There's a girl who posts videos on youtube that deal with such things. She has a very similar perspective and I strongly suggest you check her out. Here's one of her videos. It's short but very good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GN7yYWGViyI

Tell him that you think that what you have is definitely real, but you're still worried a little about being a rebound. Discuss what you two want for your future together, and why. Is it because that's what he wanted with her? Is it because that's what he wanted before her?

this is the type of situation im not sure about. really talking to him would probably be for the best, he might tell you something you dont want to hear but at least you'd know. also tell him you're uncomfortable with how he doesnt seem to be moving on- i get they were together for a long time, i just would feel the same way you're feeling. last year i dated this guy who was not over his ex. ending things with him was excellent, it took a while to remember how much certain parts sucked. it was love at first sight for me and i really saw a future with him. we got along so well, but i could see down the road how i was a rebound and he wasn't emotionally there even though our connection was real. he contacted me earlier this month, we lost touch in late novemember (woohoo!) and i always thought if he contacted me again things would be different. but really the experience of being his emotional afterthought wasnt good enough and once i saw it was him i didn't even respond. im dating a guy who is emotionally available and too classy to even put me through something like that.

he really did put in the effort though and tried (kind of). i guess what it amounts to is if you're willing to go through this transition period with him until it becomes all on you, if you guys get that far. maybe make a list of all the things you want to discuss and touch base during a comfortable, open time for both of you.

I think it depends.

I'm polyamorous, so I approach it a little differently. I'm capable of loving multiple people at once and wanting to be with multiple people at once without my feelings for one or more people getting in the way of my feelings for one or more other people.

In application to this situation... It makes perfect sense to me that he may not be over his ex and may even still be in love with her, but also is in love with you and would be regardless of whether he had a recent breakup.

That said... a lot of people don't do this, and I'm skeptical that you're not a rebound. That such a long relationship ended so recently and she's still such a big presence is a red flag. It just doesn't *necessarily* mean anything negative about your relationship.

@ashleynicole@lovelyish - wow.  that's good to know.  thanks for correcting me.

and, like i said recently...chalk up another reason why i never want to do a relationship.

@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - no problem. in my case though I didn't really consciously realize he was a rebound until quite far into the relationship. Had it not been long-distance I wonder if I would have kept it up even longer. 

@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I was thinking the same thing. I only date men who are single for long periods of time, because then I am sure they want me for me, and not just to outdo their ex, occupy themselves or replace their true love. But some people are just relationship people I guess... can you really stop them? If that's the case he's going to date SOMEONE and at least the OP really cares for him and is not using him to fill a void. Maybe she can help him conquer his heartbreak (9 years, I can't even fathom) more than being single could?

To really give useful adice on this you'd have to know this guy well. He sounds like he has a head on his shoulders despite creating a dating profile immediately after a 9 year relationship-turned-engagement.

TALK TO HIM!!! Stop being scared and tell him or your insecurities and fears will seriously undermine, then destroy whatever you have with him. 

What would worry me the most if I were in your situation would be that he said he wants to build the same thing with you that he had with this other woman. He should want to build something completely different and better, you know what I mean? Also, I don't understand why he can't refer to her by name. As small as it may seem, it makes it a very real situation when you have to refer to a person by their name instead of distancing yourself from the situation by avoiding it. I don't think keeping a picture or two of her is a problem. I keep pictures of my exgirlfriend because I appreciate the memories I have of her and what we had. I learned from my experiences with her and I'd like to remember her. It doesn't mean I'm hung up on her in any way, it means I want to remember that portion of my life and how it led me to where I am now. As far as you looking in his phone, that was already a no-no and you knew that going into it. Texts from her from 9 months ago is worrisome and I'm not even sure what to say about that. Unresolved issues for sure, even if he doesn't realize it yet. I can understand why you're worried about being his rebound and I would definitely keep talking to him about your concerns. A relationship should be built around communication and trust. If you want to be with him in the long term and it's serious, you'll have to work on these things and get past his relationship with her (the one that he's not completely over. you must agree, if you didn't, you wouldn't be coming to Datingish asking for our opinion, y'know?)

1. Referring to her as "the ex" is a way of emotionally distancing himself from her, and/or making a point to hold onto the anger (possibly to avoid the pain). It may be simply a habit at this point, but I'd be willing to bet that's what it started as. I don't think it's anything to worry about.
2. I don't see any reason to get rid of pictures of people. Like it or not, she was once a very important part of his life, and probably was a factor in shaping him to be the person he is today. You should neither expect nor want that to completely go away.
3. Reminders, maybe. Without knowing what they say, I can't analyze.
4. Traumatic dates have a tendency to stick with you.

You aren't her. You'll never be her. But that doesn't make him wrong for wanting to "have that back". Yes, in a way, you're a replacement. Something awesome to replace something awesome that went bad. But so is any second spouse or next boyfriend or anything like that. Old car lets you down, you buy a new one, but that doesn't mean you don't like the new car. Of course you'd like to have all of the same positive features that the old one had. The new car may or may not have all of those features, but it's still a good car I apologize for the bad analogy but I'm terrible at explaining what I'm trying to say sometimes.

My sister, just got married to someone who was previously engaged. They are madly in love, you can tell. I don't remember how soon after the his ex broke off the engagement, but it wasn't very long.

@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I had just gotten out of a serious relationship 2 months before I started dating my boyfriend, and that was less than a month after he broke off a semi-serious relationship too. We've been together for 3 years.

I would suggest that any person who was an influence in a person's life for Nine Years is probably a VERY significant part of that person's life.  I see no problem with a mature, reasonable adult embracing the memories of that person, and cherishing some of those times.  Nor would I consider it unreasonable that a well-adjusted person can have such memories, and fall in love again.  After all, wouldn't that person have a rather good idea what love actually is? I would be more worried about maladjustment if they were to just block out all references to that person, who was such a significant part of their life for so long.  As far as saying "the ex" instead of a name, that could be a consideration to you... he may think it is easier on you to say "the ex" instead of referring to her by a personal name... some might construe that as lingering attachment.

The "replacement for what he's lost" theory is uh... interesting.  Are you saying he wants you to be a replacement for a person whom he treasured for many years, was going to marry, and have and hold forevermore?  Uh... I can think of a few worse things that a man who wants that from you.