It's been close to four years. The back and forth, repetitive conversations. The "Give me another chance to prove to you I can change" pleads. These had been the cards I'd dealt myself with an ex who can't seem to get up from the table when I've already folded my hand. So, I found myself questioning,
is this the outcome of online dating? We met when Facebook first boomed into the websphere. When AIM was still of some significance to keep in contact.
He was sexy, polite, and held good conversation. Oh, did I mention...SEXY? He hadn't been the first guy I'd spoken with from the web, naturally. But the first whom I'd actually taken into account on whether or not we'd make personal introductions.
The instant messages went on daily, then made its way to my e-mail, which eventually turned into the exchange of numbers and contacting me via-text.
He was very persistent. I should've taken that as a red flag. But, when you're one who enjoys a challenge and someone who knows what they want, who will consider that a questioning trait?
The texts and phone calls went on for close to 8 months, longer than most would suspect. But, I'm cautious, what can I say. Then, we met and everything checked out. I wasn't being thrown for a loop. He was everything he'd physically hyped himself up to be. Chocolate, 6'2, Brooklyn boy, younger than myself and...a Leo. Red flag number two. But we won't get into how my Virgo rising usually clashes with the aggressive, attention-wanting lion. Bypassing that all, we moved forward. As friends.
From that instant, and if I'm honest with myself, from the first phone call, the chemistry wasn't there. There wasn't any
"gosh, I can't wait to hear from him," or
"I wonder what he's doing," thoughts going on in my head. And I found myself comparing him to the feelings I once possessed for an ex and wondered why it hadn't reappeared for him. No excitement for a new beginning.
So
what started off as friends and him trying HARD to make it more, turned into me giving into a "relationship." I know you're thinking, ummm...didn't you just say...YES, but he was such a nice guy I started to question my own judgment and wondered why not give him a chance? Maybe things with him would just develop slower than my past. But it turned out to be one of the lesser issues we would encounter.
I'm not going to paint the picture of him being the bad guy, because he's far from. But, his possessiveness, need to be the center of my world, being undependable, even arrogant at times, was something I could no longer put up with. The back and forth was no longer an option. No more chances to prove a change of self. I was/am done.
But,
now almost four years since our initial "meeting," I'm dealing with the same "I want to make things right." Wondering to myself if he will ever actually get a clue. This can't be normal. I've clearly moved on from him, but I find myself wondering if our friendship is even worth maintaining when he's constantly trying to prove a point and hoping for a THIRD chance.
Don't get me wrong, I know the part I've played in this back-and-forth situation. To say I led him on...would be incorrect though. We were always very open. Which at times, he couldn't handle; I can be TOO honest. But, throughout it all, not much got resolved. We still keep in contact.
He still expects the treatment of a boyfriend, as a friend. It's just an ongoing debacle.
I'm not convinced this is an online dating issue. Probably his personal fight that he doesn't want to throw the towel in on.
So tell me, have you ever dealt with an ex who just couldn't let go? Or is this simply the effects of online dating and decisions I KNOW I'm co-responsible for?
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Comments (11)
"So tell me, have you ever dealt with an ex who just couldn't let go?"
I've never dealt with an SO that would never let go.
duuuude this is like story of my love life.
"decisions I KNOW I'm co-responsible for?"
Stop entertaining him period. There is a such thing as caller ID and Ignoring texts, emails and Instant messages. You may not be intentionally leading him on but if you know that he wants more from the relationship than you do, by keeping him as a friend, you are giving him hope that he has a chance (so people are really that dumb?...naive?...). If he hasn't heard you saying that you are not interested, he isn't going to hear it. Believe me, if things were reversed, he'd have no problem ignoring you.
No, I've never had this problem. If some guy keeps trying to make something more out of a relationship when I've said we were only going to be friends, I kick him to the curb.
no, I've told guys that I don't want to talk to you anymore or I ignore them completely. maybe be more blunt and tell him to leave you alone and good riddance.
I was an ex who wouldn't let go a few months ago and I'm afraid it would have kept going on if I hadn't found out my ex had actually cheated on me and gotten into a relationship with someone while still being in one with me and that he was cheating on her with me. Anyways, this sounds a little excessive. You should just ignore him. Now that I know everything my ex is constantly trying to contact me. I've blocked him on Facebook (we haven't been friends on it since we broke up which is why I never knew he was in another relationship and he had two Facebooks which should have been a sign) and I changed my number. You have to do what you have to do to get rid of ex's.
Honestly, I stopped reading when you got into horoscopes. Just want to say that I'm a leo and my husband is a virgo, and horoscopes are bullshit.
I've never dealt with a persistent ex no. Try an extremely aggressive, persistent horny 60 year old man who hasn't been touched after his cheating wife divorced him over 10 years ago. I was probably the first woman who gave him any attention. I it wasn't more than friends attention either, just regular friend talk. It's a long story but I feel ya with the persistency.
I started talking to this guy sometime at the beginning of the year. He seemed nice then. We were gambling partners and nothing else but he proceeded to trick himself into thinking he had a relationship with me. On the third day of ever knowing him. I told him how I had just finally gotten a new job and didn't know how it was going to go yet, he had bought me a pair of "expensive" earrings congratulating me. In an e-mail after we had hung out that day, he said he didn't like that I didn't hug him or didn't even kiss him on the cheek for that. No shit, I didn't ask for that and he assumed we were in a relationship just because he handed me a pair of earrings. I tried to give it back to him but he didn't take it. Yeah I had a bad gambling habit that got me into a lot of trouble like getting myself into this situation. I didn't have a job for 9 months which is why I turned to gambling, but now that I have a decent job that can afford me a decent apartment with friends, I'm not going to be going there as much as I used to.
This guy would constantly ask me for a picture and I told him I don't like people taking my pictures. It wasn't really because of that, but deep down, it was because I knew he would frame my picture and hang it up on his wall somewhere around his house. After two weeks or so of staying at his place, I just noticed my picture. I was really creeped out. He's been in Vegas and I told him I'd watch his house for him while he's gone. I thought he was genuinely trying to help me being a stepping stone to get out of my parents' house because I wanted out so bad since things weren't going so well there. I told him about the situation with my parents and how I really can't live with them. No where else besides my parents' house would let me stay for free while I was trying to save up to get an apartment. Luckily I found an apartment with some friends and I'm moving out even before he comes back. Hopefully he'll finally take a hint then. I didn't know how to address him hanging up my picture in his bedroom but I e-mailed him letting him know I saw it and that it's creepy not flattering especially when I've constantly told him no.
He was at the house for a few days showing me how to take care of the house before he left. With him being so obsessed with me, I'm really shocked he didn't try to come up to my room in the middle of the night trying to rape me. I was relieved when he left. One time he saw me leave town with a gay guy friend of mine and the next day he told me he was jealous that I was leaving with some guy but didn't say anything then. I thought wow talk about an obsessed clinger. I've even called him a stage five clinger, now after finding my picture he's a stage ten thousand clinger. I think he's trying to get close to me as he possibly can without really physically touching me. he would force me into a hug and constantly try to give me forehead kisses. After he let go i shook myself off letting him know how grossed out i was from it but he still proceeded to continue to force himself into a hug. he knows a mutual friend through me and he always tells my friend things saying he snuck in a forehead kiss...oh wow so he basically is happy about the lowest form of molesting me.
I told my parents the whole situation with him and that I never wanted this dude, never wanted to do anything with him and I told them how he was trying to make his way into me by using my gambling debt i got from him to attempt to get me to do him sexual favors or to be in a relationship with him. i didn't move back into my parents but as parents i thought they should know my whereabouts after taking care of me for 26 years. i told them not to worry and that i could handle this person by myself. i've even tore the guy a new one saying if he puts my family in danger or me that he'd better watch his back. although he is an aggressive obsessed psycho freak, i don't think he will do anything to physically hurt anyone thank God. although at times i feel like he would that's how obsessed this dude is with me. anyway, i'm getting ready to move into my new apartment away from this really bad fuck up. i've fucked my life up a lot of times i get myself into these situations. but i think this one takes the cake on everything else i've done to myself.
It doesn't seem to have anything to do with online dating. He sounds exactly like my ex whom I did NOT meet online. I have exes from online dating, with very different issues.
cut him off.
I've been there recently. My first love and I are like this. Well were like this. I moved on and started dating someone new after HE broke up with me but when someone new came along all of a sudden he wanted me back, wanted to marry me...blah blah blah. I told him we had to be STRICTLY friends but every time we talked it ended up with being a lecture about how he can't move on and i am the love of his life and need to take him back. Recently I told him I cant do it anymore, he messed up our friendship and we can't talk because its exhausting dealing with how he still feels when I moved on. I know its hard to let go of someone you can see being friends with but if he is being annoying and giving you stress...let go. (P.s. I also met my ex online so i was in the almost same spot)
i was stalked by a persistent ex, it was horrible. I was so scared, eventually i had to get the police involved, no if he tries to contact me he'll get charged. It took the police being on his doorstep for him to even back off a little, but i feel safer now.