Tuesday, 17 July 2012
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In the Wake of a Tragic Death, Learning to Support My Partner
I've been a little MIA to the Datingish world lately. Unforunately, I've been fairly preoccupied: One of L's very best friends since childhood was mowed down and killed by an alleged drunk driver while out for a run.This is a tragedy for hundreds and hundreds of people and L is one of those most closely affected. As much as I would like to honor the deceased, this post is intended more for my partner (and for all of you who are, have been or will be in similar situations). Unfortunately, this is a fact of life. There is no way to make sense of such a tragedy when it happens so suddenly, but there is also no way to make sense of it when it happens expectedly. It is always profoundly sad and it is always profoundly painful.
Of course, I feel affected, too, but I need find my own inner strength so that I can support L. Over the last several days, I have made myself as open as available as possible. This is both my choice and a necessity.
What makes this so hard for me is that I can't find the right words to say. There are no right words. There is no answer. All I can do, all we can ever really do, is to be there for the ones we love in the best ways we know how. Make it known that we are here for them, remind them that we love them and tell them we won't go anywhere.
When we can't find the words to say, but find that music says it better, we must share it. When we are sad, we must say so. We must stay positive, but not so positive that we seem unaffected or unrealistic.
Someday soon, things will seemingly return to normalcy, but they will never be the way they once were. We must know that. In the wake of this tragedy (and any tragedy), we must also find ways to turn this into something positive. We don't know how yet and, right now, we don't want to. If nothing else, we must take this as a cliché reminder that in an instant a life can be cut short. Tell your friends you need them, tell your family you love them, tell your lovers you would be different people without them.
The girl who lost her life was just 20, but she lived every single day. Her friends and family say that she could have ruled the world, but for 20 years she did. Her spirit will not be forgotten and her life will be celebrated by everyone who knew her.
Have you ever experienced loss? Has your partner? How do you two cope?
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About the Author
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 21. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (11)
My boyfriend isn't huge on showing emotions. The only time I've ever actually seen him get teary eyed was at his grandpa's funeral. He has told me that he may cry when I walk down the aisle at our wedding, but only if I'm crying.
But anyway, he has told me, when he's upset, that the best thing I can do for him is just to be with him, hold his hand rub his back, and listen. Listening is the biggest thing for him. We both have never been through a big tragedy, but I don't think our relationship will be one that would suffer from it. We understand each other and our own needs and we know what we should do if the other needs comforting.
I lost my mom to cancer earlier this year and I was devastated because not only was she my mom, but she was my best friend. My boyfriend also knew what it was like to lose a parent. His mother had been killed in a car accident a few years back so he truly understood my pain and my grief. He was there for me and he gave me much needed advice and support. I honestly don't know what I would've done without him.
About a year ago, my ex boyfriend's best friend died in a car accident (he was drunk). On top of the pain of the loss, my ex felt a lot of guilt because the friend had been at his house earlier that night, and although it wasn't my ex's fault, I think he always wished that he had done more.
I agree that there really isn't much that can be said in such a situation. I kind of got off easy because my ex was really able to turn to his friends for support since they were suffering the same loss. When it happened, all I really said to my ex (boyfriend at the time) was, "I'm so sorry. I want you to know that I am always here if you need anything. Call me anytime and don't be afraid to ask for anything."
People always feel like they have to do something in situations like this, but sometimes there's nothing you can do other than let them know that you're there. Most of the time they'll come to you if they really need you.
it sounds like you've already got a good start on being supportive. there is nothing you can say to fix it, or make it right, or ease the pain. all you can do is be there. Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is better then talking. Often being there for them to lean on is better then trying to make them feel better...
and its never going to "go back to normal".. there will be a new normal..
I vividly remember when one of my closest friends passed away.. i was a mess. i didn't understand why he got sick and why his life had to end.. and i was angry. my best bud lost both his parents early in his teens so he was very familiar with grief, and im so thankful he was there.
Way to go, man. What you're doing is one of the things that keeps my faith in human kindness alive. Honestly, I think the sense of helplessness to help may be the best signal that you are trying seriously, and not just putting forth a token time a day.
As for me, my best friend died a little over nine months ago, and frankly... still don't think I look at the world the way I did before it happened.
@Endrath@xanga - Thanks so much. It's very comforting to hear something like that. I wish I could say it's gotten easier these last few days, but the sad thing is that it will take a long time. And you're right, it won't ever be the same.
i lost my good friend since middle school today . . . he was killed instantly after crashing his motorcycle . he left behind a fiance and a baby girl . he was also an honored marine . he was always so sweet , he was one of the good ones . one of the few . after already losing 2 of my brothers in the past , all too soon . i am once again , hurt and a bit angered , knowing that another wonderful person has left this world and he was too young , its not right . its not fair . im still obviously very hurt by this and the only positive thing i can think of at the moment is how amazingly supportive my boyfriend is . how he always manages to make sure i'll be okay . how he'll drop everything to let me cry on his shoulder and he wont stop holding me until i pull away myself . im so tired of losing my loved ones , one after the other . i live in constant fear that at any moment , i will lose my boyfriend or my dad , the 2 people i just cannot live without . im scared and i wish i wouldnt let fear control me but right now its too hard . maybe one day i'll be able to accept these things . but for now , i just cant .
small world, sitting here in Paramus reading this. Just be there and listen, and love.
L is very lucky to have someone who understands what being supportive means. It's enough to just be there. To just be around, to listen, to hold hands. You can't say anything to ease the pain, or make the person feel better. But being with someone who truly cares for them, even in silence, is much better than trying to tough it out alone.
Almost 2 years ago, 5 of my cats died within the span of 2 weeks, one of which was the closest to my heart for all 18 months she had to live. I know it isn't the same as losing a best friend, but it felt like I had been punched in the chest multiple times, and it felt that way for almost 6 months. My boyfriend was always there. He never tried to make sense of it, he never tried to make me feel better, he just held me, let me cry, rubbed my back, listened when I spoke, and understood my pain without attempting to make me happy. Because at that point, you feel like it's wrong to be happy. But as the pain fades, the good memories remain. And as your heart heals, you realize it's okay to laugh again. It's okay to move on. And you do. In your own time.
You are wonderful. Just keep doing what you're doing. L will heal, it will just take time. It can't be rushed. Everyone takes different amounts of time to move on from a tragic loss like this.
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
my cousin died unexpectedly due to anaphylaxis almost a year ago and it happened while my bf was out of town with his best friends on a boy's holiday. I didn't even tell him because I was so in shock and I also didn't even know how to say the words aloud. when I finally told him, he got on the first flight home refused to leave my side. I think that was the best thing for him to do because in situations like that there really is nothing you actually can do. he just held me while I cried, laughed with me as I reminisced, and listened to me vent (I have issues dealing with extreme sadness so I usually default to anger even if it makes absolutely no sense), and made sure I ate. the funeral was out of town and when I got back he had planned a simple beach getaway for us to a cottage in Rhode Island. I didn't even realize how exhausted I was until we got there. I just slept and cried and he let me do it. I don't know how I would have made it through that first month without him.
we talked about it recently and he told me he felt then that he wasn't helping at all because I was just so sad. but he didn't realize how much he did help. so I would say to just let her feel whatever it is she's feeling. don't try to talk her out of her emotions and depending on how she grieves be sure to monitor her and keep her safe. the fact that you've already put this much thought into it is a good indication that you're doing the right thing.Thoughts and prayers are with you and your friends Dane! I think it's wonderful you've made yourself so available to L, not only for her grieving process but for yours as well. Talking, laughing and just finding comfort in small things are so important at this time and no one should feel guilty about wanting normalcy and reminiscing about the good times.