok with someone bringing their kids on a first date?" & a lot of people actually answer yes! I love kids as much as the next girl, but to bring them on the first date? Not only is that rude but it shows you're an irresponsible parent because you introduce your kids to every date right off the bat, which has been proven to really mess a child up.
one of my closest friends is a single dad.. his daughter was born when he was 19 and the birthmom walked out on him and his babygirl. He has only dated 2 girls since then.. one he fell in love with and married and she ended up being psychotic (to the point where she ended up in prison and he was given custody of her son so he wouldn't have to go through the foster system). He caught her slapping his daughter across the face he sent her to a hotel for the weekend, and he had their marriage annulled 2 days later.
His daughter (my goddaughter) is now 14 and threatening to send in a video to The Bachelor and tell them they need to do a Canadian version.... im about 99% sure she is going to follow through.
He is a wonderful guy and one heck of a dad.. if anyone woman would think his kids are a deal breaker or baggage then they don't deserve to be with him!
Right now, I couldn't handle being with a man with a child. I'm not mature enough to handle always coming second to his kid, but I probably wouldn't think highly of him if he blew off his kids for me. He couldn't win. In general, I think it depends on how old you are and how old the children are. If they the child or children are young, it is a much bigger deal. And you someone needs to be mature enough (which comes with age) to handle being a possible role model and/or parental figure. Teenagers, though, sometimes you can never win over. Then you have to be able to handle his kid disliking you. Teenagers can be tricky.
@xsimplepleasuresx@xanga - Exactly what I was thinking!
I'm dating a man with a child. He's been a good friend of mine before the divorce so I go to know the kid years before our relationship developed. It's a lot to handle, even at our age. We are both turning 30 soon but it's still something that scares me from time to time. But it doesn't change our relationship. I gave it a lot of thought before we let the relationship happen and I think if you think the relationship is worth it, you will go through all the hassle and headache willingly. For me, it's not a big deal because I knew what I was getting myself into. And plus the kid is a really good kid so we get along just fine.
It's a tough thing to walk into...but so is any relationship. It's just not one to be taken lightly at all.
Meh, I wouldn't know if he's just dating me for the fact that I'm that much younger ... it just depends on whether or not you want to invest your time in learning to trust someone who's got kids..
i think it would depend on whether the relationship is serious or not...
I married a man 10 yrs older than me who had two small children 34 years ago. My girlfriends all warned me against it, but I stuck through it all. Not easy. Not always rewarding. Now his children are 42 and nearly 40 with growing kids of their own.
The experience was undeniably difficult. I don't know if I could do it again..being second rate because they already had a mother. I was kind to them and their mother. The oldest son even lived with us for 5 years once he turned 16.
I still am not sure if I'd do it all over again. It was very, very tough. I always came last. ..behind his kids and his parents. Dead last.
Now, his parents are gone and his kids are grown, so he's finally putting me higher than ever before.
I had to wait a looooong time for this status, though. I'm not sure I'd do it again.
Christy
I'm 22, a guy with kids is a deal breaker to me. To me, the decision, or the unplanned decision to have kids, but the two people are not together now, makes me question if I want a kid/future with this person. But I'm really just at the age where I want to have fun and find myself, not to be full of responsibilities and stress.
But I agree with alot of commenters... the age gap was too much for age 17... you should be out having fun, not being dragged down with all these adult-issues.